Chapter Eleven

Love Is Not For The Weak

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat maramdaman matapos malamang ikinasal pala si Toine at nagkaroon ng mga anak. That he married someone and had a wonderful life until it was taken away from him through their deaths.

Jimm said his family got into a boat accident when they were on their way to an island to surprise visit him. Wala siyang kaalam-alam na nag-aagaw buhay na pala ang pamilya niya habang nasa trabaho. What happened that day changed him.

"I am from Manila. Kinuha ako ng personal ni Sir Toine sa bar na pinagtatrabahuan ko matapos niyang malaman na sinisante ako dahil lang hindi ako nakapasok ng isang araw. He changed my life, Miss Lacey."

"So you lied to me? You mean you entirely knew Toine?"

Hindi nakasagot si Jimm. Dahil sa daldal niya ay nadulas na siya sa mga hindi dapat sabihin. Base sa kanyang reaksiyon, mukhang nagulat din siya sa pagiging madaldal. Maybe because his job was only to pour drinks to patrons and nothing more. Wala siyang makausap dito sa post niya kaya nalibang sa akin.

Akmang kukuha ulit ako ng pera para ibigay sa kanya pero umiling na siya at kinuha ang huling pasimple kong inilagay sa ilalim ng aking baso.

"There's no need to bribe me, Miss Lacey. I am not suppose to talk about his life but since you're the first woman he brought here after a year, alam kong may nakita siya sa 'yo at kung ano man iyon ay umaasa akong ikaw na ang makakapagpabalik ulit ng sigla niya at ng dating siya."

"W-what?" pigil ang kabaliwan kong tanong pero wala akong nakitang pagsisisi sa mga sinabi ni Jimm.

He remain serious. He mean every word that he said.

"Masayahing tao si Mr. Toine. He was a ray of sunshine before the tragedy happened. He was vibrant and all that. Lahat ng mga tao rito ay gustong-gusto siyang pagsilbihan dahil napakabait niya at madaling lapitan pero nawala na ang lalaking 'yon pagkatapos mamatay ng pamilya niya. He became this unrecognizable man with dark aura surrounding him. He never talks to anyone anymore. Nakikipag-usap naman siya sa akin pero hindi na gaya ng dati. He's always unavailable, too. Minsan siya pa ang dahilan kung bakit madalas may mga nasisisante rito sa hotel. Last day lang nga ay may pinaalis na naman siya sa reception nang late maibigay ang bagong towel at iba pang request sa room niya. Basta, hindi na siya iyong dati."

"He... changed, huh?" lutang ko na lang na sambit.

Gaya ni Jimm ay damang-dama rin ang lungkot para kay Toine. I can literally imagine Toine's happy life with his wife and family. I may have hated him for what we did to me and how we ended and stop communicating but I never had a grudge towards him. Kahit na masakit ay hiniling ko pa rin naman sa kanya ang kasiyahan kaya masaya akong maisip na at some point nakuha niya 'yon. However, I can also imagine his current life and it pains me. Hindi ko dapat maramdaman pero sobrang nalulungkot ako sa nalaman.

"Yes, Miss Lacey. Lahat ay nalungkot din sa pagkamatay ng asawa niyang si Miss Jolene Salvandro. Malaking parte siya sa pagiging mabuting tao ni Sir Toine. She's a ray of sunshine too kaya nang mawala ay parang nawalan na rin ng liwanag ang buhay niya. Napakarami pang mga hindi magandang balita tungkol kay Sir Toine ngayon na mas lalong nakakabahala at nakakalungkot pero hindi ko na sasabihin kahit bayaran n'yo pa ako ng malaki. Pasensiya na po."

Lutang akong napatango na lang. I don't think if I want to know that, too. Sapat na sa akin ang mga sinabi niya. Sapat na rin ang mga 'yon para muli ay hindi ako patulugin ng konsensiya ko.

Again, Toine Andres kept my mind going into circles. I may not know him now and I don't know if I want to, but I feel bad because I was awful to him the last time we talked. Kung alam ko lang na malaki ang pinagdaraanan niya ay mas naging mapasensiya sana ako at mabuti.

Hindi naman ako masamang tao. I am actually known for being kind just like what he was before. Madali akong lapitan at never akong nagalit sa maliit na bagay kaya ang pakitunguhan siya ng gano'n ay sobrang ikina-guilty ko.

I was glad Jimm had great connections with the current receptionist and that my booking was extended for another day. Hindi ko man alam kung magkikita pa kami ni Toine, plano kong kung sakali man ay babawiin ko ang ilang mga nasabi ko sa kanya. And maybe, just maybe, we could be civil.

Maaga akong nagising kinabukasan. Imbes na sa pool lang sa balcony maligo ay sa baba ko napagpasyahang mag-swimming matapos kumain mag-gym at breakfast.

I got Jimm's phone number just in case he knew his whereabouts. I got a text after I got off the pool. I relaxed on the lounger while I read his text.

Jimm:

He's still at the hotel Miss Lacey. Kaya lang ay hindi ko alam ang agenda niya ngayong araw kaya bukod doon ay wala na akong iba pang maibabalita sa inyo.

I type my reply as fast as I could. Pakiramdam ko ay si Toine na ang kausap ko at ayaw kong mawala ang linya namin.

Ako:

Just please text me whatever news you got from him. Especially kung ano ang agenda niya. Wait, do you know where he usually spend his time here bukod sa bar?

Jimm:

He usually order room service all throughout the day except dinner. Madalas ay alam kong tumatambay siya sa beach lalo na kapag madilim na't wala ng tao sa paligid. He really likes to spend his time alone.

I thanked him. It makes sense. Hindi ko kaagad iyon naisip! The beach was the place where he saved me from that pervert. Gabi na rin nang mangyari 'yon so mga gano'ng oras siya naroon? Isn't it too late for him to stay at the beach alone?

Ipinilig ko ang ulo nang muling maisip ang kalagayan niya. I tried stopping myself from feeling bad but it haunted me the whole day.

Hindi ko pa rin lubos maisip ang hirap sa buhay ngayon ni Toine. My journey was tough enough but it was nothing compared to what he had.

It was just heartbreaking to imagine that you found someone and built a life with them and then losing it all in just one snap. Siguro kaya hindi ako binigyan ng amor sa pagmamahal ay dahil baka hindi ko kayanin.

Love is not for everyone. I always believe that it was only for God's strongest soldier. Hindi lahat may kapasidad na magmahal at hindi lahat ay kayang i-maintain ang pagmamahal na 'yon para sa ikabubuti ng lahat.

We are all human. We made mistakes and we constantly evolve. Nature na nating magbago at humanap ng mga panibagong gugustohin sa buhay. And that is one of the biggest challenge someone who loves someone struggle the most, contentment.

Call me coward for not trying hard to find love after my heart got broken because of Toine but I'd rather stay single than be broken-hearted like him. I'd rather be alone than hurt myself and hurt someone I love in the process of it. Magiging duwag na lang ako habang buhay.

I prepared myself the whole day. Wala pa mang kasiguruhan ay umaasa na akong makakausap ko si Toine ngayong araw at baka sakali, may mas kalmado kaming pag-uusap at pagtatapos sa ipinapangako kong huling araw nang ugnayan namin.

Dama ko ang pagbilis at paglakas ng kalampag ng puso ko habang bumababa ang araw. Hindi na ako mapakali habang kumakain ng dinner. There is another party tonight but I am not coming. May iba akong agenda at umasa akong ang gagawin ay may patutunguhan. And it has.

At exactly ten in the evening, I saw Toine Andres. Puffing his cigar on his left hand while drinking whiskey at his right. Wala ng tao sa beach. Walang ingay sa paligid maliban sa alon ng dagat. Now I understand why he chose to be alone here and at this hour. It was peaceful.

Bumagal ang mga hakbang ko at kahit ilang dipa pa ang layo niya ay natigil na ako sa paglalakad. My heart was clenching so bad. Parang gusto na ng puso kong lumabas sa aking dibdib nakatitig pa lang sa kanya.

Even without him looking at me and realizing he was not alone anymore, his presence were all over my body. Parang nauna pa ang kaluluwa niyang salubungin at yakapin ako dahilan para hindi na matigil ang pagwawala ng puso ko.

"Tell me what you want and leave me alone." untag niyang nagpapitlag sa akin.

He knew I was here! Damn, how?

Mas lalo akong hindi nakagalaw sa aking kinatatayuan nang umahon siya sa pagkakasandal sa wooden lounger upang sa wakas ay lingunin ako.

"I-I am sorry for interrupting you. Hindi ko alam na may tao."

Nagsalubong ang kilay niya. I thought he would shout at me to make me go away pero imbes na 'yon ang gawin ay hinipat niya lang ang hawak na cigar at muling ibinalik ang sarili sa dating pwesto.

That gave me a chance to come closer to him and maybe do my plan. Tahimik akong naupo sa isa pang lounger isang pagitan mula sa kanya.

"Sorry for interrupting you."

"Just shut up and don't disturb my peace."

"Andres..."

"Go swim, walk away, or chill there, just don't talk to me." marahas niyang putol sa kung ano pang sasabihin ko.

He said it so harsh I feel like my skin was being cut by a sharp knife.

"I'm not here to swim."

"I'm not asking. I'm saying stop talking to me."

I swallowed hard at that. Inayos ko ang sarili sa upuan at sandaling itinikom ang bibig. He was silent. Nagkaroon lang ng ingay nang abutin niya ang bote ng whiskey para muling salinan ang wala ng laman na baso.

I gently tilted my head on his direction. Hindi ko na naialis. I watched him stare at the dark sea while slowly entertaining his vices.

Hindi ko na alam kung gaano ako katagal na nakatitig sa kanya. I remember everything that Jimm told me.

Even in a distance, even without us talking, even without him knowing that I am aware of what happened to him I can feel how hurt and miserable he was right now. Muli ay naramdaman ko ang lapat ng sakit sa aking puso para sa kanya.

"I said don't disturb my peace." he spoke, now in gritted teeth.

"I am not disturbing your peace. Ni hindi na nga ako humihinga rito huwag ka lang maistorbo."

"Stop playing dumb, Lacey. I have no fucking time for your games."

Umahon na ako at nagmamadaling lumipat sa bakanteng lounger na nasa tabi niya. I watched him draw a deep sigh but it did not stop me from talking.

"I'm sorry, Andres. Sorry I was hard on you the last time we talk."

"Good but for fucks sake, shut up."

"Andres—"

"We don't have anything to talk to, right? You're not comfortable with my presence and you should not. I get it now so move, Lacey. Walk away and just leave me here alone. Gusto kong mapag-isa kung hindi pa obvious."

I pulled a handkerchief from my pocket and handed it to him, taliwas sa gusto niyang iwan ko na siya.

Naibaba niya ang hawak na alak at walang nagawa kung hindi tuluyang mapatitig sandali sa panyong hawak ko at pagkatapos ay mapatitig ulit ng madilim sa akin.

"Jimm told me it was yours and I'm now giving it back to you so you owe me, Toine. Buy me a drink so we could be even."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

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