“Melissa! Nelly Belly Mo-Melly. Any new messages for me?” Ken made his way out of his office and towards the front desk where an already slightly annoyed Melissa sat at the computer. She shook her head.

“Nothing new,” she stated plainly, returning to her game of Solitaire with the thought that their conversation was over. 

“That’s not what you said earlier.” Ken leaned against the counter of the desk, raising his eyebrows as if that would help her get the message. Surprisingly, it somewhat did.

“Oh- you want me to repeat your messages from earlier for the…” Melissa’s voice faded off as she made awkward “eye” contact with the camera. She slowly turned back to face Ken, hoping he’d get her message this time. 

“The best thing I do for my employees is care- and provide! I give them...uh,” Ken racked his brain for a suitable example. “I give them money, I give them food. Not directly, but you know...through the money. Yeah. Yeah, that’s right. I heal them.”

He set a cold donut down on his desk, freeing his hands so he could pick up a pile of books from their place on the floor. Dropping them in front of him, he grinned. “Today, I am in charge of picking a new health care plan. Does that make me their doctor?”

A beat passed. “Absolutely.”

Carole Monroe flipped through the pages of a file folder, sitting comfortably in a chair across the desk from Ken. “So, you’ve decided on a new health care plan, yes? She asked, eyes flickering up to meet his.

“Yep,” he confidently tapped his fingers on the edge of the desk, “I’ve decided to go with the best, Carole. We’re going to go with our good old friend, the Gold Plan. It’s got everything. Massages. Acupuncture...yeah.”

“The Gold Plan?” Carole raised an eyebrow at the man in front of her. “Ken, I’m not even on that plan.”

Ken shrugged. “Well, I recommend it. It’s quite good.” He slid the Gold Plan’s book her way. 

“The whole reason we’re doing this is to save money, ok?” Carole started picking up her items and prepared to leave. “Just pick a provider and then pick the cheapest plan. Can you do that?”

“Well, Carole, that’s a tough assignmen-“

“Great.” And just like that, Carole was out the door. 

Contemplating his life decisions, Ken lost himself in thought. "You...I think I know the man for the job."

Paul awkwardly shuffled into Ken's office. "You wanted to see me, Mr. Davidson?"

Ken grinned. "Yes! Paul Matthews, just the man I'm looking for. Listen, how good are you at decision making?" 

Paul shrugged, not exactly sure what the question had to do with anything relevant. "Oh, I don't know. I think maybe I'm good...or I'm not, maybe I am-"

"Ok, that's great." Ken cut him off with the click of a pen. "Listen, buddy, my schedule is just overflowing with stuff to do." He not-so-subtlety removed the empty mail bin from his desk. "I need you to pick a health care plan and then explain it to your coworkers."

A tense silence hung in the air. Between a desperate boss and a confused employee, neither really knew how to carry on the conversation. At long last, Paul clicked his tongue.

"You know who would be great for this job?"

"Whenever Mr. Davidson asks me to do something that I don't think I can do, I just tell him to give the job to Ted." Paul nodded to confirm the statement. "And ...then chaos ensues."

"I'd love to." Ted burst into the office without a moment's notice and picked up the pile of books. "I'm going to need a private office, an updated computer, and a raise."

Ken furrowed his eyebrows at the man.

"Isn't this a promotion?"

Sighing, the boss shook his head. "You can, uh ...have the meeting room. For the day only. This is not a promotion."

Ted held back an eye roll. "Ok, and uh, oh! One more question. How many people can I fire? Can I fire Paul?"

Ken slowly shook his head again. "Nope, you cannot fire anybody."

"What did I do? I saved this company money. Yes, that is what I did." The cameramen followed Ted around the office as he handed out a memo to each employee. "I picked the cheapest health plan out there.

"Because in the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, it's broken legs, bleeding out, getting eaten by lions." Satisfied with his work, Ted re-entered his 'office'.

Bill scanned over the document, Charlotte leaning over his shoulder to do the same herself. "There's no dental, no vision, and there's a twelve hundred dollar deductible? Has the world gone mad, Lottie?!"

Charlotte’s expression turned to one of concern. “Oh- Well, I don’t know!”

Paul brushed past them and into the conference room, where Ted had already made himself quite comfortable. He was about to speak up about the new memo when he was quickly cut off.

“Hey, don’t you knock, Matthews?” Ted looked up from his computer screen with annoyance practically scribbled on his forehead. “Knock before entering my office please.”

Paul glanced back over to the printed sign that was lazily taped onto the door. “The sign says this is a workspace?” He turned back around to look Ted in the eye.

“It’s the same thing!”

“Then why didn’t you just write ‘office’...?”

Ted stared Paul down for a few terrifying yet amusing moments. “Just knock, ok?”

“Ok, well, uh,” Paul awkwardly set the paper in his hands onto the tabletop. “Ted, this healthcare is terrible. It doesn’t even cover...whatever Melissa needs for her glasses, and the rest of the office is missing stuff, like uhm...yeah.” He fiddled with his fingers as he awaited Ted’s inevitable poor reaction.

Ted simply sighed. “What do you guys want covered? I’ll try to figure something out.”

“All I did was give Paul a couple of pieces of paper. Then, he just has to hand them out and have everyone write down what they want covered.” Ted held up a piece of blank printer paper. “And then I’ll just see if anything fits. It shouldn’t be that hard.”

Paul made his way around the office, handing everyone a piece of paper. He was already regretting the choice of giving Ted the job. This whole paper task wasn’t changing that one bit. 

“Paul?” Bill waved his paper in the air with clear confusion. “What’s this for? What am I supposed to do with it?” Charlotte and Melissa crossed the room to hear what the answer was for himself. All they received from Paul was a shrug.

“Ted just said to write down anything you need the health plan to cover. Like...diseases, disabilities, things like that.” He reclaimed the seat at his desk.

Bill handed out pens to his fellow coworkers. “Well, what’re you guys writing down?” He peered over to read Melissa’s paper. She tilted it to the side a bit so he could read the full thing. “Melissa...I don’t know what boanthropy is but are you alright? What’s that like?”

Melissa laughed. “Boanthropy, you know. When a person identifies as a cow!”

Bill stared at her with wide eyes. “Melissa, I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re not a cow!”

Charlotte spoke up from the desk she had been borrowing. “Is that even a real thing…?”

Finally connecting the dots, Paul gaped. “You’re putting down fake diseases? That’s...that’s genius.” He quickly set to work on writing even more on his paper. “How does kryonoma sound?”

Melissa breathed out a laugh. “First of all, boanthropy is a real thing. Second of all, what does kryonoma do…?”

Charlotte gasped, an idea coming to her head. “It could be when tears can’t stop spilling from your eyes!”

“This girl is a genius. Write that down, Paul.” Melissa grinned. 

“I didn’t want to hurt Ted’s feelings, but… It was a lot of fun making up the fake diseases,” Charlotte admitted, looking both ways to make sure Ted hadn’t heard her. She let out a sigh of relief.

Ted stormed out of the conference room with a pile of papers. “Ok, what the fuck is Cotard’s Delusion?” he fumed, raising a single sheet in the air for all to see.

Melissa spun around in her chair with a pen balancing between her two fingers. “Real thing,” she spoke coldly, “it’s a rare condition in which one may think they’re dead. It’s a serious matter and I want it covered.”

He rolled his eyes. “Ha, ha, very funny, Melissa.” Sarcasm practically dripped from his words. “Then how about...spontaneous dento-hydroplosion?”

Bill raised his hand, eager to join in on the joke. He wasn’t aware Ted was actually pissed off. “Me! I have that! It’s when your teeth turn to liquid and drip down the back of your throat!”

Ted gave Bill a look of defeat. “Really? You guys got him in on the joke?” He pinched the bridge of his nose before looking back to a random piece of paper. “How about this one, huh? Who in here has a government-created killer nano-robot infection?” 

Paul raised his hand. “If not treated, I could die, Ted. Do you want that on your conscience?”

Ted had to walk himself through breathing exercises just to hold back from blowing up. “Ok, I’m going to read through this list. If you really have it and want it covered, raise your hand.”

At that second, Ken burst through his office door. “I heard what’s going on and I want in.”

“If I have to read one more fake disease, I will scream,” Ted spoke in a tone only described as an overly-forced calm.

“Count Choculitis?” 

Charlotte slowly raised her hand. “Is...Is that a real thing? If so, I want it covered.”

“Yeah, no, today was a good day. We didn’t pick out a health plan or get that much work done… but still. Good day.” Paul nodded. Yeah. A good day it was.