I never had anyone to talk to. Kavita was there but she wasn't the one who could understand my problems. I couldn't approach Guruji either. I felt immense shame to tell him my problems, it made me feel pathetic.

Now, naturally, I don't like to talk. I don't want to. Being an audience is better than being the one on stage, I can only sit through conversations wondering when they would end. Kaavya and Anirudh do sometimes get lost in their deep conversations and they both rant me their problems. I'm a good listener.

But they also complain why I never open up. Why I never share my problems to them like all friends do. Only if I could be honest, I would tell them that I'm afraid. I fear that I and my silly problems will come off as pathetic. I fear getting ridiculed. I fear of not being understood...

The past three days, however, I'm on cloud nine. I feel on the top of the world. I'm starting to notice how everything is so beautiful around me, except humans. When I'm on Roth, I can take a break from worrying about father and humans and their thoughts and even my thoughts for that matter. My mind is light as a feather, so much so that I don't stop myself from saying what comes to my mind.

I cringe internally, thinking about all the things I had said to Onkar yesterday. He didn't need to know how I think about friendships and relationships. You never know when he will spread rumors about me and I have a ton of them already circulating around the school.

He's your academic rival. He comes second to you, everytime. What if he takes revenge on you? Parin says.

I groan, crossing my fingers.

You should be careful, my dear.

'Yeah, I would stop taking Roth. I'd lost control so...'

But then what about your restlessness? Your tapping foot is troubling others, you know.

"Can you stop that?" Anirudh sounds irritated as he points down at my foot.

Taking a deep breath, I press hand on my knee. "Sorry."

See?

'But I can't keep taking Roth. Last time I did so, I ended up in a hospital for days. Father was so disappointed.'

The bell rings making the students fly out of their classrooms. Dread settles at the pit of my stomach as I near the lunchroom to continue the project. Even when being in the same classrooms, we never went in that lunchroom together. I always made sure to reach first.

I spot Kartik entering the lunchroom first. His skin is dark like a mud brick and has a height that I always yearned for. When we make eye contact, he looks away with an obvious blushing face which in return make his cheekbones stand out. Even if I hadn't had even a word with him, I can figure out he is a shy guy.

He pulls in Onkar who is looking in his book and walking, rubbing his straight-edged nose. He's a total nerd from what I have heard about him. You can't say the same thing about me because I was forced to be a nerd. And I figured that if I'm having people complaining about how I'm late unlocking my second soul, I shouldn't give them more chances to talk me down.

When Onkar and Kartik take their seats too, they don't gaze at me with a different eye, or snicker behind my back. They take their seats in front of me, an awkward silence settles between us.

"I think we need to hurry and finish this. The deadline is next week." I say to break the ice. Onkar's brows go up, surprised, at maybe I'm finally contributing to this project.

"Yeah, right." He exchanges a glance with Kartik.

"But before we start, we have something to ask." Kartik tells. My brows knit together. Hope they are not going to ask why I was acting weird at first and now I'm trying to take charge of the situation?

"We need your help." Kartik completes.

This time, my brows squish together as I frown. Before I can ask, Onkar continues.

"You know– this may sound weird– but we're trying something. Because of the new rule of not going near to the rivers, we think it's causing a lot of distress among the people. So we decided to test all the rivers and check which are safe to use and which aren't..." Onkar explains, pouring in the realization.

"But we can't do this alone. We don't have the privilege to access the water as easily as you have. So we were thinking if you could help us?" Onkar uses his hands a lot, as if he's presenting something in front of a classroom and not just me. "And we know that you don't want to keep any relations with us after this project but–"

"I'll help." I interrupt his rant at my quick answer. I couldn't miss this opportunity. I've heard Onkar's father is a physician and he's a smart guy. The more the people, the faster I would get the results.

They seem a little taken back but their shoulders sag in relief after a minute. Kartik grins at Onkar and the latter smiles in triumph. "Then maybe if you could get the samples?"

"Oh, I've got them already." I speak before I think. I'd already collected them but had no idea what to do next. "I mean, I'll get them by tomorrow." I clear the air of skepticism.

"Ok then."

—

The circular wooden target is thirty meters away from me. I hold my recurve bow up, taking an arrow from my quiver and aim at the target. The arrowhead is long, narrow-pointed and when I release it, it hits straight at the center.

"Woah! That was awesome!" Divya claps and gives me a standing ovation. I try to not smile as I purse my lips. I don't know why Divya has so much free time to see me train. The last thing I want is to get distracted.

"Let's increase the distance this time." Guruji takes another board and places it a few paces away from the last one.

I keep the arrow on the string, drawing back the arrow. My body is steady and though the sun almost blinds my aim, luckily, I get the shot on point.

"Woohoo!" Divya cheers. "Wow, that's amazing!" She claps and hoots for me as if she is the one who did that.

"C'mon, it was easy." I shake my head, my cheeks are getting so red that I try to hide them by looking down and fiddling with my arrows.

"No, this was great, Arasi. You've never done such perfect shots in a row." Guruji grins, his hands behind him as he approaches. The warm summer breeze brushes my cheeks and pushes back the loose curls from my face.

Archery was never made for me. Even when I started training this when I was eight, I still couldn't shoot my target so accurately. Guruji put some more markers, gradually increasing the distances. I'd made up my mind to get those arrows right at the center of all the targets. And when I did get them perfectly, Divya's cheers pumped me up and also painted my face red. I never got so much compliments from anyone other than my teachers which I was never satisfied with. Divya... she is almost fascinated to see me getting all my markers down with ease.

So basically, you want to impress Divya? Parin asks and makes me freeze with her straightforwardness.

'Wait, am I doing that? I don't think so..." I awkwardly chuckle in my mind.

"You're great, Arasi! I never knew you're so skilled." Divya runs towards me in her saree without slipping or falling down. I sometimes can't believe she is nineteen and not a child.

"Slowly now..." I blow a chuckle out, my heart thumping even when I wasn't running. "This is nothing. I'm better with swords."

Before Divya could get her excitement out, Guruji reached us. He pats me on the back and says, "well done for today. You're indeed improving, my child." I grin so wide that all my teeth are on display. "Tomorrow, we'll take sparring."

"And I'll be the audience." Divya chipped in.

"No way, you distract me." I state.

Guruji chuckles as he eyes me and Divya back and forth. "You're such a bad liar Arasi." His words make me fear the possibility of having Divya realize I like her presence and if she knows that, she will start liking me. And making attachments is the last thing I want. A servant approaches us from the wide plains of the open training ground, which helps me to change the subject. Squinting my eyes in the glaring sun, I spot two boys behind him.

"Well, Guruji, I would like to take my leave for today as I have my friends over." I say.

"You've friends?" Both Guruji and Divya voice in unison.

I groan. "Seriously?"

Divya breaks into a laughter while Guruji just suppresses it. "You mean Kaavya and Anirudh?"

"No, I mean they are not my friends. Just my classmates who I have to complete a school project with."

"Fine, you go ahead."

My hands start sweating again and my insides churn at... I don't know what this feeling is. But every time I get this, I have this prenominition that something bad is going to happen. Especially to me. Walking out the ground, I start biting my nails, to keep myself preoccupied.

"You both are early." I say when I meet Onkar and Kartik.

"Aren't you going to introduce your friends to me?" Divya asks from behind my back.

"They're not my friends. And no, you're not going to get involved in this." I tell with no room for any other negotiations.

"Let's get this done." I walk them to my room, my legs taking big leaps that the two boys behind had to run to catch up with me.

"You could say we're friends for only this thing you know? It wouldn't have hurt anyone." Onkar suggests.

I hand my quiver and bow to a servant and discreetly wipe my clammy hands on my pants. Ignoring Onkar's words, we reach my chamber. I pull out a heavily carved wooden chest and open it to get river samples, stored in small labeled vials.

"So we know the Palin river is infected because there has been more than one case related to it." I start. "This disease started almost four weeks ago–"

"Five." Onkar corrects me.

I stop the urge to groan. I can't stop tapping my finger against the table and this guy– "Anyways, this means that the Palin river system is almost fully infected. What we are left with is the Sanyal river system."

"And the other sixteen minor rivers." Onkar says.

"It's fifteen." I correct him, a smug look conquers my face even when my body is battling with invisible anxiety inside.

"How'd you know so much about this? Were you trying to test the rivers even before we asked for help?" Onkar's skeptical gaze scans me.

"You shouldn't be worried about other people's business, yeah?"

He rolls his eyes and huffs while I fold my arms against my chest.

"Okay guys, calm down." Kartik speaks up and breaks the tension between us.

"You talk?" I ask, yes, with very much bluntness.

"Now you're just being rude, Arasi." Divya's voice turns heads towards the entrance where she rests her side against the door frame. I sigh.

For the first time, I agree with her. Parin says.

"Um... sorry." I say to them, particularly Kartik. "My head is just heavy and messed up." I turn to Divya. "And what're you doing here?"

She raises her hands in defense, as if caught in the act. "I'm just an audience. Y'all carry on."

I would have talked her out to give us some privacy but Onkar speaks up. "See, if we need to test these samples, we need something to test it on. So I decided that we should go with rats." He brings forth his cloth bag and brings out a shut box from which squeaks and scribbles speak for the trapped rats. "My sister found a few."

"But considering the number of samples, we would be needing more." I say.

"Yep. And I was thinking maybe we could find more in the palace?"

"I can take that as a job!" Divya chirps in. "I'd used to catch a lot when I was child."

You are still a child— I wanted to say but I suppress the urge and nod at her. Even before the winds hit the curtains hanging around the window, she disappears. Seeing that, my frown disappears too as a smile replaces it.

"Should I start with the ones we have?" Onkar asks and I nod, giving him the permission to start.

They take a corner of the room and feed the rats one by one before I go to change out from my sweaty trainers and also trying to stop myself thinking about Roth. Those three days of euphoria has taken over my brain. Though I don't have it now, I know it will be in the royal physician's room. And that is making it really hard for me to keep my foot grounded instead of just going for it.

"You won't, Arasi. You can't. You can't." I chant to myself, walking inside the bath chambers for what felt like half hour but was ten minutes. Collecting all strength back, I walk back out, my nails immediately finding themselves between my teeth.

Kartik is holding a rat and Onkar drops some water into the rat's mouth. After doing so, they place the rat in the same sectioned box. "Okay, we're done. I fed the ones your sister brought too–"

"I'm not her sister." Divya interrupts and clarifies.

"Ok, so your cousin...?"

"No, she's not my cousin." Divya folds her hands, as if she is been offended and not wrongly labeled.

Onkar huffs. "Ok, whatever!"

Kartik chuckles and completes on behalf of Onkar. "We'll leave the rats here 'cause both of our houses strictly prohibit pests." I only nod.

"Also, one more thing." Kartik begins. It's odd to hear him talk after having him mute from the moment we met. "Are you participating in that fencing competition?"

"Yea."

"Did teachers select you or...?"

"They did. They think I'll be best to represent on the state level. Why? What happened?"

He rubs his neck. "Actually, I wanted to participate and the headmaster had promised me of it but..."

Why do all bad people surround you, Arasi? Parin asks.

'Bad?'

Don't be so dumb now. They both approached you with this ulterior motive to ask you to opt out from the competition. Seems like they don't deem you as capable enough to fight in that competition. Parin says and it all starts to make sense. Kartik is talking and talking but I can't hear him as Parin's words fade his voice.

First Divya who even hates to get linked in any way with you and then these two morons. I don't why are you letting them step over you, my dear. You need to show them who's better. You need to show them who's the powerful one.

Unconsciously, I'm nodding my head profusely as my breathing gets heavier each second. "You know what?" I get all three pairs of eyes on me. "You think that I'm not capable enough to fight in that competition, don't you?"

Kartik tilts his head as his brows narrow. "What are you sayi–"

"Then lets get our swords and see who's the best." I challenge.

He exchanges glances with Onkar again and again. "Wait, what?"

"C'mon," I walk out my room and the three catch up with me. "We've plenty of swords. You can choose whichever you like."

"Wait, Arasi, I was never challenging you." Kartik tells.

"Lies." I snort and look at him. "Let's make this more interesting then. The one who wins gets to participate in the competition." The deal makes Kartik reconsider it as he goes into deep thought.

"It's just a causal spar. What's wrong with that? Afraid?" The words come out before I even think. I won't let people or be it anyone think I can't do anything. It's tiring to have them look down upon me just because I unlocked down my second soul late. No, not again. I wouldn't let them crush me again.

At the fencing ground, the training soldiers stop and turn towards me to bow before continuing with their training. I chose an empty open spot for us and pick two practice swords, throwing one to Kartik. "Whose sword falls first, loses."

"Just so you know I'm not afraid of you..." He says, holding the sword tighter.

"You will, soon." I smirk. The pavada doesn't bother me. I've practiced in that attire. Guruji always says, a princess should always be ready. Holding the sword itself makes my heart calm down. It is a sport I loved from the day I started.

Kartik attacks first and I dodge it. His blade strikes again. I parry by holding my sword vertically. At first my eyes learn his style– how his hands move faster than his feet and his legs aren't bent. His attacks are powerful as I defend and dodge them one by one. But his legs are slow and miss accuracy.

The minute I see him heave a heavy breath, I lunge forward. He's surprised but still alert. Walking back, he slips through my attack. But I'm swift enough to swirl my blade around his making him lose his hold on the sword. The sword doesn't falls down though. So I thrust again, only this time, I tap the end of the sword with mine. The sword falls down.

I grin in victory and recede back to gaze at his defeated face. His eyes are big but they don't look at me. They look behind me. Before I could follow his gaze, Onkar comes in.

"Hey, are you okay?" He asks Kartik, checking his reddening wrist.

"We... we should go." He turns back and strides off and Onkar rushes behind him.

My smile slowly vanishes like the sun that vaporizes water. All the adrenaline rush stops and the feeling of dread again takes its place in my stomach. I turn my gaze at Divya, who this time isn't happy or cheering as she was when I shot perfect arrows during archery.

"What's wrong with you, Arasi?" She asks. It's the second time I see that face on her– the face of disappointment. The first time I saw it when I backed away from saving that farmer. "Kartik didn't want to fight. You wanted to boost your ego, right?"

Not replying, I instead run off. Proper thoughts aren't able to form in my mind. Now the sword isn't in my hands anymore, they're sweaty again. What's wrong with me? Why do I feel like dying but at the same time I'm alive? This victory should have made me feel good. It should have stopped the unwanted and unexplained worry in me. I proved that I'm the best but I still don't feel any better.

"Arasi, wait!" At Divya's voice calling me from behind, I tumble forward and fall on my knees. A stinging pain shoots up through my joints even though I fell on the marble tiles of the palace hallways.

"Hey, hey, are you okay?" Divya's concerned voice is the only thing that is audible in the hallways. She helps me to sit against the large carved pillar.

"Breathe, Arasi." She tells me. It's when she says that I realize I'm not breathing. My heart is pounding so fast but I still can't get air in my chest. Sweat dribbles down my spine as Divya cups my face.

"Okay, okay, calm down and look at me." She orders. "Breathe with me as I count, okay? One." I breathe in deeply. "Two." She pauses for me to inhale and exhale. "Three." My hands finally stop shaking. "Four." My gaze is fixed on her and I feel my heart rate going down at a normal pace. "Five." I can breathe, finally.

She gives me a few minutes to breathe a little more and rubs my shoulder. "Are you okay?"

I nod. Relief floods her face as a smile pops up on her lips. She sits beside me, her legs opened as much as it can when restrained by a saree. "You scared me there, girl."

"How do you know... this?" I ask, my voice weak and low.

"My mother used to have them alot in the past. I just picked up this trick through experience."

I want to know how and why but my body is too exhausted to even fulfill my curious thoughts.

"But you need to tell me what happened to you. What triggered you?"

"I don't know." My eyes flicker at her. For a few minutes, my limbs are relaxed and my mind is free from anxiety I was feeling for the past hour.

"C'mon, let's get you to bed then." But the fear comes rushing back to me when Divya stands up.

"No, no, no." I pull her back down, beside me. I hold her hand, our fingers tangling together. "Let's just sit here. Like this."

Her eyebrows go up but she doesn't question. She goes on to talk about how she once got bitten by a dog and now she hates them to death. Her words keep me distracted. It fades away the other voices in my head and I even shut out Parin for sometime. This comfort is something I have never experienced. It's like sitting in with mother nature while the trees and the birds sing for you and the winds calm all your senses. I have to admit that being with Divya and holding her hand provides me with the same tranquility that being underwater does.

So you're admitting it? Parin mocks.

'It's the truth. I'm not running from it anymore. And you don't talk to me.'

Why're you upset with me, my dear? Her tone softens.

'You pitted me against Kartik.'

I was just helping you. What if I'd said it would've been true?

'But it's not.' I shut her out. I didn't need anyone else but Divya.

My eyes flicker to her. She is admiring the simple painted wall ahead of us. "Am I boring you?" I ask.

"No." She says it as if I have said the most ridiculous thing in the world. "I'm honored to be in some use for the Crown Princess."

"But you don't like me..."

She looks at me and cocks a brow.

"That day when I backed out to save that farmer." I remind her.

Her smile grows faint. "Oh... That, you still haven't told me why you got so scared. What scared you so much to do the right thing?"

"My father. I didn't want to disappoint him again and again. You wouldn't be knowing it but in Nivaan if you don't unlock your second soul when you're sixteen. I was a year late. People assume me as incompetent and that includes my father. And this is not it. I've let down my father so many times, I can't even count. And then I expect him to love me." Words dash out of my mouth as if the restrained door of emotions is finally opened.

"You shouldn't expect your parents to love you. It's their duty. It's their responsibility to walk with you through all the obstacles of your life."

For the first time, I agree with her. I hear Parin again and bury her in the deep closet of my mind.

"But he's a King, the Maharaj of Nivaan. How can I expect him to be available for me all the time?"

She shakes her head. "I've seen how he's with you Arasi. And to be honest, it's not your fault at all."

In my mind, I disagree with her. So she says that unlocking my second soul late is my father's fault? Me getting involved with drugs is my father's fault? No, it's all my fault. It's my emotions that overpower all my senses and lead me to do the wrong things.

But I don't argue. I have no strength to do so. We sit in the serenity of the evening wind as a few servants pass by but we don't heed them any attention. My mind feels light after letting all that out to someone. "I never knew I would be having deep conversations with the girl that irritated me so much."

She chuckles. "C'mon, don't lie, I keep you entertained."

I laugh and slap her arm playfully.

"See, you just need to give a chance to people."

Soon, I fall asleep, hands held tightly and head on her shoulder.

***