The truth only comes to you when you need it...

What does it mean to rise and walk?

One night, at eleven pm, I was in a room with some Christian girls. The room was dark. It was a remote fellowship and we were praying fervently in tongues that particular night. The holy ghost was present in the room, ready to change a life. I wasn't sure of what I was expecting from God but I just knew I needed peace because I had sinned against God earlier that day and was stricken by guilt so I prayed as whole-heartedly as I could.

Several minutes into the fellowship, one of the girls in the fellowship room tapped me gently as I was praying. She was my classmate and she was sitting next to me. When I felt her tap me, I faced her then she asked me very quietly. So quietly, that I even had trouble with trying to hear the question she was asking me.

"How high is your faith?" she asked me again and I was finally able to hear.

For a minute, I pondered before answering. Faith. I had faith. A lot of it when it came to certain aspects of my life. My writing talent is an area of my life that I believe dangerously in. I aspire to have my books become New York Times Bestsellers but asides from that aspect, did I really have faith generally?

"Umm...It's not really much b-but it depends, " I managed to answer. I didn't like that question particularly for the fact that my answer wasn't confidently positive.

The girl didn't utter a word for some minutes so I just stared, hopeful. I was always glad and expectant to hear a word from God concerning my life because whenever I heard it, they were always accurate and gave me a cause to be joyful about God's intentionality over my life but the truth was my faith and affirmations were as fickle as a feather. I was always back to doubting the next moment especially after posting or tweeting on social media about the good news I'd just gotten.

The word of God was as fickle as my emotions but one thing I failed to realize was that they weren't my emotions. I was supposed to hold on to them tightly. Emotions came and went but the word of God didn't. I didn't realize it.

"God is laying it in my heart to tell you that he has done it already. It's left to you to walk in the light of it or not, " she finally said after minutes of silence. The other Christian girls were still praying in tongues and falling under the influence of the holy spirit.

"Are you referring to my legs?" I asked.

She nodded affirmatively. "God has done it already. He's telling you to rise and walk."

It was a figurative expression because I wasn't crippled but I wanted to be able to walk like the average human being because I wasn't so I had to believe. I had to rise and walk well like God has ordained me to and this time around, I knew I had to hold on to God's word because, before that night, it had been prophesied to me three times by different people that God was going to straighten my legs.

I couldn't continue to play games with myself.

But in the quest to have faith in God concerning my legs, I desired to know how to exercise that faith. What did it mean for me to rise and walk? What did it mean to walk in the light of the fact that God has straightened my legs?

Did it mean that I had to start doing things that my legs wouldn't permit me to do medically with hopes that I wouldn't suffer the consequences? Did it mean that I could dare to stand or be on my feet for several minutes believing that my legs wouldn't burn hotter than Hades? Did it mean that I could walk around in high heels without thinking that I would fracture my ankle bones?

How was I supposed to make my faith a verb? Because I couldn't afford to keep thinking it in my mind that God has healed me knowing fully well how chaotic the mind can be as it is an open space for doubts to set in and intrusive negative thoughts that you often can't control.

At least if I had a strongly positive mindset, it would be easy for me to keep hope alive in my mind but being the over-thinker that I was,  I knew I had to act out the faith I was trying to build to an impressive extent.

So I sought the answer. What does it mean? What do these things mean?...

Two nights after, I decided to ask my close friend, Precious Akintunde. I told her about the prophecy and shared what I could with her before I proceeded to ask her the big question.

"What does it mean for me to walk in the light?"

Here was her answer:

"It just simply means that you should love yourself and act like nothing is wrong with you because nothing is. Live your best life and wear whatever you wish to wear because you're a hot girl with big booty."

My cheeks started to hurt from embarrassment especially after hearing those last lines and I burst into a fit of nervous laughter but that answer...I knew it was factual. It was like a hand that just took the blindfold off my eyes. A blindfold that had been in existence for years.

A day before I got that prophecy, I had a conversation with another friend of mine, Amarachi. It was a very casual one.

"I don't know but these days, my legs hurt like crazy whenever I'm walking back to my hostel and I don't stress my legs too much. I don't even walk long-distance meters but it always hurts so much when I'm heading back to my room."

"Maybe it's because you're walking too fast, " she answered with so much concern evidenced in her facial expressions.

I'm walking too fast? At first, I didn't want to think that was the answer but a few more minutes into pondering? I knew it was.

"Yes, I think I walk too fast. I always want to get to my classroom or my hostel in 0.05 seconds. In my mind, I'm always wanting to get to my destination in the next second so I make my footsteps correlate with my train of thoughts."

"Why?" she asked, confused and alarmed as to why I would want I walk that fast.

"I...I just don't want to see anyone on my way. I don't want to be seen by anyone either. Even by my causal friends. It makes me very anxious. The thought of it makes me anxious."

"Wow, " she tried to process my answer. "You don't need all of that. If you take your time to get to wherever you're headed on this campus, you would get there in three to five minutes because it's not far at all but if you continue to think it's far in your mind and you want to get there in the next second, you'd want to walk fast and you won't get there on time. You'd get very tired and your legs would hurt."

The Series of conversations I had before getting that prophecy night helped me to see the truth easily. It was easy for me to admit that I walked too fast because someone told me recently as well that she saw me in her classroom, trying to take three steps at once to get out of the classroom. I looked like I was in a haste and the truth is, I was.

My mum always said it very often on Sundays as well because I was always quick to leave the church before my siblings and my parents. I didn't want to be seen.

So I shared these feelings with Precious Akintunde and told her about my intense anxiety and then again, she gave another shocking reply. She read me like an open book.

Did I forget to tell you all that this particular friend of mine is a very observant person?

"You're anxious because you're thinking on behalf of everyone. What will they think about your legs? What would they think about the way you're walking? You bother if they will pity you as they watch you walk. It's all in your head as you're walking and the thing is...nobody has those thoughts about you. Even if some of them might actually have them, it shouldn't matter at all because you're beautiful and perfect the way you are."

"But I don't know how and why I became this anxious though. I was a lot better socially in secondary school. I've always thought I was confident, " I tried to counter her because I didn't like the fact that she was saying the pure truth. I was still trying to hold on to my beliefs.

"You made yourself believe that you were confident when you weren't which is why you tried to portray a certain image of yourself in your author's notes in The Captive. Those pictures you shared in the author's notes, especially the recent ones, you know deep down that's not how your legs look which is why you provided a back view photo so people can have a certain impression of you."

I kept mute. There was nothing I could say. Her truth had defeated the web of lies I'd tried to build for myself over the years. It was true. I wasn't happy with how my legs really looked in real life even after the surgery. Everything she said was a truth that I needed to hear. One that came at the time I needed it.

Because, why was I still always so anxious and hypersensitive at the mention of my legs if I claimed to be confident and happy about my life in my book and my social media handles? It was because I needed people to think I was confident so they would celebrate me. So I wouldn't be seen as weak, someone with an inferiority complex, or low self-esteem.

I fought back my tears that night as she kept sharing some things about God's purpose for my life. She avoided my eyes so she wouldn't cry.

"You had better not cry. I can see your veins showing on your eyelids, " she said.

"Are they?" I placed the tip of my thumb on my eye to wipe off anything that fell at all. She still looked away although her eyeballs were starting to turn a faint shade of red.

But that night was a life-changing one.

All my life, I'd been afraid to admit that I was insecure because it always looked like a disease to be ashamed of but at that moment, I knew I could no longer hide from the truth because the blindfold had been removed and my web of lies, destroyed.

I was insecure. I still am.