Ren

His room is an absolute wreck. My eyes dart around: from a fist-sized hole in the wall to clothes, trash, and tissues that litter the floor, unfinished food and drinks on his desk and dresser, a pipe, and a pile of ash on a plate by his bed. A shiver runs through me as the lyrics to Hurt filters through my ears to my brain—the only sound in the room.

"I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real."

 My eyes land on Gio, completely still and sprawled face down on his bed, clothed only in a white t-shirt and maroon plaid boxers. My heart leaps into my throat as my first reaction is to worry he might be dead. I deeply inhale to help my brain remain calm, and I gag as the pungent odor of weed and a teen boy who hasn't showered in a week assaults my nostrils. 

Holding my breath, I creep deeper into his darkened room to take a closer look at him. My body is stiff with nerves, but as I come nearer, I can tell his eyes are softly closed, and his breath is slow and even. He's just sleeping. I release my caged breath, and my heart slides back into place. 

"The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything."

He's got what looks like scratches up his arm and a small cut or two on his knuckles, but other than that, he seems okay. He's got my t-shirt, balled up in his hand by his face—the one I left at his house on his birthday. 

I stand watching him for a minute, not knowing if I should wake him. On the other hand, it's already three pm, and he hasn't been to school all day.

I lean over him. "Gio?" I say quietly, gently rubbing his shoulder. 

He sits up with a jolt, and I pop back upright. 

For a minute, he's disoriented, rubbing his eyes with the palm of his hand. Then, with still unfocused eyes, he realizes where he is... 

...and that there's someone else here, too. 

His eyes land on my legs first before they travel up my body to my face, and he blinks his bloodshot eyes twice, not fully believing he's awake yet. He looks like he's been smoking up all day. He rubs his face again.

"Ren? What the fuck!" he spits when he finally registers that he's not imagining me. "Get out!" He swiftly stuffs my t-shirt under his pillow.

"Gio, I'm not going until we talk," I say firmly, trying to keep my voice even and not let my emotions overtake me, though they clang inside me like windchimes in a storm.

"I da'wanna hear it," he slurs, face-planting back on the bed and throwing the covers over his head. 

"I don't care what you want right now. You need to hear it... from me!" 

He doesn't object, so I launch into it.

"I don't know what Ryder said to you, but I'm sure as hell he didn't tell you the whole truth. That night... at Jace's house... Ryder cornered me in the kitchen and wanted to get back together with me. I told him to get lost, and he cussed me out. I had to get away from him, so I ran out to the backyard, and...that's when...I bumped into Jace." 

I pause, waiting for a reaction and also to think of how to say the next part. "Gio...Jace was so drunk. He did try to kiss me, but for like two seconds before I stopped it."

 A thick silence follows as I wait again. It feels like I'm pleading my case to a pile of blankets on the bed. My shoulders drop as tears prickle the edges of my eyes. I don't know what else to do but keep going. 

" I promise you, Gio, that was it! I left the party immediately and went home." I pull a ragged breath into my lungs and wait again—still silence from under the covers.

I yell to get him to respond this time, two hot tears dropping out of my eyes and sliding down my cheeks, "Please believe me! It wasn't my fault!" 

Still no response. 

"Giovanni," I plead with him, dropping to my knees on his bed and putting my hand on his back. "I'm so sorry, Gio, please. Say something!"

"I always let everyone fuck me up. Fucked up, so fucked up," he rambles, muffled from under the covers.

Gently, I pull the blanket away from him to see his face, "Gio, tell me what Ryder said to you." 

 He sits up angrily. "You wanna know what he said?" 

His eyes were as emotional as his voice—red and wet. "Ryder said you were just playing me, using me to make Jace jealous so you could get who you really wanted. He said you'd probably be breaking up with me soon, now that you and Jace had... worked things out. He said he saw you kiss him... that you were all over 'em. Touching 'em. Sayin' do you feel this."

"No! No, Jace said that."

"What! So it's true? You were groping his dick?"

Horror covers my face, and I put my hands up, "No, no. God no!"

"Don't lie to me, Ren! I stood up for you. I said, 'No way is that true.' But Colin grabbed Jace from the party, and he confessed to it—right before you came out!" 

"To kissing me! Not the other stuff, right?"

Gio went silent as he thought about that.

"Gio, did Jace know what else Ryder said before they got him?"

His eyes and his voice drop, "No."

A bolt of anger shoots through me, "That fucking asshole! Gio, Ryder's the one who's jealous—of you! What he said couldn't be further from the truth."

He shot me a look that was angry, confused, and hurt all at once. "But Colin said it all made sense." 

"Colin doesn't know jack. He's the reason Jace kissed me!!" I take a calming breath and lower my voice, "Listen to me. Yes, it's true Jace kissed me, but it was out of nowhere. I didn't kiss him back, and I definitely never touched him. Jace was just wasted and confused about Colin going after Alexis. He apologized right away and told me to forget it. Forget it ever happened. As far as I'm concerned, nothing's going on between us. I'm so, so, so sorry. I should have told you what happened earlier. I..."

I bit my trembling lip. I need to be totally honest about why I did what I did.

"I was wrong to keep it from you. Look, I was afraid if I told you, we'd fight. I was afraid you'd be angry with me for going there when you asked me not to go. I was afraid you'd never trust me with them again. But I will. I'll stop hanging out with them. I—."

"So, you weren't going to break up with me?" he says, his eyes glittering. "You don't think I'm not man enough? That I'm young for you?" his voice cracks at that. 

"No! Of course not." Yeah, I bet Ryder told him that.

"But what about the photos? He told me he told you," he says, slightly shaking, his jaw clenched, searching my eyes. Then he adds in a mumble, looking away, "You probably think I'm all perverted and weird now like everyone else." 

"What? Uh, yeah, something about you taking naked photos of me. But I didn't know what he was talking about."

His eyes grow as big as headlights, "Photos of you?" and then he yells so loud I have to cover my ears, "What the actual FUCK!" 

At that, Gio flings himself back down on the bed and pounds the mattress twice with his fist before dragging the covers over his head again.

"Gio?" I pause, not knowing what else to say.

"Gio, please! I'll do anything!" I beg. "I just want to make it back to where we were. I don't want to let Ryder's shit come between us."

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck," is all I hear from him under the blanket.

"Gio, I'm so sorry! What else am I supposed to say?"

Gio goes silent again. It's riling me up now, feeling remorseful, angry, heartbroken, and terrified simultaneously.

"Damn it! Maybe you'll never believe me. Fine! But you can't be like this!" I yell, flinging my arm wide toward his disheveled room. Emotion overtakes my voice—I can't keep it out of my throat any longer. "I'm more upset about what this is all doing to you because, because..."

I suck in a big breath to get the words around the pointy tangle at the base of my tongue.

"Because I love you, Gio!" my voice cracks. "So, so much!" My hands knot by my mouth as my stomach twists, waiting for a reply to what I had just told him. 

I hear a soft "No," followed by a few choked sobs and a ragged breath from under the blanket, and my heart plummets like a dropped stone, breaking into two jagged and heavy fragments. 

Again, I wait—a few minutes feeling like forever. Maybe this is the last few moments I might ever have with him. Will he tell me to go again? I dread hearing those words as the song plays softly on repeat:

"And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt."

"I'm sorry," he finally utters, still under the blanket, voice horse.

I shake my head in confusion. "What?" I squeak. 

"I fucked up, Ren," he murmurs, his voice muffled.

"Why?" I pull the covers off his head. He sits up again, spinning away from me, his feet off the side of the bed. He scrubs at his face with both hands and takes a deep breath.

"I shouldn't have left you there. Let you explain before driving off. I'm an emotional little shit," he mumbles softly to himself and sighs heavily.

"You're not—"

"Fuck!" he barks, cutting me off. "I'm such a goddamn tool! I listened to that fucking asshole... instead of you. I trusted him... instead of you. He knew all the right fucking things to say.... and I let myself believe it," he says, hanging his head. "I'm a piece of shit boyfriend. Why am I always so fucking gullible?" 

Gio just sits there, immovable, staring at the floor. 

I scoot behind him. "Don't worry. I don't blame you for being mad and leaving. You're not a shit boyfriend." I try to put my arms around him, but he shrugs me off.

"No! You don't know everything yet," he says, choked up again.

He pauses to control his emotions before continuing. "At the party, when you went to the bathroom, Alexis gave me her pager number, telling me she sold weed and, if I ever wanted some, to page her."

"Mmm," I say, nodding. I had been suspecting maybe Alexis was dealing. It explains her being so elusive, disappearing with people I don't know, and ditching school.

"Well, I didn't really care when she said it, but then all this shit went down. I... fell back into a... dark place, and I...fuck. I just couldn't even get out of bed. I called her Monday afternoon so I could get high. She came over, and...we sort of..."

I immediately intuit what he's about to say next, and an icy river flows from my neck down my arms and through my core.

"...hooked up," he finishes, low and remorseful.

Reality has just entirely flipped upside down, and now I'm the quiet one, barely breathing, blankly staring at the floor.

He turns towards me and tries to explain, stumbling over his words. "We didn't have sex. She stayed with me while I smoked her shit, and it was so strong. I was just lying back on the bed, nearly passing out, and she... just started kissing me and... stuff. I don't even like her! I was just so depressed and numb that I let her do it... to... to feel something other than pain."

I'm not sure I'm hearing him anymore. My breathing is quickening, and my vision's blurring, but from what I can see of his face, he looks genuinely miserable. He's still sitting right next to me, and suddenly, he throws his head in his hands, his fingers clenching his hair. "Fuck!"

My brain's gone numb, not knowing what to think or say. I feel like a statue—I can't move. He doesn't look at me and whispers, "I'm so sorry. I thought we were over. I..." his voice drops low, "I get it if you never want to see me again."

I suddenly feel so nauseous that I think I might throw up on the spot.

"I need air!" I say and run out of his room. 

••• A/N •••

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Oh my god. Alexis! Did you see that coming?

Thoughts?