Jasper Avenue - CaRter 

I knew his footsteps without having to look up to identify his face. I continued to stare out over the woods, watching the pine leaves blow lazily in the wind. The moon washed the ground below us into a river of silver, casting dancing shadows. It'd taken me a long time to realise the hidden beauty in the woods. I used to be fearful of the noises echoing amongst the trees, but now I grew to love them. I knew I would soon be weaving through the trees, my mind of a wolves and my humanity in fragments. I just wasn't sure when.

"It's late," Isaac said from behind me.

I didn't turn around to see him, I refused to. I couldn't let him see the tears in my eyes, the dirt on my cheek, the fingernail prints lining my hands.

"I am aware," I replied with an air of dismissiveness. There was a stretching silence, filled only with the night crickets.

I could imagine his tricoloured eyes fixate on the back of my neck, on the hunch of my shoulders. He would know I was upset. He wouldn't have to meet my eyes to understand I was in pain.

"The back door is open if that's what you came here to ask me." I was thankful my voice didn't crack. I wanted to be alone. I couldn't look at Isaac, not now, not ever. Staring into his blank face would remind me of the person who once loved me.

There was a grunt of some sort of thanks and I expected to hear his feet crunch on the undergrowth as he walked away, however, he moved to lean on a tree beside us. From the corner of my eye I saw him tilt his chin, surveying the moon with slitted eyes.

"I feel it," I said, tearing my eyes back to the moon. It was like a promise waiting to be broken. "It feels like I'm drawn to it, like a moth to a flame."

I didn't miss the sudden clench of his jaw. "I would know what that feels like."

Silence. I wasn't used to it. I never would be. It put me on edge, making me want to curl into a ball and scream only to break the ringing kiss of stillness.

Instead, I said the truth, something that I was afraid of. "I'm going to die this year." It was a broad statement, one that guaranteed a reaction, however Isaac's face was placid.

"Probably," he replied.

The back of my eyes heated, stinging like remorse. I didn't dare wipe the tears on my face, afraid Isaac would catch the movement. Why don't you feel anything, I wanted to say. I am in pain, but you're silent. Where is the old you?

"What does it feel like?" I whispered, my words carrying in the wind to where Isaac stood. His eyes slitted and he stuffed one of his hands in his jeans. I could see the scar on his cheek Aaron had given him with the ruler last year.

"Being a wolf?"

I nodded, hoping he could see the movement in the darkness.

I caught the moment his adam's apple rose and fell. However, there was no other emotion etched across his face. "It's like your caught in a dream," he answered surely. "You're never aware of the past or future, you're just stuck within the moment. Your thoughts don't control your movements, your instincts do. It's hard to identify human features, their voices, expressions and intentions. They are as much a wild animal to us as we are a wild animal to them."

His eyes flickered to me and I moved them back to staring at the woods.

"Being a wolf is not a gift, it's a curse. You have no control of your body. You're in a state of madness, madness that dictates the bloodlust you feel. When we revert back to human form, all those memories flood in. The longer you're a wolf, the harder it is to transition and the more memories you intake in a short period of time," his eyed flashed. "People go mad with guilt after witnessing what they did in their other form."

I met his eyes, nearly flinching from the intensity of them. If he noticed the tears in my eyes, he made no indication he did. "What did you feel?"

He studied me for a moment, his skin rinsed with silver. His curls tickled the nap of his neck and the strong urge to tangle my hands into them formed a lump in the back of my throat.

There was something hidden in his gaze, something frightening but thrilling. He swallowed. "At first, nothing. I was unaware of my mind and my new body. I would drift between unconsciousness and consciousness and soon I grew to fear the flicker of human emotion that would appear every few moons. Eventually, I lost what little humanity I had left," he paused. "It felt amazing."

I could picture him at that moment, pounding through the snow. I could imagine his breaths escaping his jaws, the cold air nothing but a distant chill. I could hear his howl of excitement, the look in his eyes as he galloped, carefree and oblivious and wild.

I stared ahead. "What does it feel like now?"
At this, Isaac stiffened. He attempted to loosen his spine as I narrowed my eyes at his reaction, however the look in his eyes remained there. Wistfulness. It was strong enough for me to clench my hands into fists.

His lips titled downwards, his eyebrows drawing together. "It feels like nothing. It feels like I'm a stranger in my own body," he turned to watch me, his eyes glinting in the moonlight. "It's like I've forgotten how to feel."

I didn't know what to say, so I just stared. His eyes were downcast now, to his feet. There was a troubled look across his face, like even he wasn't sure what he meant. The muscles in his face were tight, a feature that didn't suit him.

"Will it be like that for me?"

Isaac rose his head at this. I could tell he was biting the inside of his cheek. "I'm not sure."

Another pause. Another flicker of silence, and then I broke it to say, "I want to fight."

His eyes narrowed onto a blade of grass beside my foot. He wouldn't look me in the eyes. "How heroic of you."

I gnawed on my bottom lip. "I want you to train me."

Now he looked surprised. His pupils widened in disbelief and he lifted his head to level his gaze onto mine. "Why would I do that?"

I met the challenge in his eyes. "Because both of us want to survive."
A frog cried from a few metres away. Isaacs silence gave me the time to think. 'It's like I've forgotten how to feel.' Did that refer to his feelings towards me?

His voice was sheathed. "I don't know much about weapons."

I glanced in his direction. "You know how to use a knife." My statement was true; I had seen him wield one during the Battle. I saw him hit a target hundreds of metres away with a throwing knife. I knew he never missed.

He considered this for a moment. But then his eyes slitted back onto mine and his lips pulled into a fine line. "You're not a killer Renee."

"I think I proved I was when I killed Lola," I hissed.

Isaac blinked and glared back at the moon, as if wishing its presence gone. "That was under different circumstances."

My hands clenched harder at my side. "Does it matter? Either way my human days are limited. I'll kill people and then the Pack will take me and turn me and then it'll all be over," I swallowed. "And I won't remember a thing."

Isaacs eyes narrowed on a field mouse scurrying from under the open roots of a tree. His eyebrows drew in thought and then he tilted his head back to me. "Fine, I'll train you. But only on one circumstance."

I frowned.

He walked towards me, his strides confident but cautious. His beauty was like a lion. Dangerously gorgeous with eyes that could halt his prey from the intensity beneath them. He reached me, stopping as close as he dared. I could see every individual freckle on his face, every frown crease, every eyelash. It was like looking into a painting as the creator. I knew every detail.

"Whatever happens on your birthday, whether it be the Parade or the Pack get to you first, you have to promise me you won't sacrifice yourself over anyone."

I gave him a hard stare. "No," I answered simply.

His lips quirked. I wasn't sure if it was in amusement or irritation. "Renee—"

"I said no." I took a step away from him, my thoughts jumbling from the close proximity. "I'm not prioritising myself over anyone else."

His eyes hardened on mine. "You have no choice. Two enemies want you dead Renee, and if there is a slim chance I can stop you from turning into a wolf or dying before that, I will stop at nothing to take it."
My heart jolted and I sucked in a sharp breath. It was as close to affection I could achieve from Isaac, even if his irises were steeled over and his veins lined the underside of his wrist from clenching his fists.

"It's a no Isaac," I finally said. He let out a noise of anger, similar to a growl and then turned away.

"Have it your way," he said with his back to me. He began to trail away, his movements jerky in anger.

"So you're just going to leave me?" I spat.

"You only had one rule Renee and you can't even follow that," he replied. He paused at the edge of the tree line to study me, his eyes catlike. "I'm not going to waste my time on someone who will die within the next few months."

"That contradicts what you just said to me!" I yelled after him. He ignored me to slink back into the shadows.

Tears remerging, I rose from my spot and crossed the tree Isaac had leant on moments before. I stared at the thick bark, taking in the detail of its surface. I don't need him.

My fist slammed into the tree. Hot, searing pain jabbed at my knuckles, shooting up my arm. I inhaled sharply, the tears from my eyes rinsing down my cheek. I don't need him. Another jab, more scraped knuckle. Blood welled on my knuckle bone. Bark flew from my movement, raining down to the trees roots. I took this as an indicator to keep going.

By the time I stepped away, I was sobbing and the bark was sprayed with crimson. I looked down at my hands, watching them shake. My knuckles were scraped to the bone. I'd felt nothing after the first ten minutes.

I need him.

It was as simple as that. I couldn't function, I couldn't think. He was the fire to my match but the rain had quenched us. It would've been easier if I didn't know the side of him that was gone. It would've been easier if he didn't say those three words last year.

It would've been easier if I was the body in Fin's grave.

Although the Brookefield Murderer was discovered to be my father, deep down I knew the true murderer was me. Within a few months I would be a killer, if I wasn't one already.

I tried to picture it. Fins limp body in my jaws, his screams in my ears as I shredded his skin as easily as paper. Running with the pack, hunting, stalking, forgetting my humanity.

I could forget all this, the guilt that came with the invisible blood on my hands. I could forget my mother's drunken gaze, the feel of Isaacs lips on mine, Aarons lingering touch, Ethan's hateful words, Aleena's hospitalised form. It would just be me and the beast within. No more pain.

The Parade would be on my tracks. The Pack could be within the woods right now and I wouldn't know. All I knew was they were coming. The Wolves chasing my humanity, the Parade stalking my vivacity.

My eyes flickered back to the moon. I felt its power wash through me, prosperity shining through its beams. I could feel its pull, like it was gently tugging at my fingers with puppet string.

It stirred something within me, something deeply sinister. My stomach rolled in uneasiness and I clenched my teeth together. I wondered if I would go mad with pain, like Isaac had told me before. No Night Child was ever weak. If you were weak, you would've died within the first hour of the transition.

"Renee Argent?"

I spun to see a familiar pair of blue eyes occupied by thin, blonde hair.

I felt my eyes narrow. "Izzy Herondale. What are you doing here?"
She pursed her lips, glancing around with her eyelined gaze. She sniffed the air in disdain, most likely taking in the scent of rotting undergrowth. "I could ask you the same thing."
I studied her, slightly amused by how out of place she looked. Her stilettos sunk into the ground, the mud already caking her pink toe nails. She wore a miniskirt and a crop that showed off her pale stomach. Last year I would've wished to look like her, but now all I could comprehend was how ridiculous she was, standing with inwards pointing knees in the middle of the forest.

Her keen blue eyes shot to my bloodied knuckles. Her eyes narrowed into slits. "What happened to your hand?"

"I was hunting a bunny," I hissed back.

I didn't like Izzy and she didn't like me. It was as clear as anything. She was tense, posed at the ready but also uneasy. I could tell she wasn't used to this scenery, where for me, it felt like a second home.

"Still have your wits about you Renee," she commented briskly before unsteadily making her away towards me. A part of me wanted to cringe away from her presence but another was curious. It would take a lot for Izzy to push down her dignity this low to visit me.

I let out an impatient noise. "What do you want?"

She picked her away over a fallen log, pushing away at her straightened hair. "To talk."

I eyed her. "About?"
Things," she didn't meet my gaze.

I turned away from her to pick up a pointed stick, considering its end. "You're going to have to be more specific."

There was a pause then, "About what happened to Hannah."

I lowered the stick to revert my gaze back to hers. She was leaning against the tree Isaac had, her lips thinning. I noticed her mascara was slightly smeared.

I remembered Hannah. I witnessed her death. I remembered the sound of my father tearing her hamstrings then launching for her neck. I remembered her cries of mercy and I remembered the life drain out of her.

"What about her?" I asked as casually as I could.

Izzy hesitated for a moment before continuing, her voice slow. "I want to know what really happened."
I wiped my face clean of emotion. I was good at it now. It was a second nature to warp a lie by the blankness in my features. "I don't know what you're talking about."
Izzy's eyes glinted in the moonlight. "I was there when she Turned. Don't act as if you don't know what I'm talking about."

Now I fumbled, the stick slipping in my hands. I fetched it before it hit the ground. As I regained my thoughts, I turned to meet her blue irises. I titled my chin up. "Why are you asking me?"
She didn't pause before replying. "Because I know you're a part of this. Whatever it is, and I know Hannah was too. In a way I was a part of it, but she shut me out once her transition was completed," she said. "I saw her Renee. I saw her turn into that beastly thing and then she was gone."

My heart pounded in my chest but I was sure my face didn't show any of the shock that roared in my veins. "Why did you keep it a secret for so long?"

"Why wouldn't I?" she replied, rising to from the tree to walk towards me. "Who would I tell? Chelsea? Her dad already fucked her up in the head. Ethan and I weren't even seeing each other then. I wouldn't tell the Sheriff, he was too linked to the Mayor."
A hiss of anger surged through me. "So you came to me expecting to bond over the supernatural world? What even made you think I knew about the wolves?"

Her drawn on eyebrow arched. "The court case. It was obvious then, especially after hearing about that chemistry teacher and all your seizures."

I took in her tanned face, her pointed nose and large teeth. "You knew I was innocent and still voted I should be imprisoned?"
Her lips curled into a malicious trace of a smirk. "I don't like you Renee, I never have. I wasn't willing to sacrifice my secret for the sake of protecting you. You're worth nothing to me."
I snorted, a flash of heat touching my cheeks. "How touching."
"I didn't come here to tell you something you already knew," she said impatiently. She played with the large, golden hoop in one of her ears. "I just want an answer."

I gave her a look, feeling the sticks splinters dig into my fingers. "Why should I give it to you."
Her pupils narrowed into slits but her hands were clenched by her side with guilt. "Because I'm not going to tell anyone about the wolves."
"Why should I trust you?" I said suspiciously.

Izzy shrugged. "You shouldn't, I'm an asshole. But I never break my promises, and this one is something Hannah wanted me to keep. She said before her transition that I never could tell anyone about what she was and I plan to keep to that vow."

I considered her for a few seconds, searching her face. There was no look in her eyes, that look that clouds the iris when someone is lying. I gave her a swift frown. "Hannah was too human for the wolves. She saved my life and she was killed because of it."

The only change in Izzy's face was the flicker ofpain in her eyes. It was gone as quickly as it came, but it was enough for meto swallow audibly. "She's dead Izzy. She has been for the last two months."