"How dare you think it's romantic? Leaving me safe and stranded."

–Down Bad, Taylor Swift

T A N N I 

The Earth should just swallow me up already. I hated myself so much.

The helpless look in Mark's eyes when I walked away from him...That broke me into a million pieces, it did. Everything inside me shattered; it was as though every good thing about me had disappeared, replaced by the vile fact that I'd hurt and abandoned one of the only people that truly cared about me.

Just like James had done to me. I think that's what made me do it, leave Mark alone like that.

James.

Seeing his life in pictures, on film, messed me up in the head. My brother had a life here, happier than he ever was with me. And the second he saw me, it was all stripped away from him. I took him away from his friends, his friends who were more of a family to him than I could have been. Thomas and Atlas were probably still out there, somewhere, grieving my brother's loss all these years.

I wondered if they knew it was his sister's fault. I wondered if they knew they ended up meaning more to him than I did.

Because let's be honest here, who would choose Tanni Evelyn? No one ever did. Not my parents. James found better people. Even Harper deserved someone else.

Losing someone else wasn't a risk I could take. No, no. Mark's life wouldn't be destroyed because of my recklessness, because of the sheer hope that I could find comfort with other people.

Not him.

I cared about that boy more than anyone could have bargained for. Not being around him hurt more than the days we were forced to spend time together––back when his presence was the biggest burden. Pain overwhelmed me whenever Mark crossed my already bustling brain. The poisonous thoughts and never-ending anxiety in my mind's eye now had his kind smile and bright eyes as regular visitors. And when I did see him around, it felt like a stab in the chest. The wounds were ones of excruciatingly sweet memories. It had been about a couple of days since the ball and the memories from that night made me want to smile, blush, scream, and cry all at once.

I thought love was supposed to be a good thing...

I didn't know it was supposed to be this painful.

So, that's the story of how I left. Ran. Bolted. We could say I did it to protect him, or myself, or everyone else from harm. In the end, it didn't matter what the reason was, as long as I never had to relive James all over again.

Distancing yourself. What's the worst that could happen?

♡♡♡

"Tanni," Amira whispered from beside me. Most of my time during lessons––which I had almost been inclined to skip, if it weren't for exams––had been spent with her over the past couple of weeks, as Harper and Nico were catching up.

Ami was a great friend, but really did miss Harper. She deserved some time to hang out with her brother though. And I knew for a fact that Mark and Amira didn't know about Harper and Nico yet. Nico told me that he was waiting for the right time to tell them.

I didn't blame him for that, it must have been horrible––feeling like a part of your memory was missing, but you couldn't put a finger on it.

"Yeah?" I struggled to plaster a smile on my face for the girl beside me.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Amira frowned, "you can talk to me, you know?"

"I'm fine," I said.

"No, you're not. You and Mark both, he's been acting so weird for a while now," she shook her head.

"I'm fine, Amira," I lied, "I don't know what's up with Mark, he's probably just tired or something."

"Hello? Is this Tanni I'm talking to?" Ami waved a hand in front of my face. "The one who would rush to anyone's side if they were hurt? What's up with you?"

"It's nothing," I shook my head. "I'm just a little tired, like I said. Mark is likely still shaken up after Giles spiked the drinks. And probably exhausted. We've been working hard on the abilities project. "

Now that was a lie. We spent all of the ability research lessons listening to music and reading.

The worst and best part was that he was reading the books I chose for him, and I was listening to his song.

Even when we weren't talking, we found each other in everything. Or at least, I found him. I'd listened to his song about fifty times a day––probably more––as a way to fill the void in my heart. I'd also finished reading all the Shakespeare plays he'd given me, even if they had gotten a little boring. It was worth it, though. Anything would have been worth it for Mark.

Amira's face scrunched up when I mentioned Giles. And I didn't even have to try to smile when the memory of her slapping him across the face, Harper kneeing him in the crotch, and the two of them yelling at him while Nico hid the rest of his drinks crossed my mind.

"Yeah, that asshole won't be coming near anyone again," she assured me, supposedly forgetting about our original conversation.

Before I could reply to her, my recently-unreliable mind remembered something that would soothe me a little.

I needed to write another note.

"Amira, I––uh, I need to go do something," I said, standing up all of a sudden, knocking all of my textbooks to the floor.

Ami narrowed her eyes, looking up from her book––but didn't say anything. She only nodded and threw me a bar of chocolate. Gratefully, I gave her an appreciative wave as I walked off.

To the beach. Ready to write a second note for Mark.

♡♡♡

Once I'd arrived at the beach, my eyes fell upon the tree which I used to carve names upon.

Funny how I'd touched Mark so much over the past month and only one note had been written. Guess I must have put too much trust in myself when nothing happened all those times I'd touched him.

I was never making that mistake again.

The danger of putting too much trust in myself outweighed the positives.

Kneeling down in front of the tree, directly in front of Mark's carved name––I pulled out my notebook and scribbled out a new note, this time it was very different from the last. Especially when it got to the opinion part.

'I almost killed a boy...again. Or maybe not, I don't even know.'

Description– Wavy, brown hair. Pale skin, super tall. He looks GREAT in a suit. And he's kinda cute, especially when he smiles. He has a caring look in his eyes.

Opinion– He's annoying as hell, but he knows how to show care. A good...friend.

AWWC Quote/s–

"I care about you! Why can't you see that? All the hurt I've caused is because I love you."

"All the hurt I've caused is because I love you."

I never understood what that quote meant, until I related. My gaze fell upon the carving of the boy's name, on the tree bark. It was surreal to remember how much resentment I had felt towards him at the time. So much could change in such a short amount of time.

Funny how shared experiences and blind hatred could bring two people together so easily, without them even realising it.

"I'm sorry, Mark. I'm truly sorry," I whispered, as I folded up the note and placed it inside a little hole in the tree. There were other notes in there too, as well as something else. Something that I tried to not think about. Ever.

Suddenly, a branch snapped behind me. I snapped my head back to look––my heart paced with fear, and it raced even more when I realised who was behind me.

"Sorry," Mark cleared his throat, rubbing his neck awkwardly. "I came out here for some, uh––fresh air, I didn't realise you were here. I'll just...go." He turned on his heel and ended up walking straight into another tree. "Again?" he cursed to himself, and I had to remind myself that I was avoiding him and could not laugh.

"Mhm," I mumbled, acting as though nothing comical had just happened, "sorry, I was just going back anyway."

"Yeah," he bounced on the balls of his feet, looking like he wanted to say something else. But he didn't speak, instead he just rubbed his nose where he'd hurt it, wincing in pain––and I found myself wishing he would talk just to ease the tension. He always knew what to say in situations like these. But Mark only directed his gaze downwards. His eyes flicked up every few seconds to look at me, and every time he did, a faint blush spread across his cheeks. There was no denying it, he probably thought of me the same way I thought of him.

But it couldn't be that way. You can't love someone you don't trust.

And it's not possible to trust me.

It's just not possible.

a/n – don't cry don't cry don't cry...