Morana

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Calmness replaced my storming emotions as Alejo held me. I had been so anxious he would just be annoyed with me. But he was there, and he promised to be there no matter what, if I needed him. Not always and forever, but still there.

The fact that he hadn't promised always and forever calmed me even more, in fact. It made the promise feel more genuine. He hadn't said it simply to appease me in the moment, but really thought about the answer first.

So he maybe didn't care in the way I wanted, though hadn't even considered properly until that day, but he cared a lot. That was enough. I could swallow my crush and settle for friendship. I just hoped no one else would come and take him away.

My mood dropped, and the calmness started to turn stormy when I thought of that, so I promptly pushed the thought aside. I would stay in the here and now. If someone tried to steal him from me later on, I would deal with that then.

After having sat by the pond for a long time, we got up and made our way to the apartment. When we first stood up and I lost physical contact with Alejo, I almost felt like falling back down. But either he noticed, or something else made him, but he took hold of me and we walked hand in hand as if it was the most natural thing to do.

Once in the apartment, Alejo ordered dinner for us. I felt cold from having been outside for so long, so I sat on the couch with a blanket wrapped around me. He joined me, turned on the TV to a random channel and a cooking show came on. Then, just as naturally as it had been to hold hands, we rearranged our positions on the couch so that I leaned against him and he had an arm around me. We didn't need to speak. We just sat there, cuddled together, watching but also not watching the TV.

I tried to sort my emotions some more as we sat there, but not managing, so I gave up. I let myself feel sad and lonely, happy over having Alejo as a friend, in love but also heartbroken, and confused about everything in a way I couldn't remember having ever been before.

Being unreasonably hated, having people avoid me for no reason, being pushed aside and never believed. Being lonely and unwanted. Those were things I knew how to be.

What I didn't know was how to feel when someone showed they cared. How to trust it all wouldn't go away. How to accept kindness.

What I knew even less was how to deal with that I definitely had a crush on Alejo, but that he didn't feel the same way.

Sitting close to him, having his arms around me, made my feelings clearer for me. I was without a doubt attracted to him and wanted nothing more than to kiss him and get even closer to him. But he didn't feel that, and I knew I needed his friendship.

That in itself was strange to me. The friendship was so new, but I still felt it belonged to the most important things in my life. It maybe even was the most important thing. I didn't get why. Tried to explain it to myself as being because I was starved for friendship, but somehow that didn't feel like the right reason.

But I needed his friendship. I really did. So I had to stay in the friendzone, where he had put me. Friendzone was better than a no-zone.

The doorbell rang and Alejo went and got our food. Once we started eating, I decided it was time to break the silence and the gloomy atmosphere.

"Could I try magic again today?" I asked.

Alejo stopped with noodles hanging from chopsticks in mid-air.

"You can, yeah, but there is a risk that you will fall unconscious for a long time again. You might miss work again," he answered and continued eating.

I knew that, and I knew it was a bad idea. But work didn't seem like a place I wanted to be at anymore. Maybe I was a coward who didn't want to have to face Dereck again after my outburst today. Or maybe it was that spending the day with Alejo sounded much, much more appealing.

"I know. But I don't have many days off, so if I would only practice during them, then I'll never learn," I lied swiftly and hoped he would eat up the lie.

"Alright. Make sure to eat properly then. And maybe it would be good with some tea before, so you have as much energy as possible."

I nodded, not really caring much but instead getting excited about trying it out again.

We finished eating and Alejo forced me to drink cup after cup of the tea, four in total. Then I got into position on the floor and Alejo guided me through the meditation like last time. This time though, it went easy to take that last step. I smoothly went down to the deepest parts of me and the energy within me.

Just like last time, it was like threads spreading all over my body and it was buzzing with energy. I focus completely on that energy and tried to distinguish different parts of it. Tried to find my magic within it all.

It was hard, it all just buzzed too much. And it all intertwined. At some points, I thought I could make out different threads spinning around each other. But as soon as I registered it, they would melt together to one again. But I kept trying.

I had no idea what did it, how I managed. The thread became several and then one, then several again, and stayed like that a bit longer before becoming one. And then, then it separated and I could see the different ones spinning around each other and it all stayed that way.

There wasn't anything which made the threads different from one another, they were all just light. But I could still make them out as separate entities and I could make out my magic among them. As if it had a different aura than the rest.

I focus on that one, moved closer to it with my mind. It felt strong and light, and it was almost as if it purred with happiness as I focused on it.

I smiled in my mind, continuing to just feel my magic. Explored it and noticed how it had always been there, always been a part of me. I tried to see if I could get a better feeling of it, if there was more I could notice, learn about it.

My thread of magic complied and opened itself more to me, and what came made me withdraw from within myself as quickly as I could.

The thread had separated into two. One that shone brightly. That felt happy and alive and beautiful. Then there was the other one that was dark, that was black. That was the opposite of the first one. That was filled with death.

I opened my eyes, and my heart was pounding, my body shaking, my adrenaline rushing. I wanted to run and hide. But what scared me, what I was terrified of, was myself and there was no running from myself. That black thread confirmed something was wrong with me and all I wanted was to escape that knowledge.

But in my fear, I registered other emotions within me. But it was emotions that deeply contrasted my fear, and that didn't feel like they belonged to me.

Sadness, disappointment, loneliness, and a tiny bit of hope.