TFT Second Batch, Story 1:
Him in a Sense of Nostalgia by pagesofanhedonia

As of review date (May 29, 2024) the story only has seven parts. Since the first two parts only contains a short intro and a playlist, I decided to review up to part 4.

The story begins in ‘2’ so this is where the review will start, and this covers ‘2’ to ‘4.’

So, far the flow of the first three chapters are smooth. The language is simple, which gives this book potential when it comes to engaging readers to keep reading (readability), especially when the target audience or readers are teens (since college students are the lead characters in this story,) or those with short-attention spans and wanted quick reads.

The chapters seem too short though, as they only narrate one scene in a singular setting which is why, in my opinion, it's more appropriate for ‘2’ to be labeled as a prologue or introduction instead of being a chapter. Especially when this chapter is followed by a chapter that already occured one month after the events in this chapter happened.

The main improvement that author needs to work on all the chapters I have read from this story is the technical aspect of their writing---grammar, punctuations, and such.

For example, in this screenshot ‘nalang’ is written as one word when they are supposed to be two separate words ‘na lang:’

In this one, the pov is already written in first person. So in order to separate the narrator mode of the speaker from their inner thoughts during a particular scene is to either use single quotations or italicize the phrase ‘Ano ba, Omega. Umayos ka nga:’

On this part ‘magseatbelt’ should be ‘mag-seat belt’ and the dialogue tag must start in a small letter if it is not a separate sentence from the dialogue itself:

Now, about the content:

It’s hard to sympathize with the lead character, Omega, because the story did not elaborate the cause of her pain. Yes, we witnessed in ‘2’ the breakup and in ‘3’ how her breakup with Magno badly affected her, but  ‘3’ and ‘4’ only gave us a vague or unclear image as to why it hurts her to see Alexis with Magno:

In this part, she only saw them together. It did not justify Omega’s feeling of being betrayed. This can only be remedied by specifying what Magno and Alexis are doing together that made her suspicious of the two.

As a reader, you cannot take Omega’s side in the love triangle because it's hard to trust her statements for being vague on parts that she was supposed to know the details. And as a first POV writer, the most important thing to establish between the speaker/lead character and your readers is trust. The readers must believe every word the speaker says, and the lack of details that the character is supposed to know from their POV compromises that.

Alexis being a good friend is more well-established in part ‘3’ than the possibility of being either a boyfriend stealer or a friend who is more loyal to Magno than towards her. So now, that the reader sort of mistrust the lead character’s side of the story, will they keep reading and risk being made a fool by the narrator or . . . stop?

The reason why it's hard to believe Omega’s pain: there's a possibility that Magno and Alexis saw each other at the grocery by coincidence, the same way that Omega happened to see them there by accident. Therefore, there's a need to justify in the story's detail as to why Omega thinks that the two shopped together in order for readers to agree that that moment is really ‘painful.’

It’s also a loophole for me how Omega managed to avoid Alexis for two days (Alexis who used to freely enter her bedroom in ‘3’) or how Alexis hasn't managed to explain her side. Aren't they supposed to have time to talk before Omega left for beach outing with her cousins? (Isn't it supposed to take at least, a say or two to plan a beach outing?) If Alexis can still send texts to Omega, how come she didn't text her explanation as well? These questions are present due to lack of details that supports the actions, beliefs, and decisions of the lead character, Omega.

Also, in this part, the term ‘kaladkarin’ has two meanings--one meant a person who easily agrees to travel or joins a trip, while the other meant a person who easily agrees to flirt or have sex with other people. I get what the author really meant with the term when she used it in ‘4’ but I would suggest that the meaning of the term would be added here to avoid confusion:

Lastly, the author has to add more details in ‘4’ to justify why Omega in just a span of 2 days, was easily convinced by her cousins to forgive Alexa and Magno just because life is short:

Take note that the issue being implied here is that Omega was being betrayed by the two people who are closest to her. If she ‘mourned’ for Magno for a month, then how come it became easier for her to cope when she found out the specific and possible reason behind their breakup?

To remedy this, in my opinion, Omega must have:

1) an established characterization (how does she really deal with pain? does she easily recover or does it take her weeks to recover?) and;

2) an excuse that personally came from within, from her own belief, and not from her cousins' suggestion (Life is to short to be not happy) as to why she is reconnecting with Alexa. It's important because this is her story and it is her own belief that must be understood by the readers, not her cousin's. Meaning, her emotional standing in the situation is most important in order for the readers to understand her decision.

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Criterias:
• Readability (flow of the story, pacing, is the story easy to grasp/understand)
• Technicality (spelling, grammar, format)
• Content (plot, characterization, choice of words, theme and/or message of the story)

Readability: 3/5
Technicality: 2.5/5
Content: 3.5/5

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apagesofahedonia's ‘Him in a Sense of Nostalgia’ has the potential to a be a teen fiction that uses a modern yet relatable voice to address a familiar issue between love, friendships, betrayal, and starting over in life. As the reviewer of its first three chapters, I believe this is possible once the author addresses the technical aspects of their writing and the characterization of her lead character, Omega, which is the force that propels the story forward.

Whether this is just a hobby or a stepping stone to becoming a published author, good luck on your writing journey!

A,

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Have some realizations about writing that is not mentioned in my list? Have more questions?

Comment here!

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