"I'm sorry . . . "

"I felt sorry for him too . . . but remembering our past conversations and the way he laid out those rules, I realized that Blueberry didn't want that."

"He didn't want people to feel sorry for him?"

"Exactly . . . And I couldn't blame him for that, because honestly, if I were in his situation, I would feel the same way too."

"Paano 'yon? Kunwari na lang na wala kang narinig? Kinaya mo 'yon?"

✦ ✦ ✦

Hawak ang backpack at sapatos ko, lumabas ako nang kuwarto at dahan-dahan itong sinara. Maingat akong bumaba ng hagdan habang background noise ang mga tumitilaok na manok ng kapitbahay.

Nang tuluyang makababa sa sala, muntik akong mapamura nang malakas nang matanaw si Mama na nakatayo sa kusina, nakapamewang habang ang isang kamay ay may hawak na sandok.

"Sabado ngayon? May lakad ka?" pambungad niya kaagad.

Gusto ko sanang magmaang-maangan kaso wala na akong lusot lalo't bukod sa mga gamit na dala ko, naka-pantalon at pink sweatshirt pa ako. Halatang-halatang may pupuntahan.

"May practice kami, Ma. Nakakatamad pumunta pero kung hindi ako pupunta, baka kung ano pang masabi ng mga kagrupo ko. Babalik naman po ako kaagad. No need na rin ng baon kasi may—"

"Magpa-part time ka na naman?" Mama let out a heavy sigh. 

Kahit naiinis na nang kaunti, tumawa na lamang ako. "Mama naman . . . practice nga 'di ba?"

"Katrielle, hindi ako nagpapakahirap magtrabaho para lang maging working student ka. Mag-focus ka lang sa pag-aaral mo, hindi 'yong marami kang iniisip. Ako ang nanay, ako ang dapat mamroblema," wika ni Mama, may pataas-taas pa ng boses at kilay. Sa daming beses ko na 'tong narinig sa kanya, puwedeng-puwede ko na siyang sabayan—kaso mahal ko pa ang buhay ko kaya huwag na lang.

"Don't worry, Ma. Practice lang talaga." I smiled like some innocent little child. "Ang role ko ay rebeldeng anak na mahilig magparty-party with ballpen cigarettes and all. Hopefully, hindi malakas manampal ang kaklase kong gaganap na nanay ko."

"Neknek mo, Katrielle." Mama rolled her eyes, and I could only laugh. "Nga pala, nakita mo ba ang relo ng papa mo? Nasa drawer lang 'yon, e. Hindi ko alam saan—"

"Ah, yon?" Napakamot ako sa ulo ko. Sandali akong nag-isip kung sasabihin ko ba o hindi, pero sa huli, naisip kong wala namang masama sa ginawa ko kaya umamin na ako. "I got curious kaya pinatingnan ko sa pawnshop. May 1k pa palang value 'yon kaya sinangla ko na."

Sa isang iglap, bigla na lamang nanlaki ang mga mata ni Mama. "Anong sinangla mo?! Katrielle, wag ka ngang magbiro nang ganyan!"

Natawa ako sa naging reaksiyon ni Mama. "Mukha mo, Ma."

"Katrielle, huwag kang magbiro nang ganyan! Sa papa mo 'yon!" Mama suddenly started stomping and scratching her head.

Seeing Mama react angrily over my deadbeat father's belonging was enough to wipe the smile off my face.

I wanted to remind her that the man she married had left our lives a long time ago, but I was too fed up of having the same argument. In the end, she will only end up crying and I'll be the one apologizing for speaking the hard truth.

It's been ten years since my father left without saying goodbye. I can't understand why my mother still chooses to hold on to him like this. At first it made me furious, but now I just feel sorry for her.

***

"Tree!"

Narinig ko ang boses ni Blueberry na tumawag sa akin pero nagpatuloy lang ako sa paglamon ng mami, walang pakialam kahit mabulunan pa ako. Hindi ako nakuntento at diretso nang humigop ng sabaw mula sa bowl.

Mula sa gilid ng mga mata ko, napansin kong naupo si Blueberry sa upuang nasa tapat ko. Ibinagsak niya pa sa mesa ang dala niyang tumbler.

"Dahan-dahan sa paghigop, baka malunod ka," biro niya, patawa-tawa pa.

Hindi ko siya pinansin at nagpatuloy lamang sa paghigop ng sabaw. Lunok lang ako nang lunok, pigil ang hininga. Nang tuluyan ko itong maubos, saka ko lang binagsak ang bowl.

"5 minutes . . . Just give me 5 minutes." I closed my eyes tightly and hung my head low. "Doon ka muna sa ibang table, please lang."

My lips trembled as I tried to swallow my own sobbing. 

"T-Teka, umiiyak ka ba? A-Anong nangyari?" He was still laughing, but he sounded confused and panicked. "Gamitin mo muna 'to, o?"

My curiosity defeated my own pride. Dumilat ako at nakita kaagad ang kamay niyang may hawak na kulay asul na panyo. May disenyo pa itong maliliit na mga bituwing kulay dilaw. 

"Tatanggapin mo o ako mismo pupunas diyan sa luha mo? Sige ka . . . " natatawa niyang banta kaya naman wala sa sariling dumako ang mga mata ko sa kanyang mukha.

While looking at his pale face and gentle smile, I finally realized the reason why he lost the sunshine in his eyes. And with that realization, I ended up shedding more tears.

Agad nanlaki ang mga mata ni Blueberry kasabay nang tuluyang paglaho ng kanyang ngiti. "Hala! Joke lang! Tree, binibiro lang kita!"

I lowered my head and just covered my face with my trembling palms, crying in silence.

Umiyak lang ako nang umiyak hanggang sa narinig kong tila ba may naupo sa bakanteng upuang nasa tabi ko.

"Let me just sit next to you so no one would bother you," I heard him say, almost whispering.

I was upset, but somehow, his words still rung true to me.

"Just cry it out . . . let all that fucking pain out," he said, and like a slave of his words, I cried even harder. 

My heart was in shreds, but somehow, I felt an unexplainable sense of relief.

***

"Okay ka na?" Blueberry asked, with his back hunched and his face tilted to my direction.

"You really can't respect other people's boundaries, huh?" I asked, shamelessly using his handkerchief to even wipe my snot. Bahala siya. He basically asked for it by not leaving me alone.

"You seem like the type of person who always had walls built up around her," he said, smiling weakly.

"And that is none of your business," I smiled back at him, but sarcastically.

He chuckled, shoulders moving up and down. With back still hunched, he shook his head and looked down on the floor. "It gets really lonely inside the walls. You need to come out every once in a while."

"Meddler." Umupo na lamang ako nang tuwid sabay hinga nang malalim. My voice was all nasally as I've been crying since I left the house.

"Dalawang jacket, isang panyo." Naupo na rin siya nang tuwid at napatingin sa akin, may matamis na ngiti sa kanyang labi. "Ang dami mo nang kailangang isauli sa akin, Tree."

I jokingly scoffed. "Kukunin mo pa pala 'yon? Sayang, ibebenta ko pa naman sana sa fangirls mo."

He laughed, shaking his head.

Blueberry's laugh was always adorable to watch, but after finding out his secret, it became hard for me to look at him without feeling bad. Umiwas na lamang ako nang tingin at napatitig sa walang laman ko nang bowl.

"Gusto mo pang kumain?" he asked with his typical gentle and warm tone.

Tumango ako.

"Teka, o-order ako." He stood up from his chair and walked to the counter like some gentle, obedient puppy.

Nilibot ko ang paningin sa paligid ng eatery at tumingin ako ulit kay Blueberry na nasa counter pa rin, nakita kong nakalingon na siya sa akin.

He smiled at me. It was just a smile, but somehow, it felt like he was telling me that everything's going to be alright.

I smiled back at him, hoping everything will be alright for him too.

***

"Bata 'yong pupuntahan, uy! Bakit tayo bibili ng sabon?!" bulalas ko.

Blueberry shrugged and threw the large pack of detergent powder into the cart I was pushing. "Malay mo kailangan pala nila."

Natawa na lamang ako at hinayaan siya sa gusto niya. Sa kabila nito, hindi ko pa rin mapigilang mag-alaala.

Blueberry's sick, and when you're sick, you need treatments. When you need treatments, you will need money. Lots of it. Kaya pa ba niyang gumastos? Should I offer a large discount? Should I just offer my services free?—kung ano-ano na ang mga naisip ko.

"Uy!"

Nagulat ako nang bigla na lamang hinawakan ni Blueberry ang cart na tinutulak ko. Huminto ako at mas nagulat nang makitang muntik ko palang mabangga ang isang shopper na may tulak-tulak ding cart.

"Pay attention!" sigaw ng shopper. The old woman looked like a walking pawnshop with all the golden jewelry she was wearing.

Kung hindi ko lang kasalanan, siguro pinatulan ko na siya. Sa huli tumango na lamang ako at tipid na tumango bilang dispensa.

Nang tuluyang makaalis ang matanda, bumuntonghininga na lamang ako.

"Ba't mo kailangang bayaran si Attention?" tanong bigla ni Blueberry habang nakangisi.

Ano daw? I unconsciously froze where I stood, trying  to understand if I heard him right.

When I finally understood what he meant, agad akong napangiwi. 

The grin on his face slowly turned into a cute little frown. He glared at me and started walking away. 

I couldn't help but laugh, especially when he continued walking away, still glaring at me like some upset little puppy.

"Watch out—" bulalas ko nang makitang mababangga na niya ang isang naglalakad na empleyado, pero huli na.

Hindi ko napigilang matawa nang tuluyan silang bumangga sa isa't isa. Blueberry and the employee quickly apologized to each other. And after the employee walked away, Blueberry turned to me again, still glaring and frowning.

"Bakit?" pagmamaang-maangan ko, nagpipigil ng tawa.

***

Alas dos na nang makarating kami sa isang orphanage. Hindi ko napigilang mamangha sa lawak nang buong area dahil tila ba isa lang itong malaking village. May iba't ibang mga bahay kung saan nakatira ang mga bata, at mayroon ding malawak na hardin, pond, playground, at pati na basketball court para sa kanila.

"Kuya!" 

Parang isang artistang pinagkaguluhan si Blueberry ng mga bata. Kanya-kanya sila ng talunan at kapit sa kanyang damit. May ilan pang halos sumakay na sa kanyang mga braso.

The nuns panicked and tried to calm the kids down, but all Blueberry did was laugh and assured her that everything's alright. As a matter of fact, nakuha pa niyang isampa sa balikat ang isa sa mga bata.

I was worried too, but I couldn't let it show. He had no idea I discovered his secret, and I wanted to keep it that way. Still, I stayed alert just in case he needed my help.

"Kuya Bryan!"

Pareho kaming napalingon ni Blueberry nang may tumawag sa pangalan niya. 

Nakita namin ang isang batang lalakeng nakatayo malapit sa isang pinto. Hindi gaya ng ibang mga bata, nakatayo lamang siya malapit sa pinto ng isa sa mga bahay, masayang kumakaway.

"Kaloy!" Blueberry yelled out happily, kaso dahil na rin sa dami ng mga batang nakapaligid sa kanya, hindi makalapit si Blueberry rito.

The kid smiled happily from ear to ear. If he had a tail, it was probably wagging like crazy already.

Blueberry already told me what he wanted—to say goodbye to a little boy named Kaloy. Pangalan lang ng bata ang alam ko, pero alam ko na kaagad kung gaano kahirap ng magiging paalam ni Blueberry sa kanya.

The kid was already abandoned once. To be abandoned again will surely be crushing.

Pansin kong parang may nakatingin sa akin kaya pasimple akong napatingin sa isa sa mga madre. Nagulat ako nang biglang nanlaki ang kanyang mga mata at agad na lumitaw ang malawak niyang ngiti.

"Katrielle?!" Turo niya sa akin, bakas ang matinding saya sa mukha.

I froze for a couple of seconds, trying to understand if I she was who I think she was. And when I was finally sure, I found myself smiling like a fool.

"Ate Tere?!" bulalas ko, hindi makapaniwala na ang dati kong babysitter ay madre na ngayon. Sorry na lang talaga dahil lumaking demonyo ang dati niyang inalagaan noon.

"Madre 'yan uy!" Natatawang paalala ni Blueberry na nakikinig pala sa usapan namin kahit pinagkakaguluhan pa siya ng mga bata.

"Sister pala! Sorry sorry!" bawi ko agad, hindi matanggal-tanggal ang ngiti sa mukha.

***

While Blueberry spent the entire day with the kids, I spent mine catching up with Sister Tere and helping out with the orphanage's chores.

Sa sobrang dami naming ginawa at pinagkuwentuhan, naging napakibilis ng oras. Namalayan ko na lang na alas singko na ng hapon.

"Sigurado kang aalis ka na? Dito ka na kayo maghapunan!" Sister Tere offered, but I could only shake my head and smile politely.

"Pasensya na po talaga. Baka po kasi mapagalitan ako kapag ginabi ako ulit. Alam mo naman po 'yon," pabiro ko na lamang na paliwanag.

Sister Tere smiled and nodded, patting my shoulder gently. "O siya sige, i-kumusta mo na lang ako sa mama at papa mo, a?"

I wanted to correct her and tell her that Papa never really returned, but I didn't want to spoil the mood. Tumango na lang ako at ngumiti.

Paglabas ng bahay, nakita kong papalubog na ang araw. Blueberry and I already agreed that we'd leave by sundown, but I still couldn't help but worry. Baka kasi nakalimutan niya o 'di kaya ay nakapangako siya sa mga bata na sasabay siya ritong maghapunan.

My worries were only washed away when I saw Blueberry standing by the playground, waving at me to catch my attention.

I raised my hand, waving back and smiling at him. When he didn't smile back, I got worried again. This time, for him.

***

Wala kaming kibuan ni Blueberry habang naglalakad sa daang tila ba napapalibutan ng kakahuyan. May kalayuan sa main highway ang orphanage kaya kailangan muna naming maglakad para makasakay ng jeep pauwi. Himala na lang kung may dadaang taxi.

As darkness continued to fall, the crickets around us got louder. Habang tumatagal, mas lalo akong nagiging hindi komportable kaya naman binasag ko na ang katahimikan.

"Ba't para tayong nasa horror nito," biro ko sabay turo sa nagtataasang mga puno sa paligid namin.

Blueberry chuckled. "My life can't get any worse."

I pressed my lips together and looked up at the dark blue sky above us. "Umiyak ba ang bata nang magpaalam ka? If you don't want to answer, it's fine—"

"I wasn't able to say goodbye to him," Blueberry said, letting out a pained sigh.

Sa gulat ko, nahinto ako sa paglalakad. "Wait, so that's it then? You'll leave him without saying goodbye?"

Huminto na rin ang mga paa ni Blueberry sa paglalakad. He turned around to face me, but I couldn't see his face clearly anymore with how dark the streets were getting.

"May darating na basketball tournament ang bata. Nang magkuwentuhan kami kanina, umiyak pa siya kasi hindi gaya ng mga makakalaro niya, wala siyang mga magulang na manonood sa kanya. Pagkatapos ng basketball tournament," he sighed. "Pagkatapos ng tournament niya, magpapaalam na ako."

All of a sudden, a flash of orange light fell down on us. I looked up and realized that the streetlights were finally turned on. When I looked at Blueberry again, my knees weakened when I noticed that tears were already streaming down his face.

"H-Hey, it's okay . . . " Wala sa sarili kong sambit at humakbang patungo sa kanya.

I sensed Blueberry's panic when he realized that he was already in tears. He quickly turned around and started wiping his tears away. "Tangina, ba't ko ba ginagawa 'to . . . "

"Thank you . . . " I swallowed hard and looked up at the sky again. "Even if it's difficult, thank you for putting this much effort in saying goodbye."

I heard his feet shuffle on the gravel as he slowly turned to face me. 

"When my father left us, I thought the pain would disappear in time . . . " I closed my eyes shut and let out a heavy sigh. "I mean, the pain did become bearable as years passed by, but the way he just left us? I'm all grown up but that shit still haunts me."

"Hey, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to . . . " Blueberry said. Concern was written all over his voice.

Umiling na lamang ako at napatingin muli sa kanyang mukha, at sa pagakakataong iyon ay diretso na sa kanyang mga mata.

"Sometimes, when I'm in my bed, struggling to fall asleep, I find myself asking what happened . . . where did it all go wrong? Did I somehow cause it? Were we not enough? Did my mom do something wrong? Did something bad happen to him? Will it happen again? Shit, I should know why he left us so it wouldn't happen again!" Sa sobrang bilis ng pananalita ko, natagpuan ko ang sarili kong humahangos. Sa kabila nito, nagpatuloy ako sa pagsasalita, "Do you know what's worse? It's seeing my mom waiting for him, hoping that he will return one day and we'd be a happy family again."

"Tree . . . " He took a step toward me, reaching his hand out like he wanted to comfort me.

I took a step back and smiled, wiping my tears. "So, if you ever find yourself wondering why you're doing this, remember that it's not for you, but for the people that you're leaving behind. Give yourself a pat in the back because you are doing the right thing by saying goodbye."

I stood up straight and nodded. "Remember, okay? It's always better to cut off strings completely instead of just leaving them to rot."

I waited for Blueberry's response but he just looked at me, eyes pooling up with tears.

"Bakit?" Pabalang kong tanong sa kanya, natatawa nang bahagya.

"You won't just break your walls and talk about your life like that unless. . . " aniya, dahilan para unti-unting maglaho ang ngiti sa mukha ko.

Blueberry swallowed hard as tears fell down his cheeks. "Coach's birthday last week . . . it was you, right? You were the girl walking away from that waiting shed?"

//