"And that brings me here . . . I guess that also brings you here, in this house." I smiled at Braylee's friend who was already almost sobbing across from me. 

I heaved a loud sigh and tried to smile brightly, the way I knew Blueberry would.

Even if it hurts like hell, for Blueberry, I tried my best to keep my head up.

"S-Seryoso ka ba talaga sa kuwentong 'yon o audiobook mo lang 'yon?" Halos humangos siya sa pagitan ng kanyang bawat salita. Medyo tisoy siya kaya naman pulang-pula na ang mukha niya sa kaiiyak. He was also tall and pretty toned up, but at that very moment, he was nothing but a slave of his own emotions.

I nodded and wiped the tears falling down my cheeks. "Truth is, I'm still wishing for all of this to be some messed up nightmare. I want to wake up and find out that Blueberry is just out there, living his life to the fullest. B-but every time I wake up, I keep realizing that I'll n-never—"

Hindi ko na naipagpatuloy ang mga sinasabi ko dahil sa biglang paglabas ng hikbi mula sa bibig ko. Pilit akong ngumiti at lumunok, pero nagpatuloy ang mga hikbi ko, hanggang sa tuluyan akong napahagulgol. "I'll never see Blueberry again . . . G-God, I'll never see Blueberry again."

Tarantang lumapit sa akin ang lalake at marahan niyang tinapik-tapik ang balikat ko. "Teka, dahan-dahan lang, b-baka ikaw naman ang mag-hyperventilate dito."

Ever since Blueberry's parents returned with his remains, I held my emotions in, knowing Blueberry's family and closest friends had it worse. After all, they knew Blueberry longer than I did. 

I felt bad for the guy right next to me. I kept my emotions bottled up for days, and now here I am, venting my emotions on him. A complete stranger.

"Alam mo bang drawing lang 'tong kilay ko ngayon? Tingnan mo, o? Natalo ako sa pustahan kaya inahit nila lahat," sabi bigla ng lalake sabay kuskos sa kaliwa niyang kilay. Sa tono ng pananalita niya, para pa siyang nagmamalaki.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Humahagulgol kong bulalas.

Agad siyang napakurapkurap, parang nagulat pa. "I-I'm just trying to cheer you up!"

"The love of my life is dead and you want me to cheer up?!" Lalo akong napahagulgol.

"S-Sorry!" Napabaling siya sa kung saan-saan, para bang naghahanap ng solusyon. "P-Pucha hindi ko alam magpatahan ng tao, sorry . . . Paano ba 'to?"

All of a sudden, there was a loud thud and the door behind us opened. Pareho kaming napalingon ng lalake at nagulat nang makita si Janus at ang kaibigan ng lalakeng nagngangalang Reika. 

"Tree, na-lock ba kayo rito?" bulalas ni Janus, gulat pero mukhang natatawa pa. "Akala namin napasarap lang ang tulog mo. Buti na lang nakita ko 'tong si Reika na naghahanap sa kaibigan niya."

Napakurap-kurap naman si Reika at bigla kaming tinuro. Pansin kong may ngiti siyang pilit na sinusupil. Para bang gustong mang-asar. "Eric Thomasson, ano 'yan ha?"

Napatingin ako sa lalakeng nasa tabi ko at agad akong napatayo nang mapagtantong nakaakbay pala siya sa akin at sobrang lapit namin sa isa't isa. No wonder nang-aasar ang kaibigan niya.

"What did I miss?" tanong ko na lamang kay Janus.

"May mga batang nagsapakan dahil sa basketball machine kanina, pero naawat na ni Jasper. May nag-iwan na naman ng diaper sa kuwarto ni Bryan. May kapitbahay din na nagrereklamo sa ingay ng mga machine. At kakakita ko lang kay Carri na todo panic kasi code black daw—"

"Shit!" I cursed out loud after hearing the last two words Janus had said. Nataranta ako at agad nagtatakbo palabas ng basement. 

"Teka, ano bang ibig sabihin ng code black?!" pahabol na sigaw sa akin ni Janus, pero masyado akong nagmamadali para sumagot.

Mula sa basement entrance na nasa likurang bahagi ng bahay, kumaripas ako ng takbo patungo sa front garden. Dahil gumagabi na, napaandar na ang mga fairy lights sa paligid at nagniningning na rin ang neon lights ng mga arcade machine at equipment.

Kung titingnan ang mga taong naglalaro sa kung ano-anong machine at nagkukuwentuhan sa paligid habang may mga dalang pagkain at inumin, hindi mo aakalaing isa itong lamay. According to Blueberry's parents, this was what Blueberry exactly wished for before he passed, so we did our best to make it happen. I just hope we reached his expectations and he's watching all of this with a smile.

"OMG, Tree! Nandiyan ka lang pala!" Mangiyak-ngiyak na lumapit sa akin si Carri habang humahangos. "I tried to stop her but she was begging for a few minutes. Hindi ba talaga makakaya ni Braylee—"

"Braylee doesn't want to see her anymore. Where did she go?" tanong ko, alalang-alala.

"Pumasok siya sa bahay, personal daw siyang magso-sorry," sabi naman ni Carri, may bahid ng pag-aalangan sa mukha. "Tree, she looked pretty sincere naman. Hayaan na lang kaya—"

"Blueberry's parents? Braylee? Where are they?" taranta kong tanong. 

"I think Braylee's upstairs with her friends. Si Tito at Jasper, sinundo 'yong mag-le-lead ng vigil. Si Tita naman, kinakausap 'yong mga kapitbahay na nagrereklamo sa ingay. Sasama sana ako kay Tita kaso 'yong code black nga." Napakamot si Carri sa kanyang ulo. "Tree, habol na ako don kay Tita, ha? Subok na ako sa CS kaya baka ma-sweet talk ko ang mga 'yon."

Tumango-tango naman ako kaagad. "Thanks, Carr! You're the best!"

Carri and I went separate ways. Dumiretso siya palabas ng gate, samantalang ako naman ay dumiretso papasok ng bahay. 

Pagdating sa sala, natigilan kaagad ako nang makita ang isang matangkad na babaeng nakatayo sa harapan ng portrait ni Bryan na nasa tabi lang ng ataul. Wearing a black dress, she was just standing there with her head down.

In the portrait, Blueberry was smiling brightly while wearing his basketball jersey. Meanwhile, the girl standing right in front of it exuded what felt like an indescribable amount of heavy, dark clouds.

"Hey." She looked skinnier and tanner than the last time I saw her, so I walked toward her and grabbed her attention just to be sure. 

The girl looked up, eyes a bit red and watery. Two years have passed and some of her features matured a bit, but Marika Ronelio looked as gorgeous as ever.

"A-Ate Tree," she said, almost unable to make eye contact.

I swallowed hard and held her arm, dragging her to the dirty kitchen, away from everyone's sight. 

We passed by the dining room and as soon as we entered the dirty kitchen, I quickly let go of her and closed the door shut. I noticed her flinch a bit, so I suddenly felt bad about dragging her and worried that I held her arm too tight. But even if I wanted to apologize, we didn't have enough time.

"Anong ginagawa mo rito? Nakita ka ba ni Braylee?" My voice came out cold and alarmed.

"A-Ate, totoo bang matagal nang may sakit ang kuya ni Braylee?" Marika sounded broken and hesitant, but I was too focused on Braylee's well-being to figure out her real intentions. "M-May nagsabi na noong high school pa lang daw kami ay may—"

"Nakita ka ba ni Braylee?" pag-uulit ko, may pagdidiin at pagmamadali.

Nagbaba siya ng tingin at umiling-iling. Mukha siyang isang maamong tupa, malayong-malayo sa dating Marika na kilala ko. "I j-just really want to see her and apologize for everything—"

"Look, I don't have time to figure out whether you're really sorry or putting on a show, but if you're really sorry, please just go home." I tried to speak as gently and calmly as I could, but I felt like I ended up sounding cold and annoyed. "Braylee will only get upset if she sees you. She's going through the darkest period of her life and if she sees you again, she'll only remember everything you put her through. Do you understand that?"

She nodded a bit and kept her head down. I couldn't help but notice her hands, the way they trembled and how her left forefinger kept picking on the outer skin of her thumb. "S-Sige ate, uuwi na ako. P-Pasensiya na talaga."

Before I could say anything, she turned around and went out of the door leading to the kitchen.

Napahawak ako sa magkabilang bewang ko at saglit na bumuntonghininga. Susundan ko sana si Marika upang masigurong aalis na talaga siya, pero bigla kong napansin na para bang may nakatayo sa dulo ng dirty kitchen kung saan naroroon ang mahabang lababo at ibang appliances.

Napalingon ako at laking gulat nang makita ang kaibigan ni Braylee na tahimik lang palang nakatayo sa isang tabi habang hawak ang isang bowl ng fruit salad at kutsara. Hindi siya gumagalaw habang nakatingin sa kisame. For a really handsome guy, he sure is a bit weird. And he sure loves the fruit salad dahil halos araw-araw, siya ang nakakaubos nito. 

"Akala mo ba hindi kita makikita diyan kung hindi ka gagalaw?!" Hindi ko napigilang ngumiwi.

Agad siyang umayos ng tayo at umiling-iling. Parang nasindak yata sa akin. Kulang na lang sumaludo siya at mag 'yes ma'am.'

"Did you hear everything we talked about?" tanong ko at tumango naman siya kaagad.

Sandali akong napapikit at bumuntonghininga na lamang. Pagdilat, pilit kong pinahinahon ang mukha't pananalita ko. "You're Willy, right? One of Braylee's best friends?"

"Warren." He grinned and raised a peace sign, dimples in full show. 

"Since you heard everything, can you just please do me this really small favor?" pakiusap ko at at tinuro ang direksiyon ni Marika. "Make sure that girl leaves, okay? Hindi siya puwedeng makita ni Braylee at hindi dapat malaman ni Braylee na nandito siya. And please let's just keep this our little secret, okay?"

"Copy copy." He raised an okay sign and nodded like a little obedient soldier. Ibinaba niya ang bowl na hawak at akmang aalis na, pero nakuha niya pa talagang sumubo sa huling pagkakataon. "Itago mo 'to ha? Baka may umubos—"

"Oh my God just hurry up!" Hindi ko na napigilang sumigaw, dahilan para agad na siyang magtatakbo palabas.

Nang maiwang mag-isa, napabuntonghininga na lamang ako at lumabas na rin ng pinto. Kaso, pagkadating na pagkadating ko pa lang sa kusina, sumalubong kaagad sa akin ang isa sa mga pinsan ni Blueberry. "Ate Tree, naipit ang ulo ng bata sa railings ng hagdan!"

"Ano?!" bulalas ko sa sobrang gulat at agad na napatakbo.

Bago pa man makarating sa sala kung saan naroroon ang hagdan, nakasalubong ko ang isang matandang babae mula sa common bathroom. "Ineng, pundido na ang ilaw. Puwede bang papalitan? Ihing-ihi na ako pero baka madapa naman ako."

Wala sa sarili akong napangiwi. Hindi ko alam kung may spare bumbilya ba sila o kung saan pa ako puwedeng makabili. 

"M-Ma'am, may cell phone ho ba kayo? Baka po may flashlight 'yon—"

"Naku, Hija. Pobreng matanda lang ako at wala akong alam sa ganyan." Nahihiya itong ngumiti at malambing na napahawak sa braso ko. "Bumbilya na lang hija, ha?"

Nag-aalangan man dahil hindi alam anong gagawin, tumango na lamang ako at ngumiti. "S-Sandali lang Ma'am, ha? Hahanap lang ako."

Iniwan ko ang matanda at nagtatakbo ulit, pilit na inalala kung nasaan ang cell phone ko para ang flashlight na lang nito ang ipapagamit sa kanya. Bago ko pa man maalala nasaan ang bag ko, nadaanan ko ang isang batang umiiyak habang nakaipit ang ulo sa pagitan ng railings ng hagdan. 

"Ate, Tree!" Tawag sa akin ng pinsan ni Blueberry na kaninang tumawag sa akin at agad na tinuro ang bata. "Baka hindi na siya makahinga!"

Dali-dali akong umakyat sa parte ng hagdan kung saan nakaluhod ang bata. Pulang-pula na nga ito sa kaiiyak at nakaihi pa sa kanyang salawal.

"Shhh, kalma ka lang, kalma ka lang," pang-aalo ko sa bata. Lumuhod ako nang patagilid sa hagdan at hinawakan ang dalawang vertical na bakal na nagkukulong sa ulo niya. "Huwag kang malikot, ha? Kalma ka lang kung ayaw mong ma-stuck dito forever," pabiro ko pang dagdag upang kumalma ang bata, pero dahil sa sinabi ko, lalo lamang itong nagwala.

Nataranta ako at pilit na hinila-hila ang mga bakal upang magkaroon ng sapat na espasyo nang makaalis ang ulo ng bata, kaso napakatigas talaga ng mga ito. Lalo pa akong nahirapan dahil nagsisipa na ang bata.

"Hey, it's okay. These guys will take care of it." Nagulat ako nang biglang sumulpot sa tabi ko si Reika at marahan niya akong hinila sa isang tabi. Lumapit naman kaagad sa bata ang mga kasama niyang lalake—a handsome middle-eastern guy, a guy with an injured arm, and a guy with an injured leg. Hindi ko man memoryado ang mga pangalan nila, pamilyar na ako sa kanila. 

"Hindi halata pero that guy on the left will be a doctor someday. 'Yan namang mga injured, maparaan yan sa buhay. That kid will be fine," she assured me with a grin.

True to her words, the three guys moved like a well-oiled machine and started smooth-talking the kid to calm down.

"Reika nga pala ako, just in case you forgot." Bigla akong inakbayan ni Reika at marahang giniya pababa ng hagdan at papalabas ng pinto. "By the way, best friend ko pala 'yong kasama mo kanina sa basement. He's Eric Thomasson but we all call him Sawyer. Alam mo, very athletic 'yon. Soccer player pero nakuha talagang lumipat sa basketball—"

"Wait up." Kunot-noo akong napahinto sa paglalakad at agad na napaharap sa kanya. "Are you seriously trying to set me up with your best friend? Literal na nasa lamay tayo ng ex-boyfriend ko."

"Too inappropriate?" Her smiled turned into an awkward and shy one as she slowly lifted her arm up and took a step back away from me. "S-Sorry . . . I heard you guys broke up years ago, and I just thought you and my boy looked cute together, and you know, you're both single and lonely."

I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Look, I appreciate the concern and I'm sure your best friend is a great guy, but . . . "

Napalingon ako sa direksiyon ng portrait ni Blueberry at ganoon din si Reika. For a moment or two, all we did was look at Blueberry's warm smile.

" . . . It's hard to get over your one great love," Reika spoke the thoughts I've kept in my heart for years. 

I smiled and patted Reika's shoulder lightly. "I hope your buddy meets the right girl for her someday."

Before she could say anything else, I spotted my bag on the couch. 

"Mauna na ako. Baka maihi na si nanay," pabiro ko na lamang na paalam at dali-daling kinuha ang cell phone mula sa bag ko.

"I hope you'll meet the right one for you someday too," I heard Reika say.

I turned to look at her. We both smiled at each other.

***

Alas-nuebe na nang magkaroon ako ng pagkakataong makapagpahinga. Pinili kong manatili sa kuwarto ni Blueberry tutal dito ako higit na komportable. I'm surrounded by everything that reminds me of him and I couldn't be more at ease.

Everyone around me keeps telling me that I'm only making things hard for myself by clinging on to Blueberry's memories. Truth is, these days, our precious memories are the very things that are keeping me from falling apart completely.

"Tree, nandito ka raw?" Sa isang iglap, narinig kong may tumawag sa akin at kasabay nito ang marahang pagkatok sa pinto.

Hindi ko man nakikilala ang boses, tumayo ako at binuksan ang pinto ng silid ni Blueberry.

"Hey?" Nakunot ang noo ko nang makita ang lalakeng kasama kong nakulong sa basement. Sa dami ng pangalang pinagsasabi ni Reika, hindi ko na tuloy maalala kung ano nga ba ang pangalan niya.

"Hey, n-nakakaabala ba ako?" he asked hesitantly as he looked around the room.

Umiling ako at nilakihan ang pagkakabukas ng pinto. "No, I'm just here resting a bit. This is Blueberry's room by the way. Come in."

Ngumiti siya nang tipid at nang humakbang papasok ng silid, pansin kong may hawak siya at bahagya niya itong tinatago sa kanyang likuran.

"Ano nga ulit ang pangalan mo?" pasimple kong tanong. "Parang ang haba kasi no'n, nalilito ako."

"Just call me Sawyer. Everyone calls me that." His eyes wandered around the room until it landed on the posters on Blueberry's wall.

"Kobe Bryant." He smiled, pointing it out.

I chuckled and looked at the posters too. "Blueberry was a big basketball fan. His namesake was his favorite."

"Relatable." He nodded and jokingly shrugged. He then faced me, hand still hidden behind him.

"Everything okay?" tanong ko na lamang. "What do you have there?"

He smiled, nodding again. "Bumalik ako sa basement para kumuha ng maiinom kasama ang mga kaibigan ko . . . tapos nakita ko 'to doon sa likurang bahagi ng shelf. Nakalagay pa sa isang transparent box, halatang ayaw niyang madumihan."

Ipinakita niya sa akin ang isang kulay blue na bunny stuffed toy, bagay na lubos kong ikinagulat. Awtomatikong namuo ang luha sa mga mata ko.

"He won against the claw machine after all . . . " Napatakip ako sa bibig ko kasabay ng tuluyan kong pag-iyak. "He got the toy and never even told me."

Ngumiti nang tipid ang lalake at marahang inabot sa akin ang stuffed toy na nakalagay pa sa transparent box. "Sa tingin ko gusto niya 'tong ibigay sa 'yo. Imposible naman gusto niya lang 'tong manatili doon, 'di ba?"

I nodded and accepted the box, holding it close to my chest. My tears won't stop from falling, but I couldn't help but smile as well. "M-Months after Blueberry left, Papa and I were looking at our photo albums . . . and then I saw one of my childhood photos where I was hugging a blue stuffed bunny. It almost looks like this."

"So that's why he wanted to get it for you," he said when he realized. "May kapareho ka palang ganyang stuffed toy noon?"

I nodded, trying to wipe my tears even if they just kept on falling. "Mama told me I used to have a blue bunny stuffed toy that I loved so much back when I was a kid, but honestly, I can't even remember having a toy like that. Nang mawala sa akin, nakalimuran ko na agad. Mama must've told Blueberry about it when he was at our house, looking through our albums."

"Siya nga pala, parang nabanggit mo kanina na may voice recorder 'yong mga laruan sa claw machine? Hindi kaya may iniwan din siyang mensahe para sa 'yo?" pahayag niya pa, bagay na nagpalaki sa mga mata ko.

Dali-dali kong tinanggal ang stuffed toy mula sa kahon at tuluyan akong napahikbi nang maramdaman ang labis na lambot nito sa nanginginig kong mga kamay.

I looked up at Sawyer. I don't care anymore if he sees me crying my eyes out. "H-Hey, can I ask for a favor?"

May kalituhan man sa mukha, walang pagdadalawang-isip siyang tumango. "Sure."

Napapikit ako nang mariin at huminga nang malalim. Pagdilat, pinilit kong ngumiti kahit lumuluha. "Truth be told, I'm terrified of what I'm going to hear. I don't think I can listen to this on my own, but I don't think I can listen to this with the people who loves him—"

"It's okay. I have friends who are more comfortable confiding to strangers," he said reassuringly before I could even finish.

"Thank you." Muli akong napahikbi at napasapo na lamang sa noo ko.

Sawyer and I sat on Blueberry's bed. As silence wrapped the entire room, I took a deep breath and stared at the stuffed blue bunny on my hand.

"It's okay," he said, trying to comfort me.

I swallowed hard and took another deep breath. I then closed my eyes shut and pressed the toy.

It felt like time stood still as soon as I heard Blueberry's voice fill the air. 

"Tree, if you're listening to this, we probably won't be able to see each other anymore. And it's okay. All I ask is for you to live your life and move forward. Promise me that i'll be a blue bunny?"

Tuluyan akong napahagulgol dahil sa narinig. Iyak lang ako nang iyak hanggang sa naramdaman ko ang marahang pagtapik ni Sawyer sa ibabaw ng ulo ko. 

I hugged the blue bunny that I was holding. The almost exact-same blue bunny I used to love so much and ended up forgetting completely. 

***

The weather was warm and sunny. Everyone who ever loved Blueberry gathered at his favorite garden-themed restaurant to pay tribute to the life he lived and the beautiful person that he was. Even strangers were there to witness it. That was how special he was.

Friends and family, each took turns standing right in front of everyone to talk about Blueberry. 

And when it was my turn to walk up the little stage, I took a deep breath and glanced at his portrait . . . right next to his ashes.

As I stood right in front of everyone, I heard someone clap. I smiled, realizing it was Sawyer. Tears formed up my eyes when the people around me followed his lead and started clapping as well, cheering me on.

I turned to look at Blueberry's photo once again, this time a little braver. "His name is Bryan Leandro Emanuel, and I call him Blueberry. He's a great basketball player. He's Braylee's handsome older brother, the first-born of the Emanuels. He's also the adopted twin brother of Janus and Jasper. Blueberry is a brave guy with a big, soft heart. Someday, he'll be my blue bunny. However, before that time comes, he'll remain as the love of my life."

While I'm still unable to stand up and carry on, l'll hold on to him and our memories.

And when the day comes that I am ready, I will let go of him like I promised.

thank you for reading!