"You see, my mom got involved with some bad people and..." Jeffrey said, going on and on. I blocked him out as I continued on driving. Jeffrey seemed under the impression that I cared about knowing him better. All I wanted to do was get this job done, and drop this idiot back at my father's. We actually would have been on the road sooner if the guy didn't take his own sweet ass time getting his things together.

"That is how I was born." The 26 year old kept saying. I know Jeffrey meant well and was talking about his family to get his mind off of what we were about to do, but the guy never shuts up. I was not interested in getting to know him or know how his mother gave birth to him. That was something you kept to yourself; he didn't seem to get the memo.

Jeffrey Bloom was 26 and has been apart of my fathers 'group' for about three years now. As he said, his mother got involved with one of my father's friends back in the day. When she passed away my father took it upon himself to bring him in and let him learn the 'family' business in a way. Jeff was basically the guy you sent with a bunch of other guys to do a simple job. And he was the party/fun guy to have around. I've never witnessed it myself but have been told Jeff can throw a mean party.

With his light blonde hair and light green eyes he was pretty nice looking. He towered over me at 6'2 and was pretty bulky. He definitely worked out, probably more to get girls than anything. While his physical appearance didn't fit his name, his personality did.

"I've never killed anyone before. Is it hard?" He switched subjects, looking over at me waiting for my answer. "I mean for you it probably is no big deal, but for us regular people we don't go around shooting or torturing people." This guy really never did shut up.

I gripped the steering wheel tighter, my knuckles turning white from the tension. I just wanted to knock the guy out so he would be quiet for the rest of the ride, although that would do me no good considering we were about ten minutes away. I had no clue why my father made me bring Jeff along. He would only get in the way and if he did something-which is bound to happen-one of us is more likely to get hurt...meaning him. If he gets hurt then I am on the hook for it. I was more than tempted to make him stay in the car while I did what I needed to do.

"I have no idea what we are doing. Can you explain what we are doing?" He asked. I swear my father made me bring Jeffrey along as some sort of punishment, and it was working.

"We are going to check the perimeter to make sure no one is around to hear us. Once the coast is clear we will knock on his door and politely go inside. From then on you let me do the talking." I said.

"But I want some of the action." Jeffrey said in a whiney tone. And to think he is 26 years old instead of 5.

"Well you aren't going to." Thankfully we finally reached the address my father gave me. I parked a few houses down from 267 River Road. The house was surprisingly cute. The light blue two story house sat in the middle of two other houses that looked the same. You could almost see a small family living there with their dog.

I glanced around the neighborhood seeing how most of the houses were dark, the occupants probably still asleep or the few that worked on a Saturday were gone. It was almost nearing 8 o'clock am, which meant we had to hurry. People would be waking up soon and we could not have that.

"Okay, here is what we are going to do." I looked over at Jeffrey who was looking at me expectedly. "People are going to start waking up soon which means we need to be in and out. There is no room for mistakes here because one wrong move we will get caught. It doesn't look like anyone is around so we don't need to go around the block or anything." I reached into the backseat to grab my bag that had multiple weapons.

"You are going to go around back and enter that way incase he tries to escape out the back. If you can, pick the lock instead of breaking the door down, less noise the better. Make sure you have a gun or two on you." As I talked I took out another semi automatic handgun to put in my thigh holster. I also grabbed a few knifes to hide on me in case. I glanced over at Jeffrey to see him holding two handguns as well.

"Okay, lets hurry and get this done." With that I took the keys out of the ignition and opened the door. Once the door was shut I got to work putting my weapons on me.

My handy 9-millimeter, that now had a silencer on it, was tucked in the waistband of my jeans. I strapped on my thigh holster before sliding my second gun in it. Inside of my combat boots I put my knives in them. I rubbed my hands on the top of my black jeans. Wearing black was the only way to go. Blood is a bitch to clean up.

With Jeff by my side, we heading towards Howard Perry's house. I kept my eyes and ears open to make sure no one would pop up or come walking out of their house. It wouldn't go right if someone saw two people dressed all in black holding guns.

Armed and ready, I could feel myself sliding into that mood I have, almost like I was sliding into another persons body. I was becoming detached from the normal me, the girl who cared about others and wished she was doing something else with her life. Once that wall came down in her place was a cold, heartless killer that only did what was asked of her. That wall blocked out any common sense that I had. It has almost become comforting when the wall I have built comes down. It is like I block myself from the real world. It's a mask that reveals nothing.

I was taught to be heartless. To become cold. I was taught to fear no one and nothing. So in order to be able to do this, going into that mood is the best thing. If you let your emotions cloud your judgement or even be present, you won't kill the person you were suppose to kill. In the end of the day you will go crazy. It is a miracle I haven't yet.

Gesturing for Jeffrey to head out back, I waited until he he went around and out of sight. I counted to 10 in my head before making my way to the front door. Not wanting to break through the door and alert others I squatted down and took out two bobby pins I put in my hair. Easier to just pick the lock.

It took me less than a minute to pick the lock and swing the door open. Putting the booby pins back in my hair I stood up with my gun pointed and entered the house. Howard was probably still asleep but we had to be cautious. Just as I was entering the living room I saw Jeffrey entering from the kitchen. I hadn't heard him knock the door down so he must have picked the lock like I had. Raising an eyebrow at him I was impressed. With my fathers word echoing through my mind I headed up the stairs towards where I think the bedrooms were. I didn't bother being quiet. Play with him a little. If my father wanted us to scare him first than there was no use being quiet.

As we neared the top I heard movement and knew Howard was up and knew we were there. He probably thought we were some of my fathers men to scare him but he had another thing coming. With Jeffrey's heavy footsteps we weren't quiet at all. Even though I tried to be loud my footsteps were soft and precise; just like I was trained to be.

I heard a door shutting and made my way towards the sound. We came to a stop in front of the last bedroom door that was closed. He was definitely in this one. Realizing just now I didn't have anything to tie the guy up with, I looked over at Jeffrey. He would have to do.

"When enter you are to grab him and hold him still. If you find anything to tie him up with do it." I said. Giving me a nodded, I took a step back and lifted my leg. It was a no brainer that he locked the door. With a swift hard kick the door flew open and banged on the other wall. I entered first with my gun, followed by Jeffrey on my heels. I was surprised with how quiet, nothing to talk about now huh.

Just as expected Howard Perry was huddled against the far side of the wall, his whole body shaking and his eyes wide. He had his hands up in front of him like he was surrendering. An evil grin spread across my face as I stepped towards him. My second personality was up in full force. No more little nice girl. Everything my father made me to be came to the surface.

"Well what do we have here?" I asked, tilting my head and staring at him. "Mr. Perry right?" I watched as he gulped. Behind me I could hear Jeff's heavy breaths. I took a step towards him only to have him yell.

"Please don't hurt me! Take whatever you want!"

"Oh Howard honey. We aren't here to take your things....we are here for you."

"B-but I-I..."

"You see you have failed to make payments to Byron Wright for over a year. That is something he does not like."

"I'll pay it! I have the money." He pleaded his eyes tearing up.

"It's not about the money anymore. Bryon doesn't let things slide so easily, it is actually a miracle that you lasted this long."

Howard seemed to realize what path I was going on. His body shook even more and he started crying.

"No! No please!"

"It isn't up to me sadly. I mean I'd rather not kill you but you see, if I don't then I am dead too." In this world is kill or be killed. As much as I hated what I had to do, I had to or I'd be good as dead.

Everyone is selfish whether they admit or not. If a disaster happened everyone would fend for themselves not others. You may think if the time came you'd help the old lady in front of you or the other teenage girl but in reality you wouldn't. You'd shove them out of the way so you can live. This self preservation is installed in all of us, it may not come through now but if something happened it would take over. Just like with the Hunger Games, if it came down to you or the last boy in the district; you'd choose yourself.

That is what I have to choose every single day. I have to choose myself over someone else or I'd be just like them. In many ways it would be nice to just end it all but that feeling of wanting to live beats out the rest. 

"I was told to make you beg and to tease you but for your sake I will end this quickly. We don't want others to hear now do we." It all must have sank in. He didn't want to die. He shot up and lunged at me. Anticipating the move I dodged him so he went past me right into the arms of Jeffrey.

"Oh Howard, you aren't going to get away that easy." I ticked at him. "If only you would have made your payments. I know a few other men have been here to warn you but apparently that didn't work."

"I-I have the money!"

"And to also snitch around." I shook my head at him. Jeffrey had his arms wrapped around him, holding him firmly in place. "You do realize snitching will get you killed right?"

"I never snitched! I have always been loyal to Byron." Howard started to say.

"Well apparently he doesn't believe that. He had to send me here." I walked towards him until I was only a few feet away. "I hate doing this Howard, I really do. I hate killing poor men like you but you see I have no choice in the matter. If I return and you are not dead I will get in a lot of trouble." Raising my gun that I had lowered I pointed it straight at Howard.

Just as I was about to tell Jeffrey to move I heard a noise behind me. Surprised and somewhat worried that someone could see us I looked over my shoulder to see what it was. All I saw was the light breeze blowing through the open window making the blind hit it repeatedly. Big mistake. I heard Jeffrey's shout and before I could react a big hand was swinging towards my face. I didn't have time to move out of the way before the fist hit me hard on the cheek.

It took me by surprise that my head flew to the side. Man that was some hit. I could feel my cheek starting to throb with blood rushing to the surface. In a matter of seconds I felt the same hand trying to pry my gun from my hand. Snapping back into reality I looked at Howard trying to pull the gun from my grasp.

Anger filled me as I looked at him. Using my anger I yanked my hand back and freed my arm from his grasp. For an average looking fellow he was pretty strong. In a blink of an eye I held my gun right at Howard and pressed the trigger, the bullet flew from the chamber right into Howard Perry's chest.

I fired off another round quickly as his body fell backwards. It was like it was all in slow motion as he fell onto the ground, blood escaping the bullet wounds. The wall was slowly lifting as I watched him struggle to breath. The guilt of having shot another human being wanted to burst free. I quickly slammed the wall down and hardened my features.

It was only a few seconds later that Howard took his last breath. Jeffrey and I stood there staring at him for a minute. Beside me I could tell Jeffrey didn't know what to do. His breathing was uneven and I could see from the corner of my eye he was starting to tremble. It was clear he had never seen someone shot in front of him. I felt almost bad for him having to witness this. I should have just left him in the car.

While I did feel guilty I was also angry at him for letting the guy go. I earned a punch on the face because of that.

"I-I'm sorry. He elbowed me really good and I just let go without thinking." Jeff said a minute later. He had turned around so he wouldn't see the body anymore, almost looking like he wanted to throw up. Sighing, I took pity on him and didn't say anything about it.

"Lets get out of here." I mumbled leading the way out of the house. Along the way I texted the number two to our clean up crew. It was to notify them we were done here.

Both of us were quiet as we walked to the car. Both of us had nothing to say, having our own inner turmoil. I knew Jeffrey was trying to process seeing someone killed in front of him for the first time. I was the same way when it happened and I knew just to let him be alone with his thoughts.

While he was trying to sort through his own thoughts, I was trying to push my feelings away. The wall had crumbled and I was back to the real me. The one who felt indescribable pain about ending someones life. I always felt this way after doing one of these jobs for my father. It has become something I have had to live with for the last 8 years. I wish I could say it gets easier but how can killing in cold blood get easier?

Basically being a trained hit man I could never shut my thoughts or feelings down afterwards. During the job I could, I could shut down and not feel a thing but that night it would all come crashing down making me loathe myself.

Self loathing is always the worst. It never goes away or lessens. In fact it grows with each passing day. That loathing of who I have become and knowing that I could have stopped this. I could tell my father no and not do it anymore. I could easily take my own life or give myself over to other mafia leaders and have them get rid of me. But I never could find the strength to. It was almost like I felt that I owed it to my father. I owed being obedient and doing whatever he wants. I mean without him I'd be nothing but is that as bad as being who I am now?

With those thoughts in mind I started the car and drove off. The car was totally silent as we made our way back to my fathers mansion.

* * * * * * *

"What is the meaning of this?" My father seethed as Jeffrey and I stood in front of him in his office. He was staring at my cheek that was already bruising.

"We ran into some trouble." I said, keeping my gaze on the ground. Next to me Jeffrey was doing the same. He looked like he was going to shit himself any second.

"What do you mean trouble? It was a simple job."

"He was hard to contain sir."

"That is why I had you fucking bring Jeffrey. Did you not do your job?" My father went right up to Jeffrey and stared at him with a cold look. I watched him knowing that look well. "I gave you one thing to do you and you fucked it up." Byron growled. Jeffrey stood there silently shaking.

I knew my father was going to blame Jeffrey and punish him. I've seen him do it before, with me as well, and I knew how terrible it was. While it was semi Jeff's fault I couldn't let him take the blame. I didn't tell him what we were doing exactly and it wasn't his fault that Howard elbowed him unexpectedly. I shouldn't have gotten spooked by the wind.

From the corner of my eye I watched my father bring his fist up but I quickly opened my mouth to stop him.

"It was my fault, father!" My father paused mid motion looking over at me. I steeled my spine and tilted my gaze up off the floor to stare right at him. Beside me I could feel Jeffrey's questioning gaze.

"What was that?" Byron walked over to me.

"It was not Jeffrey's fault. I was angry that you sent him with me, so I left him in the car tied up so he couldn't get out." I lied through my teeth. At my lie Jeff's eyes widen but he didn't say anything. He better not either because I was taking the fall for him.

Even though Jeffrey was annoying I couldn't let him get hurt. All he wanted was to feel important and to do something to show his worth around here. It was his first time killing someone and it was my fault thinking he could just do it without instructions. If anyone was going to get hurt it was going to be me. I have taken it before, this time would be no different.

"You tied him up in the car?" Byron question staring at me hard waiting to see if I would break under his stare. He should know that it is useless, I was just as good of a lair as I was at killing. Something he should be proud of.

"Yes sir. I didn't want some stupid child to ruin it. Because I didn't let him help I couldn't get Mr. Perry contain which resulted in me getting hit. But the job is done." I spoke firmly even though inside I was feeling anything but. I noticed Jeffrey opening his mouth to contradict me but with a firm shake of my head and a sharp look at him he shut up.

"You plainly went against my order to take Jeffrey inside with you." I kept my eyes on him, forcing myself not to bring them to the ground. "Jeffrey you are dismissed, let in Santos and Rivera." My father said, waving him off although he never once looked away from me.

Jeffrey didn't need to be told twice for he quickly left the room. The door wasn't even shut before both of my father's right hand men were walking through. Both had equally hard expressions.

I knew what was coming and I tried to calm myself. Better me than Jeffrey. I thought silently. Someone like him would break too easily. As both men grabbed my arms to hold me still, I couldn't stop the betraying feeling running through my body.

Just to show that he was not one to be messed with my own father would beat me to a pulp. He couldn't let others know he was weak and if he didn't 'punish' me for my mistakes others would think less of him. None of that was true but that was what Byron thought and what they did in the world we live in. If you are soft you won't last a day.

With a nod at the men holding my arms my father got to work.

10 stomach hits later I was on the floor gasping for air. Every breath I took hurt worse than the one before. All three men left me on the ground, withering around as they exited the office. At least I had some time to myself for a few minutes. I knew it would take a minute or so to get my breath back and to slowly stand up.

The entire time my father hit me I tried to tell myself it had to be this way. That I had to be the one to get this but laying here rocking back and forth in pain, I wasn't so sure. Maybe I should have let Jeffrey take it since he is a guy and 'stronger' than me. But would I have been able to live with myself afterwards? Probably not. While I was cold hearted at times, I did care about others. If this didn't show it I don't know what would.

When ten minutes passed I was finally able to breath fairly normal, although every time I drew in a breath my stomach protested in pain. At least it was only my stomach, if it was anywhere else and visible I would have a hard time covering it up. My cheek was going to be that way but hopefully soon it would fade. Who knew a job so simple would lead to something this intense. Times like this the hatred I had for my so called father grew.

Having spent enough time on the ground I forced myself to stand on shaky feet. I had to leave this place with my head held high and make it seem like I wasn't hurt, although I was certain everyone probably knew what had just happened. In a place like this word travels fast.

As I stood, closing my eyes, I tried brush aside the paining radiating from my middle section. I briefly acknowledged that I somehow still had my gun rested in the back of my jeans. Once I was sure I could walk out of here without a problem, I headed for the door. While the pain was intense it wasn't the worst I have received and for that I was glad.

Taking as big as a breath as I could, I opened the door and headed out into the lions den. The moment I step out of this hallway eyes will be all on me. All I wanted to do was go home and wallow in pain in peace.

As predicted the moment my footsteps could be heard everyone stopped what they were doing and looked in my direction. Luckily though I had some of my composure back and titled my chin up. The day these men see me weak or cry will be the day I die.

Not paying any of them any attention or wondering where my father went, I headed straight for the front door. Silence was all I heard beside the click of my heels on the tile floor. My body was tense as I felt all eyes piercing through my clothes. Just as I opened the door and stepped out my name was called. I knew who it was and kept walking. Reaching the bottom of the stairs of the house a hand on my arm stopped me.

"Jessie, I'm sorry." Jeffrey said behind me. I just shrugged off his hand in response. "You should have let me take the fall because it was my fault." He continued. Hearing the guilt in his voice made me pause.

"I hope he wasn't too harsh." He whispered softly. He almost sounded in pain and I knew I did the right thing. Jeff would have broken if my father laid the punishment on him; he would have made it much worse than me. Jeffrey may seem like a big guy but inside he vulnerable and already half broken. He was made of glass that was already chipped and it would only take a little bit to shatter him.

"Jeffrey it's fine. I can handle my father." I looked at him over my shoulder. "None of this was your fault. I should have been more clear anyways."

"But-"

"No, stop. Don't pity me, I hate pity." I growled. "Stay out of trouble and keep your head down for a few days. My father will forget about this soon." I gave him a nod and continued on my way to my car.

"Thank you!" He yelled after me a small smile on his face. Even though I got hurt at the end of all this I at least saved someone, even though he didn't know he needed saving. Giving him a nod in return I opened my door and slide in. Not giving the house another glance I sped away.