Man – "Birds, birds, these damn birds keep tapping on my window. Why must they chirp and squawk? Pipe down you damn birds!"

Birds are outside chirping and squawking, "Squaaaaaaddddd!"

Man 2 – "I do not hear any chirping, I think you are going insane friend."

Man – "Are your ears out of tune? How are you not aware of the chirps and squawks of these nasty, devilish creatures? They will not cease, they will not yield, they will not falter! They are persistent little vermin with wings. Yuck! The devil take them, or I will spit on them."

Man 2 – "Will you actually spit on them? That sounds quite grotesque, and also extremely unnecessary."

Man – "Oh, and you don't do things that are grotesque? Should I mention the summer in Cancun in 1999?

Man 2 (eyes wide and gasps) – "You wouldn't dare..."

Man (confidently sassy) – "Oh, I would dare. I even took pics, so you know it happened."

Man 2 – "I'm calling your bluff."

Man – "Okay, your funeral." (pulls out his cell phone) "I just posted the pictures on Facebook."

Man 2 (greatly agitated) – "W.T.F.! I can't believe you just did that. How dare you! We cannot be friends anymore!" (pulls out his cell phone)

Man – "You wouldn't dare!"

Man 2 (fiendishly satisfied) – "Yep, I just dared and unfriended your ass."

Man – "Add me back, jerk."

Man 2 (puts his phone back into his pocket) – "Nope."

Man (on his cell phone) – "I just sent you a friend request, please add me back."

Man 2 – "No, fuck you."

Man – "Why must you be so petty?"

Man 2 – "Why must you be so ugly?"

Man – "Now you are just being hurtful and rude."

Man 2 – "You are rude, you spit on birds!"

Man – "You pooped on a chimichanga!"

Man 2 – "It was a dare!...And I was younger then."

Man – "Hey, do you remember that one time?"

Man 2 – "What one time?"

Man – "You know, that one time. When the time was one."

Man 2 – "Oh yeah! That was a great time."

Man (smiles and looks up joyfully reminiscing) – "It was the best of times...Ahhh, I remember it like it was just yesterday."

Man 2 – "You were standing there, with your hair, looking like a square, and we were in your lair."

Man – "Yes, and you brought me my favorite beer, as well as a tuna sandwich that was quite delicious I must say."

Man 2 – "Yes, and you kissed a tree with your tuna and beer breath."

Man – "I wanted to be more than just a tree hugger, I wanted to be...a tree kisser."

Man 2 – "Well you succeeded my friend."

Man – "That I did, that I did."

Man 2 (smiles and delightfully reminisces) – "Ahhhh...such good times."

Man (smiling) – "Such great times."

Man 2 – "Great times indeed...Hey, whatever happened to Ava?"

Man – "We stopped talking."

Man 2 – "Why?"

Man – "Ava lost her voice, remember?...She got throat punched by Liam Neeson...twice!"

Man 2 (shocked) – "Really!?"

Man – "Yeah, so she lost the ability to talk. Hence why we do not talk anymore."

Man 2 – "That is a bit tragic...Well, do you still text?"

Man – "No, don't you remember what happened?"

Man 2 – "No, what happened?"

Man – "She got her hands chopped off in a boating accident."

Man 2 (horrified) – "That is horrible! How did that happen?"

Man – "She was in a boat...and she got in an accident...and her hands were chopped off...Hence why we do not text anymore. Am I not making myself clear here?"

Man 2 – "To be frank, not really...that is rather vague. I can't help but feel like you are purposely leaving out a lot of details."

Man – "Life is messy okay!"

Man 2 – "I am no mathematician, but something isn't adding up."

Man (exasperated) – Oh fuck you Sherlock Holmes! Fine! Fine! You really want to know the truth?"

Man 2 – "Yes!"

Man – "Well you can't handle the truth!"

Man 2 – "I have quite the tolerance when it comes to receiving the truth, therefore, I am confident in my ability to handle the truth."

Man – "Fine! We don't talk anymore because Ava fell in love with her coworker."

Man 2 – "No way! What, how?"

Man – "She told me the two of them sang a beautiful duet together on Karaoke night."

Man 2 – "Fuck...that's rough. I'm very sorry."

Man (dejected) – "Yeah...but it makes sense. They sang Ne-Yo and Rihanna's hit song, Hate That I Love You. And I guess the chemistry between the two was undeniable..."

Man 2 (sympathetic) – "Man, I'm truly sorry to hear that. That song does make people fall in love, I've seen it too many times."

Man – "Yeah, are you happy now? Thanks for making me relive a terribly traumatic memory, and causing me to feel all of the horrible emotions associated with the memory once again."

Man 2 – "That's what friends are for!"

Man – "Really? I could be wrong, for I am no expert in friend-ology, but I thought friends were for something else."

Man 2 – "Hmmmm...possibly, maybe we should Google what they are for."

Man – "Maybe we should."

Man 2 – "Yeah, maybe we should."

Man (irritated) – "Yeah, maybe we fucking should."

Man 2 (annoyed) – "Yeah, that is what I just said."

Man (in an aggravated tone of voice) – "You just know all the right things to say now don't you?"

Man 2 – "I was just making a suggestion...sorry."

Man – "You should be sorry."

Man 2 – "Why should I be sorry?"

Man – "You opened up old wounds!!! I'm bleeding here! I feel like Leona Lewis up in this bitch! I'm bleeding love gawd dammit! I'm bleeding love, I'm bleeding love..." (starts sobbing)

Man 2 (apologetic) – "Sorry Man, do you need me to get a first aid kit?"

Man (whimpering) – "I loved her, okay?"

Man 2 – "Okay...but didn't you only know her for a couple of weeks? And didn't..."

Man (passionately interjects) – "I LOVED HER, OKAY! Love is not constricted by time. She was my soulmate...Or at least I thought she was...We were meant to be together, my horoscope told me so. Our signs were compatible, it was written in the stars, it should have been our romantic destiny to be together for all time."

Man 2 – "Damn...You know what?"

Man – "What?"

Man 2 – "Chicken butt..." (smiles in a teasing manner)

Man stares at him with a blank and lifeless expression.

Man 2 – "Sorry, I couldn't resist...Just like I couldn't resist your mom last night. Hey-yo! Yowza!"

Man continues to stare at him with a blank and lifeless expression.

Man 2 – "Okay, okay...I'm sorry, jeez! I was just trying to brighten the mood, loosen up Man. No wonder Ava left you."

Man (outraged) – "Fuck you! I'm very loose...I'm so loose that I am 3 sizes too big loose."

Man 2 – "Okay, okay, you're loose. Anyways, you should fight for her love."

Man – "I am not a fighter, I am a lover. Plus, I don't own a pair of boxing gloves, nor do I want to purchase any because I feel like I will not get my money's worth since I will probably use them only once or twice...maybe three times if I purchase a punching bag as well...but then that is just another investment I would have to make."

Man 2 – "No, not literal fighting! I'm thinking you should throw rocks at her window, and you play, Hate That I Love You, on Spotify through your portable Bluetooth speaker, and you turn the volume up loud enough so that she hears it. That will definitely show her how much you love her."

Man – "Hey, that's not a bad idea."

Man 2 – "I know...I'm the human Google, I know everything, remember?"

Man – "You just may be on to something. Let's go try it, now!"

Outside of Ava's apartment, Man throws a large, heavy rock at Ava's window. The rock smashes through her window and you hear Ava scream.

Ava (looks out the window, and is pissed) – "What the fuck!"

Man – "Ava! I love you! This song accurately expresses the way I feel about you, please listen." (He presses play and holds the speaker above his head. The song, Hate That I Love you, begins playing) "You're my soulmate Ava!"

Ava – "Man, I'm sorry, but Co-worker has my heart now."

Co-Worker (appears at the window) – "Hey Man, I'm sorry, but I have Ava's heart now." (he holds out Ava's literal heart)

Man 2 (perplexed) – "How are you still alive? I didn't know a person could live without a heart."

Ava – "Anything is possible when you have love."

Co-Worker – "She speaks truth...Hey Man, thank you for playing our song!" (Co-worker kneels down on one knee) "Ava, since the first day we sang together, I knew that I wanted to marry you." (Co-worker opens a small box containing a diamond ring) "Ava, will you make me the happiest man in the universe?"

Ava (delightfully shocked, she holds her hands to her mouth and begins to cry tears of joy) – "Oh my gosh Co-Worker! Yes! Yes! A million times yes!"

Before Co-Worker puts the ring on Ava's finger, a mysterious figure suddenly appears.

Happiest Man In The Universe (flies down from the sky) – "I am the happiest man in the universe! No one can dethrone me." (he shoots Co-worker in the heart with a sad arrow)

Co-Worker (clutches his chest in pain) – "Owwwww! I am now the saddest man in the entire universe."

Ava (woefully cries out) – "No!!!! Co-Worker! No!"

Man (jumps in the air with joy) – "Thank you Happiest Man in the Universe! Thank you! You are my hero."

Ava – "He's not a hero! He just destroyed true love...Plus, he isn't even wearing a cape."

Happiest Man in the Universe – "Not all heroes wear capes, that is just a rash and false assumption."

Man 2 – "That is true! I just looked it up on Google. The Happiest Man in the Universe appears to be correct. There seems to be a numerous amount of people considered heroes that do not wear capes. I'm sorry Ava, but you are incorrect in your assertion."

Ava (tremendously distraught) – "Leave! ALL OF YOU! You ruined my life!"

Man – "Well you ruined mine when you decided to leave me to be with Co-Worker."

Co-Worker (crying because he is so sad now) – "I am so sad! I am the saddest man in the entire universe!"

Ava (crying because she is so sad) – "I am so sad! I am the saddest woman in the entire universe!"

Co-Worker (sniffling but regaining his composure) – "Wait, do you really mean that?"

Ava (more composed, slightly sniffling and wiping away remaining tears) – "Yes...I do."

Co-Worker – "This may be crazy, but would you like to be the saddest people in the entire universe, together?"

Ava – "Together forever?"

Co-Worker (kneels on one knee, and pulls out the diamond engagement ring once again) – "Forever and ever."

Co-Worker slips the ring on her ring finger. They embrace tenderly and kiss lovingly, tears flowing down both their faces.

Man (vexed) – "You got to be fucking kidding me!"

Man 2 is taking photos and smiling with teary eyes.

Man (more upset) – "What the fuck Man 2! I thought you were on my side?"

Man 2 (wipes away some soft tears) – "Sorry, this is just so touching. I want to make sure I capture the moment, this beautiful moment, stay moment stay, do not pass away, love exists forever and always."

Man – "Well at least their relationship will be filled with sadness."

Co-Worker – "Yes, but we will be together, not alone like you."

Man (offended) – "I'm not alone! I have a parakeet, I named him Rob."

Co-Worker (begins crying again) – "I'm so sad!"

Ava (crying) – "I'm so sad too!"

Co-Worker – "I hate that I love you!"

Ava – "I hate that I love you!"

The two begin singing, Hate That I Love You, together.

Man 2 (completely crying now) – "This is so fucking beautiful. I can honestly see why they fell in love. Their chemistry is undeniable, it is as if they were created for one another."

Happiest Man In The Universe (holding up a candle, waving it back and forth slowly, he has tears in his eyes) – "They make me believe in love."

Man (wipes a few tears from his eyes) – "Fuck...I can't deny it. They really are meant to be together."

Ava and Co-Worker are swaying back and forth, holding each other, singing a beautiful duet while looking into each other's eyes as if they are peering into each other's souls, it is a touching moment of idyllic harmony.

THE END