Morana

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I felt guilty as I walked through the doors and into work. The way I had been acting that morning had been exceptionally bratty. Alejo had only been worried about me, I knew that. But I really didn't want to talk about any of it. I was tired as hell and couldn't really think straight about anything. That made me want to just occupy my mind with anything that wasn't those weird voices.

But I should have said that. Or rather that I wasn't in the mood for talking, that maybe later. But no. Instead, I had decided to be rude.

I got into the staff room and sat down on a chair there, my head in my hands. Not only was I feeling exhausted from lack of sleep anymore, but also exhausted by myself. I had sort of warned him the day before that I could act unreasonably at times, and he had said he would still be there, but had I really needed to put that to the test already?

I had been upset at him for things he hadn't understood yesterday and then again today. The fact that he had still said he would pick me up was unfathomable to me. Any normal person would have run the other way by now. They all had for less.

I got started at working, making up my mind to properly apologize as soon as I saw Alejo again. It was the least I could do, he really hadn't deserved my moodiness.

At lunch time, my mood had gotten a bit better. I was still exhausted, but other than that, I felt okay. Though I was a bit nervous Alejo would be upset over how I had acted, but also felt somewhat sure he wouldn't be.

I sat down with a sandwich from the store to eat at lunch. Almost immediately, Dereck sat down opposite me. We hadn't talked at all during the day. I felt sure he was giving me space, but also maybe didn't know how to strike up a conversation, considering how I had stormed off the day before. If it had been before I met Alejo, that silence between us would have made me sad. But now I almost didn't care anymore.

"Hey, I'm sorry about yesterday," he said and gave me a tentative smile. "I was acting like a real jerk."

"It's fine," I just waved it off, too tired to get into it more, but also realizing I didn't care enough about him to feel the need. Not in the same way as I had felt with Alejo.

"Are you okay? You look tired," he commented next.

"Just didn't sleep well," I shrugged.

"Oh, that sucks. It's been a while since we hung out, just the two of us, and I thought maybe we could eat somewhere after work," he said.

For a moment, I remembered the first time he had asked me if I wanted to meet up outside of work. I had been so excited about it, happy to maybe have a friend. Now the idea of it didn't make me feel anything in particular.

"Yeah, not today. Gotta just get home and rest," I answered and took up my phone. I missed Alejo and had a vague thought of sending him a text or something.

When I opened the phone, I smiled a little to myself. There was a message from him waiting for me. But when I had opened the message, the smile instantly disappeared and any good feelings that I had managed to gain while working were shouted down by the words I read.

The message was short, to the point, and served as a confirmation of my worst worries.

Something came up. Can't pick you up. Don't know when back.

A logical part of me knew fully well that it could mean a thousand things. A logical part of me knew that the most probable thing was that something unexpected really had come up. But my mind didn't want to be logical at all. Instead, it spun down, down, down the spiral of anxiety and self-destruction and becoming surer and surer Alejo had started to grow sick and tired of me already.

"You okay?" Dereck asked.

I shook my head and said, "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You sure? Have you gotten a message?"

"I'm fine. It's nothing," I repeated and a similar but more intense irritation as I had had in the morning started coming back.

"Is it from him? What did he say? He's not being rude, is he?"

"I said I'm fine!" I yelled and stood up.

"I'm sorry, but if he's being rude then..."

"It's none of your business!" I turned and started to walk out.

"Where are you going?"

"Away!"

"Morana, just talk to me!"

"Shut up and just let me be, alright!"

I hurried away and out. Out of the store and a little away to some benches. There I sat down and looked at the message.

It was all just feeling like too much. I hated on myself and how I acted and wished that I could be different. And my exhaustion made everything worse. I wanted to go back to the morning and change everything about it. I wanted to agree to not go to work so that I instead could have spent the whole day with Alejo on the couch watching stupid movies or doing anything really. I just wanted to be with Alejo.

As a few tears fell, I tried to think a bit more reasonably. He maybe was busy, something really could have come up. And even if that wasn't the case, I wouldn't make him any less upset with me by wishing I had done things differently.

I took a deep breath and typed out a reply to him.

Okay. Any idea when you'll be back? Should I fix dinner for you?

I read the message a couple of times before hitting send. Then I went back to work.

Dereck was obviously upset with me for the rest of the day, but I really couldn't bring myself to care. Compared to how I had felt guilt over having been rude to Alejo, I felt like Dereck had deserved it. He had been obnoxious and things between me and Alejo really weren't any of his business.

"He's not here to pick you up?" Dereck commented on in a taunting voice when we left the store.

"No," I snapped back without looking at him. "And his name is Alejo."

All the while on my way home, my mind spun again. Alejo hadn't answered me and though I knew that could be because he was busy, that wasn't what my brain wanted me to think.

By the time I arrived at the apartment, I had already formulated a new message in my head, which I quickly sent.

I'm sorry for being rude this morning. I was upset about something, but it was wrong of me to take it out on you.

I went to the fridge and opened it to see what I could make dinner with. I stared blankly at its content for a long time before closing it. Instead, I went through the different takeout menus he had, but nothing sounded the least bit inviting.

Tears started to fall.

I went to my room and took Leramidon from his aquarium. Then I sat on the bed with him on my lap and just cried. I couldn't bring myself to do anything else. Not even think anything more. I just sat there in silence and cried.

After a long time, I brought my phone out again. There still weren't any answers.

My fingers shook as I pressed the call button. I didn't know what I would say if he answered, but I felt a desperate need for him.

The call went to voice mail, and I hung up.

I put Leramidon back and then laid down on the bed. In my hand was my phone and I had it open to Alejo's message. For a long time, I stared at it before typing one more message.

Can you please just let me know when you'll be back?

I closed it and tried to sleep, praying that when I woke up, he would be back.

Next time I checked the time, it was almost midnight. Being unsure if I had slept so I had missed him coming back, I looked through the apartment quickly, but it was cold and empty.

Are you okay?

I tried to go back to sleep.

Two am and he still wasn't back. In a desperate need to feel closer to him, I ended up laying down on his bed.

I miss you

Six am and I had a pounding headache. I knew I wouldn't be able to bring myself to go to work, so I sent a message saying I was sick. Then I sent one last message to Alejo.

I'm so sorry