Oojipleg gasped again, "How did you know!?"

"I saw you kissing it," Bridegog said with a deadpan. "Don't you know that we are at war with them?"

"But in that moment, the war didn't matter! All that matters is my love for the grape!" Oojipleg argued.

"YOU KNEW HIM FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS YOU IDIOT!'' shouted Bridegog.

"BUT BRIDEGOG I LOVE HIM!"

"BUT YOU'RE AN IDIOT!"

"AM NOT!"

"AND HE IS A GRAPE." Bridegog looked at the grape man. "Or he was."

"But maybe our love can end this war and unite our peoples...wait what did you do to him??" Oojipleg said.

"What did I??? DO???" Bridegog screeched. "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO KILLED HIM AND--AND-- Oojipleg. you are not making any sense right now" said Bridegog. "You just said you loved him and then you killed him then you harvested his grape juice??????"

"Uh. I guess I did," Oojipleg said, blinking in shock.

"..... you have issues, my dude," said Bridegog.

"NO CRAP BRIDEGOG!" after Oojipleg had calmed down a bit, he and Bridegog continued their conversation.

"But I tell you, you are a wizard! He is a grape! This is not some enemies to lovers fanfiction!" Bridegog cried. Little did she know, it was an enemies to lovers fanfiction.

"I don't know what fanfiction is," replied Oojipleg, at which Bridegog and Ghmarglif gasped in horror.

"You don't know what fanfiction is?" Ghmarglif screeched.

Oojipleg scowled. "Am I supposed to know?"

"Of course you are! It is in the Great Glittering Glamourous Holy Book Of The Wizards that all wizards must read fanfiction!" Bridegog said indignantly. "Were you never taught this?"

"I slept during the lessons on the Great Glittering Glamourous Holy Book Of The Wizards" Oojipleg mumbled.

"I was the one teaching that!" Ghmarflig said indignantly.

"I know. That's why I fell asleep."

Ghmarflig couldn't think of anything to say and spluttered indignantly. Meanwhile, Oojipleg picked up his knife where it lay on the floor. He began to fiddle with said knife. He accidentally cut himself and sparkly purple glitter came out instead of blood!

"WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!?" screamed Oojipleg. "AM I BECOMING A GRAPE FROM DRINKING GRAPE JUICE!?"

"YOU KISSED A GRAPE MAN AND DRANK HIS BLOOD!" Ghmarflig screeched. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT DOING THAT TURNS YOU INTO A GRAPE?"

Oojipleg turned pale. "I...WHAT. HOW CAN WE FIX THIS."

Ghmarflig said, "We must go on a journey. A journey to the Pineapple Kingdom"

Bridegog looked at Oojipleg sternly, "and don't try to seduce anyone over there, too!"

Oojipleg muttered bitterly under his breath, "I didn't do it on purpose."

He exited the room to prepare for his next adventure.

---

End of book one