
Five - Dani Don't Do It
"He's just using me to get back at Jen," I tell the girls. All three of them sit around Allion's bedroom as I pace back and forth. "I don't want to be a pawn."
"Dani you've done nothing but worry about this for days. Personally, I think you should go. Jamie will see you with Sean, and he'll get jealous. It's a win, win. You're both using each other," Becca pipes up. "What's the worst that could happen? You have to spend some time with Sean? Sean is a god damn babe. Sean is the kind of guy girls drool over in teen movies."
"He's also the kind of guy to punch Jamie in the face," I counter. "He's a bad guy."
"Boys hit each other all the time."
I roll my eyes at Becca. One day he's a psycho and the next he's my ideal opportunity.
Allison says, "I don't know. Maybe you shouldn't get involved in their drama. Sean's hot, yeah, but it's not worth Jen digging her claws in you. Trust me, I chased Sean for months. He's never moving on from Jen."
"She wants Jamie anyway, not Sean," Becca says. "Who cares if Sean's in love with Jen?"
I crash onto Allison's bed. Alisha speaks up, "Maybe it'll be fun."
"What?" I sit up, surprised to hear such words leave her lips.
"Maybe it'll be fun," she repeats, shrugging.
"Are you feeling okay?" Becca questions her.
"I'm fine. I just think Dani should experience her first date, that's all. If Jamie is with Jen now, that shouldn't stop you from living your life."
"You really think I should go tonight?"
Alisha smiles. "Yeah. Worst comes to worst, at least you have a good story."
"What did Emilie say about it?" Allison asks.
"I didn't tell her. She would just tell me to do it. Emilie is always telling me to live a little."
"I think you have an answer then," Becca mumbles.
My heart begins to beat harder. I run my bottom lip through my teeth, thinking about Emilie and the scissors as they ran through her hair. I can hear the sound of it now-the noise of each hair being severed by the blades.
"Okay," I breathe. "Okay. I'll go."
It's an impulsive decision. I leave Allison's to get ready for the football game. When I was a freshman, we used to go to every game because it felt like the right thing to do as new high school students. Over the years, I realized that I don't care about sports. Becca just wanted to go so she could meet boys. Allison went, well, for whatever football player she was crushing on at the time. Alisha used to go to watch the game, but after she met Javier, she stopped going to them. I thought Allison might come with me because Nick is playing as well, but she has too much homework.
So, I leave my house on my own in a pair of jeans and a cute top. Emilie asked where I was going. I told her the game but left out the important details. The entire walk there, I bite my bottom lip and the inside of my cheeks. If I devour myself, then this anxious feeling in my chest would die.
It's the perfect temperature for a football game. It's not too cold yet, but no longer irritatingly hot. I walk through the bustling parking lot and get in line at the entrance. Once through the gates, I almost pretend to be someone else-someone who talks to guys and goes out with guys and isn't totally awkward. Dating me must be like dating a fifteen-year-old; I'm shy and nervous and inexperienced. As I push through the crowd surrounding the concession stand, I can't help but let doubt creep in.
A few eyes here and there watch me. I supposed word spread about Sean approaching me at lunch, and now I'm confirming their suspicions.
The game starts, but I head to the bathroom. Girls are lined up in front of the mirror, fixing makeup, checking their hair, discreetly popping small pills in their mouths. I push into a stall and overhear a conversation happening one stall over.
"He's a pig anyway," one girl says.
"I know. I guess I'm just a fucking idiot because I still want him. I want him even though he's a pig. It's like he can do anything to me-anything-and I would still love him. I'm sure there have been other times too. I don't even want to think about how many other girls there's been."
It's a world I hardly understand. Sure, I hear drama from the girls, but I didn't know every girl has it bad. I didn't know every girl is treated this way. The bathroom is an orchestra of tears and rants and coughing.
I sit and watch the game. Most of the time I'm texting in our group chat, updating again and again that nothing has happened. My eyes are glued to Sean as whistles blow and people cheer and boys shout. It's like he's a character. He yells and throws the ball-quarterback, player, high school god. White teeth, tall, good grades, golden boy, but he punches people and chases the same girl. He's unreachable. All of us are meant to look up from below as he poses on his pedestal. Sean Donovan was just a source of mindless drama; he was never supposed to be reachable.
When the game ends, I hang back. I wait at the bottom of the bleachers, wondering if he's forgotten that he asked me to come. He's constantly surrounded by people. His teammates celebrate their win then gather their things. Students, usually girls, come up to Sean and say what I'm guessing is a flirty congratulations. I grow insecure in my spot until he looks my way.
Sean smiles. He waves me over.
I hesitantly head onto the field, to the bench where he chats with a few guys while going through his duffel bag. I slowly walk up to him with my arms crossed.
"Hey," I say softly. I look to my feet as if they might ignite from being on forbidden territory.
"You came," he says. He looks at me for a moment before turning to his friends. "Alright, I'll see you guys later."
Sean slings his bag over his shoulder. We walk off the field then through the gates. "I'm parked just over here," he says and points to a new truck.
"Uh, you played really well," I mutter, trying to make small-talk.
He peers back at me with the same teasing smile as if he knows it makes me all weird. "Yeah? Glad you think so."
When we get to his truck, Sean tosses his bag in the back then changes his shirt, taking it off right in front of me. I look away. He doesn't seem to notice.
Faced away, I say, "I know this is all to make Jen jealous. That's fine. I guess I'm just curious as to why you picked me."
The sound of the zipper on his bag causes me to look back. Sean motions for me to get in the car. Thinking this is all just some ploy, I do. He must want to discuss his plans in private where no one will overhear.
I take my place in the passenger seat. He closes his door, sighs, then looks to me. "Hungry?"
"What?"
"I'm starving," he mutters then pulls out of the parking spot.
As he drives off of school property, I say, "Wait. I'm confused."
"What about?"
It's like nothing bothers him.
"What are we doing?"
Sean glances at me. I clench my jaw. There's something about him that I ignored before because I never thought anything like this would happen. Butterflies prod at my insides, and I actually think about leaning over and pressing my lips to his. Jamie is pushed to the back on my mind as if Sean is taking his place.
"We're grabbing something to eat," he says. "Is that alright?"
"But-"
"This isn't about Jen. Jen and I-we're over."
I keep my eyes forward. "Then what did you want from me? I don't get it. If I'm not here to make her jealous, then why do you need me?"
He stops at a red light. Our eyes connect. "Look, Dani, I saw you sitting in the cafeteria, and I couldn't figure out why a girl like you would be sitting alone. I couldn't figure out why there wasn't a guy sitting there with you. I thought to myself: Hey, I would really like to take a girl like that out. Now here we are."
I roll my lips together. "I don't know. Boys don't like me, I guess."
"Aw, come on. Don't give me that. All the guys like you, you just don't let them."
I can't help but laugh a little. "All the guys don't like me. Did you hit your head out there or something?"
"Girls like Jen-they get all the attention because they show a lot of skin, they flirt, they know what they want, they know what they have. But girls like Jen, they live for the attention. Guys like them now because all high school boys want is to lose it before college, but those girls-they're untamable."
I don't notice I'm staring at him until he glances my way. "So what? You can't have Jen so you're settling?"
Sean sighs.
"I'm an easy target, I know. I haven't had a lot of boyfriends. I'm unaware of my femininity. I don't like the attention. You think I'm tame-able? Or you think you can get a hook up out of me while you explore your options outside of popular girls? I said yes to meeting you because everyone knows you're never getting over her. You two will be back together by next week."
"You really think so?" He asks.
"You two were made for each other. Jen is the most beautiful, most liked. Every girl wants to be her. And you-"
"I'm what?"
"You're Sean Donovan. You're the quarterback. You're the dream guy in every chick-flick. You and Jen just go together. That's just how it is."
We arrive at a small restaurant in town, something casual and family-owned. Other people from the football game seem to be here because when we walk in, they stop to congratulate him. I decide to finish our date of sorts and hope to get a free meal out of it. I find it's easier to sit through this if I imagine Sean as my older brother. It makes my ego less frustrated if I completely remove the romance factor. I don't want to throw a fit later because I can't have him all to myself.
"I heard you have a thing for Jamie Price," Sean says as we sit down at a table.
"How in the world did you find that out?"
"I know people," he says. "All the girls want Jamie, and I don't know why."
"Maybe it's because he doesn't attack people," I somewhat joke. "But if it makes you feel better, I'm sure they all want you too. You're just off-limits."
"Off-limits?"
"Because of Jen."
He rolls his eyes. We order and soon our drinks come.
"You actually talked to one of my best friends recently. On one of your many breaks with Jen. Allison?"
Sean nods. "Yeah, no, Allison is a nice girl. She's with Nick now, isn't she?"
I nod. "But you see where I'm coming from? I'm just another Allison. I'm just another nice girl until Jen comes back around."
"What can I do to convince you that Jen and I are done?"
I take a breath. "Oh. I don't know. Maybe you could not get back together. I'm sure that would convince everyone."
"I don't care about everyone," Sean says. "I just need you to believe me so we can talk about something other than my ex-girlfriend."
I take a sip of my soda. "What else do you want to talk about?"
"Tell me about yourself."
I sit back against my chair. "Come on, Sean. Everyone knows about me. My parents are dead and my sister is nuts. That's all there is to know about me."
"And I'm just some dumb pretty boy jock who can't get over his ex-girlfriend, right? We both know that's not all there is."
I look down at my hands.
What if that's all there is to me?
"You're going to get back together with Jen. And when she leaves Jamie alone, maybe I have a chance with him. I don't want to get attached to someone who I know loves someone else."
Sean's broad shoulders fall.
"Alright, Dani. Alright."
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