I don't know how long we stood there like that, with me holding him in my arms, but I was thankful Colt was letting me console him. He didn't speak, didn't let me into his head. I knew his mind must be racing with doubts and fears.

Like losing custody of Kash.

It didn't seem possible that anyone else could step forward and challenge Colt's custody of Kash, but anything was possible. He wasn't actually his father and what if Katrina's aunt wanted Kash? She was a blood relative. 

But I couldn't imagine life without Kash. Or picture Colt ever being truly happy without his son. So we'd have to find a way to keep him with us. To keep him where he belonged. We were his family now.

Colt lifted his head, his eyes full of emotion as he peered down at me. I held his face in my hands and watched his eyes drift closed. So much had happened and I could see how exhausted he was. I tugged on his hand and led him to our room. Colt paused at Kash's door and we peeked in on him before Colt tucked him in a bit tighter. The lingering kiss to his son's forehead told me that Colt was dreading sharing the news of Katrina's death. Kash would be so devastated. 

After closing Kash's door, I led Colt to our bedroom and guided him to sit at the end of our bed. I knelt before him and squeezed his knees with both hands. "Tell me what I can do...how I can help you right now."

Colt tipped his head back and stared up the ceiling. "I don't...maybe I should go stay upstairs. I'm not sure I'll even be able to sleep tonight."

When he lowered his gaze, I shook my head. "No running, please. I'll give you space if you need it but please don't go."

Colt blinked at me with a blank expression. "Okay, Butterfly. Let me just get a shower then."

I stood and nodded, fully prepared to join him. "Alone," he added gently, pressing a kiss to the top of my head before slipping behind the bathroom door.

I tried not to take it personally, knowing what a mess his head must be. After changing into shorts and a tank top, I waited for him in bed with a book I could hardly pay attention to. I was nearly asleep when I felt him climb up the bed and wrap his arms around my midsection. He buried his face in my chest and I waited to see if he wanted to talk. I couldn't keep my fingers out of his hair or my hands from dragging up and down his bare back.

After nearly an hour of silence in which I was convinced Colt had fallen asleep, I heard him whisper, "I can't cry for her. I'm so fucking pissed she did this to Kash. How could she leave him? How could she be so careless?"

I had no answer. I couldn't defend her. I couldn't understand it either. Kash was such a joy to be around. Colt lifted his head and peered up at me with a furrowed brow. Seeing the hurt in his face tore me to shreds. "I'm so sorry," I gasped, failing to swallow back the tears forming in my eyes.

Colt reached up and traced one with his finger. "You're crying...for her?"

"No, baby," I sighed. "I'm crying for you. For what you're about to face. And I'm crying for Kash losing his mother at such a young age. I know how much it's going to hurt."

Recognition flashed in Colt's eyes and then his lips captured mine. We held each other, kissing softly and grieving for mothers lost to drugs and selfishness. We all had that in common now.

When I awoke the next morning, I found his side of the bed cold. I yawned and stretched, a small smile beginning on my face in the seconds before I remembered she was gone. I listened for the sounds of their voices and heard only the soundtrack from cartoons on the TV.

I crept into the living room in time to catch Colt shutting off the TV with the remote. He pulled Kash into his arms and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. My stomach twisted when I thought about how much Kash would hurt in the moments following Colt's revelation. 

Colt took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak before his gaze fell to me, watching from the hallway and feeling unsure about whether or not it was appropriate for me to be here. Colt lifted his hand and waved me over, silently encouraging me to join them. I tucked my feet under my bottom and knelt beside Colt on the couch. Any doubt I had was extinguished when Colt curled an arm around my shoulders and dragged me close. I gave Kash a quick squeeze, which he eagerly returned. 

The happy moment didn't last when Colt began to speak.

"I wanted to talk to you, buddy. I need to tell you something about your mom."

"Is she coming to get me? She missed my birthday yesterday," Kash reminded us.

"No, she's not coming," Colt sighed. "Your mom…"

Colt was hesitating, choking on the words and how to share something like this with the son he so dearly did not want to hurt. 

"Your mom...passed away last night," he finally blurted. "She isn't coming back and I'm so sorry."

Kash's eyes grew wide as the words slowly sunk in. "She...was sick? I don't understand."

Colt was staring at his lap, struggling with how to explain something so delicate. I paused as I considered whether or not I needed to jump in. "She took some medicine and when it was time to wake up, she couldn't." 

Kash blinked up at me with a furrowed brow. "But she missed my birthday. She was supposed to be here for my party."

Colt rubbed his hand up and down over Kash's back and nodded. "I'm sure she tried to but she didn't make it. I'm sorry."

Kash's gaze fell to his lap, where his hands were squeezing into little fists. "She promised me she would come back. How could she lie to me?"

His face was scrunched up in anger, his voice rising the longer he thought about it. When I reached for him, needing so badly to console him, he twisted away from us and stood. "Can I go outside?"

His question seemed to shock us both. "Outside?" Colt echoed. "I don't…"

"Please? The bounce house and slide are still there. I just want to go bounce until they have to go back."

Colt glanced at me in confusion and I nodded. I didn't see the harm in it, even if it didn't make sense to us. "The rental company should be here soon to take it down...but sure, you can go bounce until then."

The words had barely left Colt's mouth when Kash dashed for the patio slider and bound out the door. We both sat there with our mouths open until Colt's expression fell. "I'll go start making breakfast," I replied blankly, needing something to do.

Colt nodded and when I moved to stand, he pulled me close. I buried my nose in his neck and held him tightly. I wish I knew what to do, what to say to help him, but we were both equally baffled by Kash's strange behavior. 

After busying myself making a small batch of Kash's favorite muffins and a small fruit salad, I tried to get Colt to eat. He hadn't left his spot at the back door where he was vigilantly watching his son bounce. He refused, tearing his gaze from the backyard so he could address me. 

"I really need to go meet with Maria. She's so distraught and asking me for help planning…" His voice trailed off, but I understand. Final arrangements had to be made.

"What can I do?"

Colt let out a deep breath as he gathered me in his arms. "Fuck, what would I do without you?" he murmured into my hair as he cuddled me close. 

I held him tightly, thankful he was still not running from this difficult situation. 

"I feel like such an ass leaving him right now," he admitted when we released each other. 

"Don't," I insisted. "I'll stay here with Kash. I can try to talk to him."

Colt nodded and pushed my hair from my face before kissing me softly. "I've called the rental place but it may be another hour before they can get here."

"I'll handle it," I assured him. "And I'll try to get Kash to eat something."

Colt glanced out to his son again and nodded absently. "I'm not sure how long it will take…"

"It's fine," I reassured him. "Take all the time you need."

Colt gave me another kiss before darting off to get dressed. I wasted no time making up a little tray of food I could take to Kash in hopes of encouraging him to eat. Colt and I passed each other and he forced a smile. I wanted the real thing, but I knew better.

….

I poked my head into the mesh doorway of the bounce house and found Kash on his back, staring up the ceiling. "Knock, knock," I called out, not even earning me a reaction. "I brought you some breakfast ...it's your favorite muffins."

Kash raised his head a bit and peered over at me. "I'm not hungry," he grumbled.

I placed the tray outside on the ground and considered retreating before changing my mind. "May I join you?"

"I don't care," Kash sighed, not bothering with eye contact.

I slipped off my slippers and climbed into the over-inflated structure. I crawled awkwardly toward him, trying to maintain my balance on the uneven surface. Once I reached him, I moved to lie beside him, mirroring his pose with one hand tucked behind my head, on my back with my legs splayed out. "This is comfy," I admitted, staring up at the ceiling like he was. 

Kash didn't reply. I waited for him to say something, to let me in. I thought I was ready to help him until he finally admitted his thoughts so quietly I wasn't sure I heard him correctly. 

"I hate her."

I blinked as I watched his body tense up. He was reeling from the emotion of it all. I took a moment to consider my response, because I knew how precious this moment was. He was opening up to me. 

"I get it. I really do. It sucks."

Kash turned his head and stared at me with confusion in his eyes. "You're not mad? You're not gonna tell me I'm wrong?"

"No," I whispered. "It's how you feel. How could that be wrong?"

Kash seemed to contemplate my reaction and I waited to see what else he would say. 

"I'm just so mad at her. How could she do that? How could she leave me?"

His questions were heartbreaking. I sucked in a deep breath and replied. "Sometimes moms leave. Mine did. My mom chose to leave me. Just got up and packed up one day and took off.. I never saw her until Charlie died. And then I was so mad, I told her to get away from me. I was hurt and that was okay for me to be mad."

Kash seemed to be considering my reply. "Do you think my mom wanted to leave me?" he finally asked, his voice starting to break.

"Oh, honey no. I don't believe she did. I think she had every intention of coming back to you, but…" I paused as I struggled to come up with an explanation. "But I think she made a mistake."

"I wish she loved me more than drugs." 

His statement shocked me. We told him it was medicine, not drugs. Then I wondered how much he knew, what he had seen in the months leading up to this. He knew his mom was taking drugs?

"Your mom loved you, Kash. I know she did."

Kash rolled onto his side to face me and I did the same. "How can you be sure?"

"She stayed. She fought to keep you. She wanted you in her life. She came for her visits and she left you with your dad."

Kash looked away and thought deeply. "She told me she didn't want to fight with Dad anymore. She said she wanted me to have fun with my new room and my friends and my school. But she was crying when she said it."

"That's because it was hard to let you go. Just like it was hard for your dad not to have you here. And her letting you come stay with us must have made her sad, but she did it because she wanted you to be happy. That's love, Kash. When you put someone else's happiness above your own, that's real love. Your mom loved you very much."

A peacefulness washed over him and I could feel his demeanor change. "I was afraid to tell my dad how mad I was. That's why I came out here to bounce. I didn't want him to be mad at me for not being sad."

"You're allowed to be mad or sad or however you feel. Your mom let you down. Your dad will always love you, Kash. Don't ever doubt that."

Kash let my words seep in and I prayed I was giving him the right advice. Suddenly he jumped to his feet and held his hands out to me. "Wanna bounce with me, Corri?"

I smiled brightly, completely blindsided at this boy's ability to handle this impossible situation. I struggled to stand and even fell over a couple times, causing Kash to giggle uncontrollably. We bounced around until the rental company showed up to take everything away. I sat with Kash as he watched them and he munched on his muffins. He was quiet again, but I let him be. He was working through some confusing feelings and I took solace in the fact that maybe, just maybe, I had helped him.

…

Hours later I glanced up to find Colt sagging against the kitchen doorway, watching Kash and I scooping balls of cookie dough onto parchment lined baking sheets. Exhaustion was rolling off of him in waves, but he still managed a smile when Kash caught him watching us.

Colt lowered himself into the chair beside me and wrapped his arms around Kash. "I missed you," he whispered into his son's temple. "How are you feeling?"

Kash chattered about his day, not as enthusiastic as he would normally have been but better than this morning. Colt reached for me when I rose from the table and began cleaning up our mess. "Thank you," he murmured before kissing me softly. 

I watched Colt carry Kash away and begin their bedtime routine. I had hoped it would ease them both to do something so familiar and maybe later Colt would want the dinner I had saved for him.

Later after I was standing in the bathroom and nearly ready for bed, Colt staggered in and leaned over me. I was facing the mirror, applying some lotion to my arms when I felt the weight of his body resting heavily against my back. His hands gripped the edge of the counter as he buried his face in the crook of my neck. 

"Tell me what you need," I begged, searching for his gaze in the mirror's reflection. 

"Just you," he mumbled against my skin before lifting his eyes to meet mine. 

"You got me," I whimpered when he began pushing my shorts down and peeling off my tank top. 

I gasped when his big arms encircled my waist and he swiftly dragged me to our bed. I climbed to the head of the bed and moaned when I felt his naked body covering my back. His weight felt delicious, holding me down and pinning me to the bed. His lips and teeth were brushing over the back of my neck as his hands trailed up my arms and finally gripped my wrists.

His breath was hot and heavy in my ear and I could feel his hips flexing but not making contact. "Colt, please," I murmured, turning my head toward his mouth.

"I shouldn't," he panted against my lips. "I'm feeling...out of control and I wouldn't want to...hurt you."

I squirmed underneath him until my thighs were spread and he was nestled so perfectly, his hard length hovering right outside my damp center. I was ready for him, needing some friction, but he was still hesitant. I swiveled my hips in a circle and arched my back until just the tip peeked inside me. 

"Fuck," we both hissed simultaneously.

Colt was breathing into my hair, his body frozen. "It's okay," I reassured him. "I want this. And you whatever you need me more for, I'm ready. You can't hurt me."

"Baby," he protested. 

"Fuck me," I groaned. "Fuck me now or else I'm getting my vibrator and taking care of it myself."

The words had barely left my lips when Colt thrusted forward and he filled me completely. His strokes were punishing and his pace was frantic. He reached underneath me and held my breasts as he pounded deeply. His mouth was panting in my ear with filthy words and dirty sexual descriptions I had never heard before. 

My climax was building and when his fingertips pinched my nipples, I went off like a rocket, triggering his own release and prompting his repeated grunts in my ear. "Fuck, I love you," reverberated through my entire body. 

We floated back from our highs and I sighed when he pulled away from me. I rolled onto my side to find him gazing down at me with a furrowed brow. "I'm sorry for…"

I wouldn't let him finish that thought because I was pressing my body to his, covering his mouth with mine, and letting all the love I felt for him pour into my kisses. He was hurting and stressed, but I had no problem letting him use me to take out some of that aggression. And I knew it was better than him shutting me out so I gathered him in my arms and quietly consoled him until he fell asleep.