Chapter 44

Leaning my head against the window I watched the rain droplets slid down the clear glass as we drove through the heavy down pour. The pitter patter of the heavy raindrops hitting the roof of the car filling the silence in the car but unfortunately not ridding the awkwardness that formed between Wes and I that has stretched on for hours. Biting my bottom lip I watched him from the corner of my eye; his knuckles were white from the death grip he had on the steering wheel, his narrowing on the road, expression unreadable. I wish I could have said I didn't know why he was upset when in fact I was the reason he has hardly spoken and it had everything to do with my inability to give him an answer to his question, yet again.

After my sobs ceased Wes pulled me into his lap, arms wounded tightly around my waist as I composed myself after an unexpected breakdown.

"How about we take this slow and figure things out together?" he said

Twisting in his arms I found myself nodding "Slow sounds good to me."

The corners of his mouth curved, he swiped his thumb across both my cheeks wiping away the moisture. I sucked in a shaky breath finding the moment too intimate but didn't dare pull away.

"That's good. What do you think about putting a label on this while we are at it?"

"You mean make it official?" I asked stupidly

He nodded, the smile dropping as he took in my reaction "You don't want to do that either."

"Wes-"

I paused there uncertain of how to explain how I felt about getting in a relationship with a man who I know now loves me. It wouldn't be fair to him if I entered the relationship unsure of my feels for him. I wanted to explain my reason behind my answer but as I turned to face him I found myself speechless, the disappointed look o his face leaving me a lost of words. Without a word he slid me on to the chair beside him and walked away, hands in his pockets. I'm not sure where he went after that but he was no where to be seen and even his sisters grew concerned when three hours passed and he didn't call. Sitting in the same seat he placed me in I cursed the day I met Tyler and lost my heart to him, if it weren't for him I would have given Wes and I a chance instead of constantly going over the pros and cons. I'm not sure how long I sat waiting for him to walk back in when I fell asleep, the sleepless night taking its toll as the caffeine I consumed all through the night wore off. I woke to the feel of a pair of arms lifting me out of my slumped position, without a word Wes carried me to my car and slipped into the drivers' seat and here we are now. In silence with Wes hating me for stringing him on with no idea if I'd be in for the long haul or not.

As he pulled into the parking garage of our apartment I sighed, knowing he's going to leave after getting me safely in my bed and I know I have no right to be upset or even complain by I didn't want him to leave. It was selfish of me to still want more of him when I can't give part of me to him but I couldn't help but feel that if he walked away in the mood he is now we both would suffer for it.

Swallowing my fear I turned to face him as switched the engine off "We need to talk."

"I think we've done enough talking for today." he replied in a harsh tone

"Wes, please let me explain why I didn't respond." I pleaded

He pulled the key out, still facing forward "It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out you don't want this."

"That's not true." I denied, unclipping my seatbelt I turned to face him "I need time to figure out what I want and the depth of my feelings for you and I can't do that if we we are already together." I explained

His head snapped in my direction, eyes blazing with anger"Figure out what you want?" he spat out the words then in a blink of an eye swung the car door open and walked out

Heart in my throat I jumped out and followed behind him as he entered the elevator, doors nearly closing on me as I slipped in. Breathing a sigh of relief I wasn't surprised when I craned my head up and saw Wes staring at the closed steel doors of the elevator.

"Are you coming up?" I asked in a soft voice

"I'm just going to grab a few things from my place and head back to the hospital."

"Let me take a quick shower and I'll come with-"

"No." he interrupted, gaze forward and expression the same blank mask since I woke up "You should go home and sleep, you've been up all night."

I wanted to argue and pout like a child about his statue like response but refrained from doing just that. Pressing my lips together I clasped my hands in front of me, as we descended to our floor in silence that was thick enough that it could be cut with a knife. The soft melody of the music coming from the elevators provided a small comfort but not enough as I snuck peeks from the corner of my eye at Wes with the intention of catching him doing the same but I was deeply disappointed. I would have loved to have said he was being a jerk but that role was mine to claim. He has every right to hate me right now and I have no right to complain or even hold a grudge against him.

With a ding the doors opened and I wasted no time in stomping out before Wes who didn't react to my dramatic exit not that I expected him to, okay maybe I was hoping he would say something. Fists balled at my sides I made my way through the burgundy hall with his faint footsteps close behind me, as I turned the corner towards our apartments with the thought of getting in bed but fate had other plans. I froze as I spotted an all too familiar blonde head knocking in my door, Wes bumped into me as he rounded the corner. Spinning on my heels I placed my palms flat against his chest and gave a hard push but I might as well have pushed the wall with the results I achieved.

"Why don't we go out for a bite and talk this over?" I whispered, careful in case Tyler heard me

Wes brushed my hands away "I told you I don't want to talk." he said in annoyance and stepped to the left intending to get around me

Stepping in his path I spared a glance over my shoulder where Tyler stood waiting for me to open my door. Luck was on my side, he hasn't seen me.

"I know you're upset but please let's step out for a moment."

His brows knitted together in confusion, although he didn't understand the reason I was trying to get him to step out of the building I am positive he knew something was amiss. Searching my expression for any clue he shook his head in what I presumed was him giving up. Grabbing my shoulders he effortlessly and gently pushed me aside "I don't have time for games Khloe." he said in a stern tone

As my name tumbled from his lips Tyler's head snapped in our direction, the corners of his mouth curved as his dark eyes narrowed on me. His stare wasn't one of a lover or even a friend, it was more carnivorous like a cat's when it traps the mouse. Every cell in my body screamed for me to tread carefully, Tyler wasn't just a pretty Hollywood face the man is an upper east side aristocrat who was use to receiving what ever he desired within moments of his request.

"Hello again Khloe." Tyler greeted as he started toward us

I steeled myself as Wes acknowledged his presence, uncertain of how to approach the situation. I never wanted to Wes to know about Tyler or how he broke me at such a young age, and certainly not now when we are going through a rather complicated bump in our relationship. I wouldn't say I was never planning on sharing my encounter with Tyler with Wes, maybe after a few more months or even a year. Still stunned by his sudden visit I had to wonder how he found out where I live?

"Leave." I said in a small voice all the while my eyes were trained on Wes who eyed

Tyler in both suspicion and curiosity

The amused smirk that spread along his mouth set my pulse sky rocketing and then plunging back down again as Tyler turned his attention to Wes who stood clueless to what was occurring before him. Tyler took a step towards Wes and extended his hand "You must be Wes." Tyler said

Wes didn't shake his hand, his brows furrowed as if he were trying to figure something out. His eyes darted down to me and then back to Tyler who chuckled and returned his hand back to his side.

"I'm not kidding, leave." I repeated

"Relax darling." Tyler smiled that sickening sweet smile that brought the growing urge to smash his surgically corrected nose "I only want to catch up before the wedding."

"Like I told you yesterday, no way in hell."

"Yes, I do recall your rather dramatic exit after that conversation." he replied with a tilt of his head "That's why I came to reproach you with the matter."

Balling my fists at my sides I felt a wave of panic when Wes tensed suddenly. He took a step forward so he and Tyler were almost chest to chest, of course Wes was taller so it was more like chin to chest. Staring between the two men I spotted an excited gleam in Tyler's eyes, a look I've seen before.

"And you are?"

Tyler's smile widened, his gaze darted in my direction as he answered Wes's question "Tyler Reynolds, an old friend." he empathized the word friend

Wes's brows shot up "Tyler." he repeated

"I presume you're the one I spoke to on the phone, the boyfriend." Tyler sneered as if it were unbelievable

Wes gave a curt nod, a small smile forming on his lips "Its nice to finally meet you face to face."

My jaw dropped in utter shock as I gawked at Wes, did I hear I what I think I did? Wes might not have not read about my past but I'm sure his sisters hinted at it and Tyler's name must have popped up once in while. Surely he can't be that blind to my very public past.

"So Khloe has spoke of me."

Wes's smile dropped and that grim expression from earlier took its place "No, so I can give you this in person."

Unexpectedly Wes reared his arm back and threw his large fist at Tyler who judging by the wide eye expression he wore seconds before the harsh impact didn't expect his snobby nose to get punched back into his face. The force behind the punch caused Tyler to stumble backwards and fall on his ass as he cupped the side of his face, Wes most have gotten part of his cheek because his cheek was a violent red. I stood speechless and stunned by the turn of events that I almost didn't notice Wes stomping towards Tyler, fists clenched and expression of a man on the verge of killing.

Clinging on to his left arm I mustered all my strength and tugged him back, the task was difficult since Wes fought off my attempt to pull him away.

"Do you know who I am?" Tyler barked as he stood on to his feet, infuriated that he was struck

"I don't give two fücks who you are you son of a bìtch, if you come around here again I'll shove my foot so far up your ass you'll have my toes as teeth." Wes growled menacingly

As he took a step forward to do just that I had place my body in front of his and push him towards my door "He's not worth it." I told Wes who's chest rose and fell with his heavy breathing

Tyler wiped the back of his hand across his nose, shooting daggers at Wes "Cheap shot by a cheap ass little boy."

Wes jerked in my arms as he tried making a run for Tyler, his stormy gaze burning with the inner fire burning inside him. Dropping my bag I circled my arms around Wes's wide chest, my fingers didn't meet but it allowed me to push Wes against the front of my door as I retrieved my keys from the side pocket of my pajamas.

"Get out of here." I hissed when I spotted Tyler following behind us

"Let the trash go so we can settle this." Tyler spat

Shoving my key into the lock I glanced over my shoulder for a brief second, unconsciously loosening my grip on Wes which I soon found out was all he needed. Maneuvering around my arms Wes managed to duck under my arms and swing again, this hit landed square on Tyler's jaw. The impact created a low crack that rung in the air like a single bell dinging in a silent room. Tyler pressed a hand to his jaw shocked by the second hit he has received in less than five minutes when Wes grabbed a fist full of the deep green polo he wore and pushed him against the wall.

"Wes stop!"

I ran forward and pulled on Wes's shoulders, in a poor attempt at trying to pull him off. Digging my fingers into his forearms I tried once more, the muscles beneath my touch flexed as he slammed Tyler against the wall.

"Get off of me." Tyler growled despite the growing fear in his eyes

"Wes." I pleaded desperately and pulled once more "Wes, please."

Releasing a low animal like growl he slammed Tyler once more against the wall and took a step back allowing me the opportunity to grab his wrist and lead him towards my apartment. Pushing the door open I swiped my bag off the floor when I spotted movement from the corner of my eye and quickly turned toward a pissed off Tyler. I shot him a dark glare, ready to punch the guy myself "I mean it Tyler, get out of here or I'm calling security to escort you out and that won't look good in the papers for you." I threatened

His eyes widened before narrowing to slits "We aren't done here Khloe." he sneered darkly and turned on his heels

Relieved that he was leaving I gave Wes a gentle push when he started to resist, slipping in to the apartment I shut the door and released a soft sigh. Turning the lock I watched Wes pace toward the dining table, body trembling with anger that came off of him in waves. Tossing both my bag and keys aside I sauntered further into the room, questions swerved in my head as I shortened the gap between us and brought us closer to having to face what just happened. The biggest of them all was why Wes hit Tyler? Did I enjoy the look of his face when Wes clocked him; yes and I could have watched Wes do it over and over again but I know Tyler wouldn't walk away with his tail between his legs. He would come after Wes and make him pay for embarrassing him, and I won't let that happen.

"Why was that fücker here?" Wes barked

My response was delayed as I took in his harsh tone, I wasn't sure who his anger was directed towards."I don't know."

"Has he come by before?" he asked as he turned to face me

"No." I replied without hesitation "I don't know how he found out where I live."

The lines marring his forehead smoothed out "But you've seen each other before today?"

"Yes." I answered, the change in Wes's features went from mildly pissed to murderous as the three letter word left my lips. It was then I recalled the conversation we had the morning Wes first asked me to be his girlfriend, his fear of me leaving him as he put it must have played a role in his behavior in the hall.

"I was leaving my parents' house when we bumped into each other outside." I clarified

He ran a hand through his dark hair, his anger fizzling away as he lowered himself onto one of the dinning chairs "He wants you back doesn't he?"

When I didn't respond he sighed and dropped his head into his hands. Making my way over to where he say I squatted down before him, ,ya hands resting on his knees as he lifted his head after a moment. The combined emotions of simmering anger and sadness filling his stormy gaze caused me to take his hands with my own. In that moment I realized that just like me Wes feared I would leave him for another person, although I knew my fear was based on my past entanglement with men I didn't know why Wes feared me leaving him when it was obvious that he was the great catch. Although I didn't understand why he was afraid of me leaving him I do understand why he was so angry at the hospital when I didn't give him an answer about being in a relationship with him, I had nothing keeping me from walking off at any time with anyone. I made no promise to be loyal to Wes although I can't even imagine doing anything physical or anything at all with another man.

"I don't want him." I said with a sad smile

Lifting one hand up to the side of his cheek I cupped his strong jaw sympathizing with Wes, all this time we've shared the same fear. Meeting his molten gaze I struggled to swallow the lump in my throat "The only man I want is you Wes."

"Then why won't you trust in us and take the final step?" he asked in a soft whisper that broke my heart in two

"You just punched one of the reasons." I muttered under my breath although I'm sire he heard me clearly

Dropping my hands to my sides I knew I couldn't keep my past heart break a secret anymore, it was destroying me and our fragile relationship. Mustering all the courage I could I clasped my hands together, still squatting between his muscular legs "In high school Tyler and I dated for nearly a year, I thought things were going great. He was sweet, treated me right and stood up for me when the other kids teased me and those small details clouded my judgement."

Pausing, I sucked in a lung full of air "Around the end of our senior year he began to change, the sweet boy I fell for turned into a monster. He pressured me to move on to the next level and make our relationship legit." I laughed under my breath as the bitter sting in my chest ached for the young, naïve girl who fell for his sugar coated words "I resisted as long as I could but when he threatened to walk away I panicked and agreed to have sex with him, because at that time I thought I loved him and he loved me. It turned out Tyler didn't care for me at all, he had a bet with the other team mates in the lacrosse team. Tyler was suppose to take my virginity by prom and have solid proof that it was me, so he recorded our first time and stole the bed sheets off my bed while I was in the shower."

The memories I've suppressed for years rushed forward like a tsunami; the dangerous rapids pulling me under the self loathing and misery I felt at the dark moment in my life. I had to squeeze my eyes tightly as the images of my peers mocking me as they watched that video flashed in my mind, the smirks of the boys who asked if they could get a turn and worse of all Tyler's self satisfied grin as he hung my bed sheet up for all to see.

"The next day he sent the video to all his friends and hung the sheet with my virginity in front of the locker room, he gloated to his teammates as one by one they saw his proof." A single tear truckled down my cheek as I felt the dull ache of that faithful day when my trust in men shattered, the day my icy shell first set in place and till Wes came around it remained up protecting me from feeling anything towards men.

"I trusted him and he went behind my back and humiliated me in front of the whole school and when that wasn't enough he went the the tabloids. Spilling secrets that I was as stiff as a board and as warm as ice. It wasn't enough for him that he broke my heart but he had to destroy me and my belief that any man would ever love me. He took away more than just my virginity that day, he took away my dreams of ever being loved." I cried, thick tears pouring freely down my face as the damn of emotions bursts for the first time in over ten years

Swiping the back of my hands across my cheeks I felt his strong fingers glide over my jaw in a soft caress that sent my heart racing as my eyes snapped open only to see a pair of soft grey eyes staring back at me. The depths of the stormy orbs was enough to cause my lungs to ache with lack of oxygen and the raw emotions filling them stilled my heart.

He grazed the tips of his fingers down on neck and tilted my chin upwards so I had no choice but to meet his intense stare. "He didn't take anything away." he whispered "I love you Khloe Sparks whether you believe it or not. I can't change the past for you or your fears but I can show you that I'm nothing like him, if you allow me the chance."

"I know you aren't, you're different." I sniffled. Knowing just how true those words were, Wes is twice the man Tyler is and he wouldn't purposely hurt me.

"I just need time to figure my feelings out Wes, I do like you and I know that my feelings for you are real but I'm not sure I'm ready for love again." I sighed knowing that wasn't quite the response he wanted to hear

Wes dropped his hand, a sad smile curving on his pink lips. He seemed like he wanted to say more but refrained, we've done this before and each time I've given him the same answer because it was true, I need more time. It wouldn't be fair to him or myself if I jump in with all this doubt and confusion. I wish I did have the answer he yearned to hear but I couldn't utter the lie when I'm uncertain of anything, I can't hurt him like that.

"All I'm asking for is time to understand how deep my feelings are." Grabbing his hand I brushed my lips across his knuckles and held it tightly in mine as I meet his soft stare once more "Please give me some time." I pleaded

He seemed torn between giving in and standing his ground as he stared past me, his expression unreadable only adding to the suspense that slowly eat at me. I don't want to lose Wes and I feel as if in some way I am right now, like he is thinking of declining my idea. I know how difficult it is for him to be in this position; trying to keep me happy and protecting his own heart, speaking from experience I know how difficult it is to juggle both.

"Okay." he finally said in a low whisper that was barely audible

"You mean it?" I asked excitedly

He nodded "If it makes you more comfortable then yes but don't think I'll forget and let this slide kitty kat, I want an answer and soon." he stated sternly

Nodding, I couldn't help but throw myself at him ignoring his oomph as I wrapped my arms around his neck and pecked his face starting with both cheeks "Is that your answer." he chuckled

Pulling my head back I couldn't help but grin at his playfulness, it was a relief since he ignored me earlier. "You're an amazing man, you know that?"

"Amazing but not loveable." he teased, gracing me with a knee buckling crooked smirk

Hitting his chest playfully I leaned forward and kissed his lips, hovering my mouth over his as I spoke "I think I'm ready for bed want to tuck me in?"

His chest shook with his laughter, the sound like a sympathy in my ears. "You know I do." he answered and nipped my lower lip

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"You have to be one of the dumbest women in the world!" Tess exclaimed and threw her arms up dramatically "The man tells you he loves you and wants something more and you say no!"

"I didn't say no, I said I need to think about it." I corrected

Sending me a dark glare she walked forward so she stood in front of me desk, hands on her hips outlining her bulging belly "That's still not a yes." she pointed out "Honestly I don't know why you can't take a leap of faith and trust him."

"I do trust him it's myself I don't trust." I muttered under my breath

Her baby blue eyes narrowed on me "And what don't you trust yourself about?"

I collected the scattered papers off my desk as an excuse to not elaborate on my confusing tangled web of feelings. Tess being the annoying best friend who knew me better then I know myself at times slapped her hand down on the papers in my hand, slamming them out of my hands.

Shrugging I averted my gaze from her knowing stare "I don't trust myself to fully give myself to Wes and this relationship."

"And why is that?" she questioned

Again I shrugged, placing the papers into the pale blue folder I regretted my decision to tell Tess about what happened between Wes and I. Tess's is a great friend and I know she only wants the best for me but sometimes she pushes me to areas I'm not comfortable in like the reason why I didn't agree to be in a relationship with Wes automatically. It involved too much soul searching and rummaging through my feelings that continued to pile on itself the longer I ignore it.

"Any women would die to be in your position, a guy who wants something more them sex is a lucky find and you're pushing him aside like he is a rotten piece of fruit."

Brushing a lock of my light blonde hair behind my ear I gave a small nod, understanding that any women would love to have a man who wanted a deeper relationship I'm holding him back with a two foot stick. I skimmed the tips of my fingers through my hair, the thick blonde locks spread out across my shoulder in soft waves.

"Don't you think I know all of this Tess?" I snapped, the hallow area by my temple ached with the first signs of a headache "Wes is a great guy who I am being unfair to, he won't last forever and will soon demand answers but I don't know if I will have any."

Mouth pinched, Tess gave a small nod. It's not as if I don't understand my situation and who many female would kill have a similar situation as mine. Tess just didn't understand that putting my fears aside wasn't as simple as it appeared, these are over ten years of worries being tossed away suddenly and then a long reflection at what's beneath my outer shell. I sucked in a deep breath from my nostrils and released it from my mouth.

"You're scared." Tess whispered suddenly

Craning my head towards her I opened my mouth to deny the accusation but one glimpse at the shiny warmth of her ocean blue eyes and I pressed my lips together and reluctantly nodded. Truth be told I was scared out of my mind, Wes and I have known each other for almost two months and he is claiming his love for me and confident in his feelings as well while I struggle to make sense of why I yearn for him to be near. To suck in a lung full of his scent, run my fingers down his back and feel every muscle flex beneath my touch. And at times I wish he was too busy with work to drop by so I don't have to see him. It was a roller coaster of emotions.

Leaning her butt against the corner of the desk Tess stretched her arm across the desk and placed her petite hand over mine "What do you want?"

Rolling my shoulders I felt tears clouding my vision "I want to move past the problems of my past." I croaked feeling the tightness in my chest made speaking a difficult task

"You are honey, you stood up to Tyler yesterday and the day before. It's progress and you will get there." she pointed out with a soft smile

"I just don't want to hurt Wes." I mumbled,and dabbed at the corners of my eyes

Tess folded her hands on her lap as her expression softened "Have you ever asked yourself why you don't want to hurt him?"

"Because he's a good guy and I hate knowing he's hurt especially if I'm the one who hurt him." I answered honestly

She chuckled softly "Did it ever occur to you what that meant?"

"Not really."

Shifting on the desk she turned so she was facing me, her eyes shimmering with mirth and something I obviously didn't know "I think I can help you with this problem Khloe and the solution is very simple."

My curiously perked, bolting out of my seat I felt a surge of excitement to hear she could help me "Tell me."

Her smile widened and the twinkle in her eyes brightened "Like I said its simple and I think you knew it too but were too afraid to ask yourself these questions about how you feel."

The excitement I felt left me like air from a ballon. Tess was right I did know the answer and I was too afraid of the answers and with good reason. I've spent all my adult life avoiding relationships and any serious emotions. I've gone to long lengths to keep clear of addressing my feelings; buried my past pain and stood clear of the present emotions that was until Wes came along. I was in charge of my emotions and schooled my reaction to men up until he strolled into my life and flipped it upside down. Now my emotions run rogue and control me and everything I've suppressed of the years has busted to the surface leaving me no choice but to deal with my past, all because of Wes.

Tess placed her small hand on top of mine "Forget the doubts in your mind Khloe, what does your heart say?"

I but my bottom lip and ignored the voice that warned me not to travel down this path, the same one that has lead me away from Wes from the start. Pushing the nagging voice aside I felt my heart skip!a beat as a small voice whispered a reply, although it was a whisper it felt like a banshee's screech bouncing in my head.

"What do you really want?" Tess asked

'Wes.' It whispered in response