Title: Tangents

Author:

 There are always second chances. It's not whether he gives you another chance but it's you insisting another one until he sees your sincerity. The choice isn't in his hands; it's on your persistence. But when you first let go and the only thing he asked you is to not look back but you did, how would you insist on the chance that you had already let go from the very beginning? This is reality. This is how it would be. 

  "Shey, please naman. Kaya pa nating ayusin 'to." 

 He gripped my hand, pulling me towards him. Gaya ng dati, my body reacted with the warmth of his palm against my skin. I wanted to wrap my hands around his neck, to tiptoe and press my body against his but I have to stand still and keep my resolve. Hindi kami pwede. Hindi na pwede. 

 I heaved a deep breath, trying to clear my throat with the painful burning. "Ano pa bang ayos ang gusto mo, Brylle? My father slapped me. Buong buhay ko ngayon niya lang ako sinaktan. Can't you just realize that it's all because of you?!" Dinuro ko siya, pinagdudulan ang hintuturo sa malapad niyang dibdib. Ayaw kong gawin iyon. Ayaw ko siyang saktan. Pero iyon na lang ang tanging paraang naiisip ko para bumitaw na siya. 

 "And now it's my fault?" He asked incredulously, his deep, manly voice rising, his eyes swelling tears. Hinawakan niya ako sa magkabilang balikat. "Will you come back to your senses, Shey!" He shook my shoulders desperately. 

 Sa isa't kalahating taon ng relasyon namin, ngayon lang niya ako pinagtaasan ng boses. Gusto kong umiyak, nais ko siyang aluin at humingi ng tawad pero tuwing naiisip ko ang galit ni Papa ay napapangunahan ako ng matinding takot. 

 "I did!" I shout back, trying to sound as firm as possible. "Natauhan ako. I was so selfish. There should never been an us." 

 His body went rigid, his eyes swelling tears. Tila nanghihinang napaatras siya at agad kong pinagsisihan ang nasabi ko. Inabot ko ang kamay niya at aabutin sana iyon ngunit agad niyang inilayo ang kamay sa akin. 

 Nasaktan ako. Wala pa siyang sinasabi pero masakit na. I realized, sa mga nasabi ko, gaano ko siya nasaktan? 

 My hands started shaking as I see the bloodshed rims of his eyes. I don't want to see him like this. I don't want to see him so defenseless and hurting. "Brylle, I'm sorry..." I croaked, remorse consuming me.  

"That's it?" He asked, his tone falling and disappointed. 

 I heaved a breath, fighting the tears choking my throat. "Nahihirapan na tayo. Nasasaktan na kita." Mahinahon ngunit nanginginig kong sambit. Masakit. Mahirap. pero ito lang ang tanging paraan. 

 He disconcertedly puffed his breath. "So, ganun ganun na lang?" He asked, frustration deeply rooted on his handsome face. Tila tinunaw na tsokolate ang kulay ng kanyang mga mata dahil sa nagbabadyang mga luha. 

 Ayoko ng ganito. I need to end this before I could break him even more. 

 "Ano pa bang dapat kong sabihin sa'yo para ma- realized mong ayoko na?!" Sigaw ko. I was so desperate. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya kukumbinsihin sa isang bagay na hindi ko naman totoong nararamdaman at malamang ay hinding- hindi ko mararamdaman. 

 Sobrang mahal ko siya. Pero mahal ko din ang parents ko. I was trapped between two options equally significant to me. pero kailangan kong mamili. Kailangan kong isakripisyo ang isa. 

Tumalim ang mga mata niya, puno iyon ng pagkadismaya... ng hinanakit sa akin. "Dahil bas a sinasabi ng ibang tao? O dahil sa pagkakaiba ng relihiyon natin? 

 I was dumbfounded. Mula pa umpisa ay aware kaming hindi kami pwede, but we were so young that time... and so much in love. We have different religions and this difference disallowed us to be with each other. Pero naitago namin iyon ng isa't kalahating taon at matatapos na nga ito dahil sa isang sulat.

 Brylle was famous in the campus. He was typically the heartthrob type( tall, sporty, rich, smart, handsome. Pero ang bagay na totoo kong nagustuhan sa kanya ay ang pagiging matured niya. His reasons weren't for a regular teenager. Malalim siyang tao, laging may laman ang sinasabi. He was an old soul trapped in a beautiful body of a contemporary man. 

 "So, I guess you just answered me with your silence." Brylle murmurs breaking me from my trances. His voice was weak, his eyes getting tired. 

 "Brylle, mahal kita..." I ended up saying the words but it hurt him even more. 

 "Sana nga gano'n lang kadali. Sana nga sapat na ang pagmamahal para hindi lang dito matapos ang lahat."

He scoffed, his shaky lips twisting into a bitter curve. "Then help me stop believing that the woman I only deserve is you." 

 It hit me hard on the chest and I struggled to keep the sobs that were trapped in my throat. Even so, tears found their way down my cheeks. It was so hard, so painful. All I could do was to clench my palms, the palms he used to hold every time, in hope that I could sneak some strength in there( in hope that I could still feel his comforting warmth in there. 

 "B- Brylle, please... huwag mo na akong bigyan pa ng rason para mas mahalin ka pa." 

Lumambot ang ekspresyon ng gwapo niyang mukha at lalo akong nanghina. Nagmamakaawa ang mga tingin niya, pilit na lumalaban sa isang bagay na handa ko ng isuko. 

 "Shey kahit wala ka pang ginagawa, mas minamahal kita araw- araw." Bulong niya at lalo pang nilunod ng luha ang aking mga mata. Tila bawat pagdampi ng hangin sa aking mukha ay nagsisilbing sampal ng katotohanang isa akong tangang kumakawala sa iyakap ng isang anghel. Ngumiti siya, pero puno iyon ng lungkot, ng pagod. 

 "Kahit sobrang sakit na, kahit 'di na ako makahinga... pinipilit ko pa rin dahil sinalo ko ang labang tayong dalawa dapat ang tumatapos." Pagpapatuloy niya samantalang ako ay patuloy lamang sa tahimik na pagluha. "Sabay tayong tumalon sa bangin pero sa huli ako na lang ang nakakapit. Pilit man kitang abutin, pero ngayon pinipili mong bumitaw." 

 "Brylle, I- I'm sorry..." I croaked. And I love you. 

 Huminga siya ng malalim na tila ba'y nagiipon ng hangin upang tulungan siyang manatiling buhay pagkatapos ng lahat. 

 "May I ask you one last favor?" His lips quivered making his voice unsteady. At sa huli, tuluyang nauwi sa paghikbi ang mga luha ko ng makita ang pagtulo ng luha sa kanyang mga mata. "I'm going to leave. Please don't look back." He murmured and in spite the tornado of lashing painful emotion inside me, the least I could do for him is to nod. 

 He walked passed me, bumping my side on the process. Naiwan sa akin ang natural na bango ng katawan niya, ng init nitong ilang beses ng nagpakalma sa nagwawala kong pagkatao. But I had given it away. Paulit- ulit ang eksenang iyon sa sistema ko at paulit- ulit din akong namatay. I pushed him away, and now he was walking away from my life. So this was what it feels like to just exist without living. This is what it feels like to die but breath. 

 Ilang beses niya akong ipinaglaban, pero sa ginawa ko, pinahalagahan ko man lang ba ang mga iyon? Kaya ko ba talaga? Mapaninindigan ko ba ito? 

 I turned towards his direction and I saw him walking away, his back getting smaller and smaller as the distance swallowed him selfishly. And I prayed that this existence would just swallow me, too. 

 So here I am now, holding the letters I never sent him, holding on the feelings that never died after I pushed him away. 

 He began shutting me off his life. Sa cellphone, sa social media. The only way I know that could convey my feelings for him was through letters. I didn't know how I managed to survive a hell of weeks without him. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko kinayang manatling nakatayo sa kabila ng tuwina'y paglampas niya sa akin na tila ba'y hindi niya ako nakikita, ng tuwina'y pagngiti niya sa tuwing nakikipag- usap siya sa mga kaibigan niya na tila ba'y kinaya niya ng mawala ako sa buhay niya. Gusto ko siyang tanungin. Ganoon lang ba kadali? Pero may karapatan ba ako? 

Umayos ako ng tayo ng makita siyang paparating kasama ng mga kaibigan niya. Hawak ang mga sulat ay sinalubong ko siya pero tila tinakasan ako ng paghinga ng nilampasan niya ako na para bang hindi niya ako nakita. Sa kabila ng panginginig ay huminga ako ng malalim at pumikit upang magipon ng lakas sa susunod na mangyayari. 

 Humarap ako sa direksyon niya at tinawag ang pangalan niya. Pero sa halip na siya ang huminto ay ang mga kaibigan niya ang lumingon sa akin. Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi upang pigilan ang pag- iyak. Kuyom ang mga sulat ay tumakbo ako upang harangan ang daraanan niya. 

 "Brylle, mag- usap naman tayo please." Pagmamakaawa ko pero tila batong nakatingin lamang siya sa akin. Muli akong huminga ng malalim, kinalma ang sarili at marahang ngumiti. Inabot ko sa kanya ang sulat. He looked at the letter impassively and then walked passed me.  

Muli ko siyang hinarangan. Wala na akong pakialam pa kung pinagtitinginan na kami at nagmumukha na akong tanga. I love Brylle. I still love him so much. 

 "Brylle, please." Muli kong pagmamakaawa. "Kausapin mo naman ako." 

 He blinked, his eyes showing unfamiliarity. "Sorry, miss. Pero 'di kita kilala." 

 Nanigas ako sa kinatatayuan. Agad na naglandas ang luha sa mga mata ko. 

 "Brylle?" I asked, my voice in between disbelief and despair. "I'm sorry, miss. But I really do not know you." He uttered lazily and my chest burst out. Lalampasan na naman sana niya ako ngunit hinarang ko na siya agad. 

 "Ano bang laro 'to? Brylle (" 

 "Stop saying my name!" He hollered so much to my surprise.

"Dahil 'yon ang gusto kong mangyari!" Galit na aniya na ikinatigil ko. Ang mga mata niyang kanina ay walang emosyon, ngayon ay puno na ng panlalamig at galit... at sakit. "Pinipilit kong kalimutan ka. Pinipilit kong isiksik sa utak kong dapat hindi kita maalala. Pero heto ka, nandito ka sa harapan ko, sinasabi ang pangalan ko na para bang hindi iyon ang pangalang binabanggit mo ng patayin mo ang kalahati ng pagkatao ko!" 

 "Brylle, I'm sorry... hindi ko sinadya(" 

 "Pero hinayaan mong mangyari!" He cut me off. 

 "Brylle, bumitaw ako pero hindi ako lumayo." Nanghihina kong sagot sa pagitan ng paghikbi. 

 He desperately ran his palms through his handsome face and heaved a disgusted sigh. "And you think I'd still fall for that?" He asked in a strained voice. 

 I swallowed as I tried to calm my sobs. I wanted him back but my irritating sobs wouldn't cooperate. "I don't want you to fall any deeper, Brylle. Gusto kong sabay tayong umahon, pagalingin ang lahat ng sugat na natamo sa pagkahulog na 'yon." 

 "At ano? Start anew? And hurt me again?" Bakas na bakas sa mukha niya ang pagdurusa, the despair of moving on. 

 "Nasasaktan din ako, Brylle." 

 "And what do you want me to feel, Shey?" He scoffed, his handsome face turning hateful and cold. "Na matuwa ako dahil gaya ko nasasaktan ka din?" 

 "Mahal kita kaya ako nasasaktan ng ganito." I answered patiently in between sobs. 

 "Hindi ba mas nasasaktan ako dahil mas mahal kita?" Aniya, ang tinig ay bahagyang huminahon ngunit naroon pa rin ang galit, ang pagdaramdam at sakit. 

 I let go of the letters on my hand as I crossed the distance between us. He stiffened when I wrapped my arms around his waist. He was still fragrant, still warm. But he wasn't the same Brylle I used to hug anymore. There was already a thread of coldness between us, a spot of suspicion created by pain. 

 "Bumalik na tayo sa dati, Brylle. I promise, hinding- hindi na ako bibitaw sa kamay mo." I pleaded and I felt his hands reaching up my arms to free himself from my embrace. I never felt so hollow after that. 

 "How I wish that it was as easy as that, Shey." His voice was calm but sounded so tired. "Pero nasa reyalidad tayo. Hindi na magagamot ng salita ang mga nangyari na." 

 "Hindi ba pwedeng magpanggap na lang tayong pelikula 'to?" I desperately said, "na sa kabila ng nangyari sa atin may happy ending pa rin tayo?" 

 Saglit siyang natigilan at nais ng bumigay ng mga tuhod ko sa ekspresyong iyon ng kanyang gwapong mukha. He was just in front me but he felt so distant. His eyes gave me the feeling that he was already saying goodbye. 

 "This time..." He whispered, the rim of his eyes red with suppressed tears, "hindi na lang 'to tungkol sa religion natin, Shey. Namili ka, and I respected your decision. Ngayong ako ang nakapamili na, I hope you will do the same." 

 My chest tightened in pain as I sobbed continuously. What did I do? Bakit kailangan kong pagsisihan ang inisip kong tama? Hindi pa pwedeng magmahal na lang ng walang nasasaktan? Lalo pang lumakas ang hikbi ko ng muli na naman siyang humakbang palampas sa akin. Pero bago pa man niya ako tuluyang malampasan ay hinagip na ng nanginginig kong kamay ang kamay niya. 

 I swallowed. I couldn't stop myself from sobbing but I need to speak for the last time. "P- Pwede bang this time ay huwag ka ng magpaalam? Para hindi ko na makita ang likod mong umalis... s- so that I won't look back?" 

 We stayed like that for a moment. And I grabbed the chance to memorize how the warmth of his palms fitted my cold hands, the chance to keep his fragrance on my nostrils, the chance to keep him beside me for the last time. 

 I pushed my luck. And maybe, somehow, someday, I could be happy. I could smile remembering that this happened. At the very beginning he already gave me the chance to settle everything between us, and in the end, he, again, gave me the chance to not regret loving him. 

 I let go of his hand the way I let him walk passed me that cold starless night. Sa sandaling iyon, ako naman ang naglakad palayo. Hindi dahil hindi ko na siya mahal, pero dahil iyon ang desisyon ng taong mahal ko, na minsan ay naging desisyon ko rin. 

 I will be happy again. Someday, I will. And if that time comes, I will never waste the chance. Again.