Ch. 22

My mom is on the couch when I get home. There's a blanket around her and her face is drawn and pale without a stitch of make-up, although she's not old by any means, she's looking more than her mid-thirties age. She has a sleeve of crackers and some ginger ale next to her, so I guess she's trying to calm her stomach.

"Hi Justin, how was the sale?"

"Great, actually. We've made a lot of money." I give her a sympathetic smile and ask the obvious question, "How are you feeling?"

She hems and haws a little before gesturing for me to sit down next to her, making me extremely nervous. Her cheeks are a bit more hollowed and her cracked lips part, "We need to talk."

Nothing good ever comes from those words. Not in our house. Usually it's followed by 'so and so left us with a bill,' or 'broke the tv,' or 'sold the car for drugs.' Nothing. Good.

I swallowed hard, since we do, in fact, have to talk. "Yeah, Mom, we do. But first I have something you need to read." I reach into my pocket and pull out the folded up essay on bravery and pass it over. I've been carrying it for awhile, ironically, waiting to feel brave enough to give it to her. "Here."

She unfolds it with a confused look on her face and I can see her lips move as she reads it silently, her eyes opening wider when she gets to one part and tears at another. Finally, after it seems like hours, she puts the paper on her lap and really starts to cry.

This wasn't quite the reaction I was expecting. "Mom?" I reach out and touch her arm, expecting her to pull away or something, but I really have no clue what to do.

"I'm pregnant," she says between sobs. Totally not what I was expecting, but at least I can't catch what she has, I suppose.

"Oh." How exactly do I react to this? I've prayed time and time again that none of her other boyfriends knock her up. And now it's kind of...I don't fucking have a clue what to say.

She reaches an arm around me and pulls me into a sort of sodden embrace. "And is this Tom person your boyfriend?"

I take a deep breath, "No, but I want him to be." I try not to flinch as she considers what she's going to say next. So far there's been no fire and brimstone at least.

She breaks into a rueful smile, "As long as he treats you right. God knows there's enough shitty guys out there. Hopefully you'll have better taste in men than me."

"Do you mean...I mean, uh, is Paul okay with you being pregnant?" God, I hope so. I really do, because I don't know what I'm expected to do. It's not like I can go punch him for knocking up my mom, he'd kill me in a fight. Besides, it's not like my mom's honour is at stake.

"He doesn't know yet. I thought I should tell you first since you're the most important man in my life and the only one who has never treated me like dirt." My mom has never said anything like that before, and I'm rendered speechless. I mean I always thought that I kind of screwed up her life. "Did you really mean what you wrote in here?" she asks, lifting the paper off her lap.

"Of course." I feel so exposed and awkward that all I can do is chew on my finger nail. My stomach is flipping uncontrollably and I just want to bury myself in my room. Time seems to move in fractions of increments while my mom considers what she's going to say next.

"I love you, Justin, and I always will, no matter what. I don't care who you love, as long as they treat you right." She gives me a big teary smile and I feel so much better. I guess I had built up the worst case scenario in my head so much I never really thought about what would happen if it went well.

"I love you too, Mom. I'm sorry if I'm a disappointment or anything."

"Disappointment? Are you kidding?" she snorts. "You're an amazing student and are fighting to get ahead. I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel bad about it." She stops for a second as a wave of nausea hits her. "This pregnancy is making me realize all the ways I failed you and I'm going to be better. I have to be better this time around."

"You did great with what you had. You protected my from my dad when you needed to, and I've always been taken care of. That's something you should be proud of." I really don't want her to beat herself down. She's faced a lot since having me and it wasn't easy on her. Granted sometimes she could have had better selectivity when it came to the guys she dated, but Paul seems pretty decent.

"At least you won't be a teenaged parent. When you become a dad, it will be when you're ready and you really want to have a child. Not an accident—although you were the best accident that I've ever had."

"God Mom, I don't even know if I want to have kids. Let me have a relationship first, heck, let me see how I do as a big brother first." I nudge her knee playfully.

"You'll be an awesome big brother. I know it. Heck you're about the same age I was when I had you." Wow. That's a sobering thought.

So is this..."When are you going to tell Paul? I mean he can't keep thinking you're sick."

"Tonight. He's supposed to be coming for dinner in about an hour," she admits to me. "I'm not sure what I'm going to do."

"Just tell him. It's got to be better than not knowing. I'm sure he'll be excited." I hope he'll be excited, otherwise my mom will be completely crushed.

"Thanks, Honey." She pats my leg and I get up to go have a shower. All day outside and I'm pretty sure I smell.

After de-stinkifying myself, I debate if I should call Tom and tell him about my mom or wait to tell him in person. As usual, I'm completely overthinking everything. I want to tell him about telling my mom, but at the same time, I'm just really nervous. It's stupid, really. I mean everyone in my class basically assumes we're together, my teachers know I'm gay, my mom knows, so what is stopping me from calling Tom?

I look up the number for the group home in the phone book (yes, we still have one, no internet, remember), write it down, and head for the phone in the hall, but before I can get there, Paul's booming voice fills the room.

"Hi Justin!"

I give him a weak smile, "Hey, Paul. How's it going?"

"Now is that any way to address your dad-to-be? And the father of your new sibling?" He starts out looking stern, but it's all for show and a huge grin breaks across his face.

Holy shit. My mom told him and he's good with it. Thank god.

"Cangrats, man!" I reach over to shake his hand, and he pulls me into a hug.

"I'm so excited, I can't even tell you! I know we were planning on a wedding at the end of the summer, but I think we should move it up. Make sure your mom still looks great in the photos." I peek over his shoulder at my mom, still lounging on the couch and she looks so completely relieved.

"If I keep being so sick, I'll be non-existent in the photos," she jokes.

He lets me go and turns towards her, looking worried. "When's your doctor appointment? We should make sure everything's okay."

The rest of the evening was spent with me listening while Mom and Paul discussed wedding and baby plans as we ate dinner. Well, Paul and I ate mostly, Chinese Take-out, my mom had some broth and noodles. As much as I wanted to call Tom, I figured that maybe telling him in person would be better because I still wasn't sure what his reaction would be.

I went to give mom and Paul more privacy and headed back to my room, but my mom called behind me, "I'll expect this Tom guy to be invited to the wedding, Justin."

My face reddened and I could hear my mom explaining to Paul who she was talking about as I shut my door.