"But if you ever think you got it wrong,

I'm right where you left me."

–right where you left me, Taylor Swift

M A R K

Sometimes acting like you don't care is a lot easier than showing how much it's really affecting you.

I think that's what I did with Tanni.

This damn girl had stumbled into me that one night, with her infuriating remarks and deep brown eyes that made me want to cry...And oh god, I knew I was a goner the second she began yelling at me; I just kept denying it.

And so the easiest way to deal with it was to just pretend not to care. As if I didn't notice when she was upset, when she didn't feel like eating, if she wasn't sleeping enough. As if I didn't notice how when she laughs, it makes everyone feel warm and fuzzy because when Tanni was happy, it was as if the entire room was bathed in sunlight. The way she holds herself, when she looks so immersed in something, when she's making art or telling a joke or just being herself.

All this time I'd lied to myself and said I didn't notice any of it. When in reality, it was the reason I woke up every morning. When it was the reason I'd begun to appreciate the fact that I was making memories, rather than finding them.

She was the reason.

She had also left me alone in the library. That unfortunate event resulted in me running around the school like a headless chicken at six in the morning.

"No no no no," I muttered to myself, anxiety making its way into my words, "have you seen Tanni?" I asked a guy walking past me. All that was given to me was a confused look. "Right, sorry," I whispered an apology and continued on my way.

"I hate you so much right now, Arsonist," I kicked the wall angrily, letting out a string of curses and complaining as though she was right in front of me.

Which she was. Her eyes widened with fear as she saw me and she spun on her heel, beginning to walk in the opposite direction.

"Hey!" I broke out in a sprint to catch up with her. "Hey, hey, Arsonist." She turned to look at me.

"What is it?" She sounded feeble and vulnerable. Unlike she'd ever allowed herself to be before.

"You––you scared the hell out of me," I fumbled over my words, "what happened? I—I've been looking everywhere. Are you okay?"

All I received in return for my heartfelt confession was a blank stare.

"I'm fine," the girl before me said definitely, "I'm okay, you should probably go find Nico and Amira. They'll be worried about you after what happened last night."

"Last night?" my head pounded as I began to recall the previous day's events. I was still close to throwing up, due to the hangover.

"Yeah," she said, her eyes glistening with tears now, "look, about that. It was fun, you were great. Seriously. But, I, er...it might be best for us to go back to how things were. You've done your part of the project and I've done mine. All we need to do is present and we're finished."

"What are you talking about?"

She sucked in a breath, her face struggling to remain emotionless. "I mean, we weren't ever friends to begin with. We're partners for the project and that was really it. We enjoyed ourselves, really. I just think that we can go back to just being classmates."

"What?" I repeated, my voice was higher than usual. Surely, I was hearing things?

"I can't afford to lose anyone else, Mark," she'd completely lost her cool demeanour now, her lower lip wobbled as tears welled up in her eyes. "Not you."

"Tanni––," I reached out for her...But she'd turned the other way once more.

I never really understood what it meant to 'leave someone stranded', but I think I had just experienced the receiving end of it.

Before I knew it, I was leaning against the tree at the beach. The same one I was next to when Tanni and I had camped out there in our little blanket forts.

Here was the problem. For the past few days, I'd found that everything reminded me of her. And I had gotten so used to her presence that even the mere thought of spending time without her around was agony.

The fact that she'd chosen to stay away from me made it worse.

Maybe it was for the best. I mean, she put so much trust into me and I was over here lying to her face. Guilt consumed me and it wasn't long before it was the only emotion I could feel. Besides my longing to talk to Tanni––but we're gonna ignore that.

Caring this much about her hurt so much more than I thought it would.

Her presence lit up my world, snatched the dull grey of my life and turned it into a waterfall of euphoric colour. She emitted warmth and sunlight; my beacon of hope for love.

But now...Now that sunlight was merely a cloudy sky on an ordinary day. The sparks and fireworks that ignited within me whenever she looked my way were now subdued flames. The wonderful, enlightening colours she painted my world with had washed away. And all because she didn't want to speak to me. But despite that, I still cared about her.

I should have listened to myself...Nothing good ever lasts.