Emma's POV

I walked in behind Becky into the big house. People everywhere, dancing, talking, making out, drinking. Its hard to think that I used to like going to parties.

I used to spend my nights reading books, especially when I didn't want to overthink and be left alone with my thoughts, but over time, I realized reading didn't help much, I couldn't focus on what I was reading and always found myself reading the same page over and over several times, because I couldn't focus on or remember what the hell I was reading.

So then, I guess I started spending my nights, out partying and getting drunk- at least until... I burnt down Brendon's house. I was too scared to go to parties after that, imagine what else I could do while drunk.

That's also why I promised myself I won't drink tonight, I already had a slight hangover from last night anyway. "I'll go get drinks, call me if you need me" Becky said, waving and walking away towards the kitchen.

I pushed through the crowd and headed for the stairs. Closing the bathroom door behind me, I locked it and sat down in the empty tub, and pulled out my cigarette box and lighter. I put the cigarette between my lips and inhaled, instantly relaxing as I leaned back in the tub, with my head on the edge, staring up at the ceiling.

I exhaled the smoke and watched it diffuse into the air. I liked watching the smoke slowly disappear, it was nice for some reason.

Staring at the ceiling, I listened to the loud, yet faint music coming from downstairs.

I wonder if my mom felt this way. The same way I felt. Maybe she loved and read books for the same reasons I did. To distract myself. To keep myself busy.

I don't understand to be entirely honest. I remember I was inconsolable after I found out about exactly how my mom died. Slowly that feeling of sadness turned to anger, I had the audacity to say that she was selfish, that she shouldn't have died when she had a loving husband, family, and so on. I was mad that she left me here. I remember yelling into my pillow, mad at my mom for being so selfish...

My eyes were blurred with tears.

Then I remember stopping. I stared at the wall for who knows how long, and suddenly the anger turned to guilt. It felt as if it was my fault. I was sure my dad made her extremely happy. I was the problem. It was all my fault. Maybe if I hadn't been born, if I hadn't bothered my mom so much, she would still have been alive. I still haven't fully adjusted the fact that my mom died from suicide, there had to be a mistake, it didn't make any sense to be honest. 

But once again, I was extremely young, maybe her 'fake' smiles and laughs fooled me, along with everyone else...

I hit the side of the tub. I hated myself. I didn't want to be me. I wasn't good enough and was just a bother to everyone.

I failed at being a daughter, a sister, friend, best friend, student, girlfriend (although I don't want to date Jesse). I failed at being me.

Someone banging on the bathroom door as I groaned, rolling my eyes. "One second" I shouted, and stepped out of the tub, looking at the mirror for a split second then walking out. 2 people were making out on the wall, next to the bathroom door as I gaged. "Okay. cool" I mumbled and walked down the hallway towards the stairs, trotting down with the cigarette between my lips.

I knew Becky was careful and all.. but what if she didn't care this time? What if she just drank on and on nonstop, just so she can get hella drunk and forget about Theo. "F*ck, what kind of sh*tty friend are you" I muttered under my breath, just then, I looked over the crowd and tried to spot Becky.

"Where could she be.." I mumbled biting my bottom lip. Just then, as if a ton of bricks just landed on my head, I knew where she was. I quickly spun around and darted up the stairs as fast as my legs could carry me.

How could I have been so stupid? I went back to the bathroom and they weren't there against the wall anymore, my eyes darted to the bathroom door that a shut. I tried to open the door and thankfully, it wasn't locked.

Becky and a random guy were making out and her top was off. I slapped my forehead and pulled the guy off of Becky and glared at him. "F*ck off" I said. "But-"

"Just leave! She doesn't actually want you" I said, pushing him out the bathroom door, and slamming it shut, then locking it. "W-why did you make him leave?" Becky slurred, as I sat her down after closing the toilet seat cover.

"Because you're drunk and I know you're going to regret it in the morning, especially adding the fact that you were going to f*ck in the bathroom with the door not locked, any other guy could've got in here too you know?" I said, knowing she isn't even understanding what I'm saying. "B-but he was cuteee" She said, as I grabbed her baby pink crop top and helped her put it on.

"No honey, yes, you can make out with whoever you want, but no going further than that" I said, helping her stand up. "What about you?" She asked. "What about me?" I asked raising my eyebrow. "Can I make out with you?" She asked, leaning in.

"How drunk are you?" I asked, sighing. "I'm not drunk, what are you talking about" She said, almost falling but I grabbed her arm to help her regain her balance. "Becky, how many drinks did you take?" I asked slowly. She held up her fingers and looked at them with frustration trying to count.

"Um.. 1,2,3, maybe- uh" She said, holding up 8 fingers. "I'm dizzy, why do I have 12 fingers on one hand?" She asked, suddenly pushing me aside and throwing up in the sink.

I held up her hair as she continued to vomit in the sink for the next minute or two. After she was done, she washed her mouth with water then I gave her a towel. "Thanks Emma" She mumbled.

"Don't mention it, now let's get you home" I said. "But noo, I want to go dance and drink" She said, trying to leave the bathroom. "No. we are going home now, end of discussion" I said, grabbing her arm and helping her out of the bathroom.

We walked down the stairs then out of the house before anyone could talk to us or anything. And of course, I held her arm all the way to the car, not wanting to lose her, because what kind of dumbass would leave a drunk person's arm without knowing they'll wander off somewhere else?

I helped Becky into the passenger's seat and I got into the driver's seat. Starting the engine, I gladly pulled out of where I parked and drove down the street, not looking back at the house.

....

My cheek throbbed in pain, as I put my hand on it. "Leave me alone" I said, backing away. I bent down, clutching my stomach as he punched me.

"I was right about you, you are a whore. You're mine, not Brendon's. Stay the hell away from him" Jesse yelled at me.

I gasped as he pushed me, making me slam into the wall. I slid down on the wall, holding my side.

"I wasn't even with Brendon, I was with Becky" I croaked, trying to slow my breathing because it hurt so much.

"That's bullsh*t" He yelled, making me flinch. "I'm sick of being a loyal boyfriend who has to deal with his sh*tty girlfriend who won't even try to be a good girlfriend" He said, punching the wall right next to my face.

I shut my eyes tightly, a couple moments later,I heard my bedroom door slam shut.
He was finally gone.

I slowly crawled to my bed and pulled myself up, holding onto the bed. Everything hurt.

Why did Jesse have to do this to me? I already hate and hurt myself, and he knows that. He doesn't have to freaking make me suffer even more.

Slowly making my way to the bathroom, I pushed the door open and looked at the mirror.

My bottom lip and nose was bleeding from the punches. I lifted up my shirt and found a few bruises on my torso at my ribs.

Pulling my shirt back down, I walked out of the bathroom and slowly walked back to my bed.

I laid down and pulled the covers on me and shut my eyes, hoping to get some sleep for school tomorrow. 

....

I stuffed my hands into the front pocket of my hoodie, but not before pulling the hood over my head. It was around 7 am in the morning, I still had an entire hour to wait until school was going to start.

I couldn't sleep again as usual. Thankfully with makeup, I managed to cover up my dark eyebags and the bruises so Becky or Levi wouldn't ask questions. I pulled out my pack of cigarettes, taking one out, along with my lighter.

Putting the killing thing between my lips, I lit it and inhaled the smoke.  Putting my free hand back in the pocket. The song Medusa by Kailee Morgue blared into my ears, as I bobbed my head to the beat.  I increased the volume, desperate to block out the voices and thoughts. 

I tried to walk slowly and make sure I don't make sudden moves because my entire body hurt.

I should probably text Jason or call him, so I can ask about you know, Theo. I was pretty confused, I really thought Theo really loved Becky. Everyone was convinced that he was, but I guess he isn't then.

Although, Jason might not even know or have nothing to do with this, but it still won't hurt to ask I guess.

Arriving at the school's gate, I dropped my second cigarette on the ground and crushed it with my foot. I put both my hands in the pocket of my hoodie and walked into the school, heading straight to homeroom.

No one was around, maybe just the janitor but he was nowhere to be found. My footsteps echoed throughout the hallways, like in that creepy type of footstep sounds in horror movies.

I finally got to the classroom and pushed the door open and walked in, flicking the lights on and moving to the back of the class, next to the window. Dropping my bag on the floor next to me, I plopped down on the seat and looked out the window. 

My head shot up as I heard the bell ring loudly, I rubbed my eyes as students started to pile into the classroom, I must have fallen asleep.

Brendon walked in and took a seat next to me. "Hey" Brendon said. "Hey.." I mumbled. "Something wrong?" He asked. "Nope, everything's okay" I said, flashing him a fake smile then looking out the window. 

The day flew by quickly and soon it was finally time I could get out of hell- I mean school. Thankfully I didn't see Jesse anywhere- he probably hadn't come to school today.

I held my side, flinching in pain as I continued to walk towards my lighthouse. I was planning on calling Jason and talk to him over the phone while I sat there. 

Sitting down carefully on a beanbag, I fished out my phone and called Jason. I pressed the phone against my ear as I waited for him to answer. "Hello?" Jason said. 

"Hey, how are you?" I asked, pulling the phone away from my ear and putting it on speaker. "I'm doing decent, how are you Emma?" He asked. "I'm fine, I just called to ask like um-" I quickly tried to continue so he wouldn't ask whether I'm lying about being 'fine'.

But then suddenly I didn't know how to say anything. How was I even going to ask him?

"Emma? You okay?" Jason asked as I snapped back into reality. "Yeah, yeah sorry just thinking for a second" I mumbled. "So what did you want to ask me?" He asked. "Well, I don't really know how exactly I'm going to ask but like you know who Theo is right?" I asked. 

"Yup, I do know him, why?" He asked. "Well okay so his gi- ex-girlfriend is my best friend and apparently he broke up with her over text, without any explanation and like I don't really know like now thinking about it, its kind of stupid of me to ask you, like you might not even care, but do you know why he might have broken up with Becky?" I said, realizing I wasn't making any sense and I was going on rambling again. 

"Oh, uh well I'll be honest- I do know, but I think it's best if he told her himself" Jason said. "But Theo doesn't want to talk to Becky- or does he?" I asked. "He does, he told me that he would explain everything, he just needed some time" He said. "Oh alright- to be honest, I really thought he loved Becky" I said, watching the waves. "I know, I thought so too, he does really like her it's just.." He stopped there. "Its just.. what?" I asked curiously. "Ugh Theo is going to tell Becky himself soon, then you'll find out Emma" He said. "But ugh- alright thanks anyway" I said. 

"Sorry Emma, I promised to keep it a secret and as you know I hate breaking promises. I never have and never will in the future" He said. "Yeah, it's cool don't worry about it" I said chuckling.  

Jason and I ended up talking for an hour or two until he had to leave and take a nap so he can stay awake during his night shift. I sat in the lighthouse for a while longer before getting up to head home.

As I walked towards the porch, I noticed Jesse was sitting there. My heart started beating faster as I thought of the million horrible things he might do to me. "Hey" I mumbled, walking up the porch and unlocking the front door. Jesse walked in behind me and closed the door. My dad was sitting in the living room watching tv. 

"Hey dad" I said. "Hey sweetie, how was school?" He asked. "It was fine" I said, walking upstairs to my room, knowing Jesse is walking up behind me after saying hi to my dad. "So why did you come over?" I asked. "Just came to talk to you" He said. "Okay, about?" He asked. 

"Hey guys, I'm going to head out to the store and be back soon!" I heard my dad yell from downstairs then the front door shut. "Yeah well look, I'm sorry. I- ugh alright look, I have BPD, and I know I don't have the right to blame my illness for everything I've done to you but yeah, I guess what I'm trying to say is sorry" He said. I almost burst out laughing.

Is he dumb?

"What does you having borderline personality disorder have anything to do with you tormenting me for the past years?" I asked, not giving a sh*t whether he expected a different answer or not because if he thought he could just say sorry and everything is going to be okay- not to mention this is the second time for f*cks sake- he is crazy.

"You see, having BPD, I  struggle with intense anger and short temper. I can't control what I do especially when I am upset, and the thing is, I get triggered really easily by the smallest dumbest things ever- thanks to paranoia and the dumb suspicious thoughts I have. I never really mean to hurt others or get angry at them, I'm almost always mad at myself. I hate myself. I don't even know who I am. I have this stupid chronic feeling of emptiness and have tried to like I don't know, fill the emptiness with drugs, sex, and so on, but nothing seemed to work. I realized as time passed, as messed up as it is, seeing you in pain, watching you suffer gave me comfort. It's like I'm trying to breathe and seeing you in pain gives me oxygen you know? But even then, every time I hurt you- physically or emotionally, I hated myself even more and I- I just punish myself I guess. I know I've lied alot but believe it or not, every single time I did something to you, I did something to myself." He said. 

He lifted up his sleeves, revealing extreme and deep scars that were all over his arms, all the way up to his biceps. He then lifted up his shorts, showing me all the scars and burn scars on his thighs.  My lips parted as I tried to find the words to talk.

Although I was mad at him and still hated him, deep down a  little voice told me it was my fault he hurt himself so much.

"When I left a year ago, I couldn't really feel anything at all. I was just plain numb and empty. Hurting you.. somehow it makes me feel. It makes me feel like I have power. And this might sound stupid but by making you date me,  I know I'm never going to lose you, you're mine forever. Also, I know better than to completely fall in love with you, I want to hurt you and ruin you until you completely despise me so I can push you away while at the same time have you. That way-" He tried to continue.

"No, just no stop" I said, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath and opening them again. "You can't just do that. You can't hurt me claiming it makes you feel or fills your hole or whatever. I'm sorry you have to go through that sh*t and self-harm but you know? How about you don't hurt me, then you wouldn't hurt yourself either" I said, trying to keep my voice under control.  

"You don't care at all do you, do you know how hard it was to push aside my pride and tell you all that?" He suddenly yelled. "No- I never said I don't care, but you know you should shut up because its not like you give a damn f*ck about me" I yelled back. Jesse stared at me for a second. "But I do.. a little too much" He mumbled. "Well I don't know what your definition of 'caring' is but hurting the ones you care about isn't f*cking right or 'caring' about them" I said.

"No, if I didn't care about you, I would have killed you already" He said as my breath hitched. "No Jesse, if you cared you wouldn't hurt me. You're doing all that f*cked up sh*t to me because without me, it's like you're going to die of starvation. You're so freaking malicious, you like survive and feed off of my suffering and fear. So no Jesse, you don't care about me, you're just using me to make you feel like you're someone and that is just so f*cked up, why won't you just try to get treatment and heal in another way because this is clearly not helping you, stating the fact that it's been more than 3 years since you've started torturing me" I yelled.

Jesse stayed silent. "You know what? You're right. I love seeing you in pain, and there is nothing either of us can do about it. But also we both know you deserve everything I do to you. You don't even deserve to be alive b*tch, I don't know why you haven't gone and killed yourself already, you're even more stupid than I thought if you're thinking things are going to get better because no, it's not. You're a horrible person, first pushing your mom to kill herself, then making your dad work hours and hours a day just so you can have a decent future that you'll definitely f*ck up in the end, dragging your 'friends' into your mess- you do know they just pity you right? They don't actually want to be your friend or care about you. You're nothing." He said, pushing me back as I tripped and fell, hitting my head on the edge of my bed. 

"Jesse just leave me alone please" I mumbled, as tears started pouring down my cheeks. "Oh and how could I forget? The dumb self-harming b*tch also is a murderer. You should be grateful I haven't told anyone about you murdering Brendon's dad! It was your fault, you started the fire, and he died, you don't deserve to be alive." He yelled kicking my leg.  

Just then, my bedroom door flew open. I looked up and all the blood drained from my face when I found myself staring back at the boy with blue eyes.

Brendon heard.

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hey everyone! I'm finally done with this extra long chapter. I thought I would have time to write a lot during my winter break but figures I didn't. I'm sorry. I hope y'all had a good break and started school off good as well! 

Hope you guys liked this chapter!

Vote and Comment!

-Sarah