I am lost at sea

There is only a numbness that suggests no one is looking for me 

....

My favourite English teacher in ninth grade once told me I wrote like someone double my age and saw the world through poet's eyes. I hadn't known what she meant and told my mother of her comment. I was taken from the class immediately.

Now, as I was led back to the regal room, I understood what the woman meant. A poet is studious, and tells the beauty of the world through words. Not words printed on paper, but words that inspire imagery. Poets saw the world through rose tinted glasses, always catching moments that the oblivious were too naïve to see.

In this world, I was ignorant. Beauty was robbed from me and I was left with a growing sense of disconnectedness. Erindale held beauty, I could see it in the velvet walls and bear hide rugs, but that beauty was rotten on the inside.

Gold plated columns meant nothing if they offered no support.

"Can you please explain to me what I have to do again?" I asked, my voice alarming quiet against the women's chatter.

Athena paused from her conversation about how lovely fox hide was with Esme to flash me a winning smile. "You stand in front of us, and we allow the Arrowhead of Truth to investigate you."

Rosella waved a gloved hand. "What Athena is trying to say is, we put an arrow through your heart and it gives us the details we need for another quarter of your aurora."

I glanced worriedly to Esme who shrugged. "That is another way to put it," she replied like getting myself impaled wasn't an anomaly.

They steered me back through to the pastel room, guiding me to the window that led out to a green paddock.

"And what does it do?" I knew I had asked this question three times already, but I was still trying to get my head around getting my heart torn into bits.

Rosella let out a snort. "How many times do we have to repeat ourselves child?"

A surge of irritation flooded me. "I am not a child. And forgive me for questioning the fact all three of you are letting an arrow fly into my heart that may or may not kill me."

Rosella stared at me, as if shocked I snapped at her. Then she turned to Athena. "She's a feisty one."

I stopped short, causing Athena to trip over me. She resembled herself to pat her hair as if ensuring it was still intact. I eyed the three women off. "I need answers. And I can guarantee the only people who would be willing to answer them is you three."

Athena rose a precious eyebrow. "Who said we would answer?"
Esme frowned at the blue dressed woman. "Athena, Rosella, have some manners. This young lady shared to us her entire life story and you pair now want to cause a scene?"

Rosella titled her nose up. "She said my tattoo was a lion. It clearly is a panther."

Like there is a difference. I stifled a groan. "I said I was sorry. My eyes were blurry from the tub water."

"And then, she asked me what lip liner was," Athena added, clearly disgusted. Esme, for a few split seconds, looked like she would wack both their heads together.

She sighed an impatient sigh. "Girls, Renee is new to our world, and apparently tattoos and make up as well," she shot me a look. "But both of you said you were disgraced about our people, now is your time to prove we are different from the rest."

"All of you already have," I piped in. They all turned to me as if they had forgotten I was there. "None of you have judged me for my heritage which is something I am unfortunate enough to encounter frequently."

They were all silent for a moment. Esme glanced at the window. I knew she wanted to get moving but I had to understand this world, before I would be alone in it.

"We were told a month ago the First Descendant would be among us," Athena spoke slowly. "There were mixed emotions. Most of the city knew a girl had a bounty over her head. You were described as a killer that murdered our people. We didn't think much of it, we assumed it was a myth.

But then The Huntress returned from your world exclaiming she had found you. The Calling commenced, and recruits were found—"

"The Calling?" I interrupted which caused a disproving look from Athena.

Esme answered. "It's in people's blood. They have no control over it. The Calling is a period of time no one can control, not even The Huntress herself. It's a psychological influence that targets young people, preferably aged eighteen or above. They are filled with nightmares, dreams and voices telling them to join us. Those influenced are filled with the need to kill wolves or something similar to that of."

"It's almost like a hypnotising method," Rosella put in. She idly fingered a petal in her hair. "Eventually, those who were Called always end up here. It's a terrible process for those effected, but it's the only way to become one of the Parade."

I took them in. Esme was looking slightly troubled, Athena distant and Rosella matter of fact. I couldn't picture them being tunids, nor living in my world. "So you were all Called?"

However, Athena and Rosella shook her head.

"People who are born here do not go through the Calling. Only those in your world do," Athena said.

"What about you?" I looked at Esme.

Her violet eyes were distant, and I noticed her hands were stiff against her dress. "I was once a tunid like you." She said it with no emotion, although I was close enough to notice the way her teeth gritted together. "I lived in your world, in London when the streets were filled with horse driven carts." She smiled at the thought, ignoring the girls who stared at her wide eyed. Apparently they hadn't heard known about her past. "I was nineteen years of age when the nightmares struck. It was the same dream every time. The wolves would kill my family and every time I would wake up with my brother's heart in my hand," she continued. "Eventually I grew so maddened from the dream I used a kitchen knife to kill each wolf in my dreams. I was crazed, enough so the blood didn't stop me or the cries of the wolves." Her face paled, her fingers trembling. "I woke up in Erindale. They took away most of my memories of your world, but they gradually came back to me over time. Some others were granted their memories once they proved their worth."

I didn't know what to say. I thought these women hadn't felt pain, when clearly, they had. Rosella reached over and squeezed Esme's shoulder. Her lips titled into a shy smile that indicated the reminiscing cost her a great amount of grief.

"Renee," Esme motioned to me and I nodded. "Do you mind holding off on the questions until we finish the task ahead of us?"

I didn't reply, but her face regained colour and she was leading us back to the window. Athena, Rosella and I glanced at each other uneasily but followed her. The window stretched and widened once we neared it, mimicking a door as we climbed through. The three women walked ahead, allowing me to trail behind. I glanced around at the sudden appearance of the rolling hills and distantly considered an escape.

Esme broke her stride from beside the women to match mine. Athena and Rosella gazed at her sceptically but continued to walk ahead, just out of ear shot.

"Melissa Argent is a very strong woman in our ranks," Esme said. Her violet eyes remained on the path ahead of us. Deer now loped around, oblivious. I noticed that all of them were different colours of the rainbow. "None of us knew she had a tunid daughter."

"She doesn't. I'm a Forsaken in the Parades eyes," I answered.

Esme frowned lightly. "You don't act like one. You're every bit as human as I once was."

I regarded her out of the corner of my eye. She had a stance like a regal woman. She didn't walk, she floated. It was hard to comprehend I was jealous of her stride.

"And you don't act like those Primaries even though you are one of them. A collective species doesn't determine us as an individual," I said.

Esme considered this for a moment. "Primaries, warriors and beacons have different morals Renee. I'm sure you've already come to understand this."

A red deer paused beside us, flicking its ears as we passed. Its eyes were a collective swirl of rainbow, nothing but a sphere of colour.

"Tell me about your world," I blurted suddenly.

Esme turned to study me as we walked. Her grey hair blew lightly in the pretend breeze. She looked like a princess, despite her age.

"What is there to know? Our ways are severely darker than yours," she replied briskly.

The red deer began to lope towards us, its legs like stilts. I ignored it to glance back to Esme. "I want to know what to fear, what to love and what to despise. If I'm going to die here, I at least want to know the place where my bones will fall." I swallowed. It was easy to think about death, but hard to say it a loud.

Esme titled her lips. "Erindale is at the very heart of the country. It is here where our ashes are spread and where the fortunate dwell. The city, as most tunids research, is built on gold. We pride ourselves in weaponry, destruction, dynasties and wealth. Without those things, we are nothing," she said solemnly. "The Parade is combined with several positions. You've seen the warriors; they are trained to slaughter the Forsaken. Primaries are those with enough intellect and little humanity to test science, and Beacons are people like me who work with beauty, appearance and image."

I felt a frown form. With a quick glance at the deer, I then spoke. "The Huntress said something about being liked by the people of Erindale. Does that include warriors, primaries and beacons?"

She paid little attention to the deer who followed in our footsteps. She only remarked it with a slight grimace. "The people that sponsor the games are usually beacons. The wealthy, rich, gamblers and those who prefer to waste time on killing sports usually participate in the watching of The Arcade. Warriors enter the games, Beacons spectate and Primaries control the levels."

I stopped, turning to watch the deer. It'd followed in our footsteps for a few metres now. With my hesitation, it also stopped. Stretching out its delicate neck, its nostrils twitched in my direction.

Esme made a noise of disgust behind me. "Stupid thing. I'll get one of the Primaries to chase it away."
"Don't, it's not doing any harm." I held out a hand, allowing the breeze to wash my scent towards the red doe. It blinked its long lashed eyes and cautiously stepped towards me. Esme stiffened at my side but said nothing.

The deer's wet nose touched my fingers and it recoiled slightly. I made a small, cooing noise, one that my father had taught me when coaxing shy animals. The deer leaned forwards and nudged my palm again. Her warm breath flowed over my fingertips.

"You and me are very much alike," I told the doe softly, ignoring Esme's silence. "Both of us are trapped in this world, waiting for slaughter. They treat us both like herd animal. Poked and prodded like cattle."
The doe blinked at me, sniffing the strap of my dress. A small smile fell on my face and I turned my head to see Esme study me. Her expression was hard to read, her violet eyes covering up her thoughts.

I let my hand fall away from the doe who continued to watch me curiously. Turning away, I walked back towards Esme who was staring at me like I was mad.

She followed after me, her usual chatter gone. After several seconds of this, she broke the silence. "In the arena, you will be lucky to be treated like deer."

"It can't be worse than the previous sections," I said.

Esme narrowed her pupils onto the grassy path ahead of us. "The Parade never plays fair Renee. Those sections are nothing in comparison to The Arcade. In the last Arcade, several thousand centuries ago, four hundred Forsaken died within the hour."

She didn't acknowledge the shocked look I gave her. "How?"

The red doe trotted off to a green fawn, bleating lightly.

"Through the Sections, the Primaries determine what defects to use in the games. Poison water, hallucinations, rabid birds, mirrors that turn people mad the moment they stare into them, hidden kelpies, traps lathed in silver, foxes that trick people into stabbing a knife through their heart so they themselves can eat their dead body," her lips thinned. "They never cease to surprise participants."

'A foxs' smile may never be trusted so long as their teeth shine with the promise of luxury.' Supressing a shiver, I picked my way through the lengthening grass.

"Why go through the trouble. What is the overall point in The Arcade? Why not kill us all quickly?" I asked.

Esme gave me a hard glare that wasn't aimed at me, but merely her people. "We will not, and cannot survive without the Forsaken. Without you, we are nothing. Every warrior, primary and beacon is trained in some way to target your species. Initially, our only purpose in the world is to wipe out your kind. We were created by Estrella The Huntress to kill the wolves. But this proved difficult when the disease travelled to your world."

She plucked a pale orange flower from a large bush that brushed her as she walked. She gingerly handed it to me with the ghost of a smile.

"Without the presence of the Forsaken, we live a life without reason. For centuries we've lived without the knowledge the disease had resurfaced in the tunid world. In that time, Primaries created devices made for the Forsaken, warriors trained to kill beasts who were thought to have gone extinct and beacons spilt riches on other things to fill in the time.

When The Huntress informed us years ago that the Forsaken disease tainted tunids, the city of Erindale lightened up with the prospect of entertainment. We were no longer a city of dullness, but excitement. The Huntress informed us The Arcade would commence. Why you ask? Because we are creatures of cruelty who feed off the fear of others." Esme gave me a small, sad smile. "Watching the suffering of others hides ours. We are designed to kill Forsaken and enjoy the kill. It is the only thing that keeps our city alive."
"And what of us? Warriors have collected all of us, and once we die in the games, you'll have nothing." My voice nearly came out as a hiss, but I lowered it for Esme's sake. It wasn't her fault she was led by a narcissistic, self-centred lunatic.

Esme didn't flinch. "Not all of you will die my dear Renee." Her eyes flashed. "You will not."

I blinked at her and tried to meet her eyes but she wouldn't look at me.

"You're the First Descendant. You will survive the games if you play the right cards," she continued.

I supressed another thin lipped frown. "I'm no different from the rest. In fact, I'm weak. I have no abilities, no super healing or hearing, no companionship or allies. I have no one."

We neared Rosella and Athena who had stopped at a large pond, circled with glass like rocks. They glowed a brisk blue.

Esme turned to me, stilling me with her finger tips. Her violet eyes searched mine. Intense and serious. "Which makes you the only one with an advantage. You don't have abilities, but you do have features no Forsaken has. Most of those wolves haven't shifted in decades. You'll find that barely any can remain human for long. Most of their minds are in fragments. Their clawed fingers won't allow them to hold weapons. They are the weapon Renee. You need to remain a player. No wolf can play with the mind of an animal."

'No wolf can play with the mind of an animal.' I allowed her words to swirl in my head, just as we reached the ridge where the pond lay. It was rounded in a perfect circle, complete with crystal clear water.

Rosella and Athena exchanged small smiles. I didn't give them one back.

"What's this?" I said tonelessly.

Esme detached from my side to near the pond, gazing at it with an air of disinterest. "Your next test," she replied back.

Rosella's gentle fingers guided me closer to the edge, allowing my bare feet to brush the glass rocks around the edge. Immediately the rock heated, and I flinched with a sharp breath. My toes began to burn.

Athena responded with a risen eyebrow but said nothing to this. Now aware of the danger from the rocks, I steered clear of them.

"Renee, come here," Rosella beckoned. I glanced sidelong at Esme who nodded at me. Frowning, I stepped closer to Rosella's side. I stared down at the pond, expecting to see my reflection, however all I was granted with clear water that stretched for eternity. I couldn't see a bottom.

"Fish will appear before you. You need to catch the first one that calls to you," Athena said from beside me. I hadn't even noticed she was next to me.

"Calls to me?" I echoed. It sounded silly, something that an elegant, fantasy built creature would say to a protagonist. They are fantasy creatures, I quickly reminded myself.

Rosella and Athena nodded to me with identical smiles.

"But do not step foot into the water," Athena warned. "Although beautiful, these fish have drowned people before. Only we can see the bones at the bottom of the pond."

I shivered but nodded in reassurance. Both for myself and the women. Taking this as a good sign, they floated back to Esme who watched from afar.

Now I was the only one around the pond. I stared into it, watching the clear water ripple as if occupying creatures, I couldn't see. Slowly, I bent down closer to the water, and briskly touched the rocks surrounding the pond. I expected them to burn my fingers again, however they only heated up to a dull warmness that brushed my fingers.

Instantly, fish coloured all the shades of the rainbow flickered just under the surface. There was hundreds of them, twisting and swirling around each other until all I saw was a collective mess of colour. It was hard to distinguish between any of them. They all surged around each other, their multicoloured fins breaking the surface. Each were the size of my forearm. I was no longer looking at a pond, but a sea of colour. I now knew how anyone would drown in this pond. These fish would not allow an occupant to resurface.

I leaned closer to the water, enough so when a fish bounced into the air, its movements sprayed me with water. I blinked but steadied myself on the rocks. I didn't dare look at the girls, I couldn't risk adverting my attention from the tsunami of fish.

Narrowing my eyes, I gazed into the pond. Occasionally I would see a glance of yellow or blue but then the fish would disappear beneath a mass of brown.

'Catch the first one that calls to you.' I felt myself frown. How would I determine that?

Just as the thought passed, a flash of white flickered through the brown cloud. Instinctively I reached into the pond, feeling scaled creatures slither across my skin. My fingers brushed soaked skin, ridged spines and sharp fins before my hand wrapped around a writhing body.

I yanked the fish upwards, digging my nails into its flesh to stop its failing. It stilled instantly.

I stared at it, its white scales glinting silver in the sunlight. Its white eyes gazed sightlessly at me.

"She caught it." I turned, fish in hand, to see Rosella stare at me with disbelief. Esme was watching me with a tiny, pleased smile and Athena was blinking rapidly. "She caught Raziel."

"I what?"

Esme stepped forwards. "Raziel, said to be the blind god of the sea," she answered. With a quick, meaningful glance at her partners, they all hurriedly reached me.

"I thought it was just a legend," Athena gushed.

I held the fish out in front of me, curious of its stillness. It blind eyes didn't waver from mine. I idly wondered if I was meant to drop it back into the pond.

Rosella reached over to brush her fingers on the fish's scales only for Athena to slap her hand away. "Rosella, you should know better."

She pouted and then scowled at Athena. "You'll bruise me," she hissed.

Athena curled her lips. "And you'll go blind if you touch it. Which would you prefer?"

"Girls, behave," Esme interrupted with a frown. "We have the arrows to prepare."

"What am I supposed to do with this?" I held up the limp fish like a trophy.

"Release it, we have all the information we need." Esme turned around to lightly push Athena and Rosella forward. Grumbling in protest, they followed after her. I didn't ask where they were going, I merely turned back to the pond.

Glancing at the fish, I let it flop back into the water. It twirled graciously in the air before breaking the surface of the pond.

I stared at the water, allowing its ripples to flood my vision. It was a stroke of luck to catch it, nothing more.

As I watched the water, cautious of the shortened distance between the surface and my skin, my thoughts drifted to Isaac. I hoped he wasn't in pain. I wished the whips that sliced open my skin never touched him. I prayed with my life that they would miraculously let him out. He was a human after all.

And humans didn't belong in The Arcade.

I knew I was stranded in this world. I would never feel Ethan's embrace again, never see Aleena's rare smile or taste Isaacs lips. They were artefacts of the past; death was my future. My only goal was to keep Isaac alive if he wasn't killed already. I couldn't be selfish and wish for my old life. It was gone, and soon my existence would follow.

The white fish whirled back to the surface, staring with its blind eyes up at me. It was beautiful with its silver scales and gleaming fins.

"I wish for Isaacs life to replace mine," I whispered to the fish, and it responded by disappearing back to the bottom, swimming between the bones of the drowned that were invisible to me.

Rising from my crouch, I turned just in time to acknowledge the scene in front of me. Rosella and Athena stood afar, their faces tense. Esme, several feet away, held a bow with an arrow strung to its length of string. A white arrow. The colour of the fish's scales.

Without a word, she let the arrow fly.

It struck my heart in silence. As swift as a wren, as true as a lie.