[[When I'm fucked up, that's the real me when I'm fucked up, that's the real me, yeah.]]

The weekend at Taylor's was a much needed break, honestly. I can't forget about her though. That kiss, her lips, her eyes, pure magic. It was Monday morning now. I did my usual routine of grabbing clothes, showering, brushing, hair, and clothes on. Grab a pop-tart and kiss Grandma on the cheek with a "See ya, I love you." Normal. So, why did it feel out of ordinary?

I whipped out my phone and texted Deveyon to tell him to be ready like always. I didn't get a text message back. He must be sleeping in. I walked a step faster to his house, his Mom was gone. Work most likely. The door was unlocked, she had forgotten. I could hear the shower water running. "Dee?" I called as I made my way up the small staircase. No answer. "Best bae?" I called again stopping at the door. I was too scared of what I would find. I braced myself and raised a shaky hand, knocking ever so lightly.
I held my breath. "Hold on Shy here I come." I exhaled quickly feeling a lot better. "You had me scared! Hurry up before we're late." He laughed. "I'm coming." I walked back down the stairs and stood by the couch. After some shuffling Deveyon came happily bouncing down the stairs. "Okay, ready." He smiled. I walked outside first, letting him lock the door and we began our journey to the hell hole- I mean, uh, school.

When we made it to school the classes Dee and I took together seemed to fly by and yet I felt like I had no control over my emotions. I wanted to just cry for no reason. I wanted to- no, I couldn't. Never again. I promised. The depression was kicking my ass today and I didn't even know why. Soon enough, I was seated outside in our spot with my head down. I'm sure I looked like a sad sight. Then I felt a tap on my hand. I looked up slightly to see Taylor's curious eyes scanning over me as if trying to seek my emotions through bodily functioning. I didn't even care. I just put my head down again, still feeling her eyes on me. "Shy talk to me, please." I looked up again and smiled a very false one deed. "Talk about what, Tay? I'm fine." She frowned deeply and stared at me until I put my head down again. Oddly enough I started to cry without a noise and I didn't even realize it. Then, I was being tugged, rather yanked up. "Come on. I texted Deveyon, no more school. My house, now." I snatched away from Taylor harshly and I instantly regretted it. I saw hurt flash through her bright orbs that immediately shifted into anger. I took a step back, wiping my eyes and nose onto my jacket sleeve. I grabbed my backpack and started running. I knew my Grandma wouldn't be home so that's where I ran. I could hear Taylor chasing behind me screaming my name but that didn't stop me one bit. I couldn't stop. Corners, alleys, anything to get her off my track. She hung on though. I spotted my house and while running, reached for my key. Taylor was closer than before. I charged up the steps and fumbled with the lock, looking up to see Taylor about two yards away. The door finally unlocked and I ran in and closed the door. Right it Taylor's face. I was sobbing now. Covering my mouth and backing away from the girl outside the door, banging, pleading, screaming. "Shy! Listen to my voice, okay?" I could barely hear anything over my thoughts. I've never had a moment like this that was this bad before. Only last time I thought about it. I took my jacket off. I needed to. I had to. "Go home Taylor." I walked upstairs, ignoring her objections. I went straight into my room kicking off my shoes. I smiled sickly. I need help. I opened my drawer and squatted down and looked at the razor blade taped under it. I sighed with relief. I untaped it hastily and held my arm out. I slid the metal across my arm. One. I shivered. How could I have stopped for so long?! How could I care about anything else when I had nothing. Well I had things but my inside was nothing. A hollow shell. Worthless. Two. Ugly, stupid. Three. I heard cars pulling up. Probably just Grandma and a work lady. I stood up slowly, walked to the cabinet in the bathroom and grabbed my sleeping pills. I closed and locked the door as I looked in the mirror. Is this how it looked to be broken? Is this what it looked like when it really showed? I opened the bottle and poured some of the medicine into my hand. I pulled out my phone as I sat in the tub and turned on "The Weeknd - The Hills" also turning on the shower head. I slid my phone into the corner and began singing the lyrics softly. "I only love it when you touch me and not feel me when I'm fucked up that's the real me, yeah." I tossed the pills back and swallowed most of them. I could feel sleep over coming me. I prayed and apologized to everyone. Then, Taylor kicked in the door. As the song was going off the darkness was stronger, the music seemed much quieter, and my blood was oh so pretty. I whispered: "When I'm fucked up that's the real me." One more time before I was out like a light. I don't know where I went. Or what happened. All I know is that the cloud I was on was a very high one and I didn't want to come down. I hope I don't come down.

[[When I'm fucked up, that's the real me.]]
W/C:1014
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