Who thought I will ever need to say goodbye to someone... Definitely not me, especially to the person who is most closest to my heart.

My grandmother, as of this minute (while I am typing this I mean) isn't gone yet, she is still with me... Closer than ever.

Why am I typing this now you might ask, it's because I know I won't have the strength to do it later.

I remember when I was young I wished that I either die before her, or at the same moment so I don't feel the pain... Because I know by then I will be completely destroyed.

I want to tell you a little bit about her, her name is Loreta... To me that's the most beautiful name in the world. And she is the most strongest woman I know, she was able to raise 5 beautiful children... Who then was able to give her 5 awesome grandchildren (one who is I) and three more grandchildren on the way.

She was there to raise me when I was a child, and to me she is my second mother. She was there to feed me, and bathe me when my mother couldn't.

She was also the one who would put me to sleep, and to do that she would tap my leg in a constant rhythm Tap, Tap, Tap... Tap, Tap, Tap... And so on, she would also sing me a lullaby that she would come up with on the spot, usually it would include my name, my siblings, and my cousins... And right of this moment I just wish she could sing me to sleep one more time.

It brakes my heart that she couldn't watch me graduate high school, as I am the eldest grandchild... She was devastated when she called us to tell us she couldn't make it to the graduation. That's why when she finally came, I wanted to surprise her buy wearing the gown so we could take pictures, but before I had the chance, she became worst...

When she is in Philippines we would call her at least once a month... And ALL the time we would always end the call with her telling me

"I love you... Always pray to god okay?' ("yes nannay" I would say)

"And no boyfriend boyfriend okay?" (which I would laugh and say "of course nannay")

Then we will begin saying our actual goodbyes, which would start with me saying

"I love you nannay" ("I love you too")

"Take care nannay" ("Yes nakung -my child-, you also)

"God bless nannay" ("God bless")

"I miss you, I love you!" ("I miss you too!")

"Ok ok, here is -my brothers name/mommy-... I love you!!!!!" ("Yes nakung, I love you too")

And what would I kill to have this conversation one. last. time...

*****

She passed away peacefully at 4 A.M. on June 21, 2017.

May god be with her, and may she rest in peace.