Ren

June 1994

Crap!

On Monday, it becomes clear my bus ride plan was nothing short of a total disaster! Charlie, the boy sitting next to Giovanni, must have thought all those glances and smiles were for him!

The whole rest of the week, Charlie is all over me like a bee to honey—sitting next to me at every break and lunch in the quad, finding me wherever I go to try to avoid him, and obnoxiously flirting with me. Maybe this would be more welcome if he brought Giovanni with him. But no. Charlie was totally not on my radar. Who is this boy?

I guess I knew he was one of the Bayfield boys sitting at Giovanni's typical lunch table, but I'd never paid attention to him. I assume he's a skateboarder—always wearing really baggy pants, Ben Davis shirts, and beanies, and I kinda like that, but he's so forward and cocky—getting in trouble all the time.

Why does it have to be this guy to publicly have a crush on me? 

Charlie is cute enough, with his dirty blond hair, brown eyes, and an upturned nose, but I'm not sure about flirting with the school's bad boy. I'm 'alternative,' but by no means a bad girl. My tummy has been feeling funny and weightless all week. It's strange how the warning signs can still feel like the butterflies—I thought I had flirting and boys all figured out, but suddenly I don't know if my nice girl instincts are up to rejecting this particular persistent boy.

All my friends are teasing me and telling me I shouldn't encourage him by talking to him, but it's also highly entertaining for them to watch him pursue me. I'm sure they're having loads of fun gossiping about it. Ugh. This is just the thing they need to get through the last three weeks of school! I just wish I wasn't on the receiving end.

...

Another week has passed since that bus ride, and I'm still at a loss. It's hot at lunch today, with the smell of dry dust and grass in the June air. My friends and I are gathered at our usual yellow metal picnic table, discussing the upcoming dance in a few weeks. I tie my blue flannel around my waist, creating an extra flourish to the simple blue bohemian dress Aayla lent me.

Lunch is nearly over when we spot Charlie coming toward us—he's just not taking a hint. My friends immediately get up to get something to eat at the snack shack to avoid him, abandoning me at the table. Thanks, girls - NOT! I don't try to follow them because I know he'll just tag along. 

I glue my eyes to the table, pretending I can't see him, which is practically comical because he is impossible to miss, wearing a blue and red t-shirt in large, loud horizontal stripes of each—his eyes twinkling with mischief.

"Having fun yet?" he says, plopping down beside me at my table. 

I bristle at this annoying line he always deploys at the opening of any conversation.

You'll know when I'm having fun, Charlie. I'll be smiling and laughing with you. 

Maybe someday, an older version of myself will say this out loud. Maybe adding, I'm not interested, okay? But at fourteen, I'm still too shy. Maybe is irrational, but I'm too scared to be seen as rude—to have a tense moment with someone.

"Sure, whatever." I half-heartedly reply, my chin propped in my hand, drawing a shape in the dust on the table. It's the end of a long week, and he has worn me down.

"You doing anything fun tonight?" he says, happily trying to figure out a way to engage me.

"No, it's a school night," bored with the conversation already. "You?"

"Giovanni and I might go up to the cemetery in Bayfield tonight and get high," he says, trying to impress me and feign the blasé attitude of an older boy. 

I internally roll my eyes as I already assumed he smoked pot. My friends and I have tried it since Aalya and Alexis's hippy laidback parents have it stashed around their houses. It's actually easier for teens to nic a little bit of weed than alcohol around here.

But he's piqued my interest at the mention of Giovanni.

My eyes go wide, and I turn to him. "Do you and Giovanni actually go hang out at a cemetery?"

I flash my eyes to his table, and for the fourth time this week, I catch Giovanni looking at us before he flicks his eyes away. Why? Why couldn't it have been him...

"Yeah, it's at the top of the hill. It's got a rad view." 

I turn my attention back to Charlie. "What else do you guys do after school?" covertly attempting to eke out more information about Giovanni.

"I don't know, video games, skateboard, and stuff. Can I give you a back rub?" 

What? "No!"  

He's pushing his luck today. I know he's just angling to touch me.

"Come on, you look tense. I give really good back rubs."

"No thanks," 

He gives me big puppy dog eyes. "Pretty please." 

"Okay." I relent. "It's a free back rub." 

 I'm learning I'm apparently a pushover with persistent boys. I have to figure out how to not be.

Grinning, he sits up on the top of the table as I spin around on the bench. It's quickly apparent that he is horrible at massages, but he does stick to my shoulders, at least.

"You have very pretty hair," Charlie compliments me after a few minutes of his terrible back rub.

"Thanks," I return flatly.

Then he adds quietly, "You have a really nice body too." 

"Charlie, quit it!" immediately shrugging his hands off and getting up from the bench.

Anticipating the bell ringing to signal the end of lunch, I grab my bag, and a second later, it sounds.

"Bye," happy that the encounter is over.

"Wait!" Charlie blurts. "I want to walk you to your SSR class."

I close my eyes and let out a huge, exhausted sigh.

"Aren't you going to be late for your class?" trying to give him a reason not to walk me.

"I don't give a shit," he remarks coolly. "I want to be with you."

And before I even know it, I'm being escorted by Charlie, hand in hand, to class. I'm in shock—but even though Charlie might not be my choice of boys at this school... a little part of me likes it... very much.

As we near my class, he slows our pace to let the last of my classmates enter first. The big blue door bangs shut. He hugs me goodbye, as he's been doing at the end of lunch all week, but before he releases me, he gives me a quick kiss on the cheek.

I flush. Crap! Did anyone see that? 

But I'm behind a wall with the door shut—no one is around.

"Bye," he says with a twinkle in his eye, then runs off down the ramp and around the corner before I can find a single word to say. I stand frozen and agape, but a second later, the bell rings, snapping me out of my shock, and I quickly slip through the door.

After that, sitting in class at my small brown desk, I can't concentrate on the silent sustained reading I'm supposed to be doing. I'm utterly lost in thoughts. 

My feelings for him are both sweet and sour. Am I okay with Charlie getting so attached to me? Having him kiss me on the cheek certainly stirred up some fluttery feelings, but a lot of the time, he still annoys me. I can't figure out how I feel at the moment.

...

Alexis is making quite an exaggerated expression as I come into our first class the next day. Alexis and I are often mistaken for one, and the other from the back with our similar tall, thin builds, but her hair is lighter than mine—more of a dirty blond than brown.

She is also witty, eloquent, fun, quite smart, and also has a graceful way about her that seems effortless. Oppositely, I always feel I'm battling, looking clumsy, trying not to trip on flat ground. I envy her casual elegance. I sit down next to her before the teacher makes us go to our assigned seats.

"What's that face for, Alexis?" 

"Oh, my Ren," she says, opening her large brown eyes even wider. "Have I got news for you! Aayla talked to Charlie this morning on the bus, and he's going to ask you out! Ha!" she chortles, laughing at my supposed misfortune but looking almost as astonished as I am.

That piece of information hits me like a ton of bricks. Oh my god! I was just warming up to his overt attention, but I definitely didn't want to be his girlfriend. I've known him for what - a week?

It really shouldn't surprise me this much. There is no real middle ground in liking someone in middle school. You either like someone in secret, or you make your feelings known  (usually through friends), and you either become boyfriend and girlfriend that day or get rejected, and it's game over forever.

The hugging and attention were one thing, but the hand-holding and kiss raised the stakes, and I didn't put a stop to it, so he took that as a green light. 

Shit, shit, shit. This is going to win the group gossip award of the year!

Too soon, we are back out in the quad, and everyone already knows. There's practically a huddle around me. No one thinks it's cute or a good idea. I'm either getting teased about it by Alexis and Kristin, who think it's pure entertainment—or comforted by Aayla, who thinks she needs to protect me from the bad boy before he "ruins" me. It's all so melodramatic.

Maybe I don't want him to be my boyfriend, but I also don't think it's their decision to make for me. If I want to be together with the punk, it should be my choice. I feel bad for him, too. He put himself out there, and I know my friends already got a clear message across to him before I even had a chance to say anything.

Sure enough, before lunch is even halfway over, Charlie is obviously not coming to talk to me today and is nowhere to be seen. I don't know what my problem is, but I feel terrible. Even if I don't want to say yes, I feel a need to make it right between us, and I have an entire weekend to work out how.

...

It's the school's version of the Olympic Games this week, and we have been practicing different sports all month in P.E.  I'm on the Japan team with... none of my friends, but it's just the setup I need because it gives me the perfect chance to find Charlie on my own.  I've already spotted him on the lower field by the baseball cage. My chest is alive with the drumbeat of my heart as I take a deep breath and walk down the hill to where he is.

"Hey, C-Charlie," I stammer. 

I don't know what emotion I'll be faced with, and my adrenaline is deploying fast. He glances at me with a guarded expression. Charlie is not his usual buoyant self today. He looks away, practicing a swing with his bat.

"Hey," he replies coldly after a beat, looking out into the field. I cringe inwardly but continue.

"Charlie, look, I don't know what you heard from my friends, I mean, I like you and all, but..." 

I'm starting to ramble, and I just need to rip the bandaid off and say it. "I'm just not ready to have a boyfriend. Okay?" 

He doesn't respond—just standing there thinking about it. He takes another swing with the bat. The silence is killing me! I can't tell how this is going, but I know I should get him to say something before I leave.

"We can still be friends?" 

Shit. Did I just say that?  A week ago, I couldn't wait for him to leave me alone, and now I invited him to be friends! I internally facepalm.

At the word 'friends,' he turns around. His face is still serious, eyes hard. My heart rattles on in double time, and I tense, bracing for him to yell at me or something.

"So you like me, but you just don't want to be boyfriend and girlfriend?" he asks, holding my gaze.

"Um, right." I breathe a sigh of relief. "Sorry about everything last week. I wish we could have just talked about it ourselves."

He looks down, hitting the bat against the side of his shoe."Yeah, that kinda sucked."

"Thanks for understanding." I smile at him, hoping we're done with this awkward conversation. 

"So, friends then?" 

Phew. I'm glad he doesn't appear to be holding on to bad feelings.

"Um, yeah. If you want to be."  

He slings the bat over his shoulder, arching one eyebrow. "With benefits?" he grins.

"Charlie—ugh! Don't push it!" I hiss, pointing a finger at him and widening my eyes to make my point. 

But... I think I might have smiled just a tiny bit.

My chest feels ten times lighter as I walk away. I got through "the talk," and I'm happy he seems to be taking it so well. 

...

Thursday is especially hot and cloudless, with not a breeze to be felt. I'm tanning on the grassy hill above the field. Alexis and Aayla were just with me, but they have gone to do the long jump. The grass still lying flat from where they've been.

Charlie is walking with Giovanni at the top of the hill. I see Charlie whisper something to him and then run down the hill, no doubt happy to have found me alone. I'm hoping Giovanni will follow too, but he gives me an impassive stare and then walks off. Sigh.

"Hi Ren, having fun yet?" Charlie smirks, lying next to me on his stomach like I am.

"Always," I give him an exaggerated eye roll and a smile.

We talked a little about not too much in particular. Out of nowhere, he asks, "Can I kiss you?"

My mouth falls wide open. "No! Come on, Charlie!"

"Oh well," he says nonchalantly before rolling over on his back, shielding his eyes from the sun with his arm. "You're, like, crazy pretty, and you don't even know it," he sighs.

"Whatever. No, I'm not," I say with nervous laughter.

He turns on his side to look at me. "See! But that's what I like about you. I'm going to the dance next Friday, are you?"

Uh-oh.

"Yeah..." 

"Cool. Can I slow dance with you?" The cutest smile covers his face.

A blush dusts my cheeks. "Um, uh... I don't know! Maybe." I try hard not to smile to encourage him, but I feel a small one creep in around the corner of my mouth.

"Hmm," he says, playfully studying my expression. "I'll consider that a yes." He pokes me and laughs sweetly, and I do too.

The rest of the day, he asks me no less than five more times if he can kiss me. Just to provoke a reaction, I think, which is usually pushing or punching him. However, I'm kinda sure he loves any physical contact I offer him. 

I'm with him practically the whole day. He watches me suck at shot put, but do pretty well at pole vault. I watch him rock at the Javelin and try to show off in the relay race by doing a fancy handoff and nearly dropping the baton.

We actually have a lot of fun together and the next day, too. He's pretty fun and kind underneath the smart-ass punk persona he puts on. 

For just a moment, I think I might reconsider being his girlfriend... but then something happens to change all that.

https://youtu.be/T0O3PRkgMlA

••• A/N •••

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