Final Total: 3 (reshelved)

Reader 1:

Grammar & Flow:.5/2

Overall, the grammar isn't awful, and the flow is ok, but there are some fairly obvious problems that drag it down a few points.

I *ground* my toes into the thin mats

The 'She' in 'She pounced at me' is ambiguous, since you don't mention Luna until the next sentence, and the person mentioned just before is the referee. The referee could be doing the pouncing.

Bell *rang* again (rung isn't the past tense of ring. It's a noun. Rungs of a ladder. Rungs of a chair.)

*relishing* it as she dropped it in

*bitter* aftertaste

My fists clenched*.* She charged towards me

The bell *rang* twice.

'Before the government *fell* (x2)

Interest:0/2

I can handle a lot of suspended disbelief, but if I start asking plot-related questions while I'm reading the first few paragraphs of your story, you're going to lose me.

If it isn't cheating to use her powers... why is it cheating for her opponent to use them? And why isn't Varona using them in the first place if it will earn her a spot in the Blood Games, and it isn't considered cheating?

Small side-note: If she eats rotten meat, why is she 'cherishing' it?

Quality of Prose:.5/2

There are several places where you're using either the wrong word, or a weird alternative. (This looks suspiciously like you're looking up a word in a thesaurus, then picking one of the suggested alternatives without looking that alternative up in a dictionary. You might not be doing that, but that's what it looks like.) 'Cherishing,' instead of 'relishing,' for instance. 'Cherish' doesn't just mean enjoy, it means to treasure, to keep and love and hold till death do them part. That's 'cherish.' Which doesn't work, here, for obvious reasons. 'Belittled' taste doesn't work either. To 'belittle' is to demean or speak disparagingly about someone or something. It has nothing to do with taste and wouldn't describe rotten meat. The first meaning of a word is the first meaning for a reason. Alternatives for that word in the thesaurus don't always adequately describe what you're trying to say, and it will show up like a neon sign.

Why the 'affirmative and negative' shouts from the crowds? I can understand her getting angry at the negative, but it would be much better to have her hear someone shout, 'Kill her! End it!' or something very specific. You're backing too far out, here.

Also, I'm sorry, but the fight is about as interesting to read as a wet napkin. Luna pounces, and already, somehow, has her palm digging into Varona's shoulders. It seems like Varona would have to have been facing her before the fight started, since she had all those tidbits to share about the hair, and then the bounciness, but then she's being attacked from behind. When did she move? Where did Luna start pouncing from? The bit about Luna being suspiciously bouncy should go up where the hair is. (Was. Get rid of the hair.) Don't stick it in here, it's cluttering up your action. What is Varona doing? Just standing there, letting Luna beat the crap out of her? That's what it sounds like. Then she somehow has the strength to shove Luna back (but not to fight) and has time to gain her balance, wipe blood off her nose, and cry. Where does Luna go? Away, somewhere, apparently, because then Varona is bolting toward her, which suggests quite a lot of space. Having an overpowering assailant is good, but your MC needs to be struggling a lot more. If she's helpless, mention how helpless she is, or have the fight go on longer, with a lot more pain involved.

It sounds like she's in a fighting cage, but then her sister just pops out of the crowd like there isn't anything between them. Was she on a bench? Was she inside the cage? Was she reaching in through the bars? << This is all setting stuff that should go somewhere before the fight. Other details you could include: Is it sunny? Is it hot? Is there dust? Are they inside?

The crowd here seems like a bunch of tiny things, mostly because you refer to it like it isn't actually individual people, and instead is a single object, which, ironically, makes it seem very small. When her sister pops out of the 'roaring crowd' would be an example of that. Have her pop up from her seat on the sidelines. The roar of the crowd should be a noise, not a physical detail.

She saw Luna's brown pupils flicker? I'm pretty sure nobody has brown pupils. Irises, yes. Pupils no. And pupils don't flicker unless you're an Anime character. (Please no.) Maybe she saw a 'flicker of murderous intent in Luna's eyes?' But this is all developing the one big issue I'm seeing. Your focus is all over the place, and you're giving weird details in the wrong spots. Setting is very much a large part of building up an action sequence, because everything in an action sequence is physical. (And no, I don't mean physical descriptions of your character, or her opponent. That is all fluff. The last thing she would be thinking about as a serious fighter would be the fact that she couldn't afford a haircut, and that the other girl has pretty hair.) Give some really vivid visual/sensory descriptions to set the stage, then back off into the actual fighting, with small pops of carefully chosen and carefully placed sensory detail sprinkled in. Right now you don't have enough of the former, and you have too much of the latter. The biggest, most important trick to writing action is in putting detail where it needs to go. Unfortunately, knowing what to focus on or how much to put where takes a lot of practice, and lots of reading good action writing.

Hook: 0/4 Between some of your word choices, a few logical inconsistencies, and the lackluster action sequence, I'm not really drawn into the plight of the people fighting. So as a hook, this isn't working. This isn't to say it never will. Starting with a fight isn't a bad idea, and even with the plot questions, your world building is interesting and could turn into a stunning concept. Keep honing, and you'll get there. 

Total: 1 (I've put this back on the shelf)

Reader 2:

Grammar & Flow: .5/2 There is nothing wrong with your grammar, but the sentences are a bit simple. Not in the modern-writing shot-through-the-heart way, but in the way which leads me to think that you're not very comfortable writing what you are writing. Maybe not enough research into how fights work? I am not expecting an MMA champion, but you seem to be grazing the surface of the story, without going into it. You're telling us the MC is struggling, and covered in blood and sweat and tears, but she's spending her time looking at her opponents hair and lamenting her own hairstyle.

Interest: 1.5/2 I am actually quote curious to read on, because I can see how the plot could really drive this story. Verona at first is a rather annoying character, but in her interaction with her sister that shifts a bit, and she becomes more of a person than a Katniss caricature. I am curious what this "energy" is that she possesses, and what the hell is going on to make her eat rotten meat. 

This is were I am having a bit of a logic issue, however. She is eating half way through extremely strenuous exercise, right before she will continue having her ass handed to her (by the way things are going). Really, eating anything is a terrible idea. Have you ever tried running on a full stomach? And she seems like she's done this plenty of times before. She really should know better.

Quality of Prose: .5/2 There's this strange trend around recently, in online writing, of putting bold statements with nothing to back them at the forefront, and saying "I am a born killer" strikes me as such. This is closely followed by almost self-indulgent anger: "a fire none could extinguish" being a prime example. I don't feel Verona's feelings in any of this, instead I see a petulant, moaning teenager going through their emo phase. The words "nobody understands me" must follow soon.

The fight scene is a bit stiff. You tell your reader about the blood spluttering, the head hitting iron and so on, but it's done with detachment of a disinterested commentator rather than from the POV of the person being pummelled. Yes, there are the salty tears but there is no emotion, no pain in any of this.

Hook: 1/4  "I am a born killer", you tell us as your MC gets absolutely wrecked. It works together so badly it's almost funny. I am struggling to reconcile the two together into anything other than Verona showing her superiority complex of a wannabe-rebel-angry-teenage princess, then rightly being showed her place. I mean - immediately there is blood bubbling from her lip, so she might not be that good of a killer after all. Also, the image of blood "bubbling" is a bit strange. It makes me think she's foaming at the mouth like a rabid animal.

Total: 3.5 (I've put the book back on the shelf)

Reader 3:

Grammar & Flow: 1/2 The grammar is fine, but the "I" is used so many times at the start that it feels intrusive. At some points, there are multiple sentences all starting with I. With 1st person, it's hard to avoid, but with the bare-bones description of the fight, the I comes to the forefront too often. 

Interest: .5/2  The whirlwind fight did not pique my interest, mainly due to the multiple mention of lips and blood (instead of other body parts or problems) and the odd mentions of things like the two fighters hairstyles. That's not really a detail that brings the scene into sharp focus, but rather more jolts the reader away from the fight and into 'girl topics'. I was almost expecting a run down of the other fighter's clothing and shoes, just to round it off. What's missing here is the environment. Where are they? What does the room look like? There are bars, okay, and some rich people, but that doesn't sound too much different that some televised wrestling / boxing matches on off-cable channels. 

At the very end of the reading section, where the narrator talks with her sister (where did she pop in from?), my interest suddenly picked up. I was a little bored during the fight scene, but once some information was given about the logistics of the fight and what was actually going on, I perked up.

Quality of Prose: 1/2  While the prose is mostly done to an acceptable standard, there is too much pathos and overwrought emotionality to many of the descriptions that drag down what could have been harder, more visceral prose. "My stomach roared and churned within me." "Upright stature and prim smirks" "The affirmative and negative shouts from the crowds clashed in my ears and vibrated down my spine".    

These are all examples of trying too hard to create atmosphere with slightly off-sounding phrasing, and only succeeding in making it sound far more immature than it needs to be. 

Hook: 2/4  Overall, the hook offers a lot of movement, but not enough information is shown or told that would place the reader firmly in the scene. It's a bit of an unsettling dump into a story that already sounds like it's trying too hard too catch the reader's attention.  It's not terrible, but it is slightly misfocused and too bare (even for a fight scene) to really pull a reader in completely.    

Total: 4.5 (I've put the book back on the shelf)