Act 1: Scene 1:

(In the den of the Young's home. A daughter named Claire just informed her father, Mr. Young, of her new boyfriend.)

Father - "What kind of man is he? Any respectable man has a great sized library, he only has a few books! And I doubt he read any."

Claire (upset) - "Father! He is a wonderful man and I love him!"

Father (crosses his arms) - "Well you love a dumb dumb."

Claire - "That is so rude! How dare you! How dare you! Take it back."

Father (still with his arms crossed) - "I don't take back anything. I haven't returned a thing in my life."

Claire - "You are such a liar. We share an Amazon Prime account and I saw that you returned three things just last week."

Father (shocked) - "How dare you spy on me! I have the government already spying on me and now my own daughter! It ain't safe out here for a pimp!"

Claire- "Well you aren't a pimp so you should be perfectly safe."

Father - "You don't know me...Well actually now that I know you spy on me you probably do know me and what I do 24 hours a day, you creep. I thought I raised a respectable woman, but instead I raised a stalker! You must get this from your mother. She stalked me for three hours before I gave in and asked her out."

Claire (sarcastic) - "Wow, you really know how to play hard to get."

Father - "Well I should. I majored in it."

Claire - "What a dumb degree."

Father - "It is still more useful than a Gender Studies degree, you know, the degree you received. The one I paid $50,000 a year for."

Claire (vexed) - "Hey it is a very complex subject that requires extensive research and examination. There are 63 recognized genders on Google! Do you know how challenging it is to memorize all the different types of genders, their pronouns, their descriptions and their classifications. Not to mention all the various sexual orientations that exist."

Father - "Wow, it must take a genius and $250,000 to understand."

Claire - "And it must take a genius to play hard to get."

Father (sassy) - "It does, and clearly you haven't mastered the art. You spread your legs to any dummy with 3 books to his name."

Claire (offended) - "How dare you call me a slut!"

Father - "I didn't say it, but you just did."

Claire - "You implied it."

Father - "You know what implying does."

Claire - "No what?"

Father - "It makes an imp out of you and an imp out of me."

Claire - "That doesn't make any sense, what exactly is an imp?"

Father - "You would know if you didn't major in Gender Studies, but don't you worry my dearest and only daughter, your boyfriend can enlighten you on the definition... Oh wait, no he can't, he is a moron!"

Claire (extremely upset) - "You are cruel!"

Father - "And you are a whore!"

Claire (grieved) - "I hate you! And your smelly moustache."

Father (wounded by the comment) - "How dare you. You said you love the smell of my moustache."

Claire - "I have never said such a thing."

Father - "Oh you are right, that was your mother."

Claire - "Father, I'm going to marry him and we are going to have babies that enjoy quinoa and squash and we will play board games together on Friday nights and you are never going to be invited over to play with us... I repeat, NEVER!"

Father (shocked) - "But you know how fond I am of board games!"

Claire - "Yes I know, but you are far too competitive. The last time we played a board game together we played Monopoly, and when I beat you, you proceeded to kick me out of the house and told me to stay at one of the many hotels that I owned."

Father (crosses his arms once again and turns his head to the side) - "Well you seemed to want to remind me and brag about it when we were playing."

Claire (raises her voice) - "They are miniature plastic game pieces! Not real hotels! You are such a sore loser."

Father (still maintaining a disagreeable body posture) - "I have never once gotten sore in those rare times of defeat. Not one muscle in my ripped body ever gets sore after a loss."

Claire (scoffs) - "Ripped? Ha! By whose definition?"

Father (offended) - "I will not let my daughter body shame me in my own house."

Claire - "Shall we step outside where I will be allowed to speak the truth then? Since when did your house become Soviet Russia?"

Father - "Truth? I will not let you spew lies, nor body shame me anywhere! You hear me? Not here, not there, not anywhere. Not even in another dimension."

Claire (honestly perplexed) - "You told me other dimensions are false."

Father - "I also told you Santa Claus was real...Sometimes a person has to tell someone a lie until they are ready for the truth. The truth can be overwhelming, if not devastating for some."

Claire (in utter dismay) - "Wait, Santa Claus isn't real!? Then who was the fat old white guy that came down my chimney last Christmas and asked to take a bite of my cookies?"

Scene Ends