Inside a studio with a live audience.

Bob - "Hello everyone and welcome to the Mid-Day Show with me, your host, Bob Sanders. Today you are in for a treat as our special guest is everyone's favorite competitive eater. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you, the 8-time reigning hot dog eating champion, Gil McGuire."

(Gil comes out holding a hot dog cannon and begins to shoot hot dogs into the crowd. The crowd is going crazy. A hotdog nails a kid in his abdomen at a staggering velocity, another smacks a woman in the face so hard that it leaves an imprint.)

Gil - "That's not the first time she's taken a weiner to the dome. I'll tell you that much."

(Bob and Gil shake hands in an overly cheerful manner. The two take a seat and the crowd quiets down and sits as well.)

Bob (with a huge cheesy grin) - "Gil it's absolutely fantastic to have you here today."

Gil - "It's great to be here Bob."

Bob - "So you are just coming off of your record breaking performance of eating 81 hot dogs in just 10 minutes. (crowd whistles and cheers) That is utterly astounding, and I must ask, do you even enjoy the taste of hot dogs at this point? I would imagine you would be quite sick of them."

Gil - "Interesting that you should mention that, because the first time I ate a hot dog I didn't even like it."

(Crowd roars in laughter)

Bob (laughs) - "Wow, well that is surprising. What made you decide to eat hot dogs as a living then, if you didn't even enjoy the taste?"

Gil - "Well Bob it all started in college; it was Rally Week, and the school held a hot dog eating competition, the winner would be given $100. I had a few beers and I was a broke college kid so I thought 'hey, what the hell, I might as well shoot my shot.' I ended up winning and I thought to myself, 'Wow, I'm really good at this,' and then I decided to take it seriously from then on."

Bob - "Funny how life works. So do you like the taste of them now?"

Gil - "No, not really, but I am not eating it for the taste, I am eating it to win."

Bob - "And winning is something you have done numerous times in your career, eight times to be exact."

Gil - "Indeed, and it is going to be nine times this year." (smirks)

Bob (chuckles) - "Gil, how do you stay motivated? What drives you?"

Gil - "The same thing that drove Ash Ketchum, to be the very best."

Bob - "Well you are definitely making a convincing case of that."

Gil - "Thanks Bob."

Bob - "Gil, the fans absolutely adore you. What do you think makes you so appealing?"

(Crowd goes crazy, shouts of "I love you Gil!" are dispersed throughout the cheers.)

Gil (smiles at the crowd and then at Bob) - "Well you see Bob, the world loves winners. The day I lose is the day the people turn on me. It is not really a characteristic or quality that I possess that makes the fans revere me, it is just because of my domination in the sport. The fact that I win is the primary reason, if not the only reason that they love me. Think about Mike Tyson, he had a lisp, beat women, was ill-behaved, and was a very ornery person, but the world loved him just as long as he was viciously knocking people unconscious. The day he got knocked out is the day the world turned on him and suddenly hated him."

Bob - "Interesting, but what do you mean by that? May you elaborate please?"

Gil - "I mean no matter how beloved you are, the people long for your downfall. The people are wolves, they love you one day, but secretly, underneath that love, they are rooting for your downfall. When you slip up, and make that catastrophic mistake, they eagerly and quite pleasingly pounce on you and devour you."

Bob - "Similar to how you devour hot dogs?"

Gil - "Precisely."

Bob - "Other than losing and having the fans turn on you, do you have any fears when you compete?"

Gil - "Yeah, that I will choke on stage, literally choke. That would be downright humiliating."

(Crowd laughs and Bob chuckles)

Bob - "That would definitely be humiliating. Do you have any uplifting words for your fans watching?"

Gil - "Yes, if you can believe it, you can achieve it."

Bob - "Profound words indeed. You have accomplished all that can be accomplished in competitive eating, therefore, why keep going? When do you plan on retiring?

Gil - "The day I stop getting pussy from being a hot dog eating champion."

Bob - "Do women really find a hot dog eating champion attractive?"

Gil - "Of course, they love a man that knows how to handle his meat." (crowd whistles and cheers, Gil winks to the crowd.)

Bob (chuckles) - "Fair enough, are you worried about your health?"

Gil - "We are all going to die someday, so in the end, does it matter?...Also I offset it by drinking coconut water and doing sit ups before bed."

Bob - "I have read about the numerous health benefits derived from coconut water."

Gil - "Yes, and I only drink Nature's Finest Coconut Water. (holds up the bottle for the audience and Bob) The best coconut water money can buy, and you can buy it at any major retailer near you. Use coupon code Gil if you plan on purchasing it online for 20% off an order of 12 bottles or more."

Bob - "I'm purchasing mine today. So is it wrong for people to assume that you don't care about your health?"

Gil - "Take a look at my physique, clearly I care about my health." (flexes his biceps to the crowd and the crowd goes wild)

Bob (chuckles) - "Speaking of your physique, I want to bring up the doping scandal."

Gil - "Bob I understand you have to ask about it but it is not a scandal, it is a malicious and erroneous claim that was pushed by people, who I will not name, who started the rumor out of resentment and hatred of me beating them in every single competition. It is another case of losers being jealous of winners and wanting to bring the winners down to the loser's level. Bob, I have such a deep love for the sport that I wouldn't dare desecrate it. Therefore, I have never taken performance enhancing drugs, and I refuse to ever take performance enhancing drugs. And that is all I am going to say regarding the matter. Legally that is all I can say, because as you know, the proceedings are still ongoing."

Bob - "I understand. To change topics here, I read somewhere that a documentary is being created that is based around your life, and is following you around while you train for the biggest hot dog eating championship in America; which is of course the televised 4th of July event in Coney Island."

Gil - "Yes, that event is considered by most as the absolute pinnacle of human athletic performance. As well as a proud display of competition for our great country."

Bob - "I would further your statement by saying it is also the pinnacle of entertainment and theatrics in American sports."

Gil - "That is also true."

Bob - "To get back to the documentary, it is more than just you training for the competition, there is a significant portion of it that is dedicated to your private life. So the fans are granted the rare opportunity of meeting the man who is behind the wieners."

Gil - "Funny that you say that, because that was actually one of the titles tossed around in the writing room, "The Man Behind the Weiners."

Bob - "There were actually many titles that were considered, am I correct?"

Gil - "You are correct Bob. There was: A Hot Dog's Tale. and One Man, Many Weiners: The Quest Towards Greatness. Also, The Greatest Weiner. But we went with the subtle title of, A Mouth Full of Meat."

Bob - "Brilliant. Additionally what is unique about this film is that the ordinary person has a privilege of seeing how much training and effort you athletes put into your craft."

Gil - "Yes, unfortunately people tend to look down upon competitive eaters and try their best to consider us not athletes. I am hoping that this documentary dispels the incorrect narratives that are spouted out by critics.We are truly dedicated athletes who train vigorously, and it is a marvelous physical feat to do what we do. It is easier to dunk a basketball than to eat 40 hot dogs in 10 minutes. I think it is absolutely demeaning that people look at us as some sort of circus act, they won't even invite us to the ESPYS."

Bob - "Is it really that important to you that the sports world recognizes competitive eating as a sport? And you as one of the premier athletes of not only the sport of competitive eating, but one of the best athletes of our generation?"

Gil (passionately) - "Yes! Absolutely! I feel as if I am Van Eyck and the world continues to consider me a primitive artist though I am clearly just as great, if not better, than Botticeli and his spaghetti loving Italian renaissance friends."

Bob (very puzzled) - "Yeah...Well Gil, do you have any final comments about the sport of competitive eating that you'd like to say to the world?"

Gil - "Yes I do. Competitive eating is not just a sport, nor a business, nor a career, nor an excuse to overly indulge, but it's a crusade. A consecration to a joy that justifies the existence of the Earth."

Bob - "I don't think I want to taint those words with a clumsy response, therefore I think we should just end the interview. Gil McGuire it has been a tremendous honor to interview you, and I wish you all the best in your future events, and I am looking forward to seeing your documentary."

Gil - "Thanks for having me Bob, it's been amazing."

Bob - "Hot Dog Eating Champion Gil McGuire everyone!"

(The two stand up and shake hands. The crowd cheers, and Gil takes a bow and then waves to them.)

THE END