Languor (noun)

- emotional softness or tenderness.

~*~


It was days like this when I felt like a walking paradox. Everything inside of me was a mixture of happiness and bitterness. The beaming expressions of the students I crossed made me content. I attempted my best to smile back at them but it was most reasonably a grimace at best. I endeavoured a grin on the whole way to my locker and to the cafeteria, my ankle boots snapping and my mascara surfaced lashes feeling heavy.


My happiness was forced but I had to do it, I needed to be happy because we subsequently fulfilled what I'd been too frightened to do since forever - the clique rule was no more. The closer I got to the cafeteria the more authentic my smile felt. It seemed like the wistfulness was being ousted away.


But as I entered the cafeteria, a surge of melancholy beat me once again, yet at the same time - so did joy. I gawked around at the various tables which held students from diverse cliques. There were some theatre geeks assembling with the soccer team and I had a feeling it was because of the girl that had a crush on Christian.


The cheer squad table looked more-or-less the same. Bella was sitting with some members of the art club whereas Tammy sat at the Nerd table with Mattia and a very annoyed looking Jillian. Mattia tossed me an eerie look and I shuddered. The only two at the cheer table were Astrid and Maya, seemingly because they were the two most intimidating people on the squad. 


However, as I glanced around the tumultuous cafeteria, my eyes locked with Liam Finnegan's. He sat at our usual table, accompanied by Sabrina. The sight confused me because Nolan was frequently fastened to her hip but my best friend appeared to be sitting with his team. Liam sat with his arms crossed over his t-shirt clad chest and looking right at me as if he was anticipating for me to enter.


Various sensations simmered in my stomach so abruptly that I scarcely had time to pinpoint them all. Rage, yearning and some other shit. My conversation with Nolan developed in my mind and I forced it away, not wanting to force myself into speaking to Liam. 


His hair was an outright mess and not the messily attractive kind, no, it was unkempt at its worst. I refused to look at his face and directed my head away, recognising the sad look Sabrina flung me. My hands felt clammy and I brushed it on my jeans before wandering forward, right past Liam and depositing my ass in a seat at the cheer table.


Astrid looked up from her salad, her onyx eyes perforating into the side of my head as I attempted my best to shield my face from Liam's gaze with my hair. 


"Hey, girl," she acknowledged, handling her fork to pop a piece of cucumber into her mouth. She chewed noisily and I concentrated on the crunching sound, demanding it to drown out the accelerated thrum of my heart the longer Liam gazed at me. 


I elevated my head, observing the concern assault her features as she took note of my puffed eyes. Okay, so perhaps I was a bit of a crybaby. But I applied make-up this morning so that it would take the attention away from my red eyes. Last night was spent with me weeping but presumably not for the reason Astrid was thinking. 


Next week Saturday would be numerous things. My birthday. Christian's birthday. Caleb's birthday. Cookie, (my unborn brother who was consumed by Caleb and named so by him) it would be his birthday too. And also - the eighteenth anniversary since the passing of Charlotte James (née LaCroix). 


I'd been putting off the dreaded day for so long that it entirely slipped my mind, only being reminded of it by my dad at dinner last night. At Dad's token, Caleb perked up because it was always an excuse for him to throw a party. He was usually very earnest about school and soccer but he only ever let loose on his birthday. 


Christian, on the other hand, tensed up, his wide shoulders going rigid and lips clasping together in a steady frown. Our birthday only ever reminded him that The James Triplets almost became The James Twins that day. He was a very sickly baby and Dad had a lot of doctors on his side through the years to help nurse Christian back to health. Most of his early childhood was spent in the hospital.


However, for me, the day only reminded me that I killed my mother. Wasn't that just beautiful? 


Discerning the look in Astrid's eyes, I brought my attention back to her thoughts on why she thought I was crying - Liam. 


It'd been four days since that night at Maya's house and my first day back at school since then. Thursdays were comparatively peaceful for me and I had plenty of free periods to flounder in self-pity. It was the ideal day to finally show up at school.


"Hi," I greeted, thwarting my gaze from hers and looking at the table.


A cup of coffee was swiftly shifted towards me, a delicate hand wrapped around it. I looked up to see Maya sending me a compassionate simper. "You looked dead the first three periods so I figured you needed this."


The most diminutive of smiles hauled at my lips and Maya's grin widened. I reached for the cup, thanking her softly. Astrid observed me apprehensively, gaze skittering between me and what I believed was Liam. 


There were no words to express how much I loved coffee, it was the only thing that could make me feel awake. Before I took a sip of the hot beverage, I felt my throat clog. Gazing down at the liquid in the cup was like staring into Liam's eyes. No wonder I always felt alive when I was with him. His eyes reminded me of coffee. With a shaky breath, I took a sip.


"How are you feeling, Charleston?" a lively voice inquired as Jeremy took a seat next to me, sitting very close because he'd never had any sense of personal space.


Astrid released her fork with a clatter as she glowered at the raven-haired boy next to me. It always delighted me to see the two of them interact, no matter how miserable I was. They've had some type of rivalry going on since we were nine years old. "Excuse me," she grumbled as she stood up. "I'm going to go drown myself in the toilet pot."


Maya snorted as we watched the tall girl saunter away, her black tresses billowing behind her with the speed she was walking with. Jeremy frowned at her disappearing figure and I anticipated for him to yell something crude at her - but he didn't. My eyebrows jerked at that.


He turned back to me, using a hand to sweep away the hair that I was using to shield myself and revealing my face to Liam. "C'mon, James Charles. Talk to me." I didn't even have it in me to laugh at the nickname. 


"I'm fine," I muttered, attempting to sound as believable as possible but judging by his scowl, he didn't believe me. "I really am, Jer."


Jeremy's blue eyes were veiled with a layer of guilt as he sighed, grumbling, "I'm sorry."


I was beyond bewildered because Jeremy Dawson never apologised for anything. Maya seemed just as disturbed because she excused herself, knowing that it must've been important if he was apologising. She picked up her own cup of coffee before travelling towards my brothers.


Caleb was animatedly handing out invitations to the party he was throwing in honour of our eighteenth birthday. People were excited because he never threw parties, only when it was his birthday. 


"Why are you sorry?" I asked, shifting imperceptibly so that I could face him.


He crimsoned slightly, eyes darting around before finally meeting mine. "I had no idea that you liked Finn." My ears throbbed at his words and I felt chagrin wrap itself around my neck, threatening to have me pass out. "Otherwise I wouldn't have brought up the whole kissing -"


"He can kiss whoever he wants to," I cut him off, seeing confusion settle on his chiselled features. His forehead rumpled, anticipating for me to clarify further. "I'm over it. I don't care."


If Liam could comfortably brush my feelings aside and go and kiss someone else, then that obviously meant that I had no reason to care anymore. Even though I spent the whole night of that party questioning if I'd maybe astounded him with an unexpected bundle of emotions. And then the night of the sleepover, I was anxious about how I was the reason he kissed Laura in the first place. Perhaps I pushed too hard.


"Yeah," Jeremy chuckled humourlessly, launching an around my shoulder to tug me closer. "You might not care. But it sure seems like he does."


"What are you talking about?"


Jeremy used his free hand to seize my cup and take a sip of my coffee. My eyes narrowed at him but he merely smirked in return. "Dude's been on edge all week. He had detention yesterday because he punched Miles so hard that his front tooth fell out."


I grimaced as I thought of the baseball captain. "Why would he do that?" If I recalled correctly, Liam already gave Miles a black eye so there's no reason for him to hit him again.


"He made some crude comment about you and Finn just snapped," Jeremy remarked, taking another sip of my coffee and my glare hardened. "Honestly, the whole team's been waiting for him to snap. He's been a ball of anger this whole week."


Before I could counter, Liam appeared at our table, coffee-stained gaze fixated on the arm Jeremy had encircled around me. Furious. He was outraged. His brows were scrunched up and his jaw was tensed. I jeered inwardly, he had no right to be angry.


"Dawson," he acknowledged, an ominous glower present on his face. Ok, so he could greet Jeremy but not me.


Jeremy carried a cool smile and I screamed internally, apprehending that he was going to aggravate Liam. "Easy, Finn," he chuckled, clenching his grip around me and seeing Liam glower at him. "Afraid I might steal your girl?"


People were starting to glimpse over and I groaned. The first day back and there's already tension. Usually, I loved watching the drama unfold because it was interesting - but not when I was entangled in it. I really wasn't in the mood for their absurd dispute so I stood up.


"I'm not his girl," I said tightly, looking only at Jeremy. "You better remember that." With that, I turned on my heel and left the cafeteria, feeling my chest tighten with each step and missing my coffee that Jeremy stole. Nolan quirked his brow at me, indicating that Liam was following.


I kept walking, needing to get some fresh air. My feet led me to the back doors and I shoved through, taking a greedy gulp of air. The sun felt blissful on my uncovered arms as I made my way to a tree, determining that I'd rest there for a while.


Just as I was about to sit down on the grass, I felt someone behind me. Taking in a deep breath, I whirled around. Liam stood in front of me and I allowed myself to accurately take in his appearance. There were dark bags underneath his eyes and he seemed distressed. I withstood the urge to punch him.


"Go on," I said through gritted teeth, crossing my arms. "Ask me if I'm okay. Do it."


He strode closer which resulted in me taking a step back. A frown surfaced on his lips. "You're angry with me. I get it." I scoffed again and watched as his shoulders weakened. 


"Man, you're an asshole," I murmured and his jaw clenched as he looked away to the side. "You had no right to come up to Jeremy and I like that. He didn't do anything to you. Jeremy was just checking in on me because he's a nice guy."


Okay, so that was half of a lie. Jeremy was checking in on me but he wasn't essentially a nice guy. A sensation appeared in his brown eyes so hastily that I wasn't able to distinguish it. Liam tensed up as he grumbled, "do you like him or something?"


This time I scoffed louder. "Are you kidding me?!" My eyes were wide as I took a step closer and he appeared dumbfounded by my outburst. "Are you fucking stupid?" I'd always known that boys were dumb but this was a whole new level.


Before I could speak he spoke up again, seeming equally outraged. "Well, what am I supposed to think? He was all over you in the cafeteria. He was literally all over you at your house and you guys grew up together."


"Careful, Finn. You sound jealous," I raised a challenging brow, feeling rage course through my veins.


"What if I am?" He argued in return although his anger diminished imperceptibly the longer he stared at me, taking note of my swelled eyes. Well too bad asshole, these sad eyes weren't for you. With a shaky breath, I prepared myself for the worst argument with the King of apathy- his impassive resolve rivalling that of Christian's.

I expected yelling, maybe crying from my end but what I did not expect was having Liam Finnegan go soft on me. At that moment, staying angry became very difficult.