I jolted upright in bed, my heart careening into my throat.

For a split second, I wondered if I'd imagined the sound of the door closing, but then I registered the empty space next to me. I touched the fitted sheet, and found it warm.

But that didn't change the fact that Trip was gone.

Knowing I couldn't have been asleep for long, I lifted my phone off the nightstand and blinked a few times at the bright screen before reading the time. It was almost midnight. I had to assume Macallan and Kelsey were still celebrating downstairs as they'd never returned to the room, and I didn't have any messages from them.

As the stillness started to settle around me, I ran my hands down my bare arms to confirm I wasn't invisible or in a dreamlike state. To confirm that Trip leaving wasn't some glitch in the system.

Reality tore my mind right open.

I catapulted myself out of bed, nearly tripping over my discarded trainers on the floor. I didn't care if I was about to chase down answers I wasn't prepared to accept—I'd do anything to see this through.

I got dressed as quickly as I could manage, and fastened my brace over the fresh pair of leggings I'd slid into. The trek to the elevator felt longer and more strenuous than it had earlier, my heartbeat deafening in my ears.

Thankfully, the elevator doors slid open as soon as I used the FOB and hit the call button. Once inside, I stood with my fists clenched at my sides, and I could feel my pulse beating fiercely inside my palms.

Noise enveloped me the instant the doors slid open, a strong indicator that Macallan's celebration was still carrying on. There would most definitely be a noise complaint lodged as evening hours were very much underway, but tonight seemed to transcend the normal rules.

It was the end of the school year. Macallan Blake was victorious. Things were changing and unraveling before my very eyes.

Delaney and Shay stood chatting in the entrance to the common room, and I knew it would be impossible to blitz by unnoticed. Sure enough, my eyes met Delaney's almost instantaneously, and whatever emotion painted my features drew her brows inward.

"Hey, Chan," Delaney greeted, pushing herself off the wall to essentially block my path. "Is everything alright? I think Mac was just about to go look for you."

"I'm—it's just," I stammered as I stopped in front of my captain, embarrassingly out of breath. As I held her concerned gaze, I risked cutting to the chase. "Have you seen Trip? I need to talk to him."

Delaney nodded before tilting her head towards the front of the building. "I just talked to him–"

Shay interrupted, "And he literally just left."

Trip left.

My good knee nearly buckled as I abruptly sidestepped Delaney.  "Sorry, I need to go!"

I remembered that it'd been raining just as I shoved the front door open, and the cold misty air lodged itself in my lungs like a spear. While it was no longer a downpour, it certainly wasn't a simple spring drizzle.

I inadvertently stepped into a puddle at the base of the stone steps, the water soaking through my sneaker and into my sock, but I didn't stop for a second.

The streetlamps cast pockets of light on the slick brick walkways, illuminating the few students who still milled about. My eyes landed on Trip almost immediately. He hadn't bothered to pull up the hood of his rain jacket, and his curls made him easy to spot.

I called out to him, and he froze within a faded golden pool cast of light by the nearest street lamp. It illuminated the sheen of rain and Trip's features as he turned around to face me.To look at me like I was a demon sent to terrorize him in his sleep.

But that didn't stop me from joining him in the pool of light. It formed a halo around us, but the inky darkness was the only thing it kept at bay. Our hearts hung in the balance.

"I didn't realize you were on a tight schedule," I said, standing close enough to him that I could touch him, but I didn't.

Trip grimaced as he brushed a few raindrop-dusted curls off his forehead. "Chan, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have...done that."

I swallowed what felt like lead, and my words scraped against my throat as I forced them out, "You mean sleep with me then leave without saying anything? Or is there something I'm missing?"

It wasn't like we hadn't had sex before, but this last time was different. I felt like I'd surrendered something. Something like my resolve. Or maybe my dignity in knowing what to do when the end was in sight—when it was directly in front of me, accompanied by guilty brown eyes.

Trip seemed to shudder as he heaved out a breath. "We needed to talk, but that...that just happened instead."

"We can still talk," I proposed, granting him one last choice, even if it was on his terms.

"I can't," Trip's voice broke, and his gaze fell to the ground. I stood close enough to him to see the raindrops clinging to his eyelashes. "You tore your ACL, Macallan won the election, and I couldn't tell you that I can't do this. I can't do this, Chandler."

Trip wasn't looking at me, but I nodded all the same. I nodded because I knew that I didn't need to fight for us anymore. But if my pride was the only thing I had left, I would defend it until our dying breath.

"You're going to have to say it, Trip. If you're doing this, you don't get to be vague," I told him, tasting the rain on my lips as I spoke. "Have the integrity to say it to my face."

Trip lifted his gaze to meet mine, his eyes brimming with tears. I wondered how this rain-soaked moment looked through the eyes trained on me now, the eyes with brilliant flecks of gold that I adored even after they'd built me up just to tear me down.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"I know."

It ached to acknowledge, but I knew that much to be true, despite Trip choosing to save face rather than to save us.

"This isn't how I wanted to do this," Trip spoke in a defeated whisper. He wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his windbreaker.

"And yet here we are," I said, my voice strikingly hollow.

I still loved him, but he'd lost the halo he'd once wore with a humble smile that had won me over time and time again. All I ever did was root for him, for a version of us that we'd never lived up to.

Trip's hand suddenly brushed against one of mine, his ring cold against my skin. "Tomorrow, Chan," he pleaded. "Let's save this for tomorrow, and we can-"

"We can't save this," I cut in, shaking my head a fraction of an inch as I pulled my hand away. "This has to be it."

"Then can you tell me I've got it wrong?" Again, Trip's voice cracked, and it nearly broke me. His tears merged with the rain, streaming down his cheeks. "I love you, but I just...I don't think it's working. I thought after I wrote that list I'd know for sure..." Seemingly unable to continue, he hung his head and used his thumb and pointer finger to catch the unshed tears clinging to the inner corners of his eyes. "I'm sorry, Chandler."

I prayed that the soft roar of the rain would mask my silence as I attempted to make sense of Trip's words. And as they sunk in, it occurred to me that I'd gotten it wrong.

The list wasn't meant for me—the list was about me. Trip wrote it for himself as a way to make sense of our relationship. And then he chose to give it to me, like some kind of consolation prize.

So while I cherished the three words he'd penned at the very bottom of the page, they weren't enough to hold us together. I would've stood here all night trying to save us if they were.

We'd become a winless fight.

Unable to think about what I was losing, or if there was a definitive point when we'd entered a downward spiral. All I could think about was the answer that I knew to be true, and was finally able to admit.

It wasn't my job to figure out if Trip could afford to lose me.

He already had.

I went blurry-eyed as I looked at him, someone who I had to assume was only ever destined to be the love of my life when I was 16. "I can't tell you that, Trip."

All at once, I felt hyper-connected to everything around me. The cold sheen of rain that clung to my skin. The heaviness of my heart. The weight of this paper-thin moment—a moment that I wouldn't extend for the sake of knowing that at least right now, this boy still loved me.

So I turned my back on Trip and stepped out of the light. In the shadows, there were only tears and rain.

✘ ✘ ✘

I'M SORRY!!!

once again, this is one of those chapters in which letting me know your thoughts is very much appreciated (in words or emoijis).