"I don't like that falling feels like flying 'till the bone crush."

–gold rush, Taylor Swift

M A R K

"PAY UP," Nico yelled in excitement as soon as I trudged through the library doors, my hair wet and tangled from the rain. "I told you he'd be grinning like an idiot when he got back!"

Begrudgingly, Amira handed over a bar of chocolate. However, she immediately brightened up when she saw me. "How was your night out?" she asked, looking up from her mountain of textbooks.

"Would have gone better if you didn't set us up," I said, fighting the smile that was very clearly forming on my face.

"Worked though, didn't it?" Nico said, happily, "you look like you got some actual work done!"

"Sure," I said sarcastically, sitting down on a beanbag near them. The clock on the wall said it was almost midnight; Tanni and I got back way past curfew.

"Well?" Nico raised an eyebrow expectantly. "Did you guys get along? Or did she try to kill you?"

"It went––," I paused, unsure on which words would be best to describe the evening's events, "it went fine."

Wow, Mark. I thought to myself. That's so descriptive.

"Can I run and steal some stuff from the kitchen?" Nico interrupted, "we need snacks and drinks while you tell us exactly what went on."

"You'll get caught," Amira teased in a sing-song voice, leaning so far forward to read her book that her nose must have been touching the pages.

"I'm literally best friends with the chef," Nico said, "and take a break, Ami. Your test isn't until tomorrow afternoon."

"If I don't manage to finish the paper feeling good about my answers, it will be the end of me," Amira whispered.

"Dramatic much?" Nico snorted. He held his hand out in my direction.

"Do you want me to hold your hand, or do you just need a scrunchie?" I asked, hesitantly. With Nico, I could never tell.

"Both, if you like," he waggled his eyebrows at me. I rolled my eyes and took that to mean he wanted something to tie his hair back. I pulled Nico's scrunchie off my wrist and threw it at him. He caught it deftly and tied his hair into a low ponytail, as if he was about to embark on the quest of a lifetime. The bobble turned a light shade of green to match his hair. I grinned, green meant he was having a good day, and I hadn't seen the colour in a while.

"Right!" he declared, "I shall run and get us some champagne and dessert." And with that, he ran out of the library.

"Did he just say champagne?" I laughed.

"He lives to surprise us," Amira shrugged. We both looked at each other in amusement. There were other students in the library tonight, most of them revising for upcoming exams, like Ami. After taking one look at how stressed her expression was, I stole the book out of her hands and slammed it shut.

"What was that for?" she whined, "you lost my page!"

"Take a break," I said, "what's up?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what's up? I haven't properly spoken to you in ages," I said.

"Nothing," she said, in a disgruntled voice, snatching back her book, "just the stupid loss of control I'm feeling, and that's just something I'll get over."

"What loss of control?" I frowned. Amira sighed, put her things down on the table and lowered her voice to a whisper.

"Do you ever feel like everyone else is deciding your life for you? Like, the school has given us such limited options for our futures, we have our days and months and years planned out for us. All I want is to feel some sense of freedom and control over my own life––what with after all the restrictions during the war and now the school." She looked down after her little rant, tears shining in her deep brown eyes.

Quite honestly? I'd never really thought about that before Amira mentioned it. But she was right, our entire lives were set in stone and we had very little control over it.

"I guess so," I mumbled, "but you've been working on that, right? Controlling the controllables."

Amira tilted her head, giving me a look of confusion,

"You're not exactly subtle," I grinned. She opened her mouth, as if to say something else––but that's when Nico walked in, bearing food and drinks.

"I'M BAAAAAACKKK!!!" he hollered, earning himself several loud 'shushes' from many people.

"I'm back," he whispered in a lower voice. He dropped three chocolate bars and a bag of cookies on the table. He then silently pulled out three champagne glasses and quietly poured apple juice into them.

"Nico, it's apple juice, not drugs," I laughed, as he handed the cups to me and Ami under the table, struggling to be discreet.

"Shut up, Mark. Now spill, what happened while you were out?"

"Well," I started, "it didn't start off too well, because you set us up."

They both looked down sheepishly at that, and I made a mental note to annoy them about it later.

"Continue," Nico whispered, getting invested in the story.

So I told them everything. Well, everything except the handholding and her brother.

"And you bought her books? And music?" Amira whispered in awe. I nodded slowly and her mouth fell open in shock. "Mark! She's probably in love with you now," she laughed.

"Hey, where did that come from?" I said, "who said anything about being in love? It was only a quick visit to the shops and park."

Both my friends gave each other pointed looks, like they knew something I didn't. And maybe they did—but what happened that day with me and Tanni wasn't love or whatever they were talking about.

We were just working on a project.

"Markaroo," Nico chirped up, "if there's anything we know about you, it's that you don't hate her."

He wasn't wrong there, I didn't hate Tanni. That day, she'd revealed a softer, happier side to her personality. She wasn't yelling, or being annoying and sarcastic––well maybe a little. But something that really stood out to me was just how kind she was. So scared that she was bothering me, going out of her way to help people who needed it while we were out, and so much more. It was almost as if she was afraid of disapproval, what with her excessive apologising for talking too much or opening up.

So, no, I didn't hate her, not even dislike her. She was merely a person, just like everyone else. Another person from whom I would conceal my secrets.

But I did plan to stay true to my promise. And I did, in a way; I gave her my song.

No one else knew it existed, because I wrote that song a few weeks after the fact that I couldn't remember had sunk in. Music was a part of me now; it was my only way to express my confusion about who I am. And that was the problem, I had no idea who I was. How was one supposed to define themselves when they had no experiences to look back on, how did they know what made them them?

I didn't know.

Suddenly, Nico decided to interrupt my train of thought with a loud yawn.

"I'm gonna go to bed," he mumbled tiredly. That was me and Amira's cue to yawn too.

"Yeah, I'll see you guys tomorrow," Amira said drowsily, "sleep well." She looked at Nico as she spoke, and even though it was too dark to see, I could tell that he was blushing—in his face and hair.

"See you," I said, as she walked out of the open door. Nico got up behind her and I followed along.

Once we were back in our dorm room, Nico ran towards his bed, supposedly having seen something.

"Who left these here?" He held up a vinyl and a handwritten letter. He also also picked up a children's book, which appeared to have been annotated.

"Don't ask me," I shrugged and took a closer look at the record. "Hey is that––"

"ABBA," Nico finished my sentence for me, "it's weird because they don't sell these records anymore, and no one but you and Amira know it's my favourite band. I haven't had one of these since I was a kid."

"It looks pretty old as well," I said, "what about the letter? What does it say?"

"Dunno, it looks like it was scrawled by a four year old," Nico replied. He took all the newly found things and placed them on his desk, a look of pure confusion painting his features for the rest of the night.

I made my way to my own desk, about to grab my headphones...But that's when I noticed the novel that had been sitting there for weeks. It was A World Without Colour. And although I had vowed not to read it, it might prove useful in the project...

To sum everything up, I started and finished the book that night––so thank goodness it was a Sunday the next day, otherwise I would have fallen asleep in class, as usual.

And I only had one thought after I finished the book.

It reminded me of Tanni. Very much.

And not just because she was the one who'd given it to me, but because of her personality. Her anger and her kindness, tears, laughter, her beautiful beautiful smile. Of the strange comfort I'd begun to feel around her and how she felt like family despite me trying to deny it over and over again.

Just...Tanni.

♡♡♡

The next morning, I left a note in front of her door, along with the book.

Couldn't get myself to read it. Sorry not sorry, Arsonist.

––Book-burner :)

♡♡♡

"Ok, but what if she hates me?" I asked, apprehensively, "What then?"

"Mark, why are you asking me this?" Aurora tilted her head in confusion. "This sounds more like you're asking me for relationship advice than about abilities," she laughed.

"Sorry," I grinned awkwardly, "got sidetracked. Anyway, do you feel like your ability is an important part of your identity?"

I did stay true to my word about reading books and looking through records for the 'ability project', but I also figured that interviewing others about their abilities (and about other stuff) wouldn't hurt.

"Thanks, Rora!" I said happily after she finished answering my questions.

"No problem," she said, "do you mind if I ask you a question, though?"

"Fire away," I said, shoving the notebook into my bag.

"Who were you talking about, when you were asking about getting someone to open up to you?"

I swallowed nervously. "I––um, no one in particular. I just figured that since you're an empath, you might have some experiences with understanding other people's emotions and how to talk to them about it," I lied.

"Yeah, okay," she rolled her eyes, slinging her bag over her shoulder as she pulled her long, white-blonde hair out of her hoodie. "See ya."

"See you," I began to turn away.

"Oh, and Mark," she called out, "She doesn't hate you!"

My feet decided to develop a brain of their own and suddenly stop, which resulted in me tripping over them.

Great. Just great.

Pushing Aurora's last words out of my mind, I focused on getting to class. Maybe it would be best to put the interviews on hold for a bit. If I were being honest, the main reason I'd been asking people for advice and using the abilities project as a mask was because I was worried about Tanni. It was difficult not to notice that she was constantly skipping meals, not sleeping properly, and having regular panic attacks. No one else around me seemed to care much, or pay attention to it. The way Tanni would lie through her teeth to the rest of our friends and say 'oh I'll eat back at the dorms' or 'I woke up early and had a huge breakfast' and would often wander around the corridors at 3am and I could hear her sit down in front of my room every night and write. The recognisable scratch of her pen, a speed that only Tanni Evelyn writes in, and how she'd whisper to herself when she was thinking aloud. The way she'd leave our abilities class almost every day and say she needed to go to the bathroom, but I could see the shake of her hands and the distant, disassociated look on her face, like she was in a daze.

My biggest fear was that I'd forever be the only observer, without at least trying to help. My conscience would kill me. That, and I undoubtedly cared very much about Tanni and her wellbeing, no matter how much I tried to deny it.

I tried not to stare as I saw her laughing with Harper on their way to class. She looked happy today, happier than usual. I let out a sigh of relief as I walked into the classroom behind them.

That's when everything went downhill. I'd barely stepped foot into the classroom when the disgusting scene of the most idiotic girls in the glass bullying Harper took place.

"Whoops," Celeste grinned, as she knocked Harper's things on the floor. "I guess you should listen out for people passing by."

At that comment, Tanni shot out of her seat, as her friend tried to ignore what was happening. Harper hung her head low and shot a sideways glance at Tanni, one that said 'leave it'.

Surprise, surprise! Arsonist did not 'leave it'.

"I'm sorry, Celeste," she drawled, "but if you think that going around and being petty to other people will cover up how insecure you are, then you're wrong."

"Insecure?" the girl snorted, she turned to her friends with a smirk on her face. "Oh my God, I can't believe Tanni Evelyn is giving me a lecture on insecurities."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I stepped in, fuming. If this Celeste girl said one more word about Harper and Tanni, I was going to do something that would land me in detention for a week. Tanni stared at me with wide eyes, shaking her head. Celeste only stared blankly at me.

"Did you fucking hear me?" I spat, "I asked you what you meant."

"I mean," Celeste said, sarcasm lacing her voice, "that Evelyn over here has way more to be insecure about than anyone in this school. She's a sight for sore eyes, look at her! It's no wonder she's never at meals. I don't know what you see in her Mark, she's an ugly, ability-less charity case. Must be a total bore to work with her."

"Celeste," Tanni interrupted, noticing how close I was to throwing that girl out of the window. "Get lost."

"Fine," the bitch put her hands up in defence and sat down at her desk. "Just saying, Mark, if you ever want to switch partners, I'm sure Amira and Tanni won't mind being together, and then you'd actually have someone fun to hang around." She gave me a disgustingly sweet smile.

That's when I made a decision—a stupid one, maybe. But a brilliant decision nonetheless.

"Arsonist," I turned around to face Tanni and took a deep, nervous breath.

"Yeah?" she questioned apprehensively.

Everyone's eyes were on us, half the class was here by this point. Even Mr. Vidius had just walked in. I could feel my own skin, my palms were sweating and I didn't even know why I was so nervous... I was only doing this to spite Celeste, right? No, it definitely wasn't because of the beauty of the girl in front of me and definitely not because I'd begun to care about her happiness more than anyone else's on this planet and we were friends, right? We were friends.

"She doesn't hate you!"

"If there's anything we know about you, it's that you don't hate her."

"She's probably in love with you now."

Okay. I could do this. Swallowing, I managed to muster up the courage to speak. My head was held high. I was confident. I was not going to make a fool of myself. I was calm. I was collected. I was not going to look like an idiot.

"Arsonist," I repeated, my mouth dry.

"Spit it out," she said.

"Gototheballwithme."

Aaand I sounded like an idiot. Great. Perfect. Wonderful. Supercalifragilisticexpialidoci—

A small smile tugged at Tanni's lips. She wasn't mad. She didn't hate me for it. She looked more amused than surprised, if I were being honest.

"Is that a command or a request?" she grinned. Celeste's jaw dropped, and she looked positively appalled. Good.

"A request," I squeaked. Then cleared my throat. "Sorry," I muttered, speaking normally, "a request." This was a complete fail; she was making fun of me, I'd be remembering this as the most embarrassing moment of my life. I had half a mind to leave the classroom then and there, and I would have, if Tanni didn't speak up.

"Okay."

What?

"Huh?" I said in confusion.

"I said okay," Tanni shrugged, suppressing a smile. "As friends, right?"

"Yeah as—as friends," I grinned, bouncing on the balls of my feet. "Great, perfect. As friends."

"You are talking about the ball, right?" I needed to confirm. "Just checking."

"No, Mark," she rolled her eyes, "I'm talking about that cliff nearby, do you want to go jump off it together?"

"I'd be down for that," I shrugged. Then I chuckled in relief, running a hand back through my hair in relief. "I guess I'll see you then, Arsonist."

"See ya, Book-burner," she grinned. And once again, I found myself marvelling at how beautiful she was when she smiled.

I really needed to control my emotions. Every feeling that came to me when I saw her was both painfully endearing and hurtful, all at once.

But when she smiled...I felt like I was watching the sunset. Like the beautiful, swirling array of colours in the sky which emitted happiness spoke to me in the sweetest possible voice. Like I was being told that everything would be okay. And when it was her voice that spoke to me, I listened, and I believed it.

Because if Tanni Evelyn could smile like that in a world of despair...surely there was still hope for our lives.

"How heartwarming, Mark. I'm sure the entire class has been inspired by your wonderful act of— friendship," Vidius interrupted my thoughts, "now, sit down." I mumbled a sheepish apology and made my way to my seat beside Nico. Although, I did take the long way so that I could knock over Celeste's books onto the floor.

"Whoops," I smirked, "I guess you should listen out for people passing by." Celeste opened her mouth to respond, but Vidius shot her a warning look, so she settled for a scowl.

I avoided contact with anyone for the rest of the lesson, though I did shoot several glances back at Tanni for some reason—not on purpose. And each and every time I found her already looking in my direction.

One good thing came out of today, though.

Despite my fear of being shunned for my amnesia, and how the spectacle with Celeste heightened it...At least I was on good––no, better than good––terms with Tanni.

It was stupid, I know. But it was my little ray of hope.

And hope was all we had at that time.

a/n –hiiiii. how are you guys? i hope you enjoyed this chapter !! and i have another question for you guys !! do you have any side ships so far? anyway, have a nice day/night and remember to vote and comment if you like <333