Ch 18

The planning is done, the bikes are ready, and all our glutes have been worked to the point where we can do rides of a few hours without too much complaining. Today we have the field trip to the grocery store for supplies and tomorrow is our trip. It's a Sunday, so only a few of us get to go to the store, but since I'm around and have nothing better to do, I'm going. So is Tom (he wants out of the group home), Jen, Carson, and Kent (I think he has a thing for Jen). Julia actually works at the store we are going to, so she's said she'll see if she can get us a bit of a discount.

We are doing a five day bike trip, coving just over two hundred and sixty kilometres, so careful planning of what we can carry is important. Also, unlike our winter trip, it's the beginning of April and warm enough out that we really can't bring anything perishable. We can stop on the way for more food, though, which is a good thing. Plus we're going to have a support vehicle with us, just in case, so that will be a help.

"Okay, here's the deal. Justin, take list A and go with Jen and Kent. Tom, take list B and go with Carson. You two have the bulk section, so be very careful with quantities," Ms. Francis explains.

Mr. Sway continues, "Be respectful of other shoppers and meet us back here in half an hour, but remember it's not a race."

"Oh really? We're going to take you, 95," Tom taunts, smirking at me.

I smile back, but don't respond. It's not like I'm going to race anyway. Kent, however isn't as easily dissuaded. "Oh you're on, Tom," he spits with fake fury, gripping the cart like his life depended on it, grin from ear to ear.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Mr. Sway says. And we're off.

Scanning our list, it's written row by row, so we should have an easy time finding everything. "Come on, 95. Let's get a move on," Kent presses.

"We aren't really racing, Dumbass," Jen rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

"Seriously? Like really?" He looks at me for confirmation and I nod. "Women always want to take the fun out of everything."

"Exactly, it's why we have a longer life expectancy."

"Is that true?" Kent whines.

"Yep, and married men live longer, too," Jen points out.

I nod my head and add, "Yeah, because the women keep them from doing stupid shit."

"What's going to happen to you then?" Kent says to me, and I freeze. What the hell?

"I don't know," I mutter. Well, this has turned to shit pretty quick.

"Are you a complete asshole?" Jen rails on Kent. "It's not like Justin does stupid shit anyway. He's probably the most level headed guy I know, so unless he gets beaten by some homophobic asswipe, he's going to live longer than you, anyway."

"I can't deal with this. Here's the list. Have at it," I toss the list in the cart and walk off. If I was a smoker I'd be outside lighting one up, but I'm not so I just sit on the curb outside the store and try to control my breathing. I don't want to have a panic attack right now. Not here.

Someday I'd like to have kids. If I could do the wife with the picket fence and 2 kids and dog, I would, but I can't. And it really hurts. I have to hope that someday I'll be in a committed relationship and we can somehow manage to convince someone to give us a child, if my partner even wants one. Someday I have to hope to live where my neighbours won't make derisive comments about who I choose to love. Someday I want to get married and love my husband until the end of our days, but today, like every other day of my life, being gay isn't what I'd choose. It's not a choice, it's how I am, and I'm not a joke or a punchline or an insult that idiots hurl at each other in the hall. I don't hate myself for who I'm attracted to, and I wish others would hate me for that either.

My brain is moving a mile a minute and I feel really ill, so I tuck my head between my knees to help control my dizziness. Something cool touches my shoulder, and when I look up, Kent is sitting next to me, trying to give me a bottle of water.

"I'm sorry, Justin. I didn't mean anything by it. I'm just a fucking moron. Hell, I'm the fucking drunk that smashed into the school, and that's just the shit they caught me for. By all rights I should probably be dead already," Kent tells me sadly. "You're going to find your Mister Right, if it isn't Tom, hell, I still ship you guys, and ride off into the sunset. Me, I'm just a moron in AA at seventeen. I'll always have this baggage to drag around and I probably won't amount to much. Heck, I blew it with Jen now, too, and everyone knows she's easy."

"Why the hell does everyone 'ship' me and Tom? Is it because we're the only gay guys you know?" I can't believe I just told him I'm gay, and I did it in such an offhand way. I think it's the first time I've ever said it to anyone just like that. Just like it's a fact, just like I'm not scared of admitting it to people.

"No, man, it's because you're totally cute together. He's all gruff and surly, and you're all quiet and shit. Hell, I don't care who you like, but as long as the two of you are around I have a better chance with Jen."

"Too bad we're not together, but thanks, I guess. I thought you were interested in Andi? I'll try to help you out with Jen, but why would you think she's easy?"

"Andi's a freakin' cheerleader, there's no chance there. Jen on the other hand, she's really nice and she's the one that got suspended last year for fooling around in the guy's locker room, remember? And her older sister already has three kids."

"You know you shouldn't believe everything you hear. Does she seem like she's easy to you?"

"No," he admits.

"Then maybe she isn't. People say all sorts of cruel stuff and she shouldn't be paying for whatever her sister's done."

"See, this is why you're so smart, 95. I'm just an idiot."

"No, you just need to consider others before you say stuff. Why don't we both go back and try to smooth things over with Jen. I'm sure by now she's pissed at both of us."

.....................................................

The trip improves after Kent apologizes to Jen. I also explain that Kent's not a homophobe, just insensitive, so she's willing to give him a pass this time. We manage to get the remaining groceries in the allotted time, and the rest of the trip goes well.

As we are getting ready to leave, I notice that Tom's unzipped his hoodie and underneath he has my shirt on. He looks so good wearing my clothes and I can't help but think that at least something of mine is close to him. Although now he has my shirt and a hat, too.

I must be staring, though, because the next thing I know, Tom elbows me, "See something you like?"

I fumble around for an answer. I hate the fact he caught me looking, it's embarrassing. "Uh, there's a sale on, uh, gum." I reach for a pack that's right behind him.

"Let me get that," Tom grabs the pack from my hand and tosses on the conveyor belt. "I owe you for the shirt, anyway. It's my new favourite" He grins at me and I can't even think to respond, my mind is so messed up right now.