Warning: This chapter depicts a traumatic scene for Gio with mentions of harassment, bullying, and thoughts of suicide.

Gio

An invisible clamp around my chest is tightening. Fuck. Why did I want to tell her this? Ren sits down on the bare mattress, and I follow suit. I rub my sweating palms on my joggers.

My heart pounds, one reverberating beat at a time. "Um..." my voice quavers, "Remember the other girl you heard about from my sister?" I pause to look her in the eyes, and she nods. "That was Heather. She...um... had to do with why I stopped coming to school for a while last semester."

Ren raises her eyebrows, "Oh?" 

I swallow, trying to moisten my dry throat; then I pull in a big breath, and everything just pours out.

"Aayla introduced us when I was hanging out with Adam downtown a week before school started. They were taking photos of each other with this hecka-sick professional camera Heather's dad had given her for her birthday. She wanted to take photos of me for some sort of photo project she was working on. She told me that she takes photography as her elective and is into journalism. She also told me about wanting to be a model after high school. After I told her about Kiki being a model now in San Francisco, it came out that I did too." I shiver as I remember the way her eyes lit up when I said it and how they raked over and devoured me whole like a snake. I shake my head and the memory away and continue.

"She started flirting with me really hard at school." I pause, leaving out how Alya and her would find me and insist I eat lunch with them, practically fucking dragging me with them, giggling. Heather would hang on me and touch me all the time, even if I tried to scoot away from her. "She snuck me down to the photo lab at lunch to show me stuff and..." Make out. I don't say that out loud, either. Ugh, it so hard telling Ren all this! My gut feels seasick. I deflect, "You know about the darkroom in the school's basement?"

"No!" she shakes her head wide-eyed. "My locker was in the basement my freshman year, but I haven't been down there since."

"Yeah, well... it's pretty cool." I shrug and then take another big breath. "Anyway, after a few weeks of that and smokin' up with her and Aayla occasionally after school, she drove me back to my house one day and... umm." 

I pause again to check in with her. My heart is now pounding full force in my chest, and my knee is bouncing like a jackrabbit all on its own. I suck in more air and blow it out, rubbing my hands again on my pants. Fuck, here we go. 

"She had leftover E from a rave—got us totally lit, and... well, stuff happened, and at some point, she pulled out her camera. She convinced me to take photos of us... kissing." I swallow hard. "But then..." my voice breaks high. Fuck.

"Sorry. This is so hard for me to tell you," I grit, looking down at my hands, twisting and rubbing my fingers, picking my scabs from hitting the wall on Saturday night.

"It's okay. Take your time," she soothes me, taking my fucked up hand in hers.

I breathe out a ragged breath and then continue with an unsteady voice. "Then she suggested I... take... naked photos of her."

I see Ren's eyes go wide, and I pull my hand away.

"I'm sorry, Ren, I swear it wasn't my idea! We were totally wasted, and I wasn't thinkin' straight. I swear I'm not some creepy pervert like some of the kids at school still call me."

My words start rushing out again, "I couldn't believe she suggested it. She said she'd develop the film herself during lunch and give me some photos of her to keep. I was beyond excited by the thought of that. What can I say, I'm a fucking guy. It was so hot in the moment. I've never been behind the camera. I felt like I was on the set of Playboy or something.  But in hindsight, she knew exactly what she was doing. I was an idiot. I mostly took photos of her, but..."

I pause again—my body feels like it's shivering, but I'm not cold, and I lower my voice to a murmur, "She took one me, too."

Suddenly, stillness is so palpable—except for the rapid bouncing of my knee and my heart beating. Ren looks frozen, barely breathing. The whole room is absolutely quiet. Even the furniture seems to be waiting for what I'll say next, so I just get the fuck on with it.

"My mom busted in on us, naked, still rolling—high out of our minds. I was in such deep shit. But I thought it was worth it. The next week, she showed me how to develop the film and showed me some of the photos I took on a light table, looking through a magnifying loop." I take a breath and blow it out. "I honestly forgot all about my photo at the end of the roll."

My body tenses, and I continue slower, my voice barely able to make it out, my throat so painfully tight, "The next thing I know... random kids are passing by me, making funny kissing faces, lude jacking off gestures. Saying weird stuff like 'How's it hanging' and calling me a pervert and turtle dick. Then I found out the photos of Heather and me kissing are being shown around... but not only that," my voice breaking high again, and I wince, "The photo of just me."

I flick my glistening eyes to Ren, checking in, then flick them back down just as quickly. "She'd shown them to all her friends, who took them to her then ex-boyfriend, TJ, and all of his friends... who then went looking for me." I take another big breath and fold my arm tightly around myself. "I got beat up by TJ and his friend and thrown in a trash can at the end of school, telling me to stay away from her." 

Ren lets out a gasp of air. Her eyebrows tilt up, tears glistening in her eyes, and her voice squeaks my name so painfully it hurts, and I have to look away so I don't fucking break apart. She pulls my hand into hers again and holds it tightly. I swallow hard and look up at the ceiling, pushing emotion back, then continue a bit louder.

"Anyway, a teacher confiscated the photos, and TJ, Heather, and I got suspended. My friends told me rumors were everywhere. I thought everyone at school knew, and I was so... humiliated. I couldn't face anyone. I got really depressed and skipped school even after I was allowed back, got stoned out of my mind every day." I close my eyes and whisper softly, "I thought about killing myself."

After that, I just stare into space. I can't believe I just downloaded that whole story. I never thought I wanted anyone to ever hear it again—especially not me, especially not her. Ren must think I'm gross and an absolute fucking nutjar now. 

A few seconds that feel like forever as I wait till I'm ready to continue. 

Finally, I release my breath. "My mom made me see a counselor, and I went on antidepressants. It got better, and I was convinced to go back to school in November. That's it. My life was shit till I met you again."

"Good god, Gio, I'm so sorry. I can't believe that happened to you. I had no idea," she whispers.

I wrap my arms around my knees, "Sometimes... neither can I. I don't like to think about it."

She wraps her arms around me and holds me close, and I let her. There's nothing I want more, really. I just breathe with her and feel her heat around me for a long time. 

My thoughts drift to us—the first day in Study Hall. I was shocked when I saw her there. What I had wanted for so long was suddenly right in front of me. I thought I was done with girls—banned them for the foreseeable future, but she looked so shy and vulnerable—so beautiful. The way she looked back at me, I didn't think she knew about the photos. It felt so safe to approach her. 

"That's why I acted all weird at first," I say out of nowhere. "I wasn't sure I should trust a girl again... but ever since seventh grade, I've thought about you."

"Me too, baby," she answers.

I turn to face her, "The first week of school, I asked Aayla where you hung out and to talk to you to see if you were still into me. But she just shrugged and said you had a boyfriend."

"But she never did! Why would she say that?"

"Because of Heather, I guess. She was helping her new friend... playing matchmaker like she does. If I had found you, I wouldn't have hooked up with Heather, and she knew that." 

Ren clenches her fists, "Ugh! I can't believe them!" 

"I know. Hindsights a bitch, I guess," I sigh. "But I did find you... eventually. And the way you looked at me?" The remembrance tugs my heart, which is somehow connected to the side of my lip. "You were so pretty. Prettier than I remembered you." I start tracing my fingers up and down the soft skin of her arm. "Then we went on our walk to the Library. God, I wanted to kiss you so bad." I scrunch my eyes tight, then look back into hers. "But it also scared me, yannoe? I was scared to get hurt again."

She nods, her eyes growing damp, "Yeah, no. I felt the same way."

I rub my forehead, "I'd been dropped out of nowhere before, you know. When my dad left, my whole world turned upside down. I think I was depressed as a young kid, too. I just don't remember it like that. You hold a lot of power over me."

She pulls away to look into my eyes and blinks at me, "I do?"

"Yes. I wasn't expecting to get feelings for you so fast—but you are an amazing person, so down to earth, fun, sexy, so easy to be with. I scared my mom and sister. It had taken a lot of work to get me to go back to school. Everyone thought I was jumping back into things too soon. But you made me feel so fucking great. Better than I've ever felt, actually. For a while, I thought everything was going to work out for me."

Ren looks down, knowing what I'm going to say next.

"But when Ryder said all that shit about Jace, and I thought you were about to break up with me, I completely lost my shit. I went straight back to the dark place I'd come from. I really thought I was going under again."

"Oh! Gio!" she cries, flinging her arms around me again. "I don't even know what to say," she sniffs into my chest.

"You don't have to say anything. I just wanted you to know. You're the only one I've told all that to besides the counselor and Charlie."

She hugs me tightly, and I relax in her arms. Her warm lips brush my neck, "I'm so glad I know. So many things make sense now," she whispers. "Gio... I'm so sorry. It scared me to show you how much I loved you because of how Ryder hurt me. I think I was in denial for a while that I even was—you know, to protect myself. I didn't have much faith in relationships after Ryder... well, and also my parent's divorce. When they split, it shook me up, and I guess I built up a bunch of walls I didn't even know I had. I think the way Ryder and I broke up made it that much worse."

"How did you guys break up?"

"After we had sex a few times, he started pulling away from me. It might have been my fault, but then he cheated on me, and then when I tried to confront him... he dumped me."

My fist clench, "I am going to fucking end that motherfucker!"

"I know, but don't do anything stupid. I just want to forget about him." She looks down, "I know it sounds dumb... but I think I always felt like it was partly my fault for pushing him away with how clingy I'd been."

"That's bullshit! He never deserved you!"

 "Well, I know that now, but I was afraid to tell you how I felt because I was afraid I'd scare you off too."

Shaking my head, "That's bullshit too. I thought you didn't feel it as strongly as I did. I thought I was all alone in it. I was fucking scared."

"No, opposite. I was scared I felt it too much, too."

I pull her close and put my chin on her head, "Well, shit."

"Gio?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for telling me all of that." She hugs me tightly, and I hold her even tighter back.

I kiss to top of her head, "Thank you for being so... I don't know. Thank you for being you."

Laying down on the bare mattress, we look into each other's eyes. The brightness in my room lit hers up, and I drown in their jewel-like ocean—a gateway—drawing me into the depths of who she is. She looks deeply into mine right back, like she's memorizing me from the inside out. Her eyes start twinkling like sunlight on the waves.

I smile in wonder at her, "What?"

"I'm just so in love with you," she confesses.

"Say that again," I breathe.

"I love you," she breathes back.

Fuck.

My whole body lights up, and I know she can see it in my burning eyes, "Say it again!" 

She grins, her eyes sparkling with tears, "I'm so in love with you, Giovanni!"

My eyelids close, melting into her words, and pull Ren closer, breathing in the blissful smell of her, "Hearing you say that is better than taking any drug I know."

She kisses me, and though we have kissed so many times by now, a silvery shiver flows down my spine—like it's the first time, the very first time, in the back at the gym.

"Let's start over again," she says, breaking the kiss. "Let's pretend we can turn back time, and we just met, and none of those bad things ever happened."

"No," I say, shaking my head slightly, eyes focused on her. "Those things make us stronger—like you said. I don't want to forget them." Then I brush her hair back around her ear. "I love you more because of them."

The afternoon sun, which has shone brightly through my window, now becomes shrouded in clouds as light rain begins to fall, enveloping the room in sweet, silvery tapping sounds of calm and renewal. We kiss slowly and tenderly, wrapped in each other's arms. Time is suspended—just being connected with each other.

https://youtu.be/0fMUYU8DC1U

••• A/N •••

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