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❝There's no relief, I see you in my sleep.❞

─ Lana Del Rey

https://youtu.be/hgYUwebc0XY

Have you ever lost the thing which meant the world to you? No, well I have. It is happening at this moment. The person who said they will never hurt me ─ did just that. Pain which stabs you in the heart, unexplained, unprovoked, and the most hurtful because it blind sides you and kills you bit by bit. This pain can bring anyone to their knees ─ pain I am enduring at the moment.

"Marcus, you can't do this!" The words come out as a loud sob. My wolf howls within me, her pain making me want to drop to the ground and curl up in the fetal position. He is my mate. He is meant for me and no one else. My lip quivers as I fight back the sob trying to escape me once again.

I stand there indecisive on my feet as I stare at him fighting back my tears but my emotions over power me and nothing stops them as they well up and drop from the captivity of my eyes. My body yearns for him his warmth, his strength, and his love. I want him to drop his defensive stance and come tell me he was joking or at the least explain why? Why is he leaving me here as if I meant nothing to him?

"Melany, I can't be with you! This is not for me," his grip tightens on the door handle making my heart tighten. I swallow as my hand clutches at my chest trying to hold the shattered pieces of my heart together.

"Why are you doing this?" I beg hoping if I can figure out why he wants to leave we can work it out. "Please," the lump in my throat makes it nearly inaudible.

As mates he knows he is hurting more than anyone else can. We are in sync he can perceive my pain as well but he radiates numbness. My body is wreaking havoc with my emotions and he is staring at me as if I were a stranger trying to talk to him. As if he never was my mate, never spend the nights curled up together, running through the forest, and never loved each other.

Sympathy is not a word that fits him well and not even now as his mate breaks before his eyes. My wolf releases another howl in my head as she realizes he wants nothing with me.

"Sorry, I'm leaving that way you can get over me," his chin brushing against his shoulder as he takes one last glance at the broken girl before him. The tears cascading over my cheeks do not faze him as he yanks the door open and steps into the dark night.

He opens the door and the lump in my throat grows. The frosty breeze seeps into my veins and body making me endure the worse loneliness in the world. Without glancing back he walks out the door his one last crack to my shattered heart. He slams the door resembling the pain of a slap in the face. The door clicks shut behind him.

He could not even say goodbye, no last kiss, not even a hug.

A shaky breath makes its way through my lips as my hands go to my chest holding onto my heart in place. He is gone much the same as the love he once experienced for me.

This cannot end this way. I can't let him go!

My feet pull me forward as I run to the door I pull it open nothing but darkness invades my vision, the darkness swallows me whole no trace of the man I love.

"No!" My eyelids flutter open as the blurry mess before me starts to focus as my lit room seeps into my irises. My heaving breath lifts me off my bed. My eyes widen as they take in the familiar white bare walls of my once colorful bedroom. My gaze falls on my floor lamp light, it is still on as annoyance seeps into me. I cannot even remember to turn off the light when I cry myself to sleep.

Since Marcus left my room has more resemblance to an insane asylum room rather than a twenty year old girl's bedroom. Where once there were photos on my walls now lay bare before me. When he left ripping off the pictures and light them up was somewhat therapeutic but now I wish I kept one with me.

There is nothing in the room other than my bed, dresser and a small drawer and this did not bother me. It makes it easier on me not having any possession to remind me of him.

Now if it were this easy to take my mind off of my mate and the memories we shared together.

It has been a week since he stepped out of my house and disappeared into the night. A week where my wolf searched for him sniffing the grounds for his musky woodsy aroma when we made our rounds to no avail. He used to take up most of my time now I do whatever I can to not have any free time so my mind does not think of him. My wolf is hurting as much as I am my wolf lost her mate when Marcus ran away.

My human eyes scan my surroundings for those hazel eyes which I am able distinguish no matter how many people are around me. The way his hair moves with the mountain wind and the way his voice can calm my wolf and I together. My mind knows he is gone forever but my heart holds on to him aching and bleeding for his return. I dig that blade deeper into me as I cling on to him while trying to let go.

A soft knock at my door pulls me out of my thoughts and I am thankful.

"Alpha Blake," a rough voice makes its way through the close door.

I know the voice anywhere as I pull the sheets off of my sweat soaked skin. The crisp air in my room makes me relax. I run my fingers though my wild hair and pull my camisole down as I get off the bed. "Are you decent?"

Decent! I scoff and roll my eyes. For the past couple of days I could not care less who sees me at my worse, who am I trying to impress?

I drag my feet to the door. Andrew has his back facing me as he peers towards the hallway. His dark brown bed hair indicates he woke up early in the morning and his white tee shirt and his light gray pajama bottoms are wrinkled from his night's rest. "What do you want?" I growl annoyed.

He turns on his heels and gives me a big smile showing me his pearly whites. "Well, good morning to you too," he smirks at me, "you have important visitors coming today," he beams at me and I roll my eyes.

"Tell them I am out. You can entertain them for me." He knows I am in no mood to be around people I want to be left alone. Is it asking for too much?

I am one of the youngest alphas known to our kind, new to this position, and the only woman to gain this status ─ ever. Women of power are the lunas of the alphas. Ever since I granted the alpha status I have kept to myself I have had no good experiences being the head of the pack.

Andrew is my beta, second in command, and he knows our pack well. Before I met my mate most of the pack members thought he was certainly my mate until he shifted for the first time and it did not happen. I am happy is not my mate since he is my brother not by blood but by loyalty.

"Come on, Red you need to get out of your cave and enjoy life. You're acting as an actual wolf," a growl rumbles deep in my chest.

He knows I hate hearing my father's nickname. My father used to call me this when I was younger and now he is gone. Andrew and I have been by each other's side since we were young. He must have caught my father calling me Red at least a thousand times so I understand why it grew on him.

"Don't call me Red!" I hiss and my grip on the doorframe tightens since I wanted to slam the door on his face. A wicked grin pulls on his boyish features and before I can move a muscle he pounces on top of me. Surprise by his attack I am not balanced enough to stay standing we both come crashing onto my bedroom floor.
His weight pinning me to the ground as I snarl at him as his chest rumbles against my ear. He tries to hold back a chuckle, "Get off of me you over grown man child!"

The words come out my tight lips as I try to glare at him but he brushes it off and rolls off of me laughing.

He is the best friend anyone can ask for but he knows how to push me over the edge.

"Come on, join us. They came to see you," I glare at him and his eyes widened, "as charming as you are at the moment," he adds and I am getting even more annoyed with every passing second. He smiles at me knowing what he is doing and I have this urge to punch the smile off but I hold back my annoyance.

"Oh bite my ass," I sit up and press my back against the side of my bed bringing my legs closer to my chest.

"Wouldn't you want that," he stares at me amused as I huff out a breath and slide further away from him. He takes it as an invitation to scoot closer. I let my reflexes take over, losing my cool, and my fist flies to his shoulder connecting with a solid thump.

"Ouch!" Andrew's eyes grow wide but he is quick to recover trying to hide any pain from showing. His hand is fighting the urge to rub his shoulder and sooth away the pain.

"That's what you get!" I smile at him but a dull pain rises in the pit of my stomach, "you're such a baby. Now leave, I have things to do," I stand up and walk at a turtle's pace to my restroom stopping right before the door, "take care of our guest," I take a deep breath, "alone."

This is the last I want to listen of this topic. I walk in and close the door as gentle as possible as I let the sorrow fill me the smirk, playfulness, and nicknames remind me of Marcus. Even though our relationship was private it still hurts when other people act the way he did. My eyes burned with the traitor liquid which lets the whole world know even an alpha can cry.

My wolf rips through me as she endures my pain and I feel hers. We both lost the love of our life and now we suffer together. Sorrow needs company as much as I love to be alone with my pain I am grateful to have her here.

I fall back and let my back press against the door my body weights a ton. My knees give out and my body caves as my back slides on the door as my chest rip open once again I have suffered every day for the past week. My mouth falls open as I gasp for air as my body slumps to the ground.

The inner wolf in me crawls away to the back of my mind she numbs her own pain. I try to numb the pain but I cannot and so I let the pain take its course. My body curls up in a defenses position and I prepare for my mental and emotional torture.

I was not good enough for my mate. My nails dig into the tile floor as I try to get a grip of myself.

Keep pushing the knife deeper and deeper into your heart.

****

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