Chapter 12

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Melissa

~*~

Nothing has happened since my return yesterday, no one talked about what happened, no one offered apologies (except for my mother) or anything as such.

I think they believe that I forgive them, but reality is I don't because I can't.

My childhood had been taken away from me, I was subjected to bullying that got so bad I had to battle depression with it.

Depression never goes away, when you think you got over it there it is invading your thoughts at night when no ones around to save you from it.

In the week I was gone, my depression hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt alone and scared and I should have been surrounded by my family but they frighten me.

They so easily left me behind, left me to fend for myself and I had done the best I could but this ball of distrust and fear had invaded my heart and I can't.

I can't let them in so easily and yet at the same time even as I sit around them, I smile.

As if everything's okay when in reality my heart was hurting.

I do this to myself, pretending things are alright when they're not. And now I'm suffocating in that feeling.

I was brought out of my thoughts by Baker, the only one who seemed to notice I wasn't alright as he barked at me.

He sat next to my chair at the table, his own food on the floor, looking up at me with so much love. Animals are better than people.

I pat his head, my smile going from forceful to soft and gentle as my munchkin wagged his tail at the attention.

I'm glad I got him when I did, because he was truly a saving grace for me.

The table was alive with chatter but I played them no attention as I finished my food.

Feeding baker bits and pieces of it as I went.

~~~

It was now late in the afternoon and my brothers had decided to visit Leo and Damian. Mom and dadno2 left and dad went to work. (No surprise there)

So here I lay, on the countertop as I had when I moved in. My bed didn't seem as appealing as it didn't have a fridge next to it like the counter had.

Baker lay on the ground by the counter snoring his little heart out.

Peace.

Peace from everything around me. Before I knew what I was doing I was already fast asleep.

~~~
I awoke to shaking and pouted, I was having a very nice dream about unicorns.

Opening my eyes I see my father frowning down at me. "Are you okay Mel?" He questions softly.

I nod my head for a second before shaking it.

"Wanna talk about it?" He asked as I sat up him climbing onto the counter to sit next to me.

I looked out the kitchen window noticing it was dark, I must have been asleep for a while.

"I don't know how to" I reply "its like I want to tell people, I want to, but I can't because a part of me believes they're not going to believe me and I'll be all alone again, so I have to choose the freedom that comes with telling people how I feel or the isolation that comes with surrounding myself with people who don't care"

An honest answer from myself, but a heart breaking one I realize as I look into my father's eyes.

"I did this, didn't I?" He asked, and my heart went out to him.

"It wasn't just you, or mom, or the trips it was me who also did this to myself, I should say something yet I remain silent, I should ask for help yet no words leave my mouth, and it's because I allow myself not to trust people because the moment I do and they say I lied I push them away so far" I had done it to Damian, ever since the mall I had kept him at arm's length. I wanted him to believe me and he hadn't and I was bitter about it.

I was bitter about a lot of things.

Too many things.

"It's not your fault, you did what you did to protect yourself from getting hurt" my father told me.

"But in the end I hurt me more so than anyone else" I say.

My father sighed, pulling me into his arms for a sideways hug. And before I knew it I was crying into my father's shoulder.

Loud hiccupy cries as I let all my emotions get the better of me.

And I felt so safe in that moment and so loved but I knew the feeling wouldn't last forever, it never did.