"It's astronomy, we're two worlds apart."

–Astronomy, Conan Gray

M A R K 

I felt so fucking useless. Numb. Empty.

I was stuck.

Because one second I thought I was getting used to not having her around––it had been a few days––the next I was staring at her as I struggled to control my racing heart, fuzzy brain, and the thoughts that ran through my mind when we met at the beach.

The scariest thing I'd ever felt was knowing that my life would never be the same without her. Dying would be easier than not having Tanni's snarky smile, and annoying sarcasm, and her laugh and her tears and just her in my life.

That thought alone was terrifying. It was mind-numbingly scary how someone who has no significance in your life could become the bane of your existence practically overnight. Even if I hadn't noticed it at first.

Another thing that was on my mind was how Tanni was shoving paper into a tree when I found her. I mean, I know it's sad people are chopping down trees to make paper––but I don't think pushing paper into one's gonna return it to how it was before.

But this was Tanni we were talking about, so I wasn't surprised.

I slumped down against the said tree, once she'd left, closing my eyes and tilting my head up towards the sun, allowing its rays to shine down on me, hoping for at least some warmth. It was unusually sunny for an early December morning, although it was freezing cold.

All of a sudden, something decided to fall on my face.

"Ouch," I mumbled––although it didn't even hurt––opening my eyes to examine my attacker.

It was notebook paper, similar to the notes I'd collected earlier. But this one was blank, with no writing. No mysterious quotes. Nada.

Shrugging it off, I decided to go on a walk. Nico was still at his session with Harper––I assumed––and Amira was either at the library, or in her room; so there was no chance of either of them bumping into me and asking me 'Are you okay?' for the twentieth time that day.

In case you were wondering, I was not fucking okay.

Glad we've cleared that up.

♡♡♡

"She's not herself," Amira whispered as I walked past the grounds.

"I know, Mark's been acting weird too," Nico's hushed voice whispered back.

"Do either of you have any idea what happened?" I saw Harper sign out of the corner of my eye.

They were talking about us.

I slipped past them silently, and hid behind a door. I didn't leave, however––I left it open a little and peeked through. And before you come at me, you would've done the same if you'd heard your friends talking about you. So, shut up.

"Well, they were both doing great on Mark's birthday," Nico said, "seriously, I haven't seen him that smiley in a while." His voice softened at that.

"It could've been what Giles did at the Ball," Harper suggested.

"Yeah, but does that explain why Mark and Tanni seem like they're avoiding each other when a few weeks ago they spent almost all of their time together?" Amira sighed.

"They both look heartbroken," Nico mumbled, "I haven't been this worried about someone since––?" he paused, and didn't complete his sentence.

Harper came to his rescue. "Since Mark and Tanni got caught in that fire," she signed before she awkwardly began pulling on her sleeves. I saw Nico do the same––and I walked away, unable to listen to any more of the conversation.

They were all worried about us. That hurt so much. It hurt to know that my friends were suffering because of my problems, they didn't deserve that.

No one deserved to spare me any thought. I wasn't worth their time.

"You won't remember, you'll be worthless. No one will care... no one ever did."

What if they found out I couldn't remember? Would they still care? Would Nico still worry? Would Amira offer me some of her breakfast every morning? Would Harper always make sure I was sleeping enough? Would anyone be there for me other than me?

And would Tanni care about me? If she even did in the first place?

I tried not to let those questions rip my heart out...

♡♡♡

The rest of the day dragged by slower than any day had gone by in my entire life. Well, by my entire life, I meant three years.

Before I knew it, it was midnight. and everyone was asleep. Nico, Amira, and I watched a horror film (our Sunday night tradition) in the library––which is always empty at night. It usually left us exhausted on Monday mornings, since none of us would be able to fall asleep, due to fear. But that night, I felt so detached from reality that it didn't feel the same as usual. Everyone was too sad to be scared enough. So, making sure not to wake up Nico, I pulled on a hoodie over my pyjamas and headed outside.

And once I was outside, in the chilly breeze, a small voice echoed in my mind.

"To the graveyard," it whispered.

I froze, and not just from the cold.

"To the graveyard," I muttered under my breath.

And that's where I went.

♡♡♡

Reaching the graveyard was a strangely surreal event. A dozen images flashed through my mind from the night I'd gone there with Tanni, to visit James. But I also felt like I belonged there.

Not belonging as in dead and underground. I meant that I felt like I should be visiting someone.

I allowed my feet to take me around the cemetery, with no certain knowledge of where to go or to whom I was going. My eyes slowly scanned the names on the headstones, and when I could, I picked a few flowers for the people with not many gifts or someone who remembered to leave them something.

Everyone deserves someone to remember them. I was willing to be that someone for a million people if I could.

Just as I was bending down to leave a small rose on a grave, I recognised the name.

Elias Evans.

I didn't just recognise the name, it was so much more. And when I realised what it meant, everything clicked.

Eilias Evans.

Beloved father of Mark Evans––test subject 1 and the creator of abilities.

Holy shit.

No.

It couldn't be.

My name was Mark Evans. My surname was Evans.

I knew something.

Unfortunately, my excitement and victory didn't last long.

Test subject 1 and the creator of abilities.

The first thought I had when I saw that was, "What?".

Then everything came crashing down.

My head was spinning, my stomach churned, it began to thunder, lightning, and rain. A thousand memories flashed through my mind. Scientists, doctors, experiments, dirty streets, blurry faces, emotions I didn't know existed. Shame, guilt, confusion, sorrow, excitement, success, a broken mind. Everything was everywhere. Nothing was organised. My mind had lost itself. I was rambling on about how I didn't remember I didn't remember I didn't remember.

I had lost myself.

I didn't even have time to process what I was remembering, I didn't have time to know myself, let alone notice that someone was beside me the whole time, reading exactly what I was reading.

"Mark?" she whispered weakly. I snapped my head back so hard, I almost broke my neck.

Tanni was standing there. No one would have been able to read the expression on her face. She looked scared, hurt, and confused. But she didn't just look scared.

She looked scared of me.

I could visibly see something draining away from her eyes, a certain glint that she had. Happiness and comfort that were usually masked by her hesitancy.

That happiness and comfort disappeared. The trust disappeared. It looked like the love had been sucked out of her when she saw my name on the headstone.

It all disappeared.

And it wasn't long before she disappeared too. Before she left me standing all alone in the pouring rain, feeling helpless, lost, and demented. Nothing felt right.

Nothing was right.

Feeling the world go dark around me as I collapsed to the ground would have been the least terrible part of that night.