How are you, dear? Guess what? blackvandit 's The Young King's Old Maid is the last story that I am going to review for The First Three's first batch!

The first three parts of the story that will be featured here are Prologue, 1 – First Meeting and 2 – His Majesty.

PROLOGUE

* Please take note that my basis for the definition of what a Prologue is, is from masterclass.com:

A prologue is a piece of writing found at the beginning of a literary work, before the first chapter and separate from the main story. The definition of prologue introduce important information—such as background details, or characters—that have some connection to the main story, but whose relevance is not immediately obvious.

As per the Prologue in this story, I could not tell at first that it is a prologue because of the delivery or the way it was written. This chapter only covers what is going to be seen in Chapters 1 and 2, and not really the entirety of the novel's plot a.k.a a content separate from the main story. It looked like a short introduction about the characters or book blurb, but since it provided some of the criteria's for what a prologue must consist of—background details, characters—then, it is safe to say that it fits to be used as a prologue.

*The story was written in present-tense English, and grammar-wise, it was well-written with little technical errors that needed fixing. Kudos to that!

The following are the only things that I think, needed some improvement for this chapter:

- Redundancy:

She's a spinster, an old maid, an unmarried woman who doesn't have a family of her own in the ripe and mature life existence of three decades and a half.

'Spinster,' 'old maid,' and 'an unmarried woman' meant the same thing! And it is unnecessary to mention that she 'doesn't have a family of her own' because it was a given that she is an old maid, a spinster, or unmarried. In this case, the culprit is the delivery of the sentence which made the narrative seem very redundant. There are three ways, I suggest, to remedy this:

-- It can be simplified like this: She's an unmarried woman at the ripe and mature life existence of three decades and a half.

-- It can be delivered with emphasis (which I think was the real intention of the author and haven't executed right): That's why, people call her a spinster. Some call her an old maid. It's all because she's an unmarried woman at the ripe and mature life existence of three decades and a half. or That's why, people call her a spinster. Some call her an old maid. It's all because she doesn't have a family of her own at the ripe and mature life existence of three decades and a half.

--It can also be delivered in a style that will make it seem that the narrator is teaching us important information: She's an old maid, which in Romanovia means, an unmarried woman at the ripe and mature life existence of three decades and a half.

I am also quite uncertain if the term 'ripe' is consistent with the term 'mature' because they contrast in meaning. In general, when something is 'ripe' it means, it has reached it's right age. Meanwhile, 'mature' means reaching the highest age/year required for something (which is why the end date/due date of some legal agreements are termed as 'maturity' or  'maturity date'. But since 'ripe' also meant 'fully matured,' I am not going to question this further.

- Unjustified Narrative:

Now the council of the kingdom wants to see little princes and princesses loitering around the castle grounds. If the notorious King Nikolov doesn't deliver, well the people won't be giving their trust and loyalty to a royal with a bad reputation after his name.

In this narrative, it wasn't justified why having a child is heavily required from the king. It is important to clearly know why the council thinks it is important for a king to have children because in the narration above, we are only seeing the perspective on what if the king never had kids instead of the scenario where he starts having children. The comparison between the two scenarios is important for readers to feel the gravity of the situation and understand why matters about having children it is very problematic not just for King Nikolov but also for the people around him (like the council.)

- Inconsistency:

Freedom? What's that?

When he can have it in the form of a shy, voluptuous woman currently dusting furniture and changing his bedsheets, wearing that hideous, baggy uniform to hide her delicious curves from malicious eyes?

A little introduction about inconsistency—inconsistency happens when a narration or part of the story doesn't support the preceding or succeeding statements. In the italicized statement above, it wasn't clear what he can have it meant. What can he have in the form of Camilla? Children or the freedom to do his hedonistic lifestyle/ sex life?

When you read Freedom What's that? it gives the impression that King Nikolov is questioning the importance of his freedom which is contradictory with his values (which is he values his freedom more than anything else). In the above excerpt from the story, King Nikolov seemed to say he stopped caring about his freedom but contradicts the context of the following paragraph which implies that he can have his freedom with Camilla. I recommend this part of the prologue to be rephrased or re-arranged.

1 – First Meeting

*As for this chapter, the flow of the story is good. Enough details and descriptions regarding the character and her situation were given although there is a little problem when it comes to establishing the setting of the story. Although it is mentioned that she's in the palace and mentioned the things that could be found in the royal chamber that she was cleaning, the world building is still not clear for me except for the fact that since the character spoke in old-fashion, then the story must be set during the old times.

Nothing much also happened in this chapter, just the female lead contemplating about her background and her job, which, I think is supposed to have already been discussed in the Prologue so the story can start moving forward in this chapter.

*What needs improvement in this chapter (aside from the usual checking of technicalities) are the following:

- The use of active voice over passive voice:

-----------Original version (written in passive voice):

-----------But the said royal occupying this place, that I do not know.

-----------Rewritten version (written in active voice):

-----------But I never know who is the royalty occupying this chamber.

I understand that the author wanted to put an old-times effect with the characters' dialogues, but it can still be achieved when using an active voice in writing narrations or dialogues. But since we are using a first person POV in here, add more power to the voice of the speaker (and subconsciously keep reader thinking of the lead character/speaker) by using an active voice in writing.

For those who have no idea what's the difference between active and passive voice, here's a brief explanation from merriam-webster.com:

When a sentence is in the active voice, the subject of the sentence is the one doing the action expressed by the verb. In the passive voice, the subject is the person or thing acted on or affected by the verb's action.

- Avoid fragmenting like how this part is written:

Which brought me as to why I am here, doing this job, sweeping marbled floors, dusting invisible cobwebs over my head.

Fragmenting or Fragment means an incomplete sentence. The author has compiled a series of incomplete sentences in the excerpt above.

-----------Fragment #1: Which brought me as to why I am here

-----------Fragment #2: Doing this job

-----------Fragment #3: Sweeping marbled floors

-----------Fragment #4: Dusting invisible cobwebs over my head

Since the sentence created is a compilation of fragments, it takes a while to understand what it really means. The scenario above can be solved by using conjunctions (e.g. and, or, but, if, etc.)

Rewritten version:

What I saw reminded me of why I am in this royal chamber—to do my job which is to clean it. Cleaning the royal chamber means sweeping its marbled floors and dusting the seemingly invisible cobwebs over my head.

2 – His Majesty

* In the prologue, it wasn't justified why the council thinks it is important for a king to have children. Although I required it to be explained in the prologue, this chapter--2 - His Majesty--which is narrated in King Nikolov's POV is also a good chapter for this justification to be done. Unfortunately, it is still not clarified here why it is very important for Nikolov to have children.

*We will also go back to my concern in chapter 1 about the world building. Since the Prologue (and due to the lack of clear establishment of the setting),  I had the impression as a reader that the story is set during the old times because of the following:

-Conservatism = The king needs to wear a mask to hide from the public his hedonistic/sexual lifestyle and maintain a respectable image/reputation. Also, age gap and caste is a trivial matter that must be considered when becoming a couple

-The terminologies used such as 'merchant,' and the way that the characters speak gives Old English vibe.

Now, this is the bigger concern:

Without clothes on I walked to the mini bar in my condo and poured myself a glass of wine. I didn't plan to get drunk.

In the excerpt, modern terminologies are used such as 'condo' and 'mini bar.' This is why it is important to provide clear details about the kind of world that the characters are moving in (a.k.a the story's worldbuilding), in order to have a grasp on what the kingdom of Romanovia is really like. This could have been put in the Prologue or during the first part of King Nikolov's POV (when he introduces himself, he can also introduce what kind of place Romanovia is).

*On the bright side, the 'sexy' scene in this chapter is well-written. It was brief, and the choice of words are good. It served its purpose to show the king's lifestyle without making the readers so well-invested/emotionally-invested in it.

***

SUMMARY:

Overall, The Young King's Old Maid has an interesting setting—the kingdom of Romanovia--which is supposed to be used as the strength of the novel whose foundation is a common trope of age-gap romance. The voices of the speakers in this first person POV format novel is distinct/distinguishable and so far, fitting with their personality! The author should maximize this unique world building though, in order to heighten the fantasy that the readers will experience as they witness King Nikolov and Camilla's unconventional story (and upcoming steamy scenes).

***

CONCLUSION:

I hope we all learned the following from this review:

-Established worldbuilding is important in a story—especially when it is set in an unfamiliar place. The character's unique world helps the reader understand why the lead characters' issues that are not that much important in the modern world (like caste, age gap, healthy sex lifestyle) must matter for the readers when they imagine themselves to be in the story's world. World building doesn't just consist of how the place looks like but also how its society runs, its tradition/culture/beliefs, and the language (or manner of speaking) that its people use.

-When writing first person POV, always bring your reader's attention to the existence of the speaker. Always make them feel that the speaker is talking to them by always making the speaker make themself the subject of each sentence a.k.a using active voice in constructing sentences.

-Do not be afraid to justify why a conflict is a very problematic for the character. The readers are not after the disclosure of the risks of the conflict but are actually curious how the conflict will be solved.

-Avoid fragmenting. Clearly state what the characters really mean when they are explaining something, because we share a message through our stories and for that to happen, we have to complete the thoughts in the sentences we write.

***

LEARN FROM THE AUTHOR:

-When adapting a familiar story trope (e.g. age gaps and caste gaps) make it feel like a brand new concept and interest your readers by using it in a story set in a unique world/place!
-Kmowing your characters well helps you showcase their tone and personality perfectly upon execution of their POV chapters!

***

Had some realizations about writing that is not mentioned on my list? Have questions?

Comment here!

Interested with blackvandit 's stories?

Follow the author

blackvandit