June 17th, 2015

I've been happy all day today

idk why i am i got my period this morning :P

ANYWAY

ive been happy quite a lot over the past few weeks my sister's concerned theres something wrong with my brain

i havent been stressed, or nervous, or sad, and when i walk on the street i no longer think everyones staring at me (i had a very big thing about that)

i guess its because someone has to be the ray of light.

let me explain

case no. 1: theres a girl i follow on instagram, its an LOTR account and her name is Caitlin. she has depression and anxiety and an abusive family and body issues (like, REAL issues-respiratory problems etc)

i offer my support as does everyone but she chooses to ignore it.

As in, she'll go on about how awful her life is and yaddayaddayadda, everyones offering her advice in the comments, yet she never notices and never does anything about it. the only person who can help her is herself and she just keeps wallowing in sorrow and feeling sorry for herself.

i dont stand for that. yes, i get it, depression is an actual issue, BUT THE FRICKIN PEOPLE WHO HAVE IT CHOOSE DELIBERATELY NOT TO TAKE ACTION OR ACCEPT HELP. ITS THEIR FAULT IF ANYONES. (ok, reading that back that's pretty rough. Please don't take to heart; this was written a year ago.)

case no. 2: so around school and stuff its that age where everyone's concerned about their weight, boys, looking good, food, thigh gaps etc. i have a friend who is an AMAZING dancer and shes beautiful and has a perfectly normal body who is concerned about her weight and thinks shes fat.

i am clearly fatter than her because im a shut-in who watches Lost and Sherlock and LOTR and reads fanfiction but do i give a shit? not really.

i am not skinny. i am not pretty. i am not the kindest - i have flaws. i am no supermodel and theres always going to be someone who's better than me. I think the reason im so happy recently is because at some point ive come to terms with all of that and have left it at that. ive learned to control it, hold the reigns on my life and not let anyone else do it for me. i used to think that i had to be skinny, pretty, flawless and sporty, and even (not meaning to be racist) white, which i can obviously never be.

but i think ive accepted all those flaws. when i go out onto the street im no longer nervous. ive learnt not to care about others opinions about me (i used to say i didnt but inside it would nibble at me)

and with everyone panicking, stressing, basically being negative, there has to be someone who isnt doing any of that and who's smiling all the way through and who's carefree and basically can help anyone get through anything and is someone to look up to. i want to be that person.

now i wake up every morning excited for the day ahead, not focusing on whats going not so well in my life and instead focusing on what is going well. i dont panic over tests and grades and friends because i know thats just how life works and none of them are things worth stressing about because thats just stupid. people think its winning or losing but i think neither. there really is no battle. its just choosing whatever will make you or around you smile.

happiness is contagious. it is virtually impossible to share it without getting some onto yourself, or vice-versa. leave a smile or two wherever you go. be someone else's sunshine.

so dont worry about the future, about the past, about what you've done or haven't done. because none of that matters for now. people think im living in the clouds but im just living life my way.

the happy way.

residenthobbit49 :) <3