Chapter 37 - You're My First Love

"Girl I see it in your eyes you're disappointed

'Cause I'm the foolish one that you anointed with your heart

I tore it apart

And girl what a mess I made upon your innocence

And no woman in the world deserves this

But here I am asking you for one more chance  

Can we fall, one more time?

Stop the tape and rewind

Oh and if you walk away, I know I'll fade

'Cause there is nobody else

It's gotta be you

Only you"

Kiara's POV

Present Day

There was nothing worse than a rowing practice with rain, well, maybe except a rowing practice with rain after two hours of working out in the gym. You'd think that with rain there were no rowing practices, but you'd be wrong. Our coach seemed to love these type of practices, yet I hated them. These were the kind of Sundays I wished I was at home cuddled in a blanket and watching a good movie. But nonetheless, I knew these kind of practices were also needed and all I could do was accept them, even if I got completely exhausted with them.

The worst thing though wasn't the weather or how much my muscles hurt, it was the amount of thoughts that were swirling in my mind. I couldn't help but think about Matthew and Aiden. It wasn't my intention to break their hearts this time. I didn't even know I would affect them this much. I had called them several times and Matthew had picked up a few times - our conversations were short and unemotional. As for Aiden, he did as he told me - he was ignoring me so I gave up trying to talk to him.

Once the practice finished, I sighed of relief and went to put my shell in the boathouse. When I was finished, I saw James waiting for me, a sly smile on his face.

"Hey you." He greeted.

"Hey." I nodded. "As if you didn't see me at practice."

"Yeah, you were pretty invisible out there." He chuckled sarcastically. "You okay?"

I shrugged. "I guess... there's just a lot in my mind right now and I hate not being able to focus on the one thing I love the most."

"Me?" He asked with a hopeful look on his face. I let out a laugh.

"Rowing." I stated. We walked towards the café of the rowing club and ordered two chocolate mugs. There was nothing better after a harsh practice than hot chocolate.

"Want to tell me what you were so thoughtful about?" James questioned.

"Ever since I told Matthew and Aiden that we were dating, they've been acting weirdly with me. I mean, I shouldn't feel bothered, but I still do. I care for them... and I hate to cause them such pain."

A glimpse of rage flashed through James' eyes but it vanished as quickly as it appeared.

"You shouldn't worry about them. They're big boys, they can handle themselves. It's not your fault you fell for me and not for them."

"I know... but it sucks."

"You're just too much of a good person, that's all." James reassured me with a smile. "And that's not a bad thing."

"People don't usually say that about me." I smiled, taking a sip of the hot chocolate. James' eyes narrowed.

"Why?"

"I dunno. People just tend to assume I'm coldhearted and arrogant because I'm reserved, you know? But just because I don't care about what others may think, it doesn't mean I don't care about what's going on with them or with the world."

"Don't feel bad about them. I like you as you are." James grinned and his eyes sparkled.

"You know what I like best about you?" I asked.

"What?" James had a puzzled expression on his face.

"Your eyes."

James' face lit up like he was expecting me to say something else and was pleasantly surprised.

"Really?"

"Yeah. They're this tone of grey... mixed with green and a little bit of blue. They seem made of crystal. And all those colors... it mirrors your personality, your free spirit and your will to explore the world."

James' face broke into a grin.

"Thanks."

I furrowed my eyebrows.

"For what?"

"For being you." He said and there was this intensity in his eyes, like he wanted to say something, or at least wanted me to know something that he couldn't tell me.

"Are you okay?" I questioned.

James shook off his weird expression and smiled but in his eyes remained the same shade of preoccupation.

"Yes." James answered after a while. He looked around and got up. "Actually... I need to go do something. I'll see you later."

I followed his gaze, which landed in Andrea. I narrowed my eyes. What did he want with her? Ever since we started talking he never even mentioned her and now, all of a sudden, he was leaving me so he could go talk to her? I knew I shouldn't be doing this, but my legs were already getting up. So I followed him.

-------------

James' POV

"You know what I like best about you?" Kiara asked me as she took a sip of her chocolocate mug. It was a hideous March day, but with her it felt warm.

"What?" I asked, suddenly remembering that horrendous day in November where I had made the stupidest mistake of my life. Andrea had asked me the same thing that Kiara was now questioning me.

"Your eyes." My eyes. Andrea had told me what she liked best about me was my muscles. And I was grateful that Kiara didn't think like that, even if she had seen me shirtless in several rowing events throughout the years. But of course, this was Kiara Raven we were talking about. She wasn't vain and shallow like Andrea was, she would never value something as physical as muscles.

"Really?" I questioned.

"Yeah. They're this tone of grey... mixed with green and a little bit of blue. They seem made of crystal. And all those colors... it mirrors your personality, your free spirit and your will to explore the world."

No one had ever described my eyes so well. People were always amazed by them but they simply said 'Pretty eyes' or 'Lucky you'. But Kiara, she wasn't envying me. She was seeing right through my eyes, decoding them.

I found myself inevitably grinning, which happened quite a lot when I was with her.

"Thanks."

Kiara furrowed her eyebrows which made her look adorable. "For what?"

"For being you." I simply answered.

"Are you okay?" Her expression of concern made me cringe. It was that very expression that made me regret, more than any other thing, agreeing with Andrea's plan of breaking Kiara's heart. I had regretted it a long time ago, almost since the beginning I actually started talking to Kiara. I tried to reason up with Andrea but she didn't listen and kept me pushing onto doing it. We never actually got back together, which made me realize that what she said to me at the beach that November day was true, that she was actually breaking up with me. And now I knew that all she wanted was an excuse to break up with me. She might have wanted to hurt Kiara's feelings, but what she truly wanted was to get rid of me.

And I hated her for that. I couldn't back down now, Andrea would blackmail me and tell Kiara everything. And even if I didn't care about her plan now, Kiara would still think all I was doing was playing a game and that couldn't be further from the truth. Yes, in the beginning it was a game, but as I started to talk to Kiara, I started to realize how cool of a girl she was and how stupid I was for never having the guts to befriend her, and for always seeing her as my rival and for agreeing on doing what Andrea told me to do. I should have said no and now it was too late.

Unless I told Andrea that I was sick of it all and then tell Kiara that I truly liked her, despite how everything started between the two of us.

"Yes." I finally answered Kiara, faking a smile. I looked around and spotted Andrea talking with another girl. This was it. I was going to talk to her and end it all. I got up and looked at Kiara. "Actually... I need to go do something. I'll see you later."

I stormed out of the café and walked towards Andrea. I didn't know if it was going to work, but I had to try. Kiara was worth it and I wanted to be with her for real, without lies and games and stupid plans. I just hoped Andrea wouldn't tell Kiara about it all before I managed to tell the whole truth to Kiara.

I approached Andrea and she eyed me suspiciously. "What?"

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. How did I tolerate her in the past?

"I need to talk to you. In private." I said.

"I'm busy right now, can't you see it?" Andrea retorted, scowling at me. I grabbed her arm and stared at her, talking in a harsh voice.

"Yes, I can see it very well, Andrea, but I don't care. We need to talk and I'm pretty sure it's more important than whatever conversation you two are having right now."

Andrea let go of my grip and sighed. "Fine." She said goodbye to her friend and followed me to the boathouse where we could talk without being seen or heard.

"What do you want?" She inquired, crossing her arms, her hair falling perfectly onto her shoulders, something I would have found adorable if I didn't hate her now.

"I can't do this anymore, Andrea." I simply stated. Her eyes widened and she let out a mocking laugh.

"Excuse me?"

I sighed in exasperation and ran a hand through my hair. "I'm telling you it's over, Andrea. I'm sick of being your puppet. I'm sick of your games and of doing everything you want me to do, I'm sick of letting you manipulate me. Above all, I'm sick of seeing you using people as you wish."

"I never obligated you to do anything, James, I'm sure you know that." Andrea retorted in a dry voice. "You agreed with me in the first place. So I don't really think you have a moral to come speak with me in such tone, like I'm the only villain in here. You're just as guilty as I am. Maybe even more. After all, I ain't the one playing with her."

"Shut up! I'm not playing her. Not anymore. Not since I found out the real her. And I hate the fact that you wanted to hurt her. What kind of person are you?"

"No, you shut up, James!" Her voice raised. "Don't forget that you agreed to this plan! Don't go on accusing me when it's your fault as well!"

"But I liked you! Of course I would do what you wanted me to do! Or... or at least I thought I liked you."

This seemed to caught her off guard but then she shook her head.

"It doesn't matter. Anyway, you can't back down now. You still haven't finished."

"Are you nuts? I've told you I'm not going through with this messed up plan!"

"Fine." Andrea inspected her nails and smirked at me. "Then I'm sure she would love to find everything out."

"You wouldn't."

"You don't know me, James." She warned in a dangerous tone. "You never did."

"You're such a bitch." I replied, hatred draining from my voice. She was hateful.

"I might be, James, but you're no better than me." She smirked and crossed her arms over her chest. "And you're dumber. You think you actually have a chance with her?"

I frowned at the change of subject.

"What do you mean?"

"That she's surrounded by guys. That friend of hers, Dylan... Aiden... Matthew..."

"How do you even know them all?" I asked.

"A friend of mine goes to the same school as them. You might know her. Brianna?" I shook my head and she shrugged. "Anyway, everyone knows. She's the girl who broke their hearts. Matthew and Aiden were womanizers before she came and tore them apart. I will never forgive her that."

"Why, Andrea? Why such rage towards her? What do you have against her?"

Andrea's eyes sparkled and I could see the menace in them.

"Because I love him. Matthew."

My eyes widened and I suppressed the instinct of laughing at her. "You love him? Matthew? You've spoken to him, what, once?"

"I've known him since I was a kid, stupid. He has always been friends with Brianna and I met him a lot of times before you even knew him. That day in November when he went to our rowing practice and you thought he was flirting with me - he was not. He was asking me stuff about Kiara and I knew he was in deep for her. And if I didn't like her before, at that moment I started to hate her. I've always wanted to be with him, to be the one who changed him, who made him stop being a womanizer. But Kiara had to come and take my chance. She had to ruin everything! They've known each other for, I don't know, a month and she manages to do what I couldn't in a lifetime. Of course I wanted to ruin her. Of course I wanted her to feel what I felt.

"And us?" I asked in disbelief.

"Us was just a mean to make Matthew jealous but he didn't even notice us once. And that day at the beach I used Kiara and the game as an excuse to end things with you because even if you were fun for a while you were not what I wanted. You were never what I wanted."

Ouch. Thoughts were swirling in my mind and I was trying to remain calm. Andrea didn't deserve to see me out of control, but saying her words didn't hurt me was a lie.

"Kiara didn't choose Matthew, she chose me. So why making me go through with this if now you have a chance with him?"

"Because he still loves her!" There was almost pain in Andrea's voice. "And I want to make her suffer like she made me suffer. I may not have a chance with Matthew, but at least she will not laugh at the end. At the end, she will cry."

I was about to open my mouth to say something when another voice spoke up.

"It seems like the end is already here." I didn't need to turn around to know it was her. Her voice was icier than ever. I instantaneously froze.

"Turn around!" Kiara demanded, her voice shaking and I realized she was crying. "Or are you such a coward that you can't even face the damage you made?"

I turned on my heels and it was as if someone had suddenly made me carry the weight of the world. Kiara was standing there, tears running down her cheeks, her eyes red yet gelid.

"Kiara, I..."

Before I could say anything she passed through me with large confident steps.

"Bitch." She spit in a cold tone before she slapped Andrea's cheek strongly. The noise was clear and high pitched, making me cringe.

"You're the bitch!" Andrea retorted in the same tone of voice, grabbing Kiara's hair. Kiara screamed and tried to kick Andrea but before they could hit one another I ran towards them and grabbed Kiara's waist, dragging her away from Andrea. Kiara struggled in my arms but I kept her still.

"Stay away from me!" Kiara shouted.

"Andrea, go away." I told her.

"I wasn't talking to her!" Kiara replied fighting against me. Andrea smirked and passed by us.

"I guess my work here is done." She said and I fulminated her with my eyes. In response, she simply mouthed "enjoy" and then left the boathouse, leaving me and Kiara alone.

"Let go of me!" Kiara commanded once again and this time I did. Seeing her like that was heartbreaking and knowing that I was the cause of it all was even worse. The normally collected and cool Kiara was now crying, her hair messy from the fight with Andrea, and I had to fight the urge to pass my hands through it.

"I..."

"Shut up! Don't even try to talk to me, bastard!" Kiara replied. "You're just as bad as she is."

"You heard it all?" I questioned but she ignored me and asked me something else.

"Do you know that at the beginning of school year Matthew and Aiden made a bet about me? They bet about kissing me and breaking my heart. In the end I was the one who broke theirs."

"W-what?" I asked, my eyebrows raising and my eyes widening, my heart breaking a little more.

"I've forgiven them, but I promised myself never to be fooled again. Little did I know that at the same time I was making that promise, I was actually being fooled when I let myself fall for you."

"Kiara, I..."

"Don't even, James. I can't even look at you, you know?"

"Didn't you hear me?" I questioned above her protests. "I told Andrea I didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore because I realized I was being a dick and that you-"

"It doesn't matter! What matters is what made you speak with me in the beginning!" Her voice was loud, but she was trembling, struggling with every word, tears falling down her face. "You just started to hang out with me because Andrea told you to do so, and you, as her puppet, did as she demanded. Dammit, I was so wrong about you! Everytime I thought you were different, that you were the one who understood me better, and who was able to see things from my perspective, I was wrong because you're nothing but a lost puppy, nothing but an immature guy who lacks in personality! Someone who doesn't care about me, who never did!"

"That's not true, I care for you, Kiara, I do, a lot. That's why I came to talk to Andrea today, to tell her I was sick of her wicked plan. And if you've forgiven Matthew and Aiden, why can't you forgive me?" I questioned in a low murmur. 

"Don't even get me started! It took me some time to forgive them and I only did so because I already knew what they were up to long ago, and I realized they had changed. But you? I don't even know the real you anymore! I can't tell if you were lying or telling the truth every time you talked to me. And most of all, James, I wasn't in love with them, was I? What I feel for them is friendship and friendship alone. But for you? I managed to fall for someone I don't even know, someone I've always seen as my rival, someone I ended up trusting without asking myself 'What does he want, what is he up to?'. With you I could be myself without being afraid of being fooled and where did that get me?"

"I'm sorry, Kiara, I really am." I said, my voice cracking. Don't cry, Kiara, please. I'm so sorry. If only she knew that seeing her breaking in front of me is tearing me apart too. "If I could go back into the past and take it all back I would but-"

"Don't try to defend yourself, James." She lowered her voice and her tone was now steadier. "Nothing you say will make this easier for you or for me. You can't change what you did and I don't want to hear anything else from you. Betrayal is something I can't forgive."

I took a step towards her. She took two steps back.

"Kiara, please." I begged. "Please try to. I don't want things to end between us like this, I-"

"James, just stop! You're making it worse! How do I even know you're not acting anymore? How do I even know this isn't still part of your plan with Andrea?"

"Maybe for this." I came closer to her again and this time she didn't step back. I saw her eyes widening a bit when she saw the tears coming out of my eyes. In any other moment, I would have felt embarrassed for her seeing me cry, but right now I couldn't care less. My world was falling apart. "I'm truly sorry, Kiara."

For a moment there I saw the hesitation in her eyes. She pursed her lips and I saw something similar to forgiveness in her expression but it quickly vanished, taking away my hope too.

"All I have to say is congratulations, James." Kiara spoke with the most ironic tone of voice I had ever heard her use. "I don't know if this was your plan all along, but congratulations anyway. Not only did you manage to be the first guy I actually loved, to be my first love, you were also able to be the first one to break my heart entirely. You must be so proud." There wasn't a hint of her in those words. It was as if she was another person, so cold and infuriated. Her voice made me wince of how icy it was.

The first guy I actually loved, to be my first love. Fuck. Why did I have to screw everything? I was her first love. I was Kiara Raven's first love and now I had given her her first heartbreak. I hated myself for that. She was an incredible girl that didn't deserve any of this and I had to ruin everything.

I hate myself.

I watched powerless and defeated as she cleaned her face with her sleeves and walked past me. Before she completely exited the boathouse, she turned around and stared at me with such distaste that more tears started rolling down my cheeks.

"I hope you're happy." Was all she said before she was gone.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." I shouted, my fists clenched. Why did I have to be so stupid? I touched my cheeks, trying to wipe the tears away from my face.

What was that that people used to say?

If a guy cries over a girl, he must really love her.

I was crying not only because I was full of regret and guilt over what I had done to her, but also because it was true. I really did love her.

I might have been the first guy Kiara has ever loved, I might have been her first love, but did she know that she was also the first girl I have ever truly loved?

Did Kiara Ravens know she was my first love?

She didn't and she probably never would.

"It's got to be you

Only you

Now girl, I hear it in your voice and how it trembles

When you speak to me, I don't resemble who I was

You've almost had enough

And your actions speak louder than words

And you're about to break from all you've heard

Don't be scared, I ain't going no where

I'll be here, by your side

No more fears, no more crying

But if you walk away, I know I'll fade

Cause there is nobody else

It's gotta be you."

Music is "Gotta Be You" by One Direction :)