Saturday

October 19, 2019

Saturday comes too soon for me. I had dreaded the prospect of meeting with Seth after the incident with Audrey from yesterday. It was as if the vile words I'd spoken had left a thick coat of grime in my mouth that I'd been unable to shake off. When we met up in front of the school though, Seth hadn't acted any different from usual and, while I hate it, neither had I.

Now, we work in silence, sitting across from each other per usual. The atmosphere is light and comfortable, my stiff muscles relaxing as more time passes. On occasion, I glance up towards Seth to find him hard at work on the coding for the game. Ever since the first visit and the lie I'd told on the phone we'd decided that he'd focus on the coding and I'd work on getting the artwork and layout of the game completed. The storyline is something we'd co-create which I'm okay with, though it does hurt having to hold myself back when it comes to the overall story. Because of what I'd told Seth on the phone I can't be myself during our brainstorming meetings.

Well, you could, you'd just be exposed as the liar you are. Not to mention you'd be bringing even more attention to yourself. Out of the question. Just sit back and work from the shadows, Carmen. It's what you're best at. Putting yourself in the spotlight only ever brings painful things.

I tell myself as my muddy brown eyes drift back to my laptop screen. It's filled with open tabs of various student artists and their portfolios. I'd reached out to a few of them with the base design Seth and I are looking for the game so now it's just been a waiting game for them to respond. Since then I'd been going back and forth between a few of the artists I'd really found an interest in, their style speaking to me. I could really see them nailing the design with the storyline I'd thought up before. I make mental notes to contact them later.

"How's the artwork coming? Hear anything back yet?" Seth asked and I look up from my laptop once more, watching as he stretches his arms over his head. There are the low sounds of pops and a relaxed smile pulling up his mouth. His dark brown locks of hair fall into his face, shielding his hazel eyes, for the most part, making it near impossible to read his expression outside of the visible smile.

"Why don't you ever cut your hair?" The question jumps from my tongue before I can even register it's there. The tips of my ears begin to heat and it spreads like wildfire down to the base of my neck. "I-I didn't mean-I just-it's not what-that sounded-um-" The words tumble one right after the last from my mouth as I fumble for the right order in which to put them. Common sentence structure escapes me and I cringe at how I must sound.

"Carmen." Seth speaks my name but it falls on deaf ears as I look away and continue my word vomit.

"It's just that it seems like a nuisance. You have really pretty hair and eyes. I'm sure your face is pretty too. Your hair is just really long. Well, not really long, but moderately long. Long enough that it seems like a nuisance and-"

"Carmen." His voice holds a sigh and it makes my nerves intensify.

"Plus it's the reason people bully you, right? They call you Mop Head because of your hair. Maybe if you cut it they wouldn't and then they wouldn't have a, you know reason to do it and well-"

"Carmen!" He puts more force behind the name this time around and I stop speaking. I lift my gaze to Seth's hidden one not quite sure if he's angry or not. "Damn buttercup, you really need to learn to breathe between sentences. I feel breathless and I wasn't even the one talking." At the joke, my shoulders relax and I slink back into my seat. It doesn't last long.

Oh my God. I did not just call him pretty. Please tell me I didn't.

"Thanks for the compliments, by the way." He shoots me a Cheshire grin that speaks volumes of how I'll never live this moment down. I squeak in embarrassment and lift my hands, tugging my messy blonde braid to cover my eyes as if it'll somehow cover my shame.

"I didn't-it's just that-ummmm," I chew on the word and Seth laughs, causing me to lower my braid so I can peek at him. I gasp when I find him running a hand through his hair, revealing the left side of his face to me and boy have I never been more right in my life. Seth isn't just pretty he's gorgeous.

A near-flawless complexion greets me, marred only by the dark circles under the boy's bright, hazel eyes. Dark, long eyelashes turn my stomach over with envy. Add in the perfect, cupid bow lips I've already been well aware of and his great facial structure and one would think the boy is a model for all his looks.

And it's been hidden away all this time under a mop bucket of hair. Why?

All too soon Seth is dropping his hand back to the table, long dark brown strands covering up the top half of his features once more. "You're something else buttercup. Alright, you wanna ask me a question that personal then you're going to have to work for your treat."

"Work for it?" I echo and Seth nods, leaning back and getting comfortable in his chair. "What do I need to do?"

"Hmmm." Seth hums and lifts his hand to his chin as he ponders, eyes traveling around our empty section of the school library. My curiosity grows as the second's tick by and I find myself leaning forward in my seat. "How about you take over complete control of the story for the game?"

My brows knit together in confusion at the bizarre request. Take over the storyline for the game? While the part of me that loves creating grows giddy with excitement the other part of me, the wary part that had lied in the first place is anything but.

"Why?"

"Because I really have no clue about that type of stuff."

"Well, neither d-do I." I cringe at the stutter in my voice and, judging from the way I catch Seth's mouth twitching up he hears it too.

"I don't think I believe you."

"Then your belief is wrong." I become defensive. Too defensive for something like this.

"I don't think it is." Off to the side, my phone vibrates with an incoming call and I make for it only to find Seth moving much faster. His hand covers the small device and pulls it towards his side of the table. "Nope, you're not running away from this that easy buttercup. I think we should talk."

My shoulders become rigid and my mouth becomes a desert. I sit taller in my seat and my eyes dart around the area my flight or fight instinct kicking in. Beads of sweat form on my brow and it becames a fraction harder to maintain my breath. "There's nothing to discuss. Can I have my phone back?"

"It's okay, Carmen."

Those are my magic words. Don't use them.

"You don't need to get nervous."

"I'm not." I snap and Seth motions to my right hand which is currently up by ear, pulling on the lobe. I press my lips into a tight line and lower my hand, sitting on both as to deter myself from anymore fidgeting.

"Look, I'm not trying to say anything negative. I'm just trying to let you do what I know you enjoy. Creating the storyline to games."

"No, I don't." If his hair weren't blocking most of his eyes I'm sure Seth would be giving me a credulous look and I sniff, sticking my nose in the air and turning away from him. "So what if I do, it doesn't have anything to do with this."

"Quite the contrary buttercup. Our project is to create a game. If you can create one hell of a storyline then I don't see why you wouldn't so we'd both have the best chance at a great grade. Besides, you can't honestly lie about your passions. I've seen you in class. The way you get so into each lesson and how you're always scribbling away in your notebook."

My cheeks burn brighter at the things Seth say making it clear he's watched me in class on more than one occasion. I'm not sure whether to be happy or annoyed by this new fact.

"That doesn't mean anything."

Seth sighs and shakes his head. "There's no need to lie. In fact, I don't even know why you're trying to keep up this pointless act. What's there to gain from it? It's pretty stupid if you ask me."

Those words set me back. I know he doesn't mean them to be malicious. I know they're anything but and yet I'm only able to take them as a poison that stabs deep. My hands move and I close my laptop, storing it away in my backpack before standing from the table. "Give me my phone Seth, I need to go."

He watches me from under his mop of hair and I can feel his eyes searching my face looking for something. Some type of clue as to who I am, what I'm hiding, why I am the way I am but all I see is this boy before me. The boy in school who's most bullied. The boy in school who doesn't seem to give a shit about a thing anyone says or does to him. This boy who I can't help but hate a little bit because of how strong he is.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

I chant my magical words in my head as I bite down on my tongue. My hand stays outstretched, waiting for him to deposit my phone into the empty palm. The tension in the air grows thick as each minute of silence between us ticks by.

"Come on, Seth. Just give me the phone!" When he continues to make no move of doing just that I huff in annoyance and turn on my heel, making for the exit. If he wants to keep the phone then fine! He can keep it, I'd just get Steven or Gwen to retrieve it for me.

"Sorry, but I can't let you go buttercup." Seth's voice drifts over me as his hand latches around my wrist, stopping me in my attempt to leave.

I spin around on him. "Oh yeah? Why not?!" The only answer I get is the shifting of his gaze from my eyes down to my inner right forearm where my left-hand rests. If I weren't wearing a long-sleeved shirt my scars would be visible. My nose crinkles and my heart sinks because I don't need him to elaborate. I open my mouth to ask the question, but I already know what the answer is. "Do you really think," I pause as I turn my body in full towards him. "I'm not-I would never-" I struggle to grasp onto words but this time it's different from earlier. It's because of pure disbelief that I find the English language beyond my reach.

"I'm sorry, Carmen I didn't mean to-"

"Yes, you did." I pull my wrist from his weakened grasp. "You think just because I'm upset I'll go off the deep end again? Is that what you think? Is that what everyone thinks?"

I'm okay. I'm okay.

"No! That's not-"

"It is, isn't it? Ever since two years ago. Jesus, why can't anyone believe me when I say it was an accident?!" My voice rises an octave and I hardly notice when my right-hand lifts and begins pulling on my lobe. "It's not like I meant to cut that deep Seth! It's not like I-like I wanted to k-kill myself. Christ! I'm not some-some-some-" Words escape me and I repeat the singular word over and over as if it's the only one I know.

"Carmen," Seth's strong hands come to rest on my shoulders, forcing my eyes to meet his. "Carmen you're okay. Calm-"

"STOP TELLING ME TO CALM DOWN!" I scream as I smack his hands away, stepping away from him. "I know I'm okay! Alright?! I know I am. I'm okay. I'm okay. They just-" A sob hiccups past my lips as I begin to lose control over the emotions I'd spent so much time to keep in check. "Everyone was just always watching me! They wouldn't look away, they wouldn't just. Shut. Up. There's always something that I'm doing wrong. Something that's funny. That's gross. That's stupid."

Seth takes a step back at the final word I spew as if I'd stricken him. It doesn't deter me in the least. "I try, okay? I really freaking try but it doesn't work. It never works. I can't change who I am even if I want to!" I sob as my hands lift. I press the palms to my throbbing temples, a headache pounding behind my eyes. Everything hurts.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

"But everyone keeps watching! I don't want them to watch me!"

"It's okay, Carmen. No one's watching." Seth said, his hands raised as if to show he doesn't mean me any harm. "I promise," He starts, his voice gentle. Quiet. The complete opposite of mine. I shake my head, furious. It's not true because there's always someone watching. Always someone ready to pounce on the smallest mistake I make. "It's just us here buttercup." Seth expands his arms out to either side of him as if to elaborate on the statement. "We're the only one in this section. Isn't that why you picked it?"

I sniffle and nod, the noise in my heading seeming to quiet as I focus on his voice. "Yeah."

Seth smiles as he takes a step towards me. "And that was crazy smart of you too. We never would have gotten work done anywhere else. It was a good call, really."

I nod once more and Seth takes another step towards me, closing the distance between us. He reaches out and I flinch away from his hands. "It's okay." He reassures me and tries once more. "You don't have to change buttercup." Seth pulls me towards me and I let myself be wrapped in a warm and strong embrace. The chaotic noise which had been running rampant in my head is now nothing more than a dull ringing in my ears. My chest rises and falls at a rapid pace and I stiffen when I feel his hand run over the top of my head in a comforting gesture.

"If I don't they'll keep watching. All of their eyes will be on me."

"Is that why you lied about being able to create the storyline for the game?" He asked and I hesitate a moment before nodding.

"We already have to stand in front of the class to present the game. I don't want it to be my storyline. I don't want everyone to be looking at me. Not anymore." My voice is weak and hoars. My body is trembling. My head is pounding. All I want to do is lie down.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

"Well, that's a sad way to live your life buttercup."

I click my tongue in annoyance and shake my head. "Of course you wouldn't understand. There's no way you would." I try to pull away from Seth's hold but his arms tighten around me, becoming steel bars to keep me in place.

"You're right. I don't and I never will because I don't care about what they say. I've never cared what any of them had to say."

"Yeah, and it's stupid!"

"Is it? Who's the one losing out here buttercup?" Seth questioned as he looks down, eyes boring into mine, daring me to respond. I can't because I know the only type of response to the question and its one that has shame coursing through my veins.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

"That's what I thought. Don't go trying to bite off my head and make me ashamed of who I am. My way of living isn't wrong."

"Your way of living is miserable."

"And yours is any better? Living in the back of the crowd, giving up what you love? Lying about what you enjoy? At least through my way, I confront those around me. I can walk through the halls with my head held high and a smile on my face. And you?"

I shrink back at the challenge in his voice and I begin closing in on myself, not wanting this confrontation anymore.

I'm okay. I'm o-

"Oh no, you don't buttercup. I'm not done with you yet. You wanted the treat so now you've got to do the work for it. I'm not about to let you go back into your little shell to hide away from the spotlight."

"But I don't-"

"Yes, you do." He cuts me off. "It's what you do best these last two years."

I shake my head in denial.

"But I'm done just sitting back and spectating."

I lift my hands to my ears, not wanting to listen, but Seth grabs my wrists and lowers them back to my sides.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

"You deserve so much better than just the shadows."

I look away from Seth and squeeze my eyes shut, refusing to meet his.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

"You're brilliant and beautiful."

I'm okay.

"Passionate and funny."

I'm okay.

"And I know I keep saying it and everyone keeps saying it and I'm sure you're denying it with every fiber of your being but you're-"

I'm-

"Not-"

"Okay," I speak the word aloud. A soft whisper on my lips that sounds like a scream in the silence surrounding the both of us. Seth is quite for a long time, letting the words sink in for both of us before saying,

"And that's okay buttercup. You don't always have to be okay."

It's those words, those two sentences that break the dam within me. Every emotion I'd kept bottled up behind every single 'I'm okay' tsunamis through my body and the next thing I know I'm on the floor and Seth is cradling me in his arms, whispering in my ear, petting my hair, reassuring me in the only way he knows how. I feel splashes of wetness against the top of my hair, a sign that he's crying with me. He's crying for me and it only makes my gross sobs even more brutal. And, as both our cries fill the empty space around us, the only mantra repeated through my thoughts is,

I'm not okay. I'm. Not. Okay.

A/N: Carmen and Seth have had their confrontation. What are your thoughts on this chapter? Drop a comment below! I love hearing from you and, if you enjoyed this chapter don't forget to hit the little start button.