The scene was a beautiful day. The three of them had sat down under the shade in a nearby park from his house. Everything felt ethereal, unlike much of what he felt when he was alive. Queens wasn't exactly the place you visited if you wanted "fresh air." Although, whether he noticed days like this or not is something he can't remember. He was right in between them. Average-looking (respectfully, of course) Emotion had a blade of grass in his mouth, waving it around in the wind. Love had manifested a blanket, somehow, as she was sitting on it - something he'd have to ask her in the future.

   They couldn't have been sitting there for too long, but in all honesty, he wasn't exactly sure what time it was. The concept felt lost on him, at that moment. He had a lot of questions and thoughts running through his head, but the shock had proved to have taken the forefront of his mind.

   "So, what now?" He sighed out.

   "Look, to be honest, I don't really want to work right now." Love answered.

   "You picked a hell of a spot to avoid work, then." Emotion gestured towards the couples on picnic blankets surrounding them.

   She simply placed her fingers over her eyes and manifested a large pair of shades.

   Tori looked up towards the leaves in defeat. "I have a lot of questions."

   "Mate, do we look like a Q and A?" Emotion's grass wafting in the wind was starting to annoy him.

   Nevermind, I guess.

   "Later." Love moved her head slightly to face him. "Pretty soon, in fact. You'd wish you were back here."

   "I just thought that maybe being in charge of reality is a full-time job."

   "You just died, Christ, you're allowed to breathe," Love said.

   "...Christ?"

   "I'm allowed to say any word ever that I want."

   "Is He on the council?" Tori joked.

   "He retired." Emotion yawned, although he wasn't quite sure if he was being serious or not. Before he could even ask, (not that he could because apparently this was not a Q and A,) Emotion had fallen asleep.

   The immediate aftermath of his death left him with many thoughts of his life and had finally broken through the shock. Being in a state of unknowing definitely did not help. I always thought it was the 'sweet release' of death, not 'die and still have anxiety.'

   "Soon." Love gave him a reassuring, mild smile.

   He wished he had a pair of shades for what was happening in front of him. He felt the tension in the air from a couple in front of them arguing. It was surreal. One moment, they were having a lovely picnic, and the next they...were not having a lovely time. Seemed like an argument. If there was one thing Tori did not accomplish before his death, it was understanding romance.

   He already knew it was futile to try to understand the opposite sex. There was nothing left to do but learn to empathize and respect them. But he had to admit to himself, in that moment, watching this young couple, that he was not the best person when it came to being a romantic partner. It hurt his head bad enough when he died, and now thinking about his past (and quite honestly recent mistakes) that he, plain and simply, fucked up.

   There was no helping him out of the rabbit hole he was going down.

   Oh God, no. He mentally sighed.

***

   Five months before he died, Tori felt pretty shitty.

   Life wasn't going the way he wanted it to. To be honest, it totally was, but to admit that you're okay with an average life, sometimes, makes one feel like a loser. Comparison is a losing game, and he knew that. Except, he still did it, anyway. Especially since the people he was comparing himself to were his closest, most trusted friends.

   Silly, right?

   He had finally decided that being an officer of the law was not for him, after his father practically begged him to be a nepo baby of the field.

   "I don't want to be a police officer." Tori had started the difficult conversation.

   His father didn't even bother to look away from the cigarette in his mouth that was only millimeters from his view. "Why?"

   "...because I don't want to."

   "So you want to be homeless." Tori's dad finally looked up.

   "I want to be a cook."

   Tori's dad looked back down. "So homeless."

   He was waiting for it, the comparisons to Kendall, his childhood best friend aside from Leilani that actually followed in his father's dream - a father and son police duo. Luckily, Kendall is so much of a dumb ass that even Tori's father didn't mention it, although the thought of making Tori feel bad by comparison was glimmering in his eyes.

   And the worst part was, he didn't even realize that maybe, Tori loved cooking to bring his broken family together. But Tori knew better than to place emotional value with an Asian father.

   Having a transition during a transitional period of your life (your twenties) while everyone else has such a clear cut path made him feel less normal. As much as he couldn't wait to hear from and hang out with Leilani, and just how much progress she had made, it certainly made him feel less savory emotions.

   "Yo." He picked up the phone once.

   "Leilani wanted me to tell you that you're a bitch." Vio spoke through Leilani's phone.

   "Okay." He responded.

   There was a rustle between what he assumed to be an exchange of phones. "Sorry, are you busy?" Leilani asked.

   "No." As always.

   "Great, we're on our lunch break. Just wanted to call because I'm dying, I'm bored..." and then she whispered, "I'm trying to avoid someone at work."

   "Which is so rude because I'm literally right here." He could hear Vio rolling his eyes.

   "Can you please shut the fuck up, he's here."

   "Who?" Tori tried not to sound interested. Honestly, he felt pathetic. He hated acting differently, especially since he logically knows this is someone he trusts and loves with his life. Looking back unwillingly at this flashback, he should've been more honest about how he felt.

   "Some guy in our lab that she 'claims' is going to fire her."

   "I have anxiety over authority figures." She sighed.

   And honestly, honestly, that was a relief to hear. He was more than happy for all of her achievements, but where he compared himself to her...

   "Simply, just fuck, and then you're golden." Vio chortled.

   ...was her love life.

   "Women have it so easy, am I right?" But Vio was the only one laughing. "I'm sorry." He said quickly.

   And being a best friend, of course, you hear everything about another person. Including all of the dates that you just have to be cool with. That was his sign, he thought, to see other women. He started, successfully of course, he looked like your classic tortured e-boy douchebag, even though it never felt right.

   Are you with a girl right now? Kendall had texted him during this time of...exploration/not understanding his own emotions.

   But Tori didn't respond...because he was with a girl.

   There ain't NO WAY.

   Your ass

   Is with a girl

   That isn't into ME.

   ...

  Bro, please, I'm going through a break up, help. He'd been going through a breakup for years.

   Gym tomorrow? 5 am?

   My bad FOR COMMUNICATING WITH YOU

   And of course, because Tori was never interested in women (i.e. everyone pretty much knew he was into Leilani before he even knew himself [there's no use in denying a childhood friends to lovers cliche]) his love life was an interesting topic amongst the friend group.

   So ur not gay? Eli, his "best friend" proclaimed by Eli himself, texted. Sad, we could've been together :'(

   Hey, heard about you and your romantic life, happy for you! Don't forget that you deserve love. Micah texted. That one he remembered because that was just too nice for no reason.

   And of course, after another night, he received a text from Leilani. R u coming out? Or are u with someone rn?

   Why did he find it so hard to type the truth? Yes, so not tn.

   My b!

   No matter how he spent his time with someone else, whether it was genuine feelings or genuine sexual attraction, something just felt wrong. So he stopped for a while. And whether he hurt anyone's feelings or not, all he could say for himself was that he never meant to, but is not surprised if he acted like an idiot.

   He felt grateful that despite his perceived shortcomings, he still had a very close friendship with his friend group, through everything that he's gone through. Everything that they had all gone through, together. But he just couldn't help but to compare.

   Kendall was a mess, so he didn't care to live up to his standards. Eli was fed with a silver spoon and has more money than many princes. He may actually be a prince, so there was never any real comparison to him. Virgil, Vio's triplet, was actually taking out his internalized anger, a very similar anger that Tori felt, in a very productive manner and was a rising amateur boxer. Vio is an ambitious genius, and because of that, he got to spend more time with his equally genius friend, Leilani at pretty genius school in New York City. Columbia.

   They were both my friends, first. A thought that made Tori instantly shake his head in shame. Wow, that was dumb.

   And there it was, the crux of it all. Why did Tori act like a twenty-year-old boy when he was a twenty-year-old boy? He didn't feel good enough to date Leilani.

   Ding-ding-ding! And the fanfare cued in his head. Congratulations were in order for the recent revelation.

   But Tori, of course, learned from his lesson. Torturing himself needlessly was, well, needless. He started to think about the troublesome thought that occurred to him as soon as he woke up. What couldn't he remember during his 21st birthday party, and why couldn't he have remembered it when he was alive instead of after his death? He was feeling so crabby on his birthday, and for what? He should've said something sooner.

   "Gods, not you, too." Love had interrupted his thoughts.

***

   Tori stared blankly. "What?"

   "Nothing, you're just thinking so intensely and loudly." She sighed.

   "You heard everything I was thinking of." It was less of a question and more of a statement.

   "I felt everything you were feeling. And Jesus, that was a lot. For a man. Good thing Emotion is asleep." She pressed her lips together. "Listen, I normally don't do this so don't ask again, but I'm going to give you a hint. You and your girl had a break through the night before you died."

   "What-?"

   "That's it, that's all you get." Love leaned back and possibly fell asleep.

   The Councilwoman of Love was right. He would hope so, if that was her job. It didn't take too long to remember. He was hungover the day of his birthday/the day he died, but it wasn't hard to remember now that he wasn't hungover, or alive.

   He remembered sitting on his bed, drinking to drown his many, many sorrows and guilt away, when Leilani came into his room.

***

   "You're acting crabbier than usual! Don't tell me it's some girl, I told you you weren't cut out to be a whore." Leilani burst into his room with the intent of cheering him up.

   "And who are you to tell me that?" Tori sat up in his bed.

   "Me." She rolled her eyes.

   "Well, you'd be right that it's about a girl." He rolled his eyes. There was a hint of concern in her eyes.

   She sat down next to him. "Why are we worrying about some girl on your 21st birthday?"

   "Because she's not just some girl!" He surprised himself with his outburst. He looked sheepishly at his hands, unable to look her in the eyes. This next part would be hard. "And because, I think about her all the time. Even if she doesn't think about me."

   She held his hand, looking him in the eyes. "Then she'd be a complete idiot."

   "Then, are you?"

   Leilani blinked. "What?"

   "Do you think about me?"

   "Of course I do." She edged slightly closer to him.

   "That's not what I mean." He said, quietly. Something about her expression defeated him.

   "...it is what I mean..."

   He froze. He couldn't help but to just stare at her. The culmination of everything he wanted to hear. He was drunk, that had to be it.

   "I'm scared." He admitted.

   "Me, too." She was glowing.

   His heart softened. He reached out to stroke her cheek and move her hair out of her face.

   "I mean, I'm scared you're lying to me. You-you, you're so pretty, Lei, baby."

   She got on top of his lap, and they held onto each other. "I'm scared, too."

   That surprised Tori. "Of what?"

   "Of losing you." She pulled back, her heartbeat still loud, her eyes large and sincere, like she was about to cry. "If I ever told you how I felt. Or if I fucked it up, or if I..." he held her tighter.

   "Me, too." Without a moment's hesitation, they locked lips like they should've years ago.

   "When I wake up, this all better not be a dream."

***

   Tori opened his eyes. He really had no concept of time. The couples were gone. The Council members were already awake and standing.

   "Yeah, we gotta go." Emotion helped him up.

   Yeah, I should've said something sooner.