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When I was sure I was clean I joined Jess.

We sat outside and she just looked at me.

"What"

"Wipe your nose Oak there's a bit of coke left"

I was numb I thought I could hide it from her...

"Thanks"

"Oak you're destroying yourself please just check yourself in rehab"

"I don't need rehab Jess"

"Oak I love you but you're not yourself anymore "

"How the fuck do you want me to be the same Oak when I keep being treated like shit? My mom hates me my granny died, my dad is not my dad and well my real dad is dead too what do you want me to do Jess" I was screaming at this point angry, hurt, and frustrated"

"Oak"

"No Jess you don't understand what I am feeling yes you lost a sister but you had your family to help you through it I have no one and Jamie is an addict I love him but he's just as lost as I am so how am I meant to be okay?"

I didn't let her answer I stormed off and got in an Uber to our place, my mom took her car back.

I got to my apartment unlocked the door threw the key on the counter and went to shower.

I was crying on the shower floor alone, Jamie was not here and I didn't know where he was.

After my shower, I ordered pizza and waited for it, and ate a bit.

I must have fallen asleep cause I got woken up by a drunk Jamie stumbling and knocking things over.

"What the fuck Jamie"

"Oh babe you're here thought I said you should be with Lance"

"Vance," I said in a whisper he mumbled something but I didn't hear him.

I ignored him and went to our bedroom got in bed and pulled the covers over my head.

He came and when I felt the movement in our bed I knew he had joined me.

"Look at what I've done Oak I found you pure and made a mess"

I ignored him...

"Oak you and Jax are the two people I love and trust and I keep letting you guys down"

Still, I remained quiet...

"I love you Oak so much but I can't keep destroying you like this"

I couldn't listen to him anymore so I got up and he tried to pull me by my hand but I snatched it away.

I walked off and he kept calling me ... that moment my anger was at the worst level and the only thing I could think of was sex...

I was in his t-shirt and took it off which meant I was bare in front of him...

I took off all his clothes and his underwear and he let me ...

Our kiss was soft as if we didn't fight no matter how angry we got or how rough our sex got he always found a way to be gentle with me...

He cried while I kissed him and our naked bodies became one ...

We walked to our bed and I was on top of him...

He was addictive ....and toxic and I loved it I loved him...

I was on top of him and he flipped me over...now he was on top of me...

He kissed me like it was the last time...

He nibbled my earlobe and gently bit it kissing my neck which I'm sure was covered in his love...it felt like the first time we did it...

He went to my left boob when his tongue ring gently touched my nipple I felt emotions I never wanted to live without...

He went to the other nipple while his fingers gently brushed my dripping pussy....

But this time it felt different like he wanted to make love he was gentle with me he didn't even want me to touch him like he wanted to worship my body which he did...

Licking my dripping pussy and coming to kiss me I felt high no drugs could match...

This time he didn't care about anything and I didn't either when I felt his member deep in me I screamed and moaned in his mouth...

He held my hands up as he slowly stroked me I can't explain what was happening...

He put down one hand rubbing my clit while his member got deeper can a person die from an orgasm? Because I'm sure I nearly died my eyes rolled back while I arched my back, my one hand gripped the sheets praying I don't tear them.

Our bodies were in sync...

The sexual response cycle has four phases: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution

I read somewhere about the sexual response cycle  and even if we have had sex more than a million times It still feels different.

I just didn't know why it felt like he was saying goodbye with our bodies...

We both came at the same time and he collapsed on top of me...

I brushed his back while trying to catch my breath .....sex was addictive ....sex with him was.

He moved to the side and I put my head on his chest we couldn't speak when I looked at him I swear I saw him crying but why?

I was scared of asking him why scared that he might give me answers I was not ready to hear!

Was this how we end? I survived losing granny but Jamie I wouldn't survive.

He became more than a lover...

I ignored the pang in my chest and held him he held on to me everything he did tonight was different from all those times.

I was on his chest playing with his nipple piercing...

For the first time, I looked at the painting on his body and admired it...

I got up to pee and when I came back he didn't see me because he was on his phone he looked angry maybe sad.

What was he not telling me?

He saw me and put the phone away...

And I got in bed and the coldness I felt from walking around naked disappeared because his warm body was against mine...

He gently touched my boob pulling the nipple a little causing me to laugh...

He kissed it and now it was back, the feeling I always fight but lost to...

I wanted us to make love again...

He read my mind because he looked at me straight in the eyes and started kissing me...

I could never resist him ever!!!

My hands went to his back, his lower back was his weak spot and as I gently touched it his member told me I was doing well...

We kissed till I had to catch my breath...

His hands were all over my body...

He flipped me over and I was lying on my chest as he laid pillows under my tummy to give him more access to my pussy...

I felt him play with my bud and I bit the pillow...

While his hand was on my clit his member was inside me again...

I wanted to scream moans filled the room and the louder I got the deeper he went...

"B...a...b...y" I tried to speak but he told me not to say a thing and I listened...

He went on and on and slowly going in and out and rubbing my clit ....

Emotions drove me crazy...

After we both came we passed out...

It still felt like a goodbye...

A goodbye I would never be ready to hear especially from him...