The sincerest of words are often the hardest to say...

--

"I was the one who told Jake that you were seeing Niall, Jess. Armi, yes... I slept with your boyfriend. Katrina, sinabi ko na sa nanay mo na buntis ka. So yeah, it was my entire fault. Hate on me bitches, wala akong pakialam. Hindi ko na kayo kaibigan. Sawang-sawa na ako sa inyo."

Their jaws dropped. "I can't believe it! Of all the people—you!" Dinuro ako ni Katrina.

"We trusted you Abby! How could you!" naiiyak na sabi ni Armi.

"You ungrateful bitch!" bulyaw naman ni Jess sa akin.

"Kasalanan ko ba'ng tanga kayo? Kasalanan ko bang masyado kayong uto-uto? Tingin nyo ba mabait talaga ako?" I laughed at them. "Please, alam natin pare-pareho that I'm way above you three. Pasalamat pa nga kayo at kahit sa konting panahon ay naging kaibigan nyo 'ko."

"I regret the day I called you my friend," Jess said coldly. She stood up and motioned at the two. "Let's go Armi, Katrina..."

Sunod na tumayo ang dalawa. Katrina even threw her coffee at me. Mabuti na nga lang at malamig na ito kundi ay napaso pa ang mukha ko.

"Well, goodbye Abby. Hope karma takes care of you."

I watched them leave the restaurant. I watched the prying eyes of the other diners look at me with a mixture of disgust and bewilderment. A waiter offered me a towel but I shooed him away. Tama lang ito. Tama lang ito sa 'kin. And I'm not finished yet.

I took my phone out of my bag and dialed Harley's number. When he answered, I spoke in a monotonous tone. I gave him the address of the restaurant and told him that I will break up with him kapag lumampas ang kinse minutos at wala pa sya.

He took it as a joke. Funny, makikipag-break rin kase ako sa kanya kaya ko sya pinapapunta. So whether or not pumunta sya, tatapusin ko na kung anumang meron kami. Pero mas gusto ko 'yung harapan. Para makita ko syang nasasaktan.

He loves me too much. That's his fault. In our three years of being together, hindi sya nagsawa sa pagmamahal sa 'kin. It was sickening really... seeing how much he cares for me. Na para bang ikamamatay nya kapag nawala ako sa kanya.

Well, he better start digging his grave dahil mawawala na talaga ako sa kanya.

In less than ten minutes, dumating na sya. Umiwas ako when he stooped down to kiss me. I don't want him to kiss me anymore. Nagsasawa na rin ako.

"Why are you drenched in coffee?" he asked in concern.

"Well... it rained coffee here, on my spot, and I was drenched," I answered sarcastically.

He laughed. "Good one Abby. Here..."' he shrugged off his jacket. "Dry yourself with this."

"No, there's no need," tanggi ko. "Uuwi na rin naman ako. I just have to say this before I go. I'm breaking up with you Harley."

Kumunot ang noo nya. Tumingin sya sa 'kin ng mataman. "Abby, it's passed April Fool's already. Quit joking," he said.

"But I'm not joking. Here's your ring, isasauli ko na. O baka naman gusto mo pang itapon ko sa harap mo para maniwala ka?" I removed the ring and shoved it in his hand. Yes, we were engaged. But I don't want him anymore. I don't want to get tied to him and live a boring life as his wife.

Maang syang napatingin sa akin, hindi pa rin makapaniwala. "What's with you?" tanong niya saka pilit na ibinabalik sa akin ang singsing. Kinuha ko iyon at itinapon. That made him angry. "Seriously Abby, what the fuck is wrong?!"

"I don't know where your common sense had gone Harley. Hindi pa ba obvious? Ayoko na sa 'yo!"

"Why? Ano na naman ba ang ginawa ko?!"

"Wala naman," I replied calmly. "Nagsawa lang ako. Ayoko na. Nakakasawa ka." I got pissed off when he started to cry. Like really... he's a guy for fuck's sake! Why is he crying? Ang lambot naman nito. "Wag ka ngang umiyak! Para kang bakla!" sigaw ko sa kanya.

I stood up and left. Ewan ko sa kanya. Magwala sya. Bahala sya sa buhay nya. Sawang-sawa na ako sa kanila. Masyado silang mapagmahal.

--

"How are you?" JC, my friend, asked.

I shrugged. "Great, I guess," I replied blandly. "I finally got rid of some people."

"It's not really necessary Abby," naiiling nyang sabi.

"Of course it is," I replied as I light another cigarette.

"And you shouldn't be smoking either," saway nya sa akin.

"Oh fuck off, will you? Would that be all? Can I go now?"

He sighed. "Yes."

Tumayo ako. "Thanks."

"Abby... take care, okay?"

I smirked at him. "Sure, I'll try." I walked out of his office.

I've been called a meanie all my life. I was a bully in high school and it didn't change when I entered college. I'm not really friendly. Actually, ayokong nakikihalubilo sa tao. Gusto kong mapag-isa palagi. Mas sanay akong mag-isa. Lumaki ako sa lola ko dahil nag-abroad pareho ang parents ko nung bata pa ako. Ngayon, sinusubukan nilang bumawi. Sinusubukan nilang makipag-close.

Para silang tanga. Sino ba namang may sabing iwanan nila ako sa pangangalaga ng isang matanda? Tapos ngayon magagalit sila sa 'kin dahil hindi ako nag-o-open up sa kanila? Sila kaya ang may kasalanan. They did that to be able to provide me with my needs? Bullshit. Alam ba nila ang talagang kailangan ko?

Sinong bata ang sasaya sa mga material na bagay habang walang magulang na nag-aalaga at nagbabantay?

Dahil kulang ako sa kalinga ng magulang, naging pasaway ako. I drank, smoked and partied all the time. I've wasted my life. Unfortunately for me, some people still befriended me. I even got myself a boyfriend who eventually became my fiancé. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pinag-aaksayahan pa ako ng panahon ng Diyos. Wala naman akong nagawang maganda sa buhay ko. Nagpapakasama ako kapag may pagkakataon. Naniniwala kase ako sa kasabihang 'ang masamang damo, matagal mamatay.' The irony of that phrase amuses me.

I grunted as my phone rang again, for the nth time this morning. What the fuck is wrong with him? Ayaw talagang tumigil? Ano pa bang pananakit mula sa akin ang gusto nyang makuha bago nya ako lubayan? I turned off my phone and rode a bus home. Hmm... mamimiss ko sigurong may tagahatid-sundo. Perks of having a boyfriend and all.

Mahirap ring mabuhay mag-isa. Namatay ang lola ko nang maka-graduate ako ng college. I didn't live with my parents kahit ngayong pareho na silang retired. Wala akong pakialam kung solo akong anak o kung kailangan nila ako. Hindi ko naman sila kailangan.

Buong buhay ko, wala akong kinailangang tao. Swerte ko lang dahil kahit hindi ko kailangan, ibinibigay pa rin sa akin.

Nang makarating ako ng bahay ay agad kong binuksan ang laptop ko para magbasa ng mga testimony.

On May 14, 2013 11:55 AM Bruce_Edward wrote:

Hi, I don't check this site on a regular basis, but wanted to respond to your post. My daughter was 20 when out of the blue, she had one seizure...turned out to be a GBM...She had surgery, radiation, and temodar. During all this she was able to finish college and graduated on time! Oh, post surgery, she lost the use of her right side, but with prayer and determination she walked out of the hospital. She is now 25 and planning her wedding! GOD is good!

Bruce

Good for her then. Ako kaya, siswertehin din? Nah... hindi siguro. It's too late now. I've passed all the opportunities of surgery or chemo. No, I won't survive now. I have this thing called GBM or Glioblastoma Multiforme, classified as Grade IV astrocytoma.

Matagal na akong nakakaranas ng panlalabo ng paningin and occasionally, short-term memory loss. Hindi ko ito pinansin. I hate going to the doctors. Madalas kong indahin kung anuman ang nararamdaman ko. Madalas kong itulog ang migraine. Wala akong tiwala sa gamot.

And I blamed my STML to my parents, na dakilang makakalimutin. Nakalimutan nga nila na may anak pa sya na naghihintay sa Pilipinas for fifteen years eh.

It was not until I fainted one time. Mag-isa ako sa condo ko noon. Nag-away kami ni Harley. Kakabagsak ko noon ng telepono. I was about to get some water to calm my nerves. Nang nasa kusina ako ay nakalimutan ko kung ano'ng gagawin ko.

I decided to retrace my steps. Nang makabalik ako sa tabi ng telepono, bigla na lang ako na-blangko. It's like I was walking in haze. Wala akong makitang maayos. Tapos biglang nagdilim ang paningin ko. Pag-gising ko, nakahiga na ako sa malamig na tiles ng bahay ko. My cellphone was ringing. Nang bumangon ako ay saka ito tumigil sa pagtunog.

I looked it up and saw that my inbox was full. Marami ring missed calls from Harley. Yung inbox ko puro message from Harley. He was saying sorry. Kahit kasalanan ko, sya ang nagso-sorry. I heard the doorbell ring. I slowly got up and opened it. He was standing outside with a frantic look on his face and a bunch of flowers in his hand.

Agad nya akong niyakap pagkabukas ko ng pintuan. 'I'm sorry Abby. Please forgive me.' That's what he said to me. Pinatawad ko naman sya agad. Mahal na mahal ko kase sya. Mahal ko silang lahat. Mahal ko ang mga kaibigan ko. They gave light to my gloomy life. They stood up for me since high school and they would still be standing here with me had it not been for this condition.

I've given them enough pain. I don't want to give them any of this anymore. Sanay akong magsolo ng problema. Alam kong madalas akong maging handful and too much to bear. Ayoko na. Tutal sanay rin naman akong mag-isa at mamamatay naman akong mag-isa, eh di dadalhin ko na lang ang problema ng mag-isa.

Sinanay akong mag-isa ng mga magulang ko. Nang mamatay ang lola ko, pakiramdam ko wala na talaga akong karamay. Kahit napapaligiran ako ng maraming tao, pakiramdam ko mag-isa pa rin ako. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like I feel like I'm better off alone.

Kaya nga nang dumating si Harley, naging 180 degrees ang angle ng pagbabagong naganap sa buhay ko. I'm not allowed to be alone and lonely. Kapag may problema ako, kailangan kong sabihin sa kanya para madamayan nya ako. Kapag nalulungkot ako, kailangan kong sabihin sa kanya para mapasaya nya ako. He wrapped his life around me, his world revolved on me.

And to top that off, he wanted to spend his life with someone like me... someone who can't even say an endearment with a straight face. I have never taken initiative on anything. Ako 'yung taong too. I love you too. I missed you too. Never nila akong narinig na unang magsabi ng ganyan.

My telephone started ringing. I decided to ignore it. It's probably Harley again. Maya-maya'y narinig  ko ang sarili kong boses, telling the caller to leave a message. There was a bit of a pause before I heard the caller speak on the other line.

"A-Abby? Abby are you there?" It was Katrina's voice. "I... uhm... can I come over? I need to speak with you." Silence followed. I ignored her message and went back on reading the testimonies online.

RE: Survival rates for Glioblastoma Multiforme Stage IV

by Barb24 on Wed Aug 07, 2013 03:09 PM

My dad is on week 6 of chemo and radiation and his not sick yet. Just gets tired but he still walks his 5km walk daily (weather permitting). My dad neurosurgeon told us that they cured someone recently with chemo and radiation. They also had gliobastoma. They also told us my father won't live very long but they can give him another 2-2 and a half year. I say do the chemo and radiation. It's worth a try

Worth a try huh? I sighed. Kung magpapagamot ako, magkano naman kaya ang magagastos ko? Mukhang hindi ko kakayanin. Wala akong ipon. At hinding-hindi ako lalapit sa kanila para humingi ng tulong.

This is my problem. I, alone, should handle this.

My telephone started ringing again. Kagaya ng naunang tawag, hinayaan ko lang ito hanggang sa answering machine ko na lang ang sumagot ng tawag.

"Hey Abs! I've already forgiven you for what you've said last time. Gala naman tayo!" It was Jess this time. What's up with them?

"Abby, nagkabalikan na kami ni Ron. Hindi naman daw totoo yung sinabi mo eh," si Armi naman ang nagsalita. I sighed again. Ignore them Abby. It's not worth it.

On Apr 15, 2013 11:41 PMjohngiustinowrote:

No doctor should be quoting survival rates to you.  I was told the same thing by an ER doctor.  That was 29 months ago and I am recurrence free to date.  I was even told my resection scar was healing. 

There are clearly factors that can lead to lesser or greater survival, but remember you are unique and not a statistic.  I used to worry about statistics a lot and could quote them to you, but in the end, I realized no one knows their time to die and it is better not to obsess about it and live your life to the fullest for the days you have.

Keep up your spirits,

JG

I closed my laptop after reading the last post. Nanlalabo na naman ang paningin ko. I better rest. Nilagay ko ang laptop ko sa bandang ulunan ng higaan ko saka ako humilata. I stretched out my arms to my side and imagined I was lying on the snow, creating snow angels with them.

Hindi pa pala ako nakakakita ng snow in person. Plano sana namin ni Harley na makasal sa December tapos pupunta kami ng ibang bansa para dun mag-honeymoon. Somewhere in Japan or Korea sana. Kaso hindi na nga matutuloy.

My telephone rang for the nth time. I waited for the message...

"Kung inaakala mo, ang pag-ibig ko'y magbabago.... itaga mo sa bato... dumaan man ang maraming Pasko.." Iyak-tawa ang ginawa ko nang marinig ko ang boses ni Harley, kinakantahan ako. I've always liked his voice. It was very raspy and soothing. Masarap pakinggan... nakakawala ng pagod. Nakakawala ng sakit.... "Kahit na ipagtabuyan mo ako. Kahit na ayawan ka ng lahat. Kahit na magmaka-awa ako sa 'yo ng paulit-ulit... kahit na hindi ka na gumaling, I'll always be here for you Abby. I will never leave your side. Mamahalin pa rin kita kahit ayaw mo na. Hindi kita susukuan."

Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko. I curled up in a fetal position and silently cried. Bakit kailangan ko pa syang makilala? Sana hindi ganito kahirap. Sana hindi ganito kasakit. Ayaw ko silang iwan. Mahal na mahal ko sila...

"I will still marry you Abby and I'll be waiting here outside your door until you come out and say yes to me again."

Napatingin ako sa kisame. Gaano ba ako kabait sa past life ko at pinagpapala ako ng sobra-sobra? I will still marry you... his voice echoed in my head. Should I grab the chance even though I know I will leave him behind soon? Gaano na lang ba katagal ang ilalagi ko sa mundo? Six months? Two years? A decade?  I sat up and opened my laptop again.

RE: Survival rates for Glioblastoma Multiforme Stage IV

by daisybowl on Tue Apr 16, 2013 01:24 AM

I too have GBM4 diagnosed 8/2011 in the R frontal part of my brain.  I have had one reoccurance.  Doctors not sure if it was scar tissue or a tumor.  Treatment was 5 stereo tactic radio surgery. (Fancy words for Gamma Knife) Next MRI came back stable. Made it past one comeback of this horrible disease.  I am now on Avasitin twice monthly.  I work FT and still do all the things I used to do.  (Maybe a little slower.)  Still travel and hang with friends.  My motto is:  Yesterday was history - tomorrow is a mystery and today is my gift from GOD.

Debbie

Napangiti ako. Tomorrow is a mystery indeed. Anything can happen. Malay ko naman kung swertehin ako, di ba? Today is my gift from God. Ang ganda ng message. Ang galing. This is exactly what I need. I got up from the bed. Inayos ko ang sarili ko. Maybe this is what I need. A shot at life. I need to take my chances.

I ran to the door and readied my smile. Binuksan ko iyon and I was taken aback by the number of people waiting for me outside. Akala ko sya lang ang naghihintay sa 'kin. Nandun din sina Katrina. Sina mama at papa. Pati si Doc JC na tanging may alam ng sakit ko. Pati na rin sina Ron at Niall.

Umiiyak silang lahat...

"Uy friend!" bati sa 'kin ni Katrina. "It's not the same without you. Hindi kami sanay na kaming tatlo lang..."

"Pinapatawad ka na namin," said Jess.

"Oo nga. Hindi na kami galit. Sorry kung nilayuan ka namin agad-agad."

Niyakap nila akong tatlo. Hindi ko na napigilang umiyak. "I'm sorry guys!"

"Ano ka ba! Wala lang 'yun noh!"

I was relieved. Kahit alam kong dahil lang may sakit ako kaya hindi sila nagagalit. I turned the good into bad. Kaya ko lang naman sinabi sa parents ni Katrina na buntis sya eh dahil sa ayokong akuin nyang mag-isa ang responsibilidad when her parents would readily help. Iniwanan kase sya ng boyfriend nya when he learned that she's carrying his baby. Ayaw nyang sabihin sa mga magulang ang sitwasyon dahil natatakot syang madisappoint ang mga ito sa kanya. She's a straight A student at summa cum laude nung college. She topped the bar exam last year. Ang ganda ng tingin sa kanya ng ibang tao. She felt like it would gravely sadden her parents kapag nalaman ng mga ito na nabuntis siya ng ganto kaaga.

I told Jake about Niall because I know Jess lacks the guts to tell him that she doesn't love him. Matagal ng nagtitiis si Jess sa piling ni Jake kahit ang best friend naman talaga nitong si Niall ang gusto nya.

I didn't sleep with Armi's boyfriend. Her sister did. Inako ko lang ang kasalanan ng kapatid nya dahil gusto kong magalit silang lahat sa 'kin. Ayokong umiyak sila kapag namatay ako. Ayokong makita silang malungkot. Yes, I'm wired that way. Weird, I know. I mean, ang dami kong inaksayang panahon.

Sana sinabi ko na lang sa kanila para hindi ako masyadong nahihirapan. Sana may karamay ako. Baka sakaling napilit pa nila akong magpagamot. Pero hindi eh... mas pinili kong sarilinin ang problema. Ayaw kong maging pabigat sa kanila dahil alam kong pabigat na ako kahit wala pa man akong sakit.

"Anak..."

Yumakap ako kina mama at papa... for the first time. "I'm so sorry po. Imbes na ma-appreciate ko ang mga paghihirap at pagtitiis nyo, nagalit pa ako dahil palagi kayong wala. I didn't realize that you were doing all that for me."

Puro ako reklamo na palagi silang wala. I was consumed by hatred, thinking that they've abandoned me. Ilang beses na nila akong nilapitan pero ilang beses ko na rin silang itinulak palayo. Ngayong matatanda na sila, pinagsisisihan kong hindi ko man lang nasabi sa kanila kahit isang beses kung gaano ko sila kamahal.

"Abby..."

Humiwalay ako kina mama para yumakap kay Harley.

"I love you," nasambit ko agad. I felt his shoulders shake as he cried some more.

"I love you too..." He laughed. "Grabe, for the first time in three years, nauna ka ring magsabi sa 'kin nyan!"

Hinigpitan ko ang yakap ko sa kanya. "Mahal na mahal kita Harley. Ikaw lang... kahit siguro hanggang sa kabilang buhay, ikaw lang ang mamahalin ko." I laughed. "Ang korning pakinggan!"

"Sira. Masarap pakinggan. Hindi ka lang sanay magsabi," he replied. "Abby, marry me," he said while looking intently into my eyes.

I shook my head. "No, I won't. I might die tomorrow or the next day or next month... ayokong masayang ang buong buhay mo ng dahil sa 'kin."

"Mas masasayang ang buhay ko kung hindi ako makakasal sa 'yo. I don't care if you only have days to live... pakakasalan pa rin kita," he said with finality.

Narinig kong tumikhim si Doc. "Abby, if I may suggest... we can still treat you, you know. Kahit hindi rito, kahit sa ibang bansa... may mga kakilala akong magagaling na doktor."

"How high is the possibility that I will be cured?" tanong ko sa kanya.

Umiling sya. "Do not rely on statistics Abs. Iba't iba ang sistema ng tao. Kahit ang magkakapareho ng sakit, iba't iba ang tsansa na gagaling o hindi."

"You want me to rely on chance Doc?" nakangiti kong tanong sa kanya. "Fine. I'll take my chance."

He seemed surprised with my answer. Actually, lahat sila mukhang nagulat.

Huminga ako ng malalim. Tama, I'll take my chance. My shot at life...

Tumingin akong muli kay Harley. "Listen... if I survived, I will marry you. If I don't, I want you to continue living, find a girl who deserves your love more than I do. Promise me..."

He stooped down and kissed me on the lips. "No, you'll survive and I'll marry you," mariin nyang sabi.

Ginantihan ko sya ng ngiti. "It's a deal then."

Bahala na bukas. Bahala na sa hinaharap. I'll take my chance this time. I will live for God, for him, for them and for myself.

--

The sincerest of words are often the hardest to say... yet they are the most rewarding when said.