Inside the home of two young business professionals who have been in a long-term relationship. The time period is the current age.

Man (distressed) - "Something is not quite right."

Woman - "What isn't honey?"

Man - "I can't find my supersuit."

Woman - "Why do you want to find it?"

Man - "I like supersuits."

Woman - "I know you do."

Man - "How?"

Woman- "You told me."

Man (perplexed) - "When?"

Woman - "Just now."

Man - "And?"

Woman - "And what?"

Man - "Guess what?"

Woman - "What?"

Man - "Chickenbutt."

Woman - "Do chickens really have a butt?"

Man - "I am not sure, and I don't want to find out."

Woman - "That is one of your problems, you are always afraid of discovering the truth."

Man - "Some people just can't handle the truth, and I am one of those people."

Woman - "And by saying that, you are being truthful."

Man - "On the topic of truth, I never was a fan of Beauty and The Beast."

Woman (shocked) - "What! Why? It's a beautiful film."

Man - "Honestly, I just always found Beauty and The Beast rather inappropriate."

Woman - "I find you inappropriate."

Man - "Why is that?"

Woman - "Because you wear supersuits instead of everyday fashion. You even wore your supersuit to my best friend's wedding!"

Man (appalled at the accusation) - "I did no such thing!"

Woman - "I have photos!"

Man - "Oh, well in that case...I guess I did. Unless you edited them."

Woman - "Why would I take the time to edit photos in order to prove a point that I didn't foresee I would need to prove?"

Man - "Because your loco."

Woman - "Un poco loco."

Man - "Everyone is a little crazy."

Woman - "The greatest ones are."

Man - "That is something a crazy person would say."

Woman - "You told me you wanted to be with someone who was a little insane, that you liked your girls crazy."

Man - "I also told you that I had a big truck because you told me you like big trucks."

Woman - "I do! I love that you can drive over anything, that you can see miles ahead with that heightened perspective, and that you never have to worry about moving your things...Or if I want a dresser off of Craigslist in the free stuff section, I can actually get it because it would never fit inside my small sedan."

Man - "Do you want to know what I really like?"

Woman - "Not really."

Man - "Well I am going to tell you anyway."

Woman (rolls eyes) - "Of course you are."

Man - "I like cleaning my ears...with a cotton-swab."

Woman - "You aren't supposed to do that."

Man - "I know, I saw and read the warning, but who actually listens to that?"

Woman - "I do!"

Man - "You are a dull person, that is why."

Woman - "You just said I was crazy! Make up your damn mind on your judgment of me!"

Man - "Calm down, you're acting crazy!"

Woman (rolls eyes and crosses arms) - "You're unbelievable."

Man - "Okay, where was I? Oh yes, cleaning...well more like rubbing the inside of your ear with a cotton swab. Now believe me when I tell you that that is one of the few luxuries offered to us in this wretched place we call our world."

Woman - "The world isn't wretched."

Man (scoffs) - "Easy for you to say."

Woman - "Why is that?"

Man - "Because for you the world isn't wretched, but for me it is. You would say it was wretched if you were in my shoes."

Woman - "Give me your shoes."

Man - "What?"

Woman - "You heard me, give me your shoes." (reaches her hand out to gesture that she wants him to hand her his shoes)

Man (defensive) - "You wouldn't fit in them, your feet are too small."

Woman - "Let me be the judge of that."

Man - "They don't match your outfit."

Woman - "Give them to me! Why are you so apprehensive and afraid?"

Man (trying to change the subject and begins looking around) - "Oh crap! Do you know where I put my bag of russet potatoes?"

Woman - "Of course not, I am not your potato keeper, I am your girlfriend. Now give me your shoes."

Man - "I don't like to be pressured into actions...I didn't like it in college, and I don't like it now."

Woman - "I am going to walk out this door."

Man - "If you walk out, you better put on shoes. I don't want you to hurt your feet."

Woman - "Give me yours."

Man - "Fuck you."

Woman - "That's it...This is your last warning...If I walk out this door now, I'm not ever walking back in."

Man - "What about climbing through my window like when we first dated?"

Woman - "Not doing that either."

Man - "Can we do it in the car like ol' times?"

Woman (annoyed) - "You're a moron, I'm leaving." (begins walking towards the door)

Man - "Wait, catch!" (throws shoe at her and it hits her in the back of the head)

Woman (upset) - "What the fuck! Why did you do that! You jerk!"

Man (extremely puzzled) - "First you want me to give you my shoes, and I do, and now you are extremely upset that I did. There is no pleasing you! Jack was right, I should have broken up with you years ago."

Woman - "What? Why?"

Man - "You pour milk in the bowl before you pour your cereal."

Woman - "So?"

Man - "So!? Everyone around the world recognizes that that sort of action is downright disturbing, and a clear warning that the person is capable of committing thee most heinous deeds imaginable and unimaginable...Actually, come to think about it, all serial killers have this in common! They all pour milk before cereal!"

(The woman was putting on the shoes during this brief tirade)

Woman (looking down at the shoes) - "Shit, you were right."

Man (confused so he is smiling apprehensively) - "I was?"

Woman - "Yep, your shoes don't match my outfit, and you don't match my fire. We're done."

Man (in dismay) - "Does that mean we're over?"

Woman - "Yes, Scarecrow."

Man (extremely bewildered) - "Who is Scarecrow? That isn't my name."

Woman - "Scarecrow meaning you don't have a brain! Get it? Wizard of Oz!"

Man - "Are you incapable of using a reference from this century?"

Woman - "It's iconic!"

Man (crosses arms) - "Says who?"

Woman - "Everyone!"

Man - "I am a part of everyone, and I don't say it is iconic."

Woman - "I hate you."

Man - "Hate is such a strong word."

Woman - "And this is a strong punch." (she hits him square on the nose)

Man (more shocked than hurt, covers his nose with his hands) - "Oww! What is your deal?"

Woman - "I haven't looked over the deal I signed in years, but it contains language that is over your head."

Man - "You mean nonsense legal jargon?"

Woman - "Your face is nonsense legal jargon."

Man - "That is childish."

Woman - "No this is."

Man - "What?"

Woman (holds out finger) - "Pull my finger."

Man - "Okay." (pulls her finger)

(She lifts up her leg and farts)

Man (repulsed) - "You are truly disgusting."

Woman - "What? Women aren't allowed to fart?"

Man - "A dignified lady with class never farts...nor burps, nor picks her nose, nor uses profanity, nor shits...and only on rare occasions does she piss."

Woman - "That is a completely outdated ideology, not to mention some of those things are physically impossible."

Man - "You wouldn't know, you are not a dignified lady. You are a drunken wildebeest without even the slightest of manners. But thankfully I know what to get you for Christmas this year."

Woman (interested) - "What?"

Man - "A book on proper etiquette."

Woman - "Keep your gifts, we are through."

Man - "Does this mean we are finished?"

Woman - "Fin-E-Toe."

Man (puzzled) - "Come again?"

Woman (exasperated) - "We are finished. There is no more you and I, we no longer exist."

Man (utterly horrified) - "Wait, what? I'm disappearing! What!? No!"

(Woman palms forehead in disbelief and annoyance)

Man (calms down) - "Wait, I still see you...So, there is still a you." (looks down and sees his hands and touches his body and face) "And indeed, there is still an I. So we do still exist, you and I."

(A couch cushion suddenly flies in the air, and Lady Gaga emerges and sings loudly)

Lady Gaga (singing loudly) - "YOU AND I--iiiiiii-iiiiii-iiiiii."

Man - "She inspires hope."

Woman - "There is still hope baby."

Man (surprised but happy) - "Wait, really?"

Woman - "Take my hand? And be my man?" (holds out her hand and smiles warmly at him).

Man (grabs her hand tenderly, and smiles back at her) - "Forever and ever."

Woman - "Well it can't be forever because that is impossible. We are mortals who must perish."

Man - "So you are experiencing what it is like being in my shoes."

Woman (puzzled) - "What do you mean?"

Man - "You are uttering words of great despair and harrowing gloom with your talks about death."

Woman - "Death doesn't always have to be sad."

Man - "I knew it! Murderer! Jack was right."

Woman - "You know what I would like right now?"

Man - "What baby?"

Woman - "I'd like a cupcake, a chocolate one."

Man - "I'd like a waffle, a Belgian one."

Woman - "Shall we go on a date to Cupcakes and Waffles? Like old times?"

Man - "I like that little brain of yours."

Woman - "My brain isn't little, fuck-face."

Man - "My face doesn't fuck. It talks, it listens, it smells, it tastes, it kisses, it feels...it loves."

Woman - "Roses are red."

Man - "Violets are blue."

Woman - "Cupcakes are sweet."

Man - "And so are you."

Woman - "Oh snuggle-bunny you are so romantic."

Man - "My go-to palm reader told me I had a romantic soul."

Woman (puzzled) - "How did she know that from reading your palm?"

Man - "Oh yes, you're right. She said I have a romantic palm."

Woman - "I think she was just hitting on you."

Man (slightly offended) - "Are you saying I don't have a romantic palm?"

Woman - "I just don't think your palm is Lord Byron or anything."

Man (more offended) - "I never said it was, she did."

Woman - "Okay whatever, can we just kiss and make up?"

Man - "Sure, let me just put on chapstick first."

Woman - "Okay."

Man - "And let me eat a breath mint, I ate a burger with grilled onions earlier so my breath smells like a fairy crapped in it."

Woman - "Okay."

Man - "Okay."

Woman - "Are you ready now, princess?"

Man - "My father and mother are not royalty, and I am not heir to any kingdom. Therefore, I don't think I qualify as a princess?"

Woman - "Just shut up and kiss me."

Man - "You bet your sweet-candy ass I will."

They kiss.

THE END