Chapter Four

Fuck Buddy

Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal na akong nakatulala sa kanya. Mas lalo pa kasi akong hindi nakaalis sa aking kinauupuan nang maya-maya ay daluhan siya ng kanyang kapatid at kakambal na si Thelonious Auxerre.

My heart pounded more because I remember him too. Though we don't have a lot of interactions together and I doubt that he'd remember me, in my head everything was still vivid.

I absentmindedly swallowed hard again after being hit by the thought that there's a possibility Toine doesn't remember me too.

Labing limang taon na ang nakalipas simula nang huling beses na magkita kaming dalawa. I never dare going back and look for him again and he never care to chase me.

Sino ba naman kasi ako para hanapin pa niya eh kabi-kabila ang mga babaeng kusa nang lumuluhod sa harapan niya?

Baka nga kahit ilang buwan din ang naging ugnayan namin noon ay hindi rin importante sa kanya lahat ng mga nangyari dahil nature na nila ang itapon ang mga babae pagkatapos gamitin. They only think of women as a fuck machine and nothing else. Gayunpaman, I still fell for that. Damn, I fell so hard.

Nagtangis ang bagang ko. I scolded myself for going back to the past again and reminisce the good times even when I shouldn't. Kahit na dapat ay tumatakbo na ako ngayon palayo bago pa mag-krus ang mga landas namin!

Hell, he was the reason why I hid to this place and created my own world. Kaya ako lumayo para hindi na kami magkita pa habang buhay.

Who the hell would have thought that the competitor that's killing my world is now related to him?

Rozovsky curse.

How many times would a Rozovsky needed to break me? Bakit kahit na kinalimutan ko na ang lahat ay nanunubok pa rin ang tadhana ngayon?

And why do I feel fear? For sure fifteen years already healed all my scars. Wala rin naman kaming naging relasyon at alam kong hindi big deal sa kanya ang lahat ng mga nangyari sa pagitan namin pero bakit hanggang ngayon malinaw na malinaw pa rin sa puso at utak ko ang lahat?

Bakit sa tuwing naiisip ko ang nakaraan ay hindi pwedeng mawala si Andres sa mga 'yon? Bakit parang siya lang ang laman no'n at ang kabaliwan ko sa kanya na hanggang ngayon ay damang-dama ko pa rin?

"Bakit si Toine and crush mo at hindi si Thelonious?" My best friend Miki from college teases me one day while we were in the powder room.

Doon pa lang ay halos mangisay na ako sa kilig lalo na nang maalala na namang nagkatitigan kami ni Toine kahapon sa gymnasium habang naglalaro sila ng basketball.

I was a shy girl but I cheered for him with all my heart. Nakakatuwa dahil napansin niya ako. Hindi ko nga lang sure kung dahil naingayan lang ba siya sa akin o dahil gusto niya ang ginawa ko.

Anyway, we look at each other for five solid seconds. He couldn't take his eyes off me. Tandang-tanda ko ang lahat at damang-dama ko pa rin ang kiliti sa buo kong pagkatao at siguro kung hindi pa siya sinaway ng teammate ay baka nilapitan na niya ako... or am I just being delulu?

"I don't know."

"Hindi nga? They almost look the same so how? Paano mo nagustohan si Toine pero hindi mo naman gusto ni Thelonious?"

"I said I don't know, Miki. Maybe because Toine was the one I first saw here." sagot ko.

Ang totoo ay hirap din talaga akong ipaliwanag ang tanong na 'yon. Tama si Miki. Wala naman masyadong pinagkaiba sa pisikal nilang anyo at minsan napagkakamalan ko rin si Thelonious na si Toine pero mayroon pa rin talagang pagkakaiba na utak ko lang ang kayang makapagsabi.

Maybe because compared to the two, Toine was more behaved. Hindi gaya ni Thelonious na kahit anong araw at oras ay hindi nawawala sa bibig ng mga schoolmates namin sa Enderun. They were both the alpha's but Thelonious was still more superior than Toine. Nasasama rin siya sa mga gulo pero hindi madalas. He has vices like his twin brother too but when it comes to girls, Toine's dating history was more domesticated... or so I thought.

Masyadong mataas ang paghanga ko kay Toine kahit na ilang beses na akong halos batukan ni Miki dahil bukod sa mailap ang mga lalaking 'yon at alam ng lahat na never nagseryoso sa babae ay limang taon din ang agwat ng edad niya sa akin.

Miki got more concerned about me when Toine and I finally had a proper interaction. It was during Enderun's year end party where we were finally introduced by Kerwin, a friend who's close to the Rozovsky's.

He was a childhood friend of my sister's long time boyfriend. The conversation and teasing did not stop after he heard Miki talk about how I was smitten with Toine Andres.

Sa party na 'yon nagsimula ang lahat. He got my number and we never stopped texting and calling each other since that night. Wala akong ibang naramdaman kung hindi kasiyahan ng mga panahong 'yon.

You could already feel a blessing from above just by thinking of a Rozovsky talking to you. In my case, it was not an imagination and I'm not just talking about a quick interaction but series of texts and calls and updates that always melts my heart.

I felt so special. Everyone who knew our interactions were envy of me. Lahat sila ay walang bukambibig kung hindi gaano ako kaswerte na mapansin ni Toine. Some even hated me for it especially the women who had a chance with him but never worked out and those women who will never have a chance.

Mas lalo akong nalunod sa pagiging espesyal dahil bukambibig din ng mga taong nakapaligid sa akin na hindi raw ito nakikipag-text. It was then confirmed by Kerwin who knew them longer than me. Kahit na masaya siyang nakikitang masaya ako sa mga interaksiyon namin ni Toine ay buo pa rin ang paalala niyang huwag masyadong mahulog sa lalaki dahil hindi raw talaga ito nakikipagrelasyon.

I did not listen to any of their advice. Ang mga pinakinggan ko lang ay ang mga gusto kong marinig. I became blinded by the love and adoration I had for him until one night I gave in. I gave him my virginity and he made love to me over and over again.

I was afraid that he would ignore me the next day but he did not. In contradiction, matapos ang gabing 'yon ay nakipagkita siya sa akin kinabukasan. He brought me to a fine dining restaurant and we had a great time there. Hindi ko masabing date iyon o ano para sa kanya pero hindi na mahalaga dahil ang paniniwala lang ng utak ko ang gusto kong intindihin. It was a romantic moment for me. I felt seen and valued.

The sex became constant and I never regret our sexcapades even though I am aware that I am still young to have a sexual intercourse. I was just eighteen when it was all happening and every time we did it, he only wore a condom when he had one.

We did not practice safe sex even though his pull out game was strong. Wala rin sa utak kong pagsabihan siya dahil lahat ng gusto niya ay ginagawa ko.

I agreed when he said that he wanted to feel me more by taking his condom off. Ako pa mismo ang nagtatanggal no'n. True enough, it was more amazing without the plastic kaya rin kahit madalas wala ay wala na akong pakialam. All I wanted was him enjoying his time with me. Wala na rin naman akong dapat ireklamo dahil napakagaling niya sa kama. He never fail to make my legs shake because of an intense orgasm.

Mas lalo akong napanatag nang malaman na simula nang magkaroon kami ng koneksiyon ay hindi na rin ito nakikipagkita pa sa kahit na sinong babae. That for once he stayed with me and that made me more superior that all the women he dated and fuck.

"What are we, Andres?" hindi ko pa rin napigilang tanong isang gabi matapos naming magniig ulit.

Hinanda ko ang puso ko sa kanyang sagot pero hindi ko pa rin naprotektahan ang aking puso sa sakit dahil sa kanyang sinabi.

"I don't know, friend and fuck buddies?"

I bit my lip at that. Napahigpit din ang kapit ko sa kumot na nakatakip sa hubad kong katawan.

Alam ko naman ang pinasok ko. I know he wasn't the man who will jump into a relationship  and stick with one because every women were literally lining up to get his attention.

Wala naman akong ini-expect simula nang mapansin niya ako at maibigay ko ang lahat ng meron ako sa kanya pero nasaktan pa rin ako. I knew this coming but I didn't expect that it will still be this painful.

"Hey, ayaw mo ba? Is this the last time we're going to have sex?" he asked, now crawling back to me.

Napakurap-kurap ako, pigil ang mga luha sa pagtulo at agad na umiling.

"Friend and a fuck buddy is fine with me but..."

"There's a but, huh?" He asked, now lighting a cigarette in his hand.

Umahon ako sa pagkakahiga upang harapin siya. We were still his bed. Ilang oras na kaming naroon at dalawang beses na rin kaming nagniig.

"Kung magiging fuck buddy tayo, gusto kong ako lang. Ayaw ko nang may kasabay."

"Oh..." natigil siya sa paghipat.

Nang makita ang pagkaalarma niya ay agad akong ngumiti kahit na ang bigat-bigat ng dibdib ko sa nabuksang usapan.

"Gusto ko lang maging safe. I know maraming babaeng nagkakandarapa sa 'yo at wala naman akong karapatang pigilan ka pero kung gusto mong manatili tayong ganito ay isipin mo ang health ko. That's all I want in return. Ayaw kong mahawakan ng kahit na anong sexual disease." I said fearlessly before he could imply that I am already in love with him and I wanted him all by myself even though that was the truth.

Na kaya ako pumayag na maangkin niya ay dahil matagal ko na siyang gusto at pangarap ko ang makasama siya kaya ayaw ko ng kahati. That I want him to be mine even if it's too impossible-kahit na alam kong may hangganan ang lahat sa aming dalawa.

"I never practice sex without a condom, sa 'yo lang."

"Kahit na. If we're going to continue being fuck buddies, gusto kong ako lang."

"All right. I will not fuck anyone but you, Lacey." he said in his casual tone to promise me.

"Promise me, Andres. I want to have your word. Say it."

He puffed his cigarette twice before giving me an answer. "I promise, Lacey. I will only fuck you and no one else."

My smile was traced with bitterness. Kahit nakuha ko naman ang gusto kong sagot ay hindi nawala ang takot sa puso ko dahil kahit na nangako siya ay alam kong hindi niya 'yon magagawa.

The Rozovsky's were players, womanizers and they are all irresistible. Walang babaeng hindi nangarap na mapansin nila.

Loving one and falling deeply in love with one is like going into a battle field you knew you already going to lose.

Now that Toine got everything that I have, alam kong oras na lang ang bibilangin bago siya magsawa sa akin at lumipat naman sa iba... because that is what I am to him. A fuck buddy. Iyon lang at wala ng iba.