TFT Second Batch, Story 2:
Two Bad People by Sinndou

As of review date (September 21, 2024) the story has 39 parts. Since the first part only contains a short intro that serves as a teaser/blurb for the story, this review will not include the ‘Introduction’ and will only cover Chapter 1 to Chapter 3.

Since the first chapter of this story, I can already tell that the writer is comfortable with their chosen language and plot/idea because the narration flowed smoothly. I mean, look at this, and see how flawless this is:

Writing the romance aspect of this story is also one of the author’s strengths, because Giyo and Dox (main leads) has that chemistry and sizzling tension despite their cat and dog (enemies to . . . lovers???) trope! 😍

The only disruptions to an enjoyable reading experience are the errors in technical aspects and the contradictions or inconsistencies with the character/plot/within the scene.

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Inconsistencies

The inconsistencies need fixing the most, or else the author/narrator of the story will be unreliable for the readers. As a result, a reader might have a hard time going forward with the story because of the tendency to pause and rethink if they understood the previous chapters correctly, interrupting their reading flow. Readers might become confused about what's really going on in a chapter or a scene, and has the potential to drop the story.

• This is an example of contradicting statement from Chapter 1:

In this screenshot, the character claimed they are being ignored, and his parents have no expectations for him. Then, another statement later on will show that Dox Kiel’s parents were looking forward (therefore, ‘expecting’) for him to ‘build his experience and resume’ in Lambarde. These contradict each other, because Dox wanting ‘expectations’ from his parents but at the same time, hating his parents (or calling it ‘the worse part’) for expecting something from him just doesn’t imply the same thing.

• Another inconsistency from Chapter 1. How should the letter ‘e’ in Pace’s name be pronounced: è, é, or ê?

• Another contradictory statement:

The arrow underlined lines are sentences that supported the claim na ‘kaya ay naglayas ako,’ meaning, they are Dox’ reasons for eloping. He said here that he left because he could not bear his family's foolishness, contradicting what he head in the first part of the chapter where he said he left because he doesn't feel loved and pampered, and his parents has no expectations for him.

This also contradicts the course as to where the story is going. . . . But first, a recap on Dox' purposes (aka wants/needs) so far:

• Dox left because he doesn't get love and attention from his parents.
• Dox left because his family’s ‘worship’ for the Lambardes disgusts him.

Considering the recap, the next events of the story contradicts Dox’ purposes for leaving his family. Because what happens next is that he starts working for the Lambardes.

To be fair, the story says that Pace Lambarde employed Dox anyway despite of him not accepting the job offer. But what's bewildering is that Dox had 1) no desire to leave the Lambarde (Pace's criminal organization), or 2) had his parents well-informed that he works for the Lambardes already.

Now, that is confusing because the core of Dox' characterization (his 2 purposes) doesn't match his actions.

1) He said he wanted to get his parents' love and attention, but he doesn't even appreciate their admiration for him when they found out he works at the Lambarde. Instead, he worked on earning their disappointment by fcking around and ruining his reputation.
2) He said he found the Lambardes two-faced and is disgusted by his parents' worship for them, and yet he showed unwillingness to leave the organization.

This can leave a reader confused as to what does this character really want? It's hard to support a character's journey without knowing their 'goal.'

Good thing is, Dox finally found a consistent 'purpose' or 'goal' the moment he met Giyo. Now, we finally know Dox' main purpose: to outshine Giyo in the organization. But here comes the consistent flaw in the characterization as well: once again, Dox has no clear 'motive or purpose' as to why he wants to 'outshine' Giyo. He's just irritated but then the irritation has no steady root or basis.

The remedy I suggest for this is making an elaborate character sketch. This will serve as a guide on how the character should act or think in accordance to the given situation or plot in the story. Main focus must be the character's want, needs, motivation, and goal plus options for the character on how to reach those.

***

The chapters’ lengths are decent--short enough it doesn't make the reading experience too dragging, yet long enough to completely elaborate what’s going on in the chapter.

And as usual for first drafts, the author must pay attention to the technicalities of their work---grammar, punctuations, and such. It's nice to see only few technicality errors in the story.

The plot is promising because it presents a plot without giving away how the story as a whole will go (preventing the readers from being able to easily formulate theories, plot twists, and how the story will end). The author also seems comfortable and knowledgeable about the world building (underground organization) of this story.

And I love, most of all, how the author doesn't romanticize or glorify the 'illegal' nature of this world building:

👍🏻 Great job!

A little concern also is the use of characters/character names that are similar with other creative works due to existing laws on plagiarism (In this case, characters from Mobile Legends). Although these names can be mentioned in general, imitation of these characters (not just the name but also how they look like, e.g. Esmeralda) might be troublesome in terms of getting-published.

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Criterias:
• Readability (flow of the story, pacing, is the story easy to grasp/understand)
• Technicality (spelling, grammar, format)
• Content (plot, characterization, choice of words, theme and/or message of the story)

Readability: 3.5/5
Technicality: 3.5/5
Content: 4/5 (most of the points went to the world building)

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Sinndou's ‘Two Bad People’ has the potential to a be an action-romance BL novel that uses a modern yet relatable voice to address a familiar issue between love, friendships, betrayal, and starting over in life. As the reviewer of its first three chapters, I believe this is possible once the author addresses the characterization of their lead character, Dox, who is mostly (as far as Chapters 1 to 3 are concerned) the narrator of the story. The readers must understand Dox’ purpose to develop  a reliance in his side of the story.

***
Dear Sinndou,

Whether this is just a hobby or a stepping stone to becoming a published author, good luck on your writing journey!

A,

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Have some realizations about writing that is not mentioned in my list? Have more questions?

Comment here!

Interested with Sinndou’s stories? You can follow them on Wattpad!

♥️