I knew I couldn't keep up journaling consistently.

It did help a lot though, I do admit. 

We're in this weird stage of "yes we are back together but there are a lot of rules in place".

And I don't like it at all.

I'm unhappy with all the stipulations,

All the boundaries,

All the restrictions needed in order for this relationship to work.

To be honest, I don't think it feels like a relationship to me.

It seems like you're happy with what we have,

Constantly telling me that you love me,

That you miss me,

But for me,

It's so hard to say those back.

I feel like I need to say them in order for you to stay with me. 

I feel empty.

I feel like I can't heal the way I need to heal.

That things need to be on your timeline.

Or else we can't be together.

I don't know.

I thought I wanted us.

I think I still do.

But I'm really lost in how I feel.

Am I allowed to feel the way I feel,

Without being scared that I'm going to lose you?

I hope we can work things out,

And stay together forever,

But I don't know if I'm okay with what is going on now.