I know this one is long but pls bear with me and comment and give feedback and vote. Let me know on my mb if you have reading recs or just books you want me to support and all that. This chapter is cetered on Bucky. it not the most important to the storyline, but it is important so pls just read through. ily 3000 till the end of the line.

   The city was the same as always, in a comforting way. It was complicated, just like evrything else in his life, it seemed. All of the sounds, sights, smells, people, even rats in the alleyways seemed to overwhelm his brain, whilst bringing back memories of the past.

   His first time back in the city had been hard. Everything was so overstimulating for his hightened senses, paired with the way he got overwhelmed by large crowds sometimes. And now that all the civilians knew his face, they'd pause on the sidewalks and gawk, making him uncomfortable. 

   This time was better than before. If he focused, he could block out all the diverse distractions, and he had gotten much better at it in the last year. 

   Seated in the waiting room in the building where he'd go to therapy, Bucky kept as far from everyone else as he could. The same people as usual were also there, reading old magazines from the basket in the corner or looking at their phones. 

   He opted for neither, preferring not to read useless garbage about the hottest models or scandals in the acting business; or scroll aimlessly, effectively waisting wasting time making his brain buzz like a kid on a sugar high, only to develope a migraine later. 

  Bucky sank further into his chair, eyes narrowing as he started to replay that morning in his head. The truth was, he wasn't sure what changed between him and Yelena. He was suddenly seeing a problem, but he had no idea what the problem even was. 

   Honestly, the fact that she had slept next to him last night didn't really bother him. It wasn't something he was used to, or expected, but if it meant she was more comfortable, then he was fine with it. Though, normally, he couldn't imagine how anyone could feel safe next to a sleeping Bucky Barnes. 

   And embarassingly, he'd almost fallen off his motorcycle when he saw her on the sidewalk, waving goodbye to him. That had been intense, and he hoped desperately that she hadn't noticed it. He couldn't help it. She managed to distract him that much that he almost lost his balance.

   Bucky remembered her face when he waved goodbye... A sad smile on her face, lips gently curving upward. He had the feeling that he would never forget that moment. 

   He'd have to ask her about that when he got home, about why she was sad. He loathed seeing her downcast.

   "Um... Hi?"

   Startled out of his loud thoughts, Bucky gave a slight jump. His gaze snapped toward the hesitant word that was obviously directed at him.

   So much for the other patients leaving him alone. 

   His frown softened as he regarded a young girl with deep brown skin and sparkling, adoring eyes that were pointed respectfully up at his. Not much taller than his abdomen if he was standing, the girl smiled widely. "Are you mister Barnes?"

   Bucky nodded. "Yeah. You can call me Bucky. What's your name, kid?"

   Why was this young child in this building? His head spun in confusion and concern, but he tucked that away for now. 

   "I'm Angela, you can call me Annie." she said shyly, wringing her hands behind her back nervously. 

   He gulped, breathing in deeply at the name. It brought back so many memories of a girl who was once his friend. The girl who he'd kissed in the rain. 

   "My mom said you might be here," she continued, pointing to the other side of the waiting room, where a blonde woman who looked to be in her mid-forties glaced warily up at them from her phone. 

   "Oh. That's your mom?" Bucky asked dumbly, his brain scrambling. That blonde lady had never seemed like the type to have kids, and he was good at reading people. But he was wrong, weirdly. 

   Angela nodded, her peircing brown eyes pinned on him worshipfully. "Mom said we needed to talk to this lady today, that's why we're here."

   "Good luck, kid."

   "What were you thinking about? You looked constipated."

   Bucky snorted. "Excuse me?"

   She shrugged. "You have enhanced hearing, you don't need me to repeat myself. Right?"

   "Yeah. R-right."

   "So what were you thinking about? Steve Rogers? The war? Captivity?"

   "None of those," he replied, a subtle hint of annoyance flaring up. But he tried to keep it down, knowing that she wasn't bringing up sensitive topics to piss him off. She was just being a kid. "I was thinking about a friend of mine."

   Her face scrunched up as she thought about that. "Do you have many friends?"

   Bucky raised his eyebrows at her. "A few."

   "Can I be your friend?"

   His mouth fell open in surprise. "Me? You want me to be your friend?"

   Angela smiled wider. "You're so cool. Of course I want to be your friend."

   "Oh." Bucky was surprised at her words, but felt no internal alarms going off, no hesitancy. As if this was alright. "I'd love to be your friend," he found himself saying. 

   Her smile was contagious, and he found that the corners of his lips were tilting up. Angela pumped her fist in the air triumphantly, a huge grin on her bright face. "Yes!" 

   He almost told her to pipe down, but there was something soothing about her enthusiasm that he hadn't experienced in a long time. It made him feel younger. It was similar to how he felt when he was with AJ and Cass.

   "Hey, can I see your arm, Bucky?" she asked, climbing onto the chair next to him. 

   "Sure." Bucky pulled off his black leather jacket and gloves, then flexed his mechanical fingers. 

   She gasped joyfully, eyes widening. "Is it really vibranium? From Wakanda?" 

   "It sure is," he replied, turning his hand over. Angela's small fingers traced the plating on the back of his hand. Bucky almost froze, but he trusted himself right now. She wouldn't get hurt by him. Angela gave Bucky another large smile. "Wanna know a secret?" he asked.

   "Yes!"

   Bucky smiled, and leaned down to whisper in her ear. "I put my arm in the dishwasher," 

   "Really?" She gasped. "Are you allowed to do that?"

   "Er, probably? I never asked. I'm kinda scared that Shuri will freak out if I tell her."

   She crossed her arms. "If I were her, I'd freak. Just so you know."

   Bucky nodded, then pressed a finger to his lips. "Don't tell anyone, Angela."

  "Of course. I won't tell anyone!" Angela mimed locking up her mouth and throwing away the key. 

   "Good," he smiled again. "I-"

   "James?" A new voice interrupted. He looked up to see Dr. Raynor standing in the waiting room. A couple people gazed curiously at Bucky, and he ignored the usual stares.  "Are you ready? It's time for your appointment."

   "Right. Sorry, kid. I'll see you when I see you." Bucky grabbed his jacket and gave the littel girl a friendly two-fingered salute, then followed Raynor into the hallway. 

   Raynor let out something that resembled a huff of surprise. "Were you chatting with Angela just now? Showing her your arm?"

   Bucky blinked. "Um. Yeah, I guess I was."

   She opened the door to their usual room and waited for him to go inside. Bucky looked out the window and tried to collect his thoughts, but it was hard to focus.  

   "James."

   His eyes snapped up to her face. "Christina."

   She sighed. "How are things at home? With that girl?"

   "Complicated, just like everything else in my life." He muttered darkly.

   "Sounds about right. But you shouldn't act so negative. It will make things getting worse more likely."

   "That's not how things have gone before," he scoffed, sitting heavily in his designated chair and slipping into his usual therapy attitude. 

   She sighed, sitting across from him and wathing his slight movements with attentive eyes. "So, how have things been going? How have you been holding up?"

   "Probably not well," he muttered. "Got another trigger. Less intense this time, but it..."

   "But it what?"

   Bucky's eyes flickered back to her, and he gulped. "It hurt."

   She perked up at his sudden vulnerability, and nodded. "Have you though that maybe it's time this woman left your-"

   "No. I haven't." He said firmly, jaw clenching. He knew what she was suggesting, and knew that it wasn't going to happen. It couldn't happen, his gut screamed. 

   Raynor leaned back in realization. "You're not going to even consider it, are you? It's gotten serious. Hasn't it?"

   Bucky tried not to react, crossing his arms casually and saying nothing as he stared back at her.

   She raised her eyebrows. "Right. You really do have a knack for getting yourself into sticky situations, don't you? The gum's still in your hair, and you managed to rub it in even deeper."

   He scowled. "She's not the gum." It took a lot of self control not to lash out at her, even though she barely even implied that Yelena being around him was a problem. "She's not the gum." He repeated, firmly.

   "Okay." She raised her hands in a calming gesture, something she did surprisingly often. Though Bucky knew she'd be stupid not to know that it did nothing to soothe him. And it just got him more riled up, too.

   He huffed, feeling strangely in control of his thoughts now, but still angry. 

   "James, can you tell me a bit more?" Raynor asked in a much softer voice now. 

   Another thing he detested about her... the way she changed her tone like like that. It made his brain assume she was trying to manipulate him or something. He didn't like the way that felt, questioning whether he could trust people or not. 

   Raynor set him on edge in that way, and it made him unomfortable. It was his habit to not actually let anyone notice when he was uncomfortable, though, so instead of being truthful, he avoided addressing it with sarcasm and sinicism toward him. At least that way, he could show that he didn't fully appreciate her.

   Her dark, bleak eyes bored into his head as he avoided her eyes. He could feel it.

   "I asked you a question, James."

   "Oh." He tilted his head to the side, trying to remember. 

   "Can you talk to me about what happened? About this relationship-"

   "It's not a relationship."

   "Then what is it?"

   A lump formed in his throat. He knew he loved Yelena in a way that went more intimate and deep than a friendship did, but he felt lost again. Lost... That word always followed him, through the years. The one companion of his that had never left him. 

   "I..." He took a deep breath, staring at his hands. Bucky's eyes flicked between his two hands as he thought, but his head was spinning. "I can't-" His words broke off as he started breathing faster, fighting for steadiness, something to ground him. 

   But it all faded over time, to be replaced. Just like his left arm, and his first life. That wonderful, hard, inspiring, beautiful life he used to have. And what even was Yelena to him now? She knew him better than anyone else, and yet he couldn't imagine what the future would hold. 

   A strong sense of helplessness sunk into his heart, the anxiety making his insides feel horribly out of place and ill. 

   Bucky leaned back, head rolling back. He tried to focus his eyes, narrowing them at the ceiling. 

   Finally, he gave up and groaned softly, closing his eyes. 

  "James."

  His brain latched onto the distraction, the voice. The word 'shrink' floated into his consciousness, and he remembered where he was and desperately lifted his head.

   Raynor's greying hair became more focused as he leaned toward her. 

   He ran a hand through his hair, forcing himself to breath slower. "S-sorry." He'd never apologized to her before, it felt strange.

   She blinked, watching him. He felt uncomfortable again, and shifted restlessly. "James, what just happened?"

   "Uh. U-uhm... I don't know." Bucky bit his lip, trying to focus on her for once. She leaned forward, uncrossing her arms. "I just... I got overwhelmed. That's all."

   "Say it like it is, James." She reminded. "It makes things simpler for you."

   He sat up straighter, eyes still adrift. "Simpler. Is that what you really believe?"

   "Yes. The truth isn't simple, but there's rhyme and reason to the world. No matter how obscure and faraway it seems. How seperated from your life it seems."

   "It feels seperated from my life, it always has."

   "Always? Or do you just not remember how it used to be?"

   His eyes flashed with dark and painful emotion, and he watched as she pulled out her notebook, that damn notebook, and scribbled something quickly. "What are you writing?"

   She glanced at him. "If you won't talk, I won't. Not right now, at least."

   Bucky huffed angrily. "Fine."

   "You need to keep up with meditation and journalling, James. When something happens, just brain dump, alright? And you know how to do the breathing exercises."

   "Y-yeah." He said quietly. "Alright."

   "Good. There's not much I can do for you at the moment. This is a situation where only you can fix it. You can go now, James. Just remember personal responsibility. And boundaries, especially around that woman. We'll talk in a couple days. Call me."

   "Right." He muttered.