Gio

Ugh. I stare at my pitiful excuse for a lunch I'm holding in my hand, trying to convince myself to take another bite. I'm always hungry, but the humongous freakin knot in my stomach has tied itself into won't allow more than a few bites of anything these last two days. Frustrated with myself, I fire my half-eaten sandwich towards the trashcan but miss, and it plops down into the dirt. Balls. 

I've been cursing in my head nonstop these last two days, my mind racing with so many jumbled thoughts and what-if scenarios it feels like how TV static looks. My life was going so good again, and now it might slide back off the rails and all because I'm just such a fucking goddamn stupid-ass dick-for-brains. 

I used to get wasted when I felt like this, but if I'm going to be a dad and take care of Ren, I need to keep my shit together. I probably should think about taking those pills again, too, but so far, I don't feel like I need them. That might change, though. I still don't know what the status is—Ren's afraid to test. She said she just wanted to wait one more day.

It could still be fine. Nothing is for sure yet. Not for sure. It's not for sure yet.

Fuck! 

Calm your ass down, Gio. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. I'll figure it out.

I've been walking in circles around the football field, not feeling much like talking to anyone. But now it's almost time for Study Hall, so I head off to find Ren and walk her to class. I find her sitting under a tree alone, a book open on her knees—her lunch bag untouched beside her.  

"Hey," my voice comes out low and gravelly.

She looks up at me, her face slack, and gives me a lifeless "Hey." Then, she goes about gathering her things and standing up. 

Shit.

"Still no?" An invisible snake curls around my chest and tightens, leaving little room for my heart, which is going off like a drum roll.

She lowers her head. "Nope." 

Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck...

I feel myself go a little lightheaded as blood drains to supply my vital organs, and my fight-or-flight instinct kicks into gear.

Dude, pull your sorry-ass-self together. She's probably more shit-scared than you are. 

I open my mouth to speak, but no words get past the huge snarl of vocal cords stuck in my throat, so I just wrap my arm protectively around her, and we walk slowly toward Study Hall in silence. 

I don't understand why, but I'm afraid to get there. I feel like we are walking blindly toward our fate. I need to know what she's thinking—what we're going to do. I pull her to a stop.

She looks up, and her stormy ocean eyes just kill me—one hundred nails diving in and out of my heart with each reproachful beat. My face distorts as I drop my eyes to my shoes. I feel like the scum of the fucking earth.

My voice comes out thick, "I didn't really sleep much last night." 

"Me neither," she mumbles, with a voice so devoid of emotion I feel run over by it.

Sucking in a breath, I muster my strength from deep inside me because I know what I have to do. 

I swallow hard and shakily take her hands, realizing how sweaty mine are. "Look, Ren, I just want you to know...." Looking deeply into her sallow eyes, my voice comes out hoarsely with emotion, "I mean... I'll stand by you. I mean, if it comes to that."

Our eyes just hold for a moment as that sinks in. She flicks hers away.

"Thanks, Gio." A long pause follows as she looks at the ground, avoiding my eyes. Then she whispers, just loud enough for me to hear, "I don't want to be a mom yet. Just so you know." 

Oh. 

My heart sinks like a heavy stone from my throat to my gut. What the hell? 

Why don't I feel relieved by that? 

"Okay," I say, feeling numb now too. 

She starts walking again, and I follow her in silence. 

Now what?  "You still wanna come over after school?" 

Maybe not. She probably does NOT want to mess around like usual—and for once, neither do I. But I still have this urge to keep her close to me. 

She stops walking and stands, looking down, holding her backpack tight against her. Then, whatever she's thinking about seems to resolve, "Yeah, I want to come over. Can we just watch a movie or something?"

Her eyebrows bend upward, and she looks so... tired.

I wrap my arms around her in a hug. "Yeah. Sounds perfect," I breathe.

♡♡♡

After a quiet hour in Study Hall, I walk with her toward the tennis courts, where she usually parks, a sagging weight still pressing down on me. Ren roots around in her bag as we approach the car and then holds something out to me—her car keys.

Surprisingly, that lights me up immediately. "Really?" 

"Of course, I hate driving," she says, smiling for the first time today.

My mouth hangs open. "You hate driving?" 

What! No way is that a real thing.

She chuckles slightly at my overt bewilderment. "I guess hate is a strong word, but I'd love to have you drive instead of me."

"Say no more," I smile, immediately taking the keys.

Getting into her car, I adjust the seat and then the mirror. I've been in this car many times now, but it feels good to finally be the one in control. I twist the key and start the engine, pulling carefully out of the tight spot and driving my girl smoothly and safely out to Bayfield.  

When we arrive at my house, we bypass my room, and I take Ren straight to the main house, sitting her down on the sofa in the living room to bring her some movie choices. I pile a big stack in her lap: 'Ace Ventura,' 'The Mask,' 'Only You,' 'My Girl,' 'Speed,' and more. We finally agree on 'Forrest Gump' because it's a feel-good movie, and I think we both need that. 

After popping the DVD into the player, I grab the big blanket and bring it over to lay on top of us. I'm only seated for a minute before I pop back up again. 

I should make her popcorn! Oh, and tea! My sister and mom both love tea when they're feeling crummy. 

I put the teapot on to boil and open the cupboard when my mom keeps tea, only to discover there's a butt-load of different kinds in there: Orange Peoke, Red Zinger, Lemon Lift, Tension Tamer, Healthy Cycle, Ch-am-o-mile... Ummmm.

"Ren, what kind of tea do you like?" I yell.

She comes to find me in the kitchen, "What?" 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to make you get up. I mean, um, I thought maybe you'd like me to make you some tea? There's too many," gesturing in defeat to all the boxes shoved in there. 

Her lip juts out. "Oh, Gio! That's so sweet of you!" She steps closer and brushes my cheek. I feel a charge between us, and her eyes go all big and glassy. "I l—uh," she pauses, suddenly blushing, then flings her arms around me in a big hug.  "I'll have the chamomile. You're  just the best boyfriend ever." 

I exhale a breath that somehow got caught inside me—for a minute there, I thought she was going to say... something else.

Shaking my head with a small smile and as much of a shrug as I can manage with her holding my arms down, "Whatever. It's not like it's a big deal."

She hugs me even harder. "It is to me," she sniffs.

Why do I get the feeling she's talking about more than just giving her tea choices?

We curl up on the sofa with a big bowl of popcorn and her steaming cup of chamomile tea (which she taught me how to pronounce), tucked under the same blanket as the other movie I watched with her here. It feels so different—as if months have passed since then instead of just a few weeks. I really don't want to have a baby, but for just a moment, I imagine us having a kid together, caring for someone who looks a little like the both of us. 

She leans her head back on my shoulder, and I inhale her druglike scent that is mixed perfectly with the yummy, fruity smell of her shampoo. Brushing a lock of silky hair around her ear, I hug her closer, and she sighs, relaxing further. She feels so good, warm, and nestled perfectly into my body. But suddenly, Ren's body tenses, and she bolts upright. 

Here, eyes flash to mine with a look of concern. My heart rate revs up as I pause the movie.

What the hell? What's going on now?  "Babe? What's wrong?"

"Um, I'll be right back," she squeaks, eyes still wide.

I see her run off down the hall and hear the bathroom door click shut. A spark of hope fires through me. That's not her normal I have to go pee look. 

A minute or two ticks by like an hour.

My eyes shoot up at the sound of the bathroom door opening again, and Ren emerges from the hall with a big smile slowly spreading across her face, like a bright spring day melting away a fucking winter's worth of snow. 

I'm on the edge of my seat—literally. "You got it?"

"Yep!" she grins, then runs over and freaking jumps on top of me, "Yeeee!" 

Her left kneecap collides hard into my abs, and it fucking hurts, but I don't even care. Ahhh! I feel an Olympic-sized weight lifting from me.

"Fucking thank god!" Gathering her up in my arms, I kiss her hard, then I flop back to let my body finally relax. After a minute, that thought I just had floats back to me. "So weird, though; I was just picturing having a baby with you before you got up."

"Get out!" she playfully pushes my chest, like Elaine from Seinfeld would have done. "I was just thinking the same thing. But honestly, I'm so glad we're not. So, so glad!" 

Looking her straight in the eyes, I sigh, "Baby, you have no idea. I'm so relieved." Then, I pull her to me again, kissing her ardently. "Let's go to the beach!" I say suddenly, stopping the kiss nearly ass soon as I started it.

"What?! Now?" she looks at the clock. 4:30. The sun will go down in less than an hour.

"Let's go see the sunset! It's like less than twenty minutes from here. I'll drive."

She clasps her hands under her chin like the cutest little girl being asked if she wants to ride the ponies at the fair. "Okay!!" 

We abandon the movie, scramble into our coats, and go over to her car. She tosses me the keys in the air, and I catch them one-handed, then I drive her away from my town, away from our troubles, and out towards the ocean. 

I feel fucking light as air.

As I make the right onto the coastal highway, I downshift and take it sharp, pressing the gas down, pushing the car fast down the road as I gear up quickly through third, fourth, and fifth. Ren discreetly grips the door handle as I reach close to seventy on the straightaway.

"Gio, don't make me regret letting you drive," she grits. 

"I'm just getting a feel for the car, baby," shooting her a wry smile before slowing to the speed limit.

It's a damn fucking beautiful day, and I try to drive very respectfully most of the way there, but when we hit the big hill coming down towards the ocean, I can't seem to help myself. I hit the gas again, and we briefly soar down the hill, well, as much as a fifty-horsepower four-cylinder engine can soar, anyway. Then, I downshift and slow perfectly just before the last big turn, pulling into the beach parking lot.

"Well..." I say, cutting the engine and giving a slight shrug. "Your car's okay. It'd be cooler if it were the GTX version; those have like around one hundred and thirty horsepower."

"Well, thanks," she smiles sarcastically, "but I didn't buy it to race it. What beach is this?"

"It's a private beach. I mean, anyone can come here, but you have to pay unless you have a pass," I say, pulling a pink slip out of my back pocket that I grabbed before we left the house and placing it on Ren's dashboard. "My mom my has one for a job out here."

We walk to the beach trailhead that winds up a small dune covered in long, pale green beach grass. When we get to the top, we stop to take in the view of the deep and endless ocean glittering like sequins below.

"Wow," she says, looking out on the long, deserted beach. "I've never been here."

"It's my favorite. Eddie and Jeremy always try to get me to take them out here to surf."

"I didn't know you still did that?" 

"Not that often. They go more than me. But at least once a month, maybe." 

Her eyes lick over me slowly—down and then up again. "That I would like to see sometime," her voice like honey, smiling flirtatiously.

"I betcha would," I smirk.

We take off our shoes and leave them in a little pile, rolling up our baggy jeans to our knees. 

"Come on," I say, taking her hand, and with that, we run down the dune towards the welcoming ocean, screaming with joy.

I do a big jump over a driftwood log, feeling like a little kid—no more worries. We're laughing, her long hair whipping in the wind as she runs, a big smile on her face, and she looks so beautiful in this moment—a surge of energy takes over as an uncontrollable force pulls me toward her. I run full tilt and scoop her up, twirling her around. Then, carry her like a bride, screaming and laughing toward the waves. 

Taunting her, I swing Ren out as if I'd throw her in the water, making her shriek and cling to me harder, but I set her down carefully in the shallow surf, the freezing cold water running over our toes. I  kiss her mouth gently as the water pulls back sand from under our feet. 

Ren wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me back—deeper. A fresh wave crashes over our shins, wetting our pants, but we don't even move, just enjoying the wild abandon of the moment.

Our jeans are soaked and sandy as we walk along the length of the beach and back again, hand in hand. Just before the sunset, we find a large driftwood log to lean against. Fingers intertwined, watching the sun sink slowly down. 

Ren's profile is lined in a pink glow while she draws with a stick in the sand, and I like the way the low sunlight makes the shadows stand out. I lose myself in thoughts about life and love for a while.

"I think we've been together almost a month now," I say, suddenly breaking the silence.

Ren smooths the sand out in front of her with her hand. "Really? It feels like longer than that. I guess 'cause I've liked you for so long." 

"Yeah," I agree, watching her draw our names now in cursive, making them as pretty as possible. 

Does she feel as strongly about me as I do? It's been almost two weeks since I told her I was falling in love—kinda. She hasn't even brought it up.

I lean over to draw a heart around our names and then flick my eyes up to grab hers. I love you, Ren—I send to her telepathically. She smiles but then rests her head on my shoulder, leaving me to wonder if she got the message. I wrap my arm around her, and we go back to watching the waves, hearing the meditative crash of each one hitting the shore. 

I think about love and how I was so ready to do whatever Ren needed of me because I love her. And even though we are in the clear now on that front, I know I still would. It's been a long time since I've felt so alive. She brings out the best in me, even in the worst moments, and I like myself better when I'm around her.

"I haven't smoked up for weeks now. I used to get lit all the time," I realize, speaking aloud.

She looks curiously at me, "Why not?" 

The corner of my mouth tugs up, and I shrug, "I dunno, really. Just don't think about it anymore—high on life, I guess." 

We bust up laughing at the cliche, but it's fucking true. We don't say much more, letting the waves roll in and out, putting us under their spell, the sun sinking ever lower, turning the beach, and us, to beautiful golden hues.

••• A/N •••

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Are you relieved she's not actually pregnant?

Another someone from Ren's past is showing up in the next chapter.

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